well well well. it's happened again. i've returned to the person that i was 2 years ago. my life is exactly the same as it was then....only much less fun.
what has happened? Well let me tell you.
I'm drunk. Not right now, but I have been quite a bit lately. Went to a party last night, and the make-out slut made her big return after a loooooooooooong vacation. Woke up with a ginormous hickey. yippee. wanna know what the best part about this is?
L and I are going to lunch today. two weeks ago, drunk me got flirtacious with him, and all the sudden, he stopped talking to me. I texted him three days later asking what was going on, and he said he just needed time away from me, and that we should both be moving on. Well fuck you, move on i did. moved on right into the arms of a nobody, with a great body, and woke up with this little "souvenir" from the night. Honestly, I hope he sees it today. Im going to try to cover it, but maybe if he sees it, he'll realize that im done sitting around wasting all my time waiting for him. He'll realize that he's not exactly a prize, and if he doesnt want me, well, there are plenty of other people out there that do.
Last night though, it was different. I didnt enjoy it. Dont get me wrong, the party itself was AWESOME....but kissing this boy....it didnt do anything for me. Not a single thing. He was incredibly attractive, the kiss had all the makings of a super hot kiss, but really, throughout the whole thing, i was really thinking... "well, i'm bored with this." There was no adventure or excitement in it anymore. Now I only want to kiss people i have a legitimate connection with.....which is good i guess, but why cant I let myself enjoy some fun in the meantime?
Onto weight....
I havent been eating all that great, but i've gotten into a workout kick, and ive been spending an hour at the gym every day, and actually enjoying it (which is monumental for me, who despises working out.) The scale said 136.6 on tuesday I believe...which is up a bit from this summer, but i really am pretty content with how my body looks. I want to get toned now, and have some ripped muscles, but i dont necessarily need to get skinnier.
i was facebook creeping some people the other day, and i came across this girl i went to highschool with. Back then, she probably weighed close to 200 lbs. Now, she probably weighs 110....if that. wtf, how did she do this???? i wish i had been closer to her so i could ask. seriously though, its insane. Welp, guess i found some new thinspo!
Ok guys, so, sorry for the randomness and the kind of chaos that i wrote this post with...i just tried to compact quite a bit of info into as short of a post as i could. better writing next time, promise. :)
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Friday, September 23, 2011
my life is a joke
ok so school is killing me. I've started nursing, and all i do is study. 24/7 i study. i wake up and study before class, i go to class and talk about what ive studied, i come home from class and i study until 11:30, then i go to bed and do it again the next day. the past two weekends, i've stayed in and studied. gahhhhh i better be a freaking genius in 2 years!
I do love it though. it's so interesting and i love all the girls in my class, so i can't complain too much. it's just so incredibly time consuming.
In lab last week, we had to take vital signs on each other, and had to take each other's weight. I cant remember which, but the scale said either 132 or 134. I think it was 132 honestly. Either way, it's an increase and i dont like it. time to do something about it before it gets out of control.
L is reading a new book on nutrition...considering that is, after all, his favorite thing in the world. He said it talks about how bad animal protein actually is for you, and how we should be getting 95% of our protein from beans/nuts/legumes instead. Idk how much to believe it, but i figured i would somewhat go with it for a week or so just to see if it made any difference, so as of last tuesday, i'm on a vegetarian diet. This is by no means a permanent thing, and i definitely didnt give up dairy products or deserts, so take all of this with a grain of salt. Basically all i've done is substitute beans in for meat. Havent noticed any difference so far and really didnt expect to, so hey, whatever.
On my period....so ungodly bloated right now. gahhh its sickening. i feel like a tick about to pop....cant wait for this to be over.
on to other things...L and i are hanging out every single day again and our friendship couldnt be better. I use the word friendship lightly, because if i'm being honest, i should really just say "our unofficial relationship." we've been trying the friends only thing...and it works pretty well 99% of the time...it just doesnt work when we both get shitty drunk and end up making out every time. Which also leads to me spending the night in his room.....cuddling. even sober, weve cuddled and slept together. one day two weeks ago? he stayed in my room (CJ was at her boyfriend's house) and we stayed up and talked until 4 am.
OH. AND HE DROPPED THE L WORD. thats right. not talking about his name...i'm talking about "love." we were drunk when it happened...but it wasnt just drunken rambling. we were in some very deep conversation, and what he said was absolutely honest and true. Plus, a few days before, we had (soberly) talked about the concept of love and he basically did everything but say those three little words outright. it meant so much to me, and i'm pretty sure i ended up crying, but i havent brought it up to him since. using that word is a HUGE deal for him and he's never said it to anyone else before, and claims that he only wants to say it to one girl for his whole life....so i'm not gonna take that lightly.
anyway, i feel like im playing with fire here. once again, i know i shouldnt be with him, but i do genuinely LOVE him, and i cant stop. nothing can stop it...not back problems or herpes or anything else. We've had that talk too....and although some hook ups have been hot and heavy, we've been EXTREMELY careful. i mean, trust me, theres 0% that i could have gotten anything. still, i know i need to stop, just to be safe.
ok well, i guess thats all for now. forgive my lack of posting...its hard to find time around all the studying lol love you beauties
I do love it though. it's so interesting and i love all the girls in my class, so i can't complain too much. it's just so incredibly time consuming.
In lab last week, we had to take vital signs on each other, and had to take each other's weight. I cant remember which, but the scale said either 132 or 134. I think it was 132 honestly. Either way, it's an increase and i dont like it. time to do something about it before it gets out of control.
L is reading a new book on nutrition...considering that is, after all, his favorite thing in the world. He said it talks about how bad animal protein actually is for you, and how we should be getting 95% of our protein from beans/nuts/legumes instead. Idk how much to believe it, but i figured i would somewhat go with it for a week or so just to see if it made any difference, so as of last tuesday, i'm on a vegetarian diet. This is by no means a permanent thing, and i definitely didnt give up dairy products or deserts, so take all of this with a grain of salt. Basically all i've done is substitute beans in for meat. Havent noticed any difference so far and really didnt expect to, so hey, whatever.
On my period....so ungodly bloated right now. gahhh its sickening. i feel like a tick about to pop....cant wait for this to be over.
on to other things...L and i are hanging out every single day again and our friendship couldnt be better. I use the word friendship lightly, because if i'm being honest, i should really just say "our unofficial relationship." we've been trying the friends only thing...and it works pretty well 99% of the time...it just doesnt work when we both get shitty drunk and end up making out every time. Which also leads to me spending the night in his room.....cuddling. even sober, weve cuddled and slept together. one day two weeks ago? he stayed in my room (CJ was at her boyfriend's house) and we stayed up and talked until 4 am.
OH. AND HE DROPPED THE L WORD. thats right. not talking about his name...i'm talking about "love." we were drunk when it happened...but it wasnt just drunken rambling. we were in some very deep conversation, and what he said was absolutely honest and true. Plus, a few days before, we had (soberly) talked about the concept of love and he basically did everything but say those three little words outright. it meant so much to me, and i'm pretty sure i ended up crying, but i havent brought it up to him since. using that word is a HUGE deal for him and he's never said it to anyone else before, and claims that he only wants to say it to one girl for his whole life....so i'm not gonna take that lightly.
anyway, i feel like im playing with fire here. once again, i know i shouldnt be with him, but i do genuinely LOVE him, and i cant stop. nothing can stop it...not back problems or herpes or anything else. We've had that talk too....and although some hook ups have been hot and heavy, we've been EXTREMELY careful. i mean, trust me, theres 0% that i could have gotten anything. still, i know i need to stop, just to be safe.
ok well, i guess thats all for now. forgive my lack of posting...its hard to find time around all the studying lol love you beauties
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Full circle
well ladies, we've come full circle.
As you can tell, i fully partook in margarita night at my favorite frat house and ended up quite a mess. Don't get me wrong, it was an extremely good night, but not the best of decisions was made.
I've been back at school now for a week. I've got my room all set up with CJ, i've gone through orientation, i've already had to study....things are back to normal. Then L moved in. I knew he was moving in that day, but all day i never heard from him. Around 7 that night I went to get some food, and I ran into him, then we ate together. Everything was ok...we caught up a little, we laughed, it was great. But I was still a little hurt that he hadnt tried to meet up with me at all, especially after I found out that he had called CJ first and wanted to say hello to her when he had said nothing to me.
Anyway, CJ, L and I all hung out afterwards, and decided to go to a big party. We all got completely hammered, and that's when it happened. Stupid me asked L to kiss me. He asked if that was a good idea, and if we shouldnt wait until we were sober, but it ended up happening anyway. Thats when i started crying. I cried and cried and cried and told him how much i loved him and missed him and how much i was still hurting. He held me and told me that he was so sorry and that he understood completely and it hurt him so much to see me upset.
After much talking and crying, all i wanted was to go back to my dorm and go to sleep. (mind you, this was around 2:30 in the morning) I tried to leave, but L refused to let me walk home by myself. I was hurt and upset and mad and told him that I didnt want to walk with him and that he should leave me alone. I marched back to campus while L followed several steps behind me the entire way, refusing to leave until he knew that i was safe. Right before I got back to my room, we started talking again. I confessed everything to him. EVERYTHING. everything i felt for him, everything he had ever done to hurt me, how much i wished things were different, how much i wished, despite him having herpes, that we could be back together, and all my insecurities that i would still have even if we did someday get back together.
Well, it was a good talk, but we decided that we should stop and talk about this some other time when we were sober. The next day, I'm in my room studying, when a friend of mine comes in and tells me a big elaborate story, which includes the fact that L was supposedly "talking" to someone else. I confronted him about it, and he told me that yes, they had kissed a few times, but that they were only little pecks because he didnt like her and that she was the one to always kiss him. I told him again how hurt i was, how much i wished things could go back to how they were between us, and how i hated how easily he had moved on. When i said that, he stopped in his tracks, looked at me and said, "do you seriously think that I dont wish it was your name instead of hers every time it pops up on my phone?! You think this was easy for me? It's not easy at all. I was just trying to give you a way out because i thought thats what you wanted."
Well, that was news to me. We talked for a long time again, and basically came to the conclusion that the feelings between us will always be there, but it's just not the right time for a relationship. He decided to tell the other girl that he had no feelings for her and no intentions of dating her, and that he was sorry if he led her on. As for us, we decided to "take things slow." VERY slow. Basically, we're just friends right now, and that's how it will stay for quite a while. The only difference is that we both want to still have hope to possibly have a relationship again in the future. We agreed that during this time of taking things slow, we would not do random hook-ups with other people, and that we would concentrate on trying to repair things between the two of us instead, but if during this time either one of us met someone really special, whom we saw a legitimate serious relationship with, we would be honest, and we were free to pursue that instead of each other.
I know this all sounds very strange, and maybe stupid, but it really is the best option for us. It's hard to be just friends when you have such strong feelings for one another...but it's hard to stay away from each other when the other person is also your best friend in life. This way, we're free to like each other without feeling guilty, we both have hope for the relationship that we should have had in teh first place, but we're not entirely tied down to each other either. And ever since that talk, things have been so great between us. We can hang out and talk and text and everything without feeling awkward or like we're crossing any lines. Everything is just easy again.
He also gave me a cake for my birthday. Complete with 20 trick candles. Haha, it was so cute.
So anyway, that's all about the boy for now I guess. And probably all that there will be about him for quite a while. As for the other aspects of my life, school is great...I study every free second of the day, but because it actually pertains to my career now and what I want to spend the rest of my life doing, it's very interesting and I dont mind studying in the least.
I've been doing fairly well eating wise. I usually eat a banana for breakfast, have a turkey wrap and some veggies for lunch, and i'm usually too full to eat dinner. I think i'm dropping weight still, and i've had a lot of people compliment me lately on how good i look, including L :)
In two weeks, CJ, L, several other friends and I are trying to head down to the lake for a giant annual lake party we have here. Think "mardi gras on water." it's awesome. Anyway, I have to look real hot by then, so I have to keep my eating in check!
Well, thanks for reading my novel...thats about all I have for now! I'll try to keep posting as often as I can, but it's getting hard to find time around all the studying...so bare with me. Love you ladies!
As you can tell, i fully partook in margarita night at my favorite frat house and ended up quite a mess. Don't get me wrong, it was an extremely good night, but not the best of decisions was made.
I've been back at school now for a week. I've got my room all set up with CJ, i've gone through orientation, i've already had to study....things are back to normal. Then L moved in. I knew he was moving in that day, but all day i never heard from him. Around 7 that night I went to get some food, and I ran into him, then we ate together. Everything was ok...we caught up a little, we laughed, it was great. But I was still a little hurt that he hadnt tried to meet up with me at all, especially after I found out that he had called CJ first and wanted to say hello to her when he had said nothing to me.
Anyway, CJ, L and I all hung out afterwards, and decided to go to a big party. We all got completely hammered, and that's when it happened. Stupid me asked L to kiss me. He asked if that was a good idea, and if we shouldnt wait until we were sober, but it ended up happening anyway. Thats when i started crying. I cried and cried and cried and told him how much i loved him and missed him and how much i was still hurting. He held me and told me that he was so sorry and that he understood completely and it hurt him so much to see me upset.
After much talking and crying, all i wanted was to go back to my dorm and go to sleep. (mind you, this was around 2:30 in the morning) I tried to leave, but L refused to let me walk home by myself. I was hurt and upset and mad and told him that I didnt want to walk with him and that he should leave me alone. I marched back to campus while L followed several steps behind me the entire way, refusing to leave until he knew that i was safe. Right before I got back to my room, we started talking again. I confessed everything to him. EVERYTHING. everything i felt for him, everything he had ever done to hurt me, how much i wished things were different, how much i wished, despite him having herpes, that we could be back together, and all my insecurities that i would still have even if we did someday get back together.
Well, it was a good talk, but we decided that we should stop and talk about this some other time when we were sober. The next day, I'm in my room studying, when a friend of mine comes in and tells me a big elaborate story, which includes the fact that L was supposedly "talking" to someone else. I confronted him about it, and he told me that yes, they had kissed a few times, but that they were only little pecks because he didnt like her and that she was the one to always kiss him. I told him again how hurt i was, how much i wished things could go back to how they were between us, and how i hated how easily he had moved on. When i said that, he stopped in his tracks, looked at me and said, "do you seriously think that I dont wish it was your name instead of hers every time it pops up on my phone?! You think this was easy for me? It's not easy at all. I was just trying to give you a way out because i thought thats what you wanted."
Well, that was news to me. We talked for a long time again, and basically came to the conclusion that the feelings between us will always be there, but it's just not the right time for a relationship. He decided to tell the other girl that he had no feelings for her and no intentions of dating her, and that he was sorry if he led her on. As for us, we decided to "take things slow." VERY slow. Basically, we're just friends right now, and that's how it will stay for quite a while. The only difference is that we both want to still have hope to possibly have a relationship again in the future. We agreed that during this time of taking things slow, we would not do random hook-ups with other people, and that we would concentrate on trying to repair things between the two of us instead, but if during this time either one of us met someone really special, whom we saw a legitimate serious relationship with, we would be honest, and we were free to pursue that instead of each other.
I know this all sounds very strange, and maybe stupid, but it really is the best option for us. It's hard to be just friends when you have such strong feelings for one another...but it's hard to stay away from each other when the other person is also your best friend in life. This way, we're free to like each other without feeling guilty, we both have hope for the relationship that we should have had in teh first place, but we're not entirely tied down to each other either. And ever since that talk, things have been so great between us. We can hang out and talk and text and everything without feeling awkward or like we're crossing any lines. Everything is just easy again.
He also gave me a cake for my birthday. Complete with 20 trick candles. Haha, it was so cute.
So anyway, that's all about the boy for now I guess. And probably all that there will be about him for quite a while. As for the other aspects of my life, school is great...I study every free second of the day, but because it actually pertains to my career now and what I want to spend the rest of my life doing, it's very interesting and I dont mind studying in the least.
I've been doing fairly well eating wise. I usually eat a banana for breakfast, have a turkey wrap and some veggies for lunch, and i'm usually too full to eat dinner. I think i'm dropping weight still, and i've had a lot of people compliment me lately on how good i look, including L :)
In two weeks, CJ, L, several other friends and I are trying to head down to the lake for a giant annual lake party we have here. Think "mardi gras on water." it's awesome. Anyway, I have to look real hot by then, so I have to keep my eating in check!
Well, thanks for reading my novel...thats about all I have for now! I'll try to keep posting as often as I can, but it's getting hard to find time around all the studying...so bare with me. Love you ladies!
Drunky drunk drunk.
That's wqht I am. I'm back at school abs tonight I told L that o still love Him. There were a Lot of tears. I don't know what to do. I'm so stupid, but we kissed anyway. What was I thinking?! The rest of the story tomorrow night. Lowverly ladies.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Am I stupid?
First of all....I apologize in advance. This post will have nothing to do with my eating. So for those of you who only want to hear about how many calories I ate today and what the scale says instead of listening to my whine about my seemingly perfect life, feel free to skip this and leave now. I won't be satisfying you today. For the rest of you: god bless you. Feel free to read on.
All this has to do with is the shitty emotional rollercoaster my period puts me on. Tomorrow, I'll probably look back at this post and think, "really frenzy? Are you seriously botching about this again? It's not that bad. Grow some balls and move past it already." but I can't say that today, so here it goes:
I really miss L. I'm not talking about the kind of missing someone that comes with that bittersweet decision to look back on the memories and sigh deeply before saying "well, at least we had a good time while it lasted." I'm talking about an all consuming, ever present, shake me down to my hollow core, cause me to curl up in a little ball just to feel like someone is holding me kind of missing.
All day I think about him. All day I sit there giving myself reason after reason why this is a good thing and why it's just important for me to stay strong and have faith that I'm slowly moving on and someday soon this pain will be nothing but I memory. I tell myself, "ok, problem number one: he has herpes. Even if you all could survive a relationship without any intimacy until marriage, could you even trust it then? What if you all ended up getting divorced, or god forbid something happened to him and you were alone, trying to face starting a new relationship? Do you really want to have to worry about an incurable STD? And what about his back, hmmm? Have you forgotten that? Again, even in the best case scenario of marriage, how could he ever get down on one knee and propose if he can't even bend over to tie his shoes? How could he carry you over the doorway? How could he help you carry heavy boxes when you moved into a house, or do any handy work around the house, or even pick up your baby?"
The internal monologue goes on and on until I trick myself into believing that I'm actually on without him. Then I check my phone 23 times an hour to see if he's called, finally go to bed, and end up dreaming about him all night. Literally EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT. I dream he's holding me, or kissing me softly, or telling me that he's missed me too, and I'm happy. So happy. For once in the past 3 1/2 months since we broke up, I actually feel alive again. But then I wake up, realize I was dreaming yet again, and start the whole daily process over.
I don't want to miss him, but I can't stop it, no matter how hard I try. I find myself counting the days until school starts again, not because I'm excited to see my friends or start classes, but because I'm excited to see HIM. I start thinking about how excited I'll be to simply go to lunch with him, or go swim with him after class. I envision this big romantic night where he kisses me and tells me that he's sorry for everything, that he loves me, and that he still wants to be with me.
I know I shouldn't get my hopes up. Even if he DID feel that way, he would never admit it simply because he wants to protect me from all his "baggage". But the undeniable truth is that no matter how much I think I should just move on, all I want to do is e with him again. With every inch of my soul, that's all I want. I always considered myself a fairly intelligent, mature, strong person who would never make a decision like that, claiming that I NEED someone like I need air to breathe. Especially not in a situation like this. Yes, every girl grows up dreaming of her prince charming, but I guarantee you no girl grow up dreaming of her prince charming complete with genital herpes.
Yet, somehow, I do.
This only leaves me one question:
Am I the worlds biggest idiot?!
All this has to do with is the shitty emotional rollercoaster my period puts me on. Tomorrow, I'll probably look back at this post and think, "really frenzy? Are you seriously botching about this again? It's not that bad. Grow some balls and move past it already." but I can't say that today, so here it goes:
I really miss L. I'm not talking about the kind of missing someone that comes with that bittersweet decision to look back on the memories and sigh deeply before saying "well, at least we had a good time while it lasted." I'm talking about an all consuming, ever present, shake me down to my hollow core, cause me to curl up in a little ball just to feel like someone is holding me kind of missing.
All day I think about him. All day I sit there giving myself reason after reason why this is a good thing and why it's just important for me to stay strong and have faith that I'm slowly moving on and someday soon this pain will be nothing but I memory. I tell myself, "ok, problem number one: he has herpes. Even if you all could survive a relationship without any intimacy until marriage, could you even trust it then? What if you all ended up getting divorced, or god forbid something happened to him and you were alone, trying to face starting a new relationship? Do you really want to have to worry about an incurable STD? And what about his back, hmmm? Have you forgotten that? Again, even in the best case scenario of marriage, how could he ever get down on one knee and propose if he can't even bend over to tie his shoes? How could he carry you over the doorway? How could he help you carry heavy boxes when you moved into a house, or do any handy work around the house, or even pick up your baby?"
The internal monologue goes on and on until I trick myself into believing that I'm actually on without him. Then I check my phone 23 times an hour to see if he's called, finally go to bed, and end up dreaming about him all night. Literally EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT. I dream he's holding me, or kissing me softly, or telling me that he's missed me too, and I'm happy. So happy. For once in the past 3 1/2 months since we broke up, I actually feel alive again. But then I wake up, realize I was dreaming yet again, and start the whole daily process over.
I don't want to miss him, but I can't stop it, no matter how hard I try. I find myself counting the days until school starts again, not because I'm excited to see my friends or start classes, but because I'm excited to see HIM. I start thinking about how excited I'll be to simply go to lunch with him, or go swim with him after class. I envision this big romantic night where he kisses me and tells me that he's sorry for everything, that he loves me, and that he still wants to be with me.
I know I shouldn't get my hopes up. Even if he DID feel that way, he would never admit it simply because he wants to protect me from all his "baggage". But the undeniable truth is that no matter how much I think I should just move on, all I want to do is e with him again. With every inch of my soul, that's all I want. I always considered myself a fairly intelligent, mature, strong person who would never make a decision like that, claiming that I NEED someone like I need air to breathe. Especially not in a situation like this. Yes, every girl grows up dreaming of her prince charming, but I guarantee you no girl grow up dreaming of her prince charming complete with genital herpes.
Yet, somehow, I do.
This only leaves me one question:
Am I the worlds biggest idiot?!
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
sad face.
well, my horrible choices have finally caught up to me. I've been weighing myself for the past 2 days and the scale is at 128....so i've gained a pound. I know that's not terrible, but it's definitely a step in the WRONG direction. I blame the lake. I eat constantly while im there. Luckily (i guess....) that should be my last trip to the lake this year unless I can leave school and go down on labor day weekend. I don't look for that this year though; school is going to be way too crazy to leave.
My eating future doesn't look too bright for the next few weeks either if i'm being honest. Tomorrow the fam and I are heading to the state fair, where absolutely horrid amounts of calories and fat will be consumed. I'm guessing i'll probably eat roasted corn, a funnel cake, a lemonade shaker, and maybe a prkchop sandwich. AT LEAST. ughhh....I just cant help myself at the fair though. It's one of those few days a year where I absolutely will not limit what I eat. I only get to experience it one day a year, and i look forward to the food all year, so i'm not going to deprive myself of anything lol
Another one of those absolutely no limits days? My birthday. Which is coming up in about 2 weeks. It will be my first day of classes this year (happy freaking birthday to me...lol) so i'm going to celebrate with my parents early again this year. I love Italian food, so that's what i'll probably choose to eat. Lots of pasta with meet and TONS of cheese...lots of fattening sauce, multiple breadsticks, salad, cake.....
My grandma also wants to take me out to eat somewhere before I leave for school. This will probably end up at another italian restaurant. Looks like i wont be hitting 125 by my birthday after all....
honestly though, that's ok. I'm still very happy with where my weight is right now. I know I could still stand to lose a few pounds, but I dont look bad now. No one would ever look at me and think of me as overweight. I feel so much more confident, and that's a good feeling...as long as I can keep myself from gaining an inappropriate amount.
School should be better though...i hope at least. I'm starting my "graduate program" i guess you could call it, this year, and from what i hear, I can expect to have absolutely zero life outside of class and studying. Lots of stress=very little eating for me, because stress literally makes me sick to my stomach.
The only bad part is that CJ and I are rooming together this year. I'm really excited about that, but CJ doesn't watch what she eats at all. She's by no means FAT, but she's a little overweight. When we're eating together, it usually ends up in a "fuck it...i'm eating whatever I damn well please" kind of attitude. Plus, she loves to go out and party, and I always go along with her when I can. Her bf is in a fraternity, so tehre are a lot of party opportunities, and the guys that we partied with all the time during our freshman year are living in the same dorm as us again, so there should be a lot of drinking involved whenever possible. When we drink, we eat. That's how i gained so much weight freshman year after all....lots of drinking, lots of greasy foods the next morning to soak up the alcohol.
This should make for a pretty interesting combination this year...we'll see what side i end up choosing. Honestly though, if i were placing bets, I really don't look for me to gain that much this year. I'm a lot better at controling myself, watching my weight, and dragging my fat ass to the gym when it gets out of hand.
We shall see...
My eating future doesn't look too bright for the next few weeks either if i'm being honest. Tomorrow the fam and I are heading to the state fair, where absolutely horrid amounts of calories and fat will be consumed. I'm guessing i'll probably eat roasted corn, a funnel cake, a lemonade shaker, and maybe a prkchop sandwich. AT LEAST. ughhh....I just cant help myself at the fair though. It's one of those few days a year where I absolutely will not limit what I eat. I only get to experience it one day a year, and i look forward to the food all year, so i'm not going to deprive myself of anything lol
Another one of those absolutely no limits days? My birthday. Which is coming up in about 2 weeks. It will be my first day of classes this year (happy freaking birthday to me...lol) so i'm going to celebrate with my parents early again this year. I love Italian food, so that's what i'll probably choose to eat. Lots of pasta with meet and TONS of cheese...lots of fattening sauce, multiple breadsticks, salad, cake.....
My grandma also wants to take me out to eat somewhere before I leave for school. This will probably end up at another italian restaurant. Looks like i wont be hitting 125 by my birthday after all....
honestly though, that's ok. I'm still very happy with where my weight is right now. I know I could still stand to lose a few pounds, but I dont look bad now. No one would ever look at me and think of me as overweight. I feel so much more confident, and that's a good feeling...as long as I can keep myself from gaining an inappropriate amount.
School should be better though...i hope at least. I'm starting my "graduate program" i guess you could call it, this year, and from what i hear, I can expect to have absolutely zero life outside of class and studying. Lots of stress=very little eating for me, because stress literally makes me sick to my stomach.
The only bad part is that CJ and I are rooming together this year. I'm really excited about that, but CJ doesn't watch what she eats at all. She's by no means FAT, but she's a little overweight. When we're eating together, it usually ends up in a "fuck it...i'm eating whatever I damn well please" kind of attitude. Plus, she loves to go out and party, and I always go along with her when I can. Her bf is in a fraternity, so tehre are a lot of party opportunities, and the guys that we partied with all the time during our freshman year are living in the same dorm as us again, so there should be a lot of drinking involved whenever possible. When we drink, we eat. That's how i gained so much weight freshman year after all....lots of drinking, lots of greasy foods the next morning to soak up the alcohol.
This should make for a pretty interesting combination this year...we'll see what side i end up choosing. Honestly though, if i were placing bets, I really don't look for me to gain that much this year. I'm a lot better at controling myself, watching my weight, and dragging my fat ass to the gym when it gets out of hand.
We shall see...
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Well my food plan for the week is already screwed up. Yesterday, instead of having chicken and salad, my mom took my sister and I shopping and we ended up stopping at panera bread for lunch. I didn't choose the healthiest thing....the tomato mozzarella panini, but according to the menu, it was around 770 cals, the chips I ate were 160 or so? And then the only thong I ate later that day was a 90 calorie fiber one brownie and some skim milk. Ohh and I had a fruit and yogurt parfait for breakfast. So really I think I stayed pretty near my 1200 cal limit....especially considering how much walking we did!
Then, today, I was planning on having the chicken and salad, but my grandma called and wanted to take my mom and my sister out to eat then to the casino (I'm not old enough to gamble btw so I couldn't go.) so since it was just my dad and I, he brought home some Chinese takeout. I ended up eating half of my garlic chicken, about half of my rice, one egg roll, and a fortune cookie. It's still not TOO bad though, cause I only ate another parfait, another brownie, and more milk before dinner. So as long as I don't eat anything else for the rest of the night, I should be ok. Hopefully.
I also went shopping again today (for different things than yesterday, I swear I'm not a shopoholic!) so I burned some cals there. I bought another bra/undies set too. Gahhh curse you Victorias secret, you take all of my money!! Haha but seriously, this is the most comfortable bra I've ever put on in my whole entire post-pubescent life. I never want to take it off. Like for real, if you all haven't checked out the new showstopper collection, then I highly suggest you go do it. Right now.
Oh, and L randomly texted me while I was shopping today. We don't talk much anymore, maybe once every week and a half to two weeks.... He said he needed space to deal with all the crap in his life right now and that moving on would just be easier if we don't talk everyday like we used to. I understood. However, after about a week and a half, I always break down and text him...he's never the one to text me first.
Anyway, like I said, he texted me today, just a few days after we had talked last. He just wanted to see what was going on with me...but something was weird. Toward the end of our very short convo, he said something kind of flirty, and told me that I meant very much to him. Pretty much out of no where. I don't really know how to take it, but if I know L as well as I think I do, this means something. This probably means that he's not really been moving on, and may want to talk again. Idk, it could mean absolutely nothing, but I know L so well now that nothing he does can shock me, I can predict pretty much everything he does...and it just seems meaningful to me. Oh....what to do if I'm right.....
Then, today, I was planning on having the chicken and salad, but my grandma called and wanted to take my mom and my sister out to eat then to the casino (I'm not old enough to gamble btw so I couldn't go.) so since it was just my dad and I, he brought home some Chinese takeout. I ended up eating half of my garlic chicken, about half of my rice, one egg roll, and a fortune cookie. It's still not TOO bad though, cause I only ate another parfait, another brownie, and more milk before dinner. So as long as I don't eat anything else for the rest of the night, I should be ok. Hopefully.
I also went shopping again today (for different things than yesterday, I swear I'm not a shopoholic!) so I burned some cals there. I bought another bra/undies set too. Gahhh curse you Victorias secret, you take all of my money!! Haha but seriously, this is the most comfortable bra I've ever put on in my whole entire post-pubescent life. I never want to take it off. Like for real, if you all haven't checked out the new showstopper collection, then I highly suggest you go do it. Right now.
Oh, and L randomly texted me while I was shopping today. We don't talk much anymore, maybe once every week and a half to two weeks.... He said he needed space to deal with all the crap in his life right now and that moving on would just be easier if we don't talk everyday like we used to. I understood. However, after about a week and a half, I always break down and text him...he's never the one to text me first.
Anyway, like I said, he texted me today, just a few days after we had talked last. He just wanted to see what was going on with me...but something was weird. Toward the end of our very short convo, he said something kind of flirty, and told me that I meant very much to him. Pretty much out of no where. I don't really know how to take it, but if I know L as well as I think I do, this means something. This probably means that he's not really been moving on, and may want to talk again. Idk, it could mean absolutely nothing, but I know L so well now that nothing he does can shock me, I can predict pretty much everything he does...and it just seems meaningful to me. Oh....what to do if I'm right.....
Monday, August 8, 2011
131
Ok so I finally got up the courage this morning to step on the scale and face the cold hard facts that I've been eating too much junk. I expected my scale to say around 130-131 (actually meaning 134-135ish) but I put both feet on, looked down, and 127! I stared in disbelief, stepped back off, back on, and there it was again...127. So actually I weigh probably around 131 (Gahhh I need an accurate scale so that o can stop guessing!!) but that means I'm only around 2 lbs away from getting into the 120's!! Ahhhh I haven't been in the 120's in the past 5 years probably! I am SO FREAKING EXCITED. I know my ultimate goal weight would be to weigh 120 and my ultimate super dream goal weight is around 115-116 cause that would put me just about 5 lbs away from being underweight, but seriously idk if I'll ever do that. So just 11 lbs from my ultimate goal....I really need to stay focused!
Speaking of focused, today marks the day that I start concentrating on making healthy choices again. Ok, so I already fucked up by taking two mini cinnamon roll free samples at the grocery store this morning...but oh well. At least I didn't buy the whole package and gorge myself on them like I would have loved to do. Then I came home and ate a yogurt parfait, and that's all I will eat until dinner tonight, which I'm making salad so Woohooo!
This week's food calendar looks about like this:
Today:
2 mini cinnamon rolls
Yogurt parfait with strawberries and blueberries
Salad with grilled chicken
Tomorrow:
Parfait
Italian marinated chicken breast
Corn
Fruited Bibb lettuce salad
Wednesday:
Parfait or special k cereal
Chicken tortellini soup (high sodium, but the calories shouldn't be that bad if I don't eat most of the tortellini in it)
Maybe a grilled cheese with the soup
Thursday:
Parfait or cereal
Leftover soup
Friday:
Cereal
Who knows? We may be going to the lake again so well see what that means food wise.
If I get really hungry for lunch, salad only. I'm so committed to losing these last few lbs. And if I can lose 2 lbs a week (which is still a lofty goal when I'm not exercising, I'll admit...) then I will weigh around 125 or so for my birthday, which would be so freaking fantastic!!
Oh, and I feel like I should mention this since it's on my food plan this week....if you ladies are looking for a great low cal dinner, make some Italian marinated chicken breasts. All you do is take some Italian salad dressing, marinate your chicken breast in it for a few hours, then grill it! Seriously, that's it! Two ingredients! And it tastes sooooo good and has so much flavor. You're getting your protein without a lot of cals! Just thought I'd share in case you all haven't already heard about that!
Well that's it for now, I'll probs post more soon, but I'm on my iPhone and I hate writing a ton!
Ok so that's pretty good calorie wise as long as I can stick to it.
Speaking of focused, today marks the day that I start concentrating on making healthy choices again. Ok, so I already fucked up by taking two mini cinnamon roll free samples at the grocery store this morning...but oh well. At least I didn't buy the whole package and gorge myself on them like I would have loved to do. Then I came home and ate a yogurt parfait, and that's all I will eat until dinner tonight, which I'm making salad so Woohooo!
This week's food calendar looks about like this:
Today:
2 mini cinnamon rolls
Yogurt parfait with strawberries and blueberries
Salad with grilled chicken
Tomorrow:
Parfait
Italian marinated chicken breast
Corn
Fruited Bibb lettuce salad
Wednesday:
Parfait or special k cereal
Chicken tortellini soup (high sodium, but the calories shouldn't be that bad if I don't eat most of the tortellini in it)
Maybe a grilled cheese with the soup
Thursday:
Parfait or cereal
Leftover soup
Friday:
Cereal
Who knows? We may be going to the lake again so well see what that means food wise.
If I get really hungry for lunch, salad only. I'm so committed to losing these last few lbs. And if I can lose 2 lbs a week (which is still a lofty goal when I'm not exercising, I'll admit...) then I will weigh around 125 or so for my birthday, which would be so freaking fantastic!!
Oh, and I feel like I should mention this since it's on my food plan this week....if you ladies are looking for a great low cal dinner, make some Italian marinated chicken breasts. All you do is take some Italian salad dressing, marinate your chicken breast in it for a few hours, then grill it! Seriously, that's it! Two ingredients! And it tastes sooooo good and has so much flavor. You're getting your protein without a lot of cals! Just thought I'd share in case you all haven't already heard about that!
Well that's it for now, I'll probs post more soon, but I'm on my iPhone and I hate writing a ton!
Ok so that's pretty good calorie wise as long as I can stick to it.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
I really need to gain control again. Like forreal. I know Ive still lost weight this summer, but all of the sudden it's like I've just stopped caring. I'm eating like crazy. Not really crazy amounts, honestly, but horrible choices. Well, and the amounts aren't really that great either I guess. When I started this summer, I would wake up late, eat maybe a bowl of cereal or a yogurt parfait, then eat one helping at dinner and that would be it for the day. This week, i ate:
3 pieces of pizza
About 6 cookies
5 Reese cups
2 biscuits
3 slices of bacon
A grilled cheese
Bourbon chicken with lots of rice
Apple juice and orange juice instead of water
A slice of chocolate cheesecake
Cheddar and sour cream chips
A chocolate donut
A waffle house waffle
Hashbrowns
2% milk
Mcdonalds cheeseburger
Small fries
Another cheeseburger (home grilled this time)
Yeah....that's all I can think of right now. Of course, that was over a full week, and I was at the lake for 3 days which is where my diet just goes out the window and I eat whatever my family eats, but still. I could have made much better choices.
I broke down and bought a matching bra/undies set from victorias secret the other day. I like them a lot, but I still look in the mirror when I wear them and feel too fat. I don't see my muscles like I want to. I feel like I have no torso lol...I'm so short that any belly fat on me makes me look like I go straight from boobs to legs! Haha
Side note....my boobs frustrate me SOOOO much. I mean....I already had a reduction about 3 1/2 years ago, but I wish I would have gone a little smaller! I'm so sick of companies not making bathing suits for huge boobs. Even at victorias secret, the bras in my size are so HUGE. They have like 4 clips in the back! Really?! I don't need 4 clips! And they never make cute ones in my size either....it always has to be like black, white, or nude. Seriously, I'm a normal sized woman. Just because I have big boobs doesn't mean I don't like to wear cute things!
Lol ok my ranting is done now. I haven't weighed myself yet cause I'm a little apprehensive to see that I've gained instead of lost....but I think tomorrow morning I'll suck it up, weigh myself, and update you all.
3 pieces of pizza
About 6 cookies
5 Reese cups
2 biscuits
3 slices of bacon
A grilled cheese
Bourbon chicken with lots of rice
Apple juice and orange juice instead of water
A slice of chocolate cheesecake
Cheddar and sour cream chips
A chocolate donut
A waffle house waffle
Hashbrowns
2% milk
Mcdonalds cheeseburger
Small fries
Another cheeseburger (home grilled this time)
Yeah....that's all I can think of right now. Of course, that was over a full week, and I was at the lake for 3 days which is where my diet just goes out the window and I eat whatever my family eats, but still. I could have made much better choices.
I broke down and bought a matching bra/undies set from victorias secret the other day. I like them a lot, but I still look in the mirror when I wear them and feel too fat. I don't see my muscles like I want to. I feel like I have no torso lol...I'm so short that any belly fat on me makes me look like I go straight from boobs to legs! Haha
Side note....my boobs frustrate me SOOOO much. I mean....I already had a reduction about 3 1/2 years ago, but I wish I would have gone a little smaller! I'm so sick of companies not making bathing suits for huge boobs. Even at victorias secret, the bras in my size are so HUGE. They have like 4 clips in the back! Really?! I don't need 4 clips! And they never make cute ones in my size either....it always has to be like black, white, or nude. Seriously, I'm a normal sized woman. Just because I have big boobs doesn't mean I don't like to wear cute things!
Lol ok my ranting is done now. I haven't weighed myself yet cause I'm a little apprehensive to see that I've gained instead of lost....but I think tomorrow morning I'll suck it up, weigh myself, and update you all.
Monday, August 1, 2011
so fresh and so clean
Well, the doc called back today and i'm completely 100% STD free. well that's a relief.
On to more important matters...weight. Ive not been eating healthy at all. Like, at all. I love to cook, and Im in charge of cooking dinner for the family every night. Couldn't I use this to my advantage, and cook super healthy, super low cal meals? Sure I could. Is that what I do? Absolutely not.
I wont lie, I love creamy, rich, super fattening foods. I mean seriously now, who doesnt? So instead of cooking lean meats and lots of veggies, I cook pasta, creamy enchiladas, casseroles...you name it. It all tastes absolutely amazing, but really, i have to be super careful controlling my protions so that my calorie count isnt shot for the day with just one meal.
So tonight I'm cooking bourbon chicken. A little better right? Let's just pretend so.
Silver lining though? My scale said 128 today. So....132-133? Looks like im still losing weight, ever so slowly but surely. Woohoo for miracles.
On to more important matters...weight. Ive not been eating healthy at all. Like, at all. I love to cook, and Im in charge of cooking dinner for the family every night. Couldn't I use this to my advantage, and cook super healthy, super low cal meals? Sure I could. Is that what I do? Absolutely not.
I wont lie, I love creamy, rich, super fattening foods. I mean seriously now, who doesnt? So instead of cooking lean meats and lots of veggies, I cook pasta, creamy enchiladas, casseroles...you name it. It all tastes absolutely amazing, but really, i have to be super careful controlling my protions so that my calorie count isnt shot for the day with just one meal.
So tonight I'm cooking bourbon chicken. A little better right? Let's just pretend so.
Silver lining though? My scale said 128 today. So....132-133? Looks like im still losing weight, ever so slowly but surely. Woohoo for miracles.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
135.4
Yup, that's what I weighed at the doctor today. I was wearing all my clothes and my shoes too, mind you, my tank top, shorts, and flip-flops didn't add too much weight, I know, but maybe I at least weight like 135 flat? Either way I'll take it. I'm getting closer and closer everyday.
I cooked a huge unhealthy meal for my family last night and managed to control myself with the portions. Woohooo, small victories.
Welp, went and got my exam/STD test today. Should know the results next week. Keep your fingers crossed (although the doc did say everything looked normal and she highly doubted that anything was wrong) but regardless.....
Mother will be home in about 30 minutes and she wants to talk about my doctors appointment. I told her that I was going because I wanted to talk to the doc about why I'm not sleeping well, and just to get an exam anyway because I'm almost 20 and I feel that I need one (despite my doctor always saying I could wait until I was 21....) I know she's a little suspicious. Hopefully she won't decide to question me too much about it. We'll see I guess.
Results next week.
I cooked a huge unhealthy meal for my family last night and managed to control myself with the portions. Woohooo, small victories.
Welp, went and got my exam/STD test today. Should know the results next week. Keep your fingers crossed (although the doc did say everything looked normal and she highly doubted that anything was wrong) but regardless.....
Mother will be home in about 30 minutes and she wants to talk about my doctors appointment. I told her that I was going because I wanted to talk to the doc about why I'm not sleeping well, and just to get an exam anyway because I'm almost 20 and I feel that I need one (despite my doctor always saying I could wait until I was 21....) I know she's a little suspicious. Hopefully she won't decide to question me too much about it. We'll see I guess.
Results next week.
Monday, July 25, 2011
The scale has been hovering around 130 or the high 120s lately, so as ar as I can guess, I'm probably somewhere around 132-134. Super psyched about it too! As soon as I hit 132 for sure, that will officially mean that I've lost 20 lbs from my highest weight! And then I'll only be 12 lbs from my ultimate goal weight of 120! Ahhh it's getting so close now, it's motivating me every single day!
Well that's not completely true. I went to the lake this weekend and said good riddance to any diet. Huge southern breakfast every morning, dinner at night, snacks on the water....whatever. I'm on my period which is my excuse every month to just have one or two days where I can eat whatever I want without feeling guilty. Plus, this is my first time at the lake in over a year where I actually felt halfway comfortable in a bikini. Gahhh I can't EVEN tell you how good that feels. This time last year, I was wearing a tank top as much as possible on the lake so that I could somewhat hide my fat. This year, my mom told me how good I looked. Oh how far I've come. It took me quite a while, but now that I'm getting things under control, waiting a while and doing it the healthy way doesn't make it any less sweet.
I'm thinking of posting before/after pics soon. Hmmmmm, will I be able to work up the courage?
On a side note, going to get checked for STDs on Thursday. Wooo good times. Even if the chances of me having an STD are basically infinitesimal, still better safe than sorry right? Oh I just can't wait.....
Well that's not completely true. I went to the lake this weekend and said good riddance to any diet. Huge southern breakfast every morning, dinner at night, snacks on the water....whatever. I'm on my period which is my excuse every month to just have one or two days where I can eat whatever I want without feeling guilty. Plus, this is my first time at the lake in over a year where I actually felt halfway comfortable in a bikini. Gahhh I can't EVEN tell you how good that feels. This time last year, I was wearing a tank top as much as possible on the lake so that I could somewhat hide my fat. This year, my mom told me how good I looked. Oh how far I've come. It took me quite a while, but now that I'm getting things under control, waiting a while and doing it the healthy way doesn't make it any less sweet.
I'm thinking of posting before/after pics soon. Hmmmmm, will I be able to work up the courage?
On a side note, going to get checked for STDs on Thursday. Wooo good times. Even if the chances of me having an STD are basically infinitesimal, still better safe than sorry right? Oh I just can't wait.....
Thursday, July 21, 2011
So, Ummmm.......yeahhhhhhh
I don't even know where to begin. I still can't fathom this whole situation, this is so fucked up.
Ummm.....ignore what I said two posts ago. Well, scratch that, don't ignore any of it.....oh, except for the part where I said that L doesn't have herpes.
Yeah.
Well, I guess that's that then. Nothing I can do about us now. At least I now have a reason for why he didn't talk to me for two weeks.
So what now? I guess he'll just be my best friend forever? Fuck. I love him. He will always be more than that to me.
You know what the most fucked up part of this whole situation is? I still truthfully want to be with him. I still want to say "if you can promise me forever....we can be very smart and careful about this and try to make it work." when did I become that person? When did I let myself get THAT wrapped up in a guy? This is some major bullshit.
Even though he's got a horrible back and could possibly be disabled down the road, even though he has an incurable STD, even though his parents still hate me, even though he can probably never have kids, even though he has a fear of love and we have completely different religious beliefs.......I still want him. I still see 30 times more good in him than bad.
The worst part is, I have no one to talk about this with except you all. I can't talk to any of my friends r family about how the person I love has an STD and I still want to be with him. I can't talk to L about how stupid he was.
God, 1 drunken night with some girl which he immediately regretted has turned both our lives upside down overnight.
Three weeks ago we talked about marriage.
Last night we talked about herpes.
Just....why?
Ummm.....ignore what I said two posts ago. Well, scratch that, don't ignore any of it.....oh, except for the part where I said that L doesn't have herpes.
Yeah.
Well, I guess that's that then. Nothing I can do about us now. At least I now have a reason for why he didn't talk to me for two weeks.
So what now? I guess he'll just be my best friend forever? Fuck. I love him. He will always be more than that to me.
You know what the most fucked up part of this whole situation is? I still truthfully want to be with him. I still want to say "if you can promise me forever....we can be very smart and careful about this and try to make it work." when did I become that person? When did I let myself get THAT wrapped up in a guy? This is some major bullshit.
Even though he's got a horrible back and could possibly be disabled down the road, even though he has an incurable STD, even though his parents still hate me, even though he can probably never have kids, even though he has a fear of love and we have completely different religious beliefs.......I still want him. I still see 30 times more good in him than bad.
The worst part is, I have no one to talk about this with except you all. I can't talk to any of my friends r family about how the person I love has an STD and I still want to be with him. I can't talk to L about how stupid he was.
God, 1 drunken night with some girl which he immediately regretted has turned both our lives upside down overnight.
Three weeks ago we talked about marriage.
Last night we talked about herpes.
Just....why?
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Monday, July 4, 2011
well....
I just don't know what to say about my life at this point. It's just mass chaos. Everything was prefect, and then everything came crashing down again.
Here's whats been going on:
1) I'm not going to France anymore. Bummer.
2) L and I broke up, as if that wasn't completely obvious from the last two depressing posts.
3) I've lost weight. WOOHOO!! but i think i've hit a plateau.
4) I have no job for this summer, and i'm quickly blowing through my money.
5) I'm back to crying a lot now. I'll tell you all about that later.
Ok, so, weight. Well, as I said from my last post or two, when L and I broke up, I sort of spiraled into a depression for a week or so, and didn't really eat. At all. Well, as horrible as that is for me, I did manage to knock off about 5 lbs or so, and that really got the ball rolling and gave me something else to think about besides L. Eventually though, I decided that I wasn't going to starve myself. I was going to lose weight, and do it in the healthiest way possible, and that's exactly what i've been doing for the last month or so. I never let myself go hungry anymore. I don't starve and I don't obsess over every calorie I put into my mouth and I dont exercise for hours to get into negative calories for the day. I eat what I want, when I want, but I watch my portions, and I try to focus on healthy choices. I will say, I dont exercise at all, but eh, i;ve always hated that anyway. I'm much happier this way. I've been losing weight too, slowly but surely. I'm now down to about 135 as best I can figure, and it's still continuing to drop. I just got back from a week of vacation, so it was a littler harder to concentrate on healthy choices there. I still have a ways to go, and I want to be in the 120's so desperately, but i'm confident that I'll be there by the end of this summer, as long as I can stay focused...which has become second nature lately, not really a chore anymore.
The other big story. I need your support ladies. Yeah, you guessed it, of course this is going to be about the boy.
Well it only took about 4 days after L and I officially broke up that he called me at home. We talked for hours, just like nothing had ever happened, and our friendship returned to normal. After that, we've been talking every single day, sometimes even multiple times a day. Weve hung out twice, and things just felt so good. We never mentioned getting back together, which was ok, I was trying to just convince myself that friendship was the only thing we needed at this point, and I was slowly starting to move on.
L called one night, and during one of our 4 hour conversations, he mentioned that he thought maybe he had made a mistake breaking up with me, and might want to get back together at some point. He said he felt horrible for what he did, and that to this day he still doesn't know why he ended things...he only knew how much he regretted it.
We agreed to take things slowly and see where they went, but that only lasted for a few days. Pretty soon we were texting constantly, and our texts were all about dating again. He told me that he thinks he loves me. He told me that I hadn't left his mind for one second, and that he felt so lucky to have me in his life. He called me beautiful, and angel, and basically said that as soon as I got back from vacation, he was going to ask me to be his girlfriend again. Everything was prefect, we were both so happy and I couldn't wait to kiss him again and have everything return to the way it should be. It was the happiest i've been in so long.
Then it happened. Our first fight EVER, in the history of knowing each other for almost a year.
(Now ladies, I hesitate to even tell you all of this story, because you all don't know L personally, and are going to judge him very harshly for this next information, which I don't want you to do. He really is a great guy, and he simply made a mistake, so try to keep an open mind, please?)
Anyway, On my second night of vacation, after about 5 straight days of gooshy, sweet texting, L asked me to call him because he had to tell me something. I got away by myself for a few minutes, and when I called him and asked what was going on, he said "well, i just need to tell you something. Before you decide to date me again, you need to know something.....a couple of weeks ago, I was at a party, and I hooked up with a girl...and I think she may have given me herpes."
Que complete silence from me save the one question "you're joking, right?"
Well he wasnt. Turns out, he hooked up with this girl not once, but twice. They didn't have sex, but he went down on her and she on him twice. Now, I know that L and I weren;t together, and at the time that this happened, we werent even talking about being back together, so it's not like he cheated on me. But still, I felt lied to. I felt that all of the things he had been saying to me for the past several days, especailly how I had never left his mind, he had wanted me back since the day he broke up with me, etc. meant nothing. I didn't know how to react. I mean, not only did I feel lied to and like all my excitement that I had built up for the past several days was over, but if it were true, and he really did have herpes, of course that would be the end of our relationship forever.
I basically hung up on him at that point. After a few minutes of thinking about it and getting more and more angry, I sent him a very nasty text or two. I called him back when he didnt respond, and he was literally besdie himself, crying. His parents were there, and knew everything, trying to comfort him. I thought he was crying because he was scared, but apparently he was crying because he didn't want to lose me. I hung up and sent another fairly mean text later that night.
Two days later, more angry texting on my part. Finally, after several days of thinking about it, I calmed down a little. L doesn't have herpes, and is being tested for every other STD, but right now it looks like he just overreacted and is completely fine. Well, when I came home from vacation, I apologized to him for everything I had said, and asked him to forgive me and to know that I only said the things I did because I was very hurt. I told him that as long as he was STD free, I would still like to talk to him about eventually getting back together, as long as we could take things slowly.
Turns out though that about a week and a half prior to this incident, L's parents had gotten so concerned about his weight (which is very low) and about his unhappiness (which I didn't see) that they convinced him to start talking to a therapist. L said he forgave me for everything I said and was very sorry for everything he did as well, but he felt like he needed to concentrate on himself for a while and get his life back in order before he started thinking about anyone else. As much as I understand where he's coming from and completely agree, I'm also really upset and feel like I've lost him all over again.
And oh yeah, I forgot to mention, after his complete breakdown the other night and the series of very nasty texts I sent to push him over the edge, his parents now hate me. Great.
I don't know how to feel about all this. He was an idiot, and I'm still so hurt to know that he never really did miss me as much as I miss him. We didn't talk at all yesterday, which is so unusual for us. As much as I'll take our friendship, and even though he said maybe one day we can still talk about dating again, I don't know if I can ever be just friends with him. I either need to be with him and be able to love him, or I need to get over him. Unfortunately, I can't do either at this point. I feel like maybe I shouldn't trust him, even though I know he just made a drunken mistake and was just trying to find himself again...
I dont know. All I know is that I'm beginning to think that boys just aren't worth it...
Here's whats been going on:
1) I'm not going to France anymore. Bummer.
2) L and I broke up, as if that wasn't completely obvious from the last two depressing posts.
3) I've lost weight. WOOHOO!! but i think i've hit a plateau.
4) I have no job for this summer, and i'm quickly blowing through my money.
5) I'm back to crying a lot now. I'll tell you all about that later.
Ok, so, weight. Well, as I said from my last post or two, when L and I broke up, I sort of spiraled into a depression for a week or so, and didn't really eat. At all. Well, as horrible as that is for me, I did manage to knock off about 5 lbs or so, and that really got the ball rolling and gave me something else to think about besides L. Eventually though, I decided that I wasn't going to starve myself. I was going to lose weight, and do it in the healthiest way possible, and that's exactly what i've been doing for the last month or so. I never let myself go hungry anymore. I don't starve and I don't obsess over every calorie I put into my mouth and I dont exercise for hours to get into negative calories for the day. I eat what I want, when I want, but I watch my portions, and I try to focus on healthy choices. I will say, I dont exercise at all, but eh, i;ve always hated that anyway. I'm much happier this way. I've been losing weight too, slowly but surely. I'm now down to about 135 as best I can figure, and it's still continuing to drop. I just got back from a week of vacation, so it was a littler harder to concentrate on healthy choices there. I still have a ways to go, and I want to be in the 120's so desperately, but i'm confident that I'll be there by the end of this summer, as long as I can stay focused...which has become second nature lately, not really a chore anymore.
The other big story. I need your support ladies. Yeah, you guessed it, of course this is going to be about the boy.
Well it only took about 4 days after L and I officially broke up that he called me at home. We talked for hours, just like nothing had ever happened, and our friendship returned to normal. After that, we've been talking every single day, sometimes even multiple times a day. Weve hung out twice, and things just felt so good. We never mentioned getting back together, which was ok, I was trying to just convince myself that friendship was the only thing we needed at this point, and I was slowly starting to move on.
L called one night, and during one of our 4 hour conversations, he mentioned that he thought maybe he had made a mistake breaking up with me, and might want to get back together at some point. He said he felt horrible for what he did, and that to this day he still doesn't know why he ended things...he only knew how much he regretted it.
We agreed to take things slowly and see where they went, but that only lasted for a few days. Pretty soon we were texting constantly, and our texts were all about dating again. He told me that he thinks he loves me. He told me that I hadn't left his mind for one second, and that he felt so lucky to have me in his life. He called me beautiful, and angel, and basically said that as soon as I got back from vacation, he was going to ask me to be his girlfriend again. Everything was prefect, we were both so happy and I couldn't wait to kiss him again and have everything return to the way it should be. It was the happiest i've been in so long.
Then it happened. Our first fight EVER, in the history of knowing each other for almost a year.
(Now ladies, I hesitate to even tell you all of this story, because you all don't know L personally, and are going to judge him very harshly for this next information, which I don't want you to do. He really is a great guy, and he simply made a mistake, so try to keep an open mind, please?)
Anyway, On my second night of vacation, after about 5 straight days of gooshy, sweet texting, L asked me to call him because he had to tell me something. I got away by myself for a few minutes, and when I called him and asked what was going on, he said "well, i just need to tell you something. Before you decide to date me again, you need to know something.....a couple of weeks ago, I was at a party, and I hooked up with a girl...and I think she may have given me herpes."
Que complete silence from me save the one question "you're joking, right?"
Well he wasnt. Turns out, he hooked up with this girl not once, but twice. They didn't have sex, but he went down on her and she on him twice. Now, I know that L and I weren;t together, and at the time that this happened, we werent even talking about being back together, so it's not like he cheated on me. But still, I felt lied to. I felt that all of the things he had been saying to me for the past several days, especailly how I had never left his mind, he had wanted me back since the day he broke up with me, etc. meant nothing. I didn't know how to react. I mean, not only did I feel lied to and like all my excitement that I had built up for the past several days was over, but if it were true, and he really did have herpes, of course that would be the end of our relationship forever.
I basically hung up on him at that point. After a few minutes of thinking about it and getting more and more angry, I sent him a very nasty text or two. I called him back when he didnt respond, and he was literally besdie himself, crying. His parents were there, and knew everything, trying to comfort him. I thought he was crying because he was scared, but apparently he was crying because he didn't want to lose me. I hung up and sent another fairly mean text later that night.
Two days later, more angry texting on my part. Finally, after several days of thinking about it, I calmed down a little. L doesn't have herpes, and is being tested for every other STD, but right now it looks like he just overreacted and is completely fine. Well, when I came home from vacation, I apologized to him for everything I had said, and asked him to forgive me and to know that I only said the things I did because I was very hurt. I told him that as long as he was STD free, I would still like to talk to him about eventually getting back together, as long as we could take things slowly.
Turns out though that about a week and a half prior to this incident, L's parents had gotten so concerned about his weight (which is very low) and about his unhappiness (which I didn't see) that they convinced him to start talking to a therapist. L said he forgave me for everything I said and was very sorry for everything he did as well, but he felt like he needed to concentrate on himself for a while and get his life back in order before he started thinking about anyone else. As much as I understand where he's coming from and completely agree, I'm also really upset and feel like I've lost him all over again.
And oh yeah, I forgot to mention, after his complete breakdown the other night and the series of very nasty texts I sent to push him over the edge, his parents now hate me. Great.
I don't know how to feel about all this. He was an idiot, and I'm still so hurt to know that he never really did miss me as much as I miss him. We didn't talk at all yesterday, which is so unusual for us. As much as I'll take our friendship, and even though he said maybe one day we can still talk about dating again, I don't know if I can ever be just friends with him. I either need to be with him and be able to love him, or I need to get over him. Unfortunately, I can't do either at this point. I feel like maybe I shouldn't trust him, even though I know he just made a drunken mistake and was just trying to find himself again...
I dont know. All I know is that I'm beginning to think that boys just aren't worth it...
Friday, May 13, 2011
He left. For good.
The reason changed from "I'm not happy and I don't want to burden anyone with my unhappiness" to "I just lost those feelings for you. I just see you as a friend" to "I wasn't ready to have a serious girlfriend. We spent every moment together. It wasn't just me anymore, it was me and you. I was scared of that seriousness."
I dont know the real reason. All I know is that I feel like half of me has physically been ripped away from my body, leaving me bleeding, suffering, and emotionally dead.
I've cried every day for the last week. My eyes are red and swollen every morning when I wake up. I dream about him everynight, and in my dreams everything is good again, adn I'm happy. Then I wake up and realize that it isn't true, and I cry some more.
I miss him. I miss him so much. I want him back and it's almost harder basically knowing that the reason he broke up with me is because his feelings for me were too strong (Despite the other reasons he gave, the fact that he was scared of falling for me made the most sense and seemed to be the most truthful....i'm not just saying that because i'm bitter.)
I have this hope still, and I don't know if I want it to be there or not. There is nothing I would love more than the prospect of being with him again one day down the road. But he lives an hour away from me. I will hardly see him, if at all, this summer. If things work out well, we may talk every other week or so, i dont know. His feelings could easily change. He really could lose any interest in me, and I don;t want to hurt like this again.
I just miss him. I just want him to miss me too.
The reason changed from "I'm not happy and I don't want to burden anyone with my unhappiness" to "I just lost those feelings for you. I just see you as a friend" to "I wasn't ready to have a serious girlfriend. We spent every moment together. It wasn't just me anymore, it was me and you. I was scared of that seriousness."
I dont know the real reason. All I know is that I feel like half of me has physically been ripped away from my body, leaving me bleeding, suffering, and emotionally dead.
I've cried every day for the last week. My eyes are red and swollen every morning when I wake up. I dream about him everynight, and in my dreams everything is good again, adn I'm happy. Then I wake up and realize that it isn't true, and I cry some more.
I miss him. I miss him so much. I want him back and it's almost harder basically knowing that the reason he broke up with me is because his feelings for me were too strong (Despite the other reasons he gave, the fact that he was scared of falling for me made the most sense and seemed to be the most truthful....i'm not just saying that because i'm bitter.)
I have this hope still, and I don't know if I want it to be there or not. There is nothing I would love more than the prospect of being with him again one day down the road. But he lives an hour away from me. I will hardly see him, if at all, this summer. If things work out well, we may talk every other week or so, i dont know. His feelings could easily change. He really could lose any interest in me, and I don;t want to hurt like this again.
I just miss him. I just want him to miss me too.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
empty.
He left. Or rather, I pushed him out. Kind of, I guess...
I don't even know anymore. He told me he wasn't happy in his life in general right now. He said he didn't know whether I was the reason behind that or not. He said I liked him more than he liked me.
I cried and cried and cried. I told him i'd give him his space until he figured things out. He could text me and call me and talk to me first.
We haven't talked in several days. There hasn't been a single day in the past 7 months when I haven't talked to him.
And so I'm waiting. Waiting once again until he decides he wants me as much as I want him. I've been here too many times before.
I've been useless. I go out and put on a happy face, but i'm empty inside. When I'm alone I just sleep. I haven't eaten since my one meal on friday.
I just want him back.
I don't even know anymore. He told me he wasn't happy in his life in general right now. He said he didn't know whether I was the reason behind that or not. He said I liked him more than he liked me.
I cried and cried and cried. I told him i'd give him his space until he figured things out. He could text me and call me and talk to me first.
We haven't talked in several days. There hasn't been a single day in the past 7 months when I haven't talked to him.
And so I'm waiting. Waiting once again until he decides he wants me as much as I want him. I've been here too many times before.
I've been useless. I go out and put on a happy face, but i'm empty inside. When I'm alone I just sleep. I haven't eaten since my one meal on friday.
I just want him back.
Friday, April 22, 2011
blah.
Ah shit. I've returned.
I was stupid to think I could ever just walk away from this blog and therefore my issues. Clearly this is bigger than that.
Well, I've been gone quite a while, haven't I? I suppose you all are just aching for an update on my life.
Maybe not, but you're going to get one anyway.
Well....hmmmm, where to start? The boy? The weight? The school? Eh....this IS a weight blog after all, I might as well start there.
You know how I was sick with those stupid throat problems last semester and I had to have my tonsils removed and everything? Well....I don't wish that upon me again, it was fucking miserable, but I do wish I could starve the way I was starving then. I couldn't eat AT ALL during that time....I would drink one juicebox and it would last me 3 hours. Needless to say, I dropped weight like it was my job, without even trying. The best part was, I didn't even WANT to eat. I had no hunger. I starved and starved and starved and it was never an inconvenience in the slightest. I believe my blog says I dropped down to 135 or so? I can't really remember. Regardless, I was determined that I was going to keep that weight off. How hard could it be?
Apparently really freaking hard. Ever since then, it's like my body has been trying to make up for the months of food it didn't consume. If I told you how much I've been eating, you all would puke. It's that disgusting. Anyway, my weight is up to 145 again. FML. However, I have started to work out again. I'm determined to lose at least 6-8 pounds before school is out (in 3 weeks) and thats totally possible. I've been eating a little healthier, and in a few hours, this will make day 3 that I've gone to the gym and done cardio for at least an hour.
What else?
Boy. Of course, always the boy.
L and I are still together. Thank goodness, because I don't know what I would do without him in my life. We spend absolutely every free moment together, and it's just bliss. We haven;t said the big "L word" yet, and I'm really scared to do so...but I think I might actually..."______" him. I don't want to even type it right now. I know I typed it in my last post, but that was more of a joke...more of a "wow, i'm so lucky" kind of thing.
He's hurt though. Bad. He has a pinched nerve in his back that he's been dealing with basically for the past 3 months, and he's in excrutiating pain. He can hardly walk. I feel so bad for him. He's absolutely miserable, too, because he can't work out. He's been swimming every day, and 3 days a week with me, but now it's to the point where he can't even really do that. He's going back to the doctor today though. I'm crossing my fingers that he gets some decent news.
I want to work out for him. I want to look good for him. Every single day he looks at me and says "gosh, you're so pretty." Or he tells me i'm beautiful and he calls me sexy and he tells me that he loves my body. Well that's all good and dandy, but I know he isn't 100% telling the truth. This is not what he prefers. His past girlfriends had 6 packs and spent their lives exercising just as much as he does. He hates when I talk about not liking to exercise, or saying that I "can't" do something. That's about the only thing I can possibly say to make him mad, telling him that I "can't" run two miles, or that I "can't" lose weight on my own.
I bought a super sexy (and pretty super tiny) Victoria's Secret bikini for this summer. I know I'll be at the lake a lot with L and his friends, and I don't want to look disgusting and fat like I do now. That's my motivation. I put it on from time to time, and just stand in front of the mirror, envisioning what it will look like when I'm a lot skinnier.
Moving on....
School/life=Big changes.
I'm not going to Paris anymore. :(
Yeah, actually I'm not that upset about it. I mean it would have been an awesome opportunity, but it was uber scary. Plus, it would have cost me about $40,000 after I lost scholarships and paid for school and blah blah blah.
I did get into nursing school though. WOOHOOO!! In case I haven't told you, that's a super difficult and prestigious program to get into at my school. I'm pretty excited to start that in the fall.
Well, I know I have mroe to say, but it's taken me a while to write this and I really have to go work out before I pack my things and go home for Easter this weekend. Help me stay strong ladies. I know you all have stayed beautiful :) xo
I was stupid to think I could ever just walk away from this blog and therefore my issues. Clearly this is bigger than that.
Well, I've been gone quite a while, haven't I? I suppose you all are just aching for an update on my life.
Maybe not, but you're going to get one anyway.
Well....hmmmm, where to start? The boy? The weight? The school? Eh....this IS a weight blog after all, I might as well start there.
You know how I was sick with those stupid throat problems last semester and I had to have my tonsils removed and everything? Well....I don't wish that upon me again, it was fucking miserable, but I do wish I could starve the way I was starving then. I couldn't eat AT ALL during that time....I would drink one juicebox and it would last me 3 hours. Needless to say, I dropped weight like it was my job, without even trying. The best part was, I didn't even WANT to eat. I had no hunger. I starved and starved and starved and it was never an inconvenience in the slightest. I believe my blog says I dropped down to 135 or so? I can't really remember. Regardless, I was determined that I was going to keep that weight off. How hard could it be?
Apparently really freaking hard. Ever since then, it's like my body has been trying to make up for the months of food it didn't consume. If I told you how much I've been eating, you all would puke. It's that disgusting. Anyway, my weight is up to 145 again. FML. However, I have started to work out again. I'm determined to lose at least 6-8 pounds before school is out (in 3 weeks) and thats totally possible. I've been eating a little healthier, and in a few hours, this will make day 3 that I've gone to the gym and done cardio for at least an hour.
What else?
Boy. Of course, always the boy.
L and I are still together. Thank goodness, because I don't know what I would do without him in my life. We spend absolutely every free moment together, and it's just bliss. We haven;t said the big "L word" yet, and I'm really scared to do so...but I think I might actually..."______" him. I don't want to even type it right now. I know I typed it in my last post, but that was more of a joke...more of a "wow, i'm so lucky" kind of thing.
He's hurt though. Bad. He has a pinched nerve in his back that he's been dealing with basically for the past 3 months, and he's in excrutiating pain. He can hardly walk. I feel so bad for him. He's absolutely miserable, too, because he can't work out. He's been swimming every day, and 3 days a week with me, but now it's to the point where he can't even really do that. He's going back to the doctor today though. I'm crossing my fingers that he gets some decent news.
I want to work out for him. I want to look good for him. Every single day he looks at me and says "gosh, you're so pretty." Or he tells me i'm beautiful and he calls me sexy and he tells me that he loves my body. Well that's all good and dandy, but I know he isn't 100% telling the truth. This is not what he prefers. His past girlfriends had 6 packs and spent their lives exercising just as much as he does. He hates when I talk about not liking to exercise, or saying that I "can't" do something. That's about the only thing I can possibly say to make him mad, telling him that I "can't" run two miles, or that I "can't" lose weight on my own.
I bought a super sexy (and pretty super tiny) Victoria's Secret bikini for this summer. I know I'll be at the lake a lot with L and his friends, and I don't want to look disgusting and fat like I do now. That's my motivation. I put it on from time to time, and just stand in front of the mirror, envisioning what it will look like when I'm a lot skinnier.
Moving on....
School/life=Big changes.
I'm not going to Paris anymore. :(
Yeah, actually I'm not that upset about it. I mean it would have been an awesome opportunity, but it was uber scary. Plus, it would have cost me about $40,000 after I lost scholarships and paid for school and blah blah blah.
I did get into nursing school though. WOOHOOO!! In case I haven't told you, that's a super difficult and prestigious program to get into at my school. I'm pretty excited to start that in the fall.
Well, I know I have mroe to say, but it's taken me a while to write this and I really have to go work out before I pack my things and go home for Easter this weekend. Help me stay strong ladies. I know you all have stayed beautiful :) xo
Monday, February 14, 2011
Yeah, I lied.
I know I said that I wasn't going to post on this blog anymore for a while, but something happened this weekend that I only worthy of sharing with you all. I went on a long car ride with L this weekend. Almost 3 hours alone. Just talking. Talkig about anything and everything, an our biggest fears. I've told you before that L has some kind of disorder as well with his eating. He has to work out at least 2 hours a day, obsesses about what his body looks like, etc. After getting to know him better and becoming so much closer to him, I've decided that he would be classified as having orthorexia. He obsessively thinks about just being healthy. Well, I told him. That's right, I told him about my eating issues. I told him how little I ate this summer, how much I thought about it all the time, how much I hated myself. He completely understood and completely didn't understand at the same time. He understands the passion, the NEED for it, but he doesn't understand not eating to lose weight. He exercises to be healthy, not lose weight. Anyway, the point is, he didn't judge me for it. He didn't think I was crazy. He wasn't mad. I wasn't embarassed. He knows everything (well...actually, he still doesn't know about this blog) but he knows my biggest faults and insecurities, and somehow, he still cares for me. We sat in silence for a little while afterwords, and then he just looked over at me, smile spread across his face, sun shining in his hair, and said "you're absolutely beautiful."
I think I'm in love.
I think I'm in love.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
break.
i think i'm going to take a break from blogging. I know, that's not that big of news considering how little i post on here anymore, but i just don't think its what i need in my life right now. You ladies are amazing. each and every one of you is a beautiful person and i'm so thankful for you all, but that's just it...i think youre too good for this. I think we're all too go for this life. I know, its a disorder, a lot of us can't escape from it, and yes, a lot of us DO need to lose weight...but i dont want to encourage anything unsafe or unhealthy anymore. and that's what i'm doing just by being on this blog. i'm saying "great job!" every time you fast and lose another pound. I'm saying, "dont worry about that binge, just go work out a ton and burn off those calories!" i'm saying "you look amazing!" to all of these underweight girls.
i dont want to be that person. i'm sorry girls, but i guess maybe i've just gotten on this religious kick lately. I want to start living my life for God as best i can. I just want to be a good person. Besides my weight, i'm absolutely happy with EVERY aspect of my life. I have a beautiful family who loves me, i live in a beautiful country, i love my school and everything that i study, I have the best friends and a wonderful boyfriend who tells me every day how beautiful and perfect I am. I don't need anything (weight included) bringing me down.
of course, i'll be honest, this isn't goodbye forever. I'll probably be back to update you all every now and then. I'm just not sure when that next time will be.
Thank you to everyone who has been following me and all the kind comments you've left. Like i said, i do appreciate you all so very much, and i just wish you nothing but happiness and success in your lives. I dont care how much you weigh/what your habits are, i find you all beautiful on the inside, and i'm sure youre just as beautiful on the outside.
Take care of yourselves ladies. I love you. We'll catch up soon.
i dont want to be that person. i'm sorry girls, but i guess maybe i've just gotten on this religious kick lately. I want to start living my life for God as best i can. I just want to be a good person. Besides my weight, i'm absolutely happy with EVERY aspect of my life. I have a beautiful family who loves me, i live in a beautiful country, i love my school and everything that i study, I have the best friends and a wonderful boyfriend who tells me every day how beautiful and perfect I am. I don't need anything (weight included) bringing me down.
of course, i'll be honest, this isn't goodbye forever. I'll probably be back to update you all every now and then. I'm just not sure when that next time will be.
Thank you to everyone who has been following me and all the kind comments you've left. Like i said, i do appreciate you all so very much, and i just wish you nothing but happiness and success in your lives. I dont care how much you weigh/what your habits are, i find you all beautiful on the inside, and i'm sure youre just as beautiful on the outside.
Take care of yourselves ladies. I love you. We'll catch up soon.
Monday, January 31, 2011
completely useless post.
I have absolutely nothing to say. Nothing has been going on in my life worth blogging about. Been on some dates with L, ate a lot of food, that's all that been going on.
But i feel like i'm failing you all for not blogging. You're following for a reason, i must keep up with the demand, no?
i'm going swimming tonight. I'm hoping to at least put in 1,000 yards, which would only take me like 20-30 minutes, but idk. I'm teaching L a new stroke tonight, so most of my time will be spent coaching him instead of getting my own workout in.
Also, question to all you ladies out there. Have you all ever started/switched birth controls and experienced uncontrollable cravings for food and an insatiable appetite? Maybe i'm making excuses and i've just lost all self control, but i swear that since i've started the pill again, i've had those cravings like when you're on your period. I just CANT STOP EATING. And i crave chocolate and carbs like crazy.
Anyway, just curious. Have a beautiful day ladies!
But i feel like i'm failing you all for not blogging. You're following for a reason, i must keep up with the demand, no?
i'm going swimming tonight. I'm hoping to at least put in 1,000 yards, which would only take me like 20-30 minutes, but idk. I'm teaching L a new stroke tonight, so most of my time will be spent coaching him instead of getting my own workout in.
Also, question to all you ladies out there. Have you all ever started/switched birth controls and experienced uncontrollable cravings for food and an insatiable appetite? Maybe i'm making excuses and i've just lost all self control, but i swear that since i've started the pill again, i've had those cravings like when you're on your period. I just CANT STOP EATING. And i crave chocolate and carbs like crazy.
Anyway, just curious. Have a beautiful day ladies!
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
life.....is beautiful
well hello there :)
just stopping by to drop a line or two about what's going on with me. A lot has changed since we last spoke.
well thats a lie actually. Just one major thing has changed: L and I are official. Yup. he asked me to be his girlfriend on saturday and it was one fo the best nights of my life. We went out to a party later that night though and i got wasted, as always. he stayed with me that night though, and somehow even managed to ENJOY my ridiculous drunken antics. ever since then, he cant stop telling me how perfect/beautiful/wonderful i am and how happy/excited/lucky i make him feel. I love it. He almost does it TOO much though. Constantly smiling around me now...it's nice, but i dont feel like i'm quite up to that level of affection yet?
Anyway, this new stauts in my life has actually had some effect on my eating.
1) L lives on campus like I do, so he wants to eat lunch and dinner with me basically every day. this is new to me, because i was usually just on the 1 meal a day thing. Now it's definitely two.
2) Him telling me i'm beautiful so much and never saying anything bad about me gives me absolutely no motivation to work towards losing weight. I still want to, but then i say to myself "ehh, why waste all the energy? He still thinks you look good."
3) probably the only good thing about this, L wants me to teach him how to swim better, so 3 nights a week i go to the pool and do some laps while i give him a workout. I still dont work very hard though.
I refuse to weigh myself right now, as much as i want to. I feel lost in this weight loss process, i'm so conflicted with myself all of the time. BUT, i'm happy. So happy, so that covers it up...for now at least.
just stopping by to drop a line or two about what's going on with me. A lot has changed since we last spoke.
well thats a lie actually. Just one major thing has changed: L and I are official. Yup. he asked me to be his girlfriend on saturday and it was one fo the best nights of my life. We went out to a party later that night though and i got wasted, as always. he stayed with me that night though, and somehow even managed to ENJOY my ridiculous drunken antics. ever since then, he cant stop telling me how perfect/beautiful/wonderful i am and how happy/excited/lucky i make him feel. I love it. He almost does it TOO much though. Constantly smiling around me now...it's nice, but i dont feel like i'm quite up to that level of affection yet?
Anyway, this new stauts in my life has actually had some effect on my eating.
1) L lives on campus like I do, so he wants to eat lunch and dinner with me basically every day. this is new to me, because i was usually just on the 1 meal a day thing. Now it's definitely two.
2) Him telling me i'm beautiful so much and never saying anything bad about me gives me absolutely no motivation to work towards losing weight. I still want to, but then i say to myself "ehh, why waste all the energy? He still thinks you look good."
3) probably the only good thing about this, L wants me to teach him how to swim better, so 3 nights a week i go to the pool and do some laps while i give him a workout. I still dont work very hard though.
I refuse to weigh myself right now, as much as i want to. I feel lost in this weight loss process, i'm so conflicted with myself all of the time. BUT, i'm happy. So happy, so that covers it up...for now at least.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
succcckkkkkkkkkkk
that basically sums up everything about my eating lately. gahh, i just can't stop! i have all this candy in my room that i bought when L and I went to the movies the other night, and i cant stop eating these damn jolly ranchers! and that damn chocolate cake, and oh yeah, those enormous meals i'm having everyday.
My family went out to celebrate a birthday today. Went to a restaurant, ate TWO huge buttery rolls before dinner even came...then some pulled pork, a baked potato loaded with fat, some broccoli (oh yippie) and another roll. fml.
I dont think i've gained any, thank the lord, but that will all catch up with me soon. I'm sure of it, it has to.
I'm actually excited to go back to school. I do so much better distracting myself and not eating there. I mean yeah, all the alcohol takes its toll, but i really havent been out that much...plus i have a gym at school, for those rare occasions when i actually feel the urge to work out.
i've set a goal: i want to weigh 128 by valentines day. I weigh about 136 now. SOOO, that mean i have just under a month to lose 8 pounds. COMPLETELY possible. it would actually be easy for a lot of you girls. If i actually do this, i will be so ecstatic. I havent weighed in the 120's since.....well, since about 3 years ago at least. i think i'll look pretty decent then, even though i'll probably want to keep going.
I can do this. help me stay strong ladies.
that basically sums up everything about my eating lately. gahh, i just can't stop! i have all this candy in my room that i bought when L and I went to the movies the other night, and i cant stop eating these damn jolly ranchers! and that damn chocolate cake, and oh yeah, those enormous meals i'm having everyday.
My family went out to celebrate a birthday today. Went to a restaurant, ate TWO huge buttery rolls before dinner even came...then some pulled pork, a baked potato loaded with fat, some broccoli (oh yippie) and another roll. fml.
I dont think i've gained any, thank the lord, but that will all catch up with me soon. I'm sure of it, it has to.
I'm actually excited to go back to school. I do so much better distracting myself and not eating there. I mean yeah, all the alcohol takes its toll, but i really havent been out that much...plus i have a gym at school, for those rare occasions when i actually feel the urge to work out.
i've set a goal: i want to weigh 128 by valentines day. I weigh about 136 now. SOOO, that mean i have just under a month to lose 8 pounds. COMPLETELY possible. it would actually be easy for a lot of you girls. If i actually do this, i will be so ecstatic. I havent weighed in the 120's since.....well, since about 3 years ago at least. i think i'll look pretty decent then, even though i'll probably want to keep going.
I can do this. help me stay strong ladies.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
My eating is absolutely OFC. out of FUCKING control. I keep trying to find reasons for it, and there are so many....
1)i've been cooking so much, there's always an excess of wonderful food around to tempt me
2) I've changed birth controls, and i swear it's messed with my hormones. I get cravings like when i'm on my period
3) I got so used to eating so little, and then not eating at all during my surgery, that my body is trying to make up for it
i seriously feel like i think of a new reason every day why i'm eating so much, but heres what it comes down to: i'm making excuses. I just want to eat. that's all there is to it. I don't care anymore.
wait, scratch that. I do care. A lot.
It's just that I only care once the food is already in me. My mom made this wonderful chocolate cake thats been in our kitchen for the past few days. The other day i ate THREE WHOLE PIECES!!! wtf?! who does that?! i know how many calories it contains. I know how fat it makes me, but when it's sitting there, staring me in the face with its gooey chocolate chip eyes, i just say "ehhh, fuck it." and i eat it. Then as soon as i'm finished, i sit there and think "ooohhhh shitttt......" and i freak out. I'm getting fat again. I'm gonna gain all the weight back. I look terrible, etc.
So here's what all of this boils down to: i'm done.
The only reason i'm eating all of this is because i think it's going to make me feel good. I think that I can just put this food into my mouth then forget about it once it's gone. I think that the taste will be worth the end result.
The problem is, that doesn't happen. I still freak out, i still feel worse AFTER eating it then i would have if i had just left it alone. It's not worth it. I'm done. I'm not eating anymore. I'm not fasting completely, but i'm going back to my one meal a day, around 600 calories maximum thing.
I will lose this weight. I will be skinny. I will love what i see in the mirror. I will be hot. It will happen.
1)i've been cooking so much, there's always an excess of wonderful food around to tempt me
2) I've changed birth controls, and i swear it's messed with my hormones. I get cravings like when i'm on my period
3) I got so used to eating so little, and then not eating at all during my surgery, that my body is trying to make up for it
i seriously feel like i think of a new reason every day why i'm eating so much, but heres what it comes down to: i'm making excuses. I just want to eat. that's all there is to it. I don't care anymore.
wait, scratch that. I do care. A lot.
It's just that I only care once the food is already in me. My mom made this wonderful chocolate cake thats been in our kitchen for the past few days. The other day i ate THREE WHOLE PIECES!!! wtf?! who does that?! i know how many calories it contains. I know how fat it makes me, but when it's sitting there, staring me in the face with its gooey chocolate chip eyes, i just say "ehhh, fuck it." and i eat it. Then as soon as i'm finished, i sit there and think "ooohhhh shitttt......" and i freak out. I'm getting fat again. I'm gonna gain all the weight back. I look terrible, etc.
So here's what all of this boils down to: i'm done.
The only reason i'm eating all of this is because i think it's going to make me feel good. I think that I can just put this food into my mouth then forget about it once it's gone. I think that the taste will be worth the end result.
The problem is, that doesn't happen. I still freak out, i still feel worse AFTER eating it then i would have if i had just left it alone. It's not worth it. I'm done. I'm not eating anymore. I'm not fasting completely, but i'm going back to my one meal a day, around 600 calories maximum thing.
I will lose this weight. I will be skinny. I will love what i see in the mirror. I will be hot. It will happen.
Monday, January 10, 2011
someone PLEASE stop my eating. Seriously, I'm going to hire someone to follow me around 24/7, and rip any piece of food out of my hand that I could possibly want to eat. After the cruise, I haven't been able to stop eating. I eat SO much. I swear, it's like i'm on my period constantly. I just have this insatiable hunger, and i CRAVE chocolate especially. Weird.
The scale is up to 134 again. ughhhhh. I just want to start losing again. I don't know how to get that self control back. I feel to comfortable. Everyone is telling me i look good, i have L who thinks i look amazing....i just don't have enough motivation. The number on the scale should be enough motivation, and you would think that I would be able to do this just for MYSELF, but no.
i don't have anything else to say. I really dont feel like boring you all with anymore updates on L or anything else. Thats not what this blog is about. It's going very well, let's just leave it at that, i'll let you all know when big events happen in my life, but i'm gonna try to start concentrating on just food again.
love.
The scale is up to 134 again. ughhhhh. I just want to start losing again. I don't know how to get that self control back. I feel to comfortable. Everyone is telling me i look good, i have L who thinks i look amazing....i just don't have enough motivation. The number on the scale should be enough motivation, and you would think that I would be able to do this just for MYSELF, but no.
i don't have anything else to say. I really dont feel like boring you all with anymore updates on L or anything else. Thats not what this blog is about. It's going very well, let's just leave it at that, i'll let you all know when big events happen in my life, but i'm gonna try to start concentrating on just food again.
love.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
hello again!
im bacckkkkkkk
again.
i dont remember what the last thing i posted was, or when, and i'm FAR too lazy to look back and see, so i'll just give you a general overview of my life right now.
christmas was great. family is great. L is great. he calls me every day now, and once, right before christmas, we had a super awesome conversation and he really opened up to me. he got some secrets, some insecurities, and some pretty strong emotions off his chest, and after that, everything just seemed to click. he said he wanted to see how things went between us...meaning he probably wants to date eventually. this is huge for him....he doesn't really do relationships. huge for me too. I swore off relationships right after i graduated, but somehow, he just happened to come along and change all of that.
I'm scared though. L makes me so happy. For so long now i thought that dating him was all i wanted. Somehow though, since we've been on cristmas break, my subconscious is trying to tell me otherwise. Out of nowhere, i've been having all sorts of these crazy dreams about L lately. They start off really great, i get to see him, i'm happy, we're laughing, but then all of the sudden, things change. L starts acting weird. He starts acting like Nick did. Then all the sudden, i'm not even with L anymore. It's supposed to be him, but it's actually nick. He's being a jerk, trying to force me to have sex with him, using me, everything nick used to do. I get upset because this isn't how it's supposed to be with L. He's the exact opposite of nick. I scream at him, push him away, tell him to leave, i can't take it. Then i wake up and realize that this is just a dream, and everything is alright. But then i sit there awake for a while thinking about whether i'm ready for a relationship or not. It scares the shit out of me. L has never reminded me of nick, but still....i've let my guard down so much around him, i jsut don't want to be hurt by a guy that badly again. This is some psychologist's fantasy or soemthing. i'm sure they could have a field day with these dreams.
I went on a cruise last week and it was alright. Got a super tan (a burn is more like it!)and it was fairly relaxing, but i just couldnt get into it. Yeah, i had lost 5 pounds before the cruise and met the goal weight i had set by this time, but i still felt fat. I was on my period the first two days, but then when that ended, the endless amounts of fattening food on the ship took over. I can't even begin to describe to you ladies how much i ate. 3 full, huge fucking meals every day. not healthy food either. i feel like a cow. I was really to get off that damn ship.
I got off the boat yesterday and i had a voicemail from L from new years eve. He said that he was sending me a kiss over the phone so that I could be his new years kiss, and he missed me a lot. It was really cute :) I called him later, and now he's driving an hour to come up to my house and see me/meet my family today. dfosindpgs i'm so excited to see him. Nervous, too, but mostly excited.
I'm embarrassed by how big i feel though. L will openly admit that he has some body issues, and he works out like CRAZY to stay in shape. he's got a really nice body/muscles, but he's still really tall and skinny. He's way skinnier than me, and it makes me feel self conscious. But he tells me all the time that he thinks i'm gorgeous, so thats a little better. still though, he's like living thinspo in my life.
so besides all that, not a whole lot is new in my life. I do wanna send a huuuugeee hello to all my new followers though! you all are awesome. I never thought that this many people would find my boring life so interesting. Thanks ladies! And to all the people I follow, a big apology concerning my laziness lately. I haven't posted on anyone's blogs in forever. Even when i want to, even when i feel like i need to, i somehow just say "eh, i'll get around to it later" and then i forget. So sorry. I still love you all, and am absolutely reading every word you write, i'm just a lazy fuck.
Well, i don't know what else to ramble about. despite how huge i feel, and all the food i managed to eat on the cruise, the scale still somehow reads 132 (which really means 136....) so i guess it's not all bad. definitely want to get back down to the scale reading in the 120's though. The parents go back to work tomorrow and my sister leaves for school today, so now i essentially have another 3 weeks home alone to starve myself, so i'm looking forward to that.
hope all is going well in your lives. kisses all around.
again.
i dont remember what the last thing i posted was, or when, and i'm FAR too lazy to look back and see, so i'll just give you a general overview of my life right now.
christmas was great. family is great. L is great. he calls me every day now, and once, right before christmas, we had a super awesome conversation and he really opened up to me. he got some secrets, some insecurities, and some pretty strong emotions off his chest, and after that, everything just seemed to click. he said he wanted to see how things went between us...meaning he probably wants to date eventually. this is huge for him....he doesn't really do relationships. huge for me too. I swore off relationships right after i graduated, but somehow, he just happened to come along and change all of that.
I'm scared though. L makes me so happy. For so long now i thought that dating him was all i wanted. Somehow though, since we've been on cristmas break, my subconscious is trying to tell me otherwise. Out of nowhere, i've been having all sorts of these crazy dreams about L lately. They start off really great, i get to see him, i'm happy, we're laughing, but then all of the sudden, things change. L starts acting weird. He starts acting like Nick did. Then all the sudden, i'm not even with L anymore. It's supposed to be him, but it's actually nick. He's being a jerk, trying to force me to have sex with him, using me, everything nick used to do. I get upset because this isn't how it's supposed to be with L. He's the exact opposite of nick. I scream at him, push him away, tell him to leave, i can't take it. Then i wake up and realize that this is just a dream, and everything is alright. But then i sit there awake for a while thinking about whether i'm ready for a relationship or not. It scares the shit out of me. L has never reminded me of nick, but still....i've let my guard down so much around him, i jsut don't want to be hurt by a guy that badly again. This is some psychologist's fantasy or soemthing. i'm sure they could have a field day with these dreams.
I went on a cruise last week and it was alright. Got a super tan (a burn is more like it!)and it was fairly relaxing, but i just couldnt get into it. Yeah, i had lost 5 pounds before the cruise and met the goal weight i had set by this time, but i still felt fat. I was on my period the first two days, but then when that ended, the endless amounts of fattening food on the ship took over. I can't even begin to describe to you ladies how much i ate. 3 full, huge fucking meals every day. not healthy food either. i feel like a cow. I was really to get off that damn ship.
I got off the boat yesterday and i had a voicemail from L from new years eve. He said that he was sending me a kiss over the phone so that I could be his new years kiss, and he missed me a lot. It was really cute :) I called him later, and now he's driving an hour to come up to my house and see me/meet my family today. dfosindpgs i'm so excited to see him. Nervous, too, but mostly excited.
I'm embarrassed by how big i feel though. L will openly admit that he has some body issues, and he works out like CRAZY to stay in shape. he's got a really nice body/muscles, but he's still really tall and skinny. He's way skinnier than me, and it makes me feel self conscious. But he tells me all the time that he thinks i'm gorgeous, so thats a little better. still though, he's like living thinspo in my life.
so besides all that, not a whole lot is new in my life. I do wanna send a huuuugeee hello to all my new followers though! you all are awesome. I never thought that this many people would find my boring life so interesting. Thanks ladies! And to all the people I follow, a big apology concerning my laziness lately. I haven't posted on anyone's blogs in forever. Even when i want to, even when i feel like i need to, i somehow just say "eh, i'll get around to it later" and then i forget. So sorry. I still love you all, and am absolutely reading every word you write, i'm just a lazy fuck.
Well, i don't know what else to ramble about. despite how huge i feel, and all the food i managed to eat on the cruise, the scale still somehow reads 132 (which really means 136....) so i guess it's not all bad. definitely want to get back down to the scale reading in the 120's though. The parents go back to work tomorrow and my sister leaves for school today, so now i essentially have another 3 weeks home alone to starve myself, so i'm looking forward to that.
hope all is going well in your lives. kisses all around.
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