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Monday, September 10, 2012

Wtf is wrong with me?

Well, i've lost all control. Every. Single. Ounce.

Just looked at my last post, and I was 126.4? Fuck you, former self. I'm now back up to around 135. I feel fat and huge and disgusting and like a whale. Of course, I am on my period, so i'm super bloated, but even when I'm not on my period, it's still obvious that I've gained quite a bit back. All that work for nothing. That's what makes me so mad about this.

I have no excuse either. I have exercised ZERO, and I am eating like a cow. I mean, today I've eaten:

A bowl of special K cereal with skim milk
Chick-fil-a Bacon egg and cheese biscuit
about 4 ketchup packets (you may be laughing, but that's like 60 calories, at least!)
a handful of almonds and craisins
a fun sized package of M&Ms
A blowpop
a glass of juice

Oh, btw, have I mentioned that it's only 4:30, and still haven't eaten dinner?? I mean really, I know I'm having the menstrual cravings, but that is just disgusting.

I want a tattoo so bad. Well, a couple of them actually. I want them on my ribs, but every time I look in the mirror, I see rolls of fat staring back at me. No way I can get one when I look like this.

I'm asking my friend to burn me the copy of insanity that he has. I'm going to hate every single fucking second of it, but I dont care. I'm gonna do it. It's the fastest way to lose weight by exercise that I know of, and I'm gonna do it. I want to see a huge difference in just two months time.

I'm gonna start starving again too. No, not actually starving. But I'm gonna stay around 1,000 cals per day. Water only to drink. No excuses.

Monday, January 16, 2012


Hovering around 126.4 currently, according to our new scale. I'm very excited about that, but i'm getting pretty anxious to get back to school to check its accuracy against the scale in our gym. I expected to feel a lot better about how I looked by the time I got to this point, but when I look in the mirror, I still feel like I have a ways to go. Don;t get me wrong, i don't look bad anymore, and I've been getting compliments left and right about how good and how skinny I look, but I wish I was a little skinnier and a lot more toned. I'm just kind of soft right now, and my legs still look pretty big to me. I'm hoping that i'll actually be able to find time every now and then this semester to work out, but i don't look for it. This will definitely be the hardest semester I have ever had.

I'm also trying really hard to stay happy lately. Let me tell you what's been going on. Last time i posted, I wrote about going to lunch with L, right? Well let me tell you how that turned out. It was awkward. I tried my hardest to be normal and make conversation, but the whole time, I could jsut tell that he didn't want to be there. I let it go and didn't say anything about it, hoping that things would get better. Every few days after that, I would text him and ask him if he had time for lunch or dinner at all, and he would always say no, that he was busy. He stopped giving me excuses or trying to reschedule at all, he would jsut say he had plans and leave it at that. After about 3 weeks of that, I went to our school food court one night to get some food and as I was waiting in line to check out, he got in line behind me. He obviously saw me, but didnt say a word to me. Instead, he started talking to another friend of his that was behind us, and when she asked him what he had done that weekend, he said "oh, I visited the land of a thousand jello shots!" I was instantly angry, because I was sick of being lied to. I knew he was busy, but if he had time to visit the land of a thousand jello shots, why did he not have time for a half hour meal with me in the last 3 weeks? I bought my food and stormed out of the food court without saying anything to him.

The next day, I got to thinking about everything. I decided that I didn't liek the way things were at all, and it was time to do something about it. I knew L had asked for his distance so that we could move on, but he had also said that we could still be friends and eat together occasionally. I realized how angry I had been at him for the past few weeks, and I hated that. I knew if I stayed angry at him much longer, I would end up hating him, and I would hate that about myself. I texted him, asking if we could get together and talk soon, and the next day, I finally got a text back the next day (friday) saying that he was busy that day, but we agreed to meet the next day.

That night, I went out to a party with my friends. I got drunk, of course. at about 1:30 that night, I covinced my friend to let me sleep in his bed that night, since i wasn't driving home, obviously. As i was laying in his bed while he took a shower, I called L. Of course, this is the one and only part of the night that I don;t exactly remember. I remember that it went to his voicemail after about 3 rings, meaning that he had ignored my call, and I left him a message. I think I told him that I really needed to talk to him tomorrow, but I'm not at all sure what I said. I ended up getting a ride home from a friend shortly after that, and the next morning when I woke up, I texted L telling him that I was sorry for calling him, and that if he didn't want to meet and talk taht day, I understood. Apparently he didn't want to meet, because he never texted me back. For the next few weeks, i left him alone completely and didn't try to talk to him. I really gave him his space that he wanted. I knew things weren't good between us, but I didn't actually know quite how bad they actually were. I wanted to talk to him about everything, just to see where we stood, so I texxted him (this was about 2-3 weeks after calling him) and asked him if we could meet that week (which was finals week) just so I could say goodbye, because he was flying to Ecuador to study abroad for a semester in a few weeks. He never texted me, but I figured he was busy studying for finals.

I had bought a nice pair of rayban sunglasses that he had really wanted for him at the beginning of the year that I had planned to give him for his birthday. His birthday was in two days. I still had the glasses in my room, as well as a pair of his clothes that I knew he would want back before he left, so I did the only thing I could think of. I wrote him a note, explaining that I had bought the glasses for him months ago, that I hoped that he had a very happy birthday, and at the end, I simply wrote "i miss you." and that was it. I had the code to unlock his car, so i went out one day, left the glasses, his clothes, and the note in his front seat and left. Two days later, on his birthday, I woke up, and posted a message on his facebook wall that simply said "Happy brithday, L!" from my phone. My phone had been acting up, so a few hours later, I went back to his page to maek sure it posted. I didn't see it, and figured my phone had messed up, so I posted the same message again. I checked later from my computer, and found that he had defriended me. I started crying, so hurt, and tried to call him. Of course, he didn't answer, but I left a tearful voicemail asking if he would just call and talk to me about whatever had happened.

Then I went a little crazy. I was so hurt, and angry, that i sent him a very angry text message, telling him that I couldn't believe that he could do this to me with no explanation, that if he thought I wasn't over him, he was wrong, i hoped he had a happy fucking birthday, and so on. The next day, I was sitting in my room studying, when my friend walked in. I told him what had happened with L, and he was apalled that he would actually defriend me, but then told me that he had just talked to L, and that L had a new girlfriend. I was hurt even more. I could tell byt the way I felt that I really had moved on from L and that I didn;t want to date him again, but I just felt like it was a slap in the face that just a few months earlier, he had told me that he loved me, and that he really wanted to be with me more than anything, but that he needed time for himself and that he didn;t want to have a girlfriend while he was in Ecuador. Apparently that all wasn't true. I had finally calmed down, and knowing that he wouldn't answer any call from me, I texted him yet again, telling him that I was sorry about the day before, but that I was just so hurt, and that I knew he had a new girlfriend, and if that had anything to do with why he wasn;t talking to me, that he didn;t need to worry because I was very happy for him and hoped that everything would work out between them. He, of course, never texted me back.

Three days later, I was at home for Christmas break, when I got a text from L that just said "the glasses are in your mailbox." I wrote back saying "Ok...could you jsut give me two sentences to tell me why you hate me then I promise to leave you alone for forever?" He never wrote back.

I cried a lot for the next few days, wondering how the person who had promised to always be my best friend could just stop talking to me. And not jsut stop talking to me, but literally come to hate me without explaining why. I knew I had drunk dialed him a few times throughout the semester, and I knew that I had wanted to be more than just friends for a while, but toward the end, I really had stopped flirting at all, and only slipped up once while I was drunk. He still hasn't spoken a single word to me since, and is now in Ecuador. It hurts so much. My best friend is gone. I don't miss L my boyfriend, I miss the L that I could call or text at anytime, and tell him everything that was going on with me. I miss being able to laugh at the smallest, stupidest things with him. I miss being able to see him walking on campus and actually being able to say hello instead of having to awkwardly ignore him. I'm trying hard to stay strong, and to just leave it in God's hands and hope that one day we can have our friendship again, but it's so hard. So hard.

Ok, that's my long, depressing story. I'm going back to school this weekend, so hopefully all the work will get my mind off of it all. And, at least he is another continent away and I wont have to worry about seeing him on campus this semester. Hopefully, after a few months, we'll at least be able to move past this enough to at least be on speaking terms. Hopefully. I'll continue to pray, and hope that you all will keep me in my prayers as well. I never had a best friend like he was to me.

Monday, January 2, 2012



Today my mom bought a new scale, and as far we can tell, it is pretty accurate. Anyway, after not weighing myself for months, I stepped on and got 129.6! That's the first time I have officially been in the 120's since high school. I am so excited! Plus, I tried on a dress that I bought two years ago that was superrr tight on me, and it's almost falling off now! What a great day! Hopefully I'll post pictures later. For now though, I'm off to celebrate :)

Sunday, November 6, 2011

je n'ai pas les temps

well well well. it's happened again. i've returned to the person that i was 2 years ago. my life is exactly the same as it was then....only much less fun.

what has happened? Well let me tell you.

I'm drunk. Not right now, but I have been quite a bit lately. Went to a party last night, and the make-out slut made her big return after a loooooooooooong vacation. Woke up with a ginormous hickey. yippee. wanna know what the best part about this is?

L and I are going to lunch today. two weeks ago, drunk me got flirtacious with him, and all the sudden, he stopped talking to me. I texted him three days later asking what was going on, and he said he just needed time away from me, and that we should both be moving on. Well fuck you, move on i did. moved on right into the arms of a nobody, with a great body, and woke up with this little "souvenir" from the night. Honestly, I hope he sees it today. Im going to try to cover it, but maybe if he sees it, he'll realize that im done sitting around wasting all my time waiting for him. He'll realize that he's not exactly a prize, and if he doesnt want me, well, there are plenty of other people out there that do.

Last night though, it was different. I didnt enjoy it. Dont get me wrong, the party itself was AWESOME....but kissing this didnt do anything for me. Not a single thing. He was incredibly attractive, the kiss had all the makings of a super hot kiss, but really, throughout the whole thing, i was really thinking... "well, i'm bored with this." There was no adventure or excitement in it anymore. Now I only want to kiss people i have a legitimate connection with.....which is good i guess, but why cant I let myself enjoy some fun in the meantime?

Onto weight....
I havent been eating all that great, but i've gotten into a workout kick, and ive been spending an hour at the gym every day, and actually enjoying it (which is monumental for me, who despises working out.) The scale said 136.6 on tuesday I believe...which is up a bit from this summer, but i really am pretty content with how my body looks. I want to get toned now, and have some ripped muscles, but i dont necessarily need to get skinnier.

i was facebook creeping some people the other day, and i came across this girl i went to highschool with. Back then, she probably weighed close to 200 lbs. Now, she probably weighs 110....if that. wtf, how did she do this???? i wish i had been closer to her so i could ask. seriously though, its insane. Welp, guess i found some new thinspo!

Ok guys, so, sorry for the randomness and the kind of chaos that i wrote this post with...i just tried to compact quite a bit of info into as short of a post as i could. better writing next time, promise. :)

Friday, September 23, 2011

my life is a joke

ok so school is killing me. I've started nursing, and all i do is study. 24/7 i study. i wake up and study before class, i go to class and talk about what ive studied, i come home from class and i study until 11:30, then i go to bed and do it again the next day. the past two weekends, i've stayed in and studied. gahhhhh i better be a freaking genius in 2 years!

I do love it though. it's so interesting and i love all the girls in my class, so i can't complain too much. it's just so incredibly time consuming.

In lab last week, we had to take vital signs on each other, and had to take each other's weight. I cant remember which, but the scale said either 132 or 134. I think it was 132 honestly. Either way, it's an increase and i dont like it. time to do something about it before it gets out of control.

L is reading a new book on nutrition...considering that is, after all, his favorite thing in the world. He said it talks about how bad animal protein actually is for you, and how we should be getting 95% of our protein from beans/nuts/legumes instead. Idk how much to believe it, but i figured i would somewhat go with it for a week or so just to see if it made any difference, so as of last tuesday, i'm on a vegetarian diet. This is by no means a permanent thing, and i definitely didnt give up dairy products or deserts, so take all of this with a grain of salt. Basically all i've done is substitute beans in for meat. Havent noticed any difference so far and really didnt expect to, so hey, whatever.

On my ungodly bloated right now. gahhh its sickening. i feel like a tick about to pop....cant wait for this to be over.

on to other things...L and i are hanging out every single day again and our friendship couldnt be better. I use the word friendship lightly, because if i'm being honest, i should really just say "our unofficial relationship." we've been trying the friends only thing...and it works pretty well 99% of the just doesnt work when we both get shitty drunk and end up making out every time. Which also leads to me spending the night in his room.....cuddling. even sober, weve cuddled and slept together. one day two weeks ago? he stayed in my room (CJ was at her boyfriend's house) and we stayed up and talked until 4 am.

OH. AND HE DROPPED THE L WORD. thats right. not talking about his name...i'm talking about "love." we were drunk when it happened...but it wasnt just drunken rambling. we were in some very deep conversation, and what he said was absolutely honest and true. Plus, a few days before, we had (soberly) talked about the concept of love and he basically did everything but say those three little words outright. it meant so much to me, and i'm pretty sure i ended up crying, but i havent brought it up to him since. using that word is a HUGE deal for him and he's never said it to anyone else before, and claims that he only wants to say it to one girl for his whole i'm not gonna take that lightly.

anyway, i feel like im playing with fire here. once again, i know i shouldnt be with him, but i do genuinely LOVE him, and i cant stop. nothing can stop it...not back problems or herpes or anything else. We've had that talk too....and although some hook ups have been hot and heavy, we've been EXTREMELY careful. i mean, trust me, theres 0% that i could have gotten anything. still, i know i need to stop, just to be safe.

ok well, i guess thats all for now. forgive my lack of posting...its hard to find time around all the studying lol love you beauties

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Full circle

well ladies, we've come full circle.

As you can tell, i fully partook in margarita night at my favorite frat house and ended up quite a mess. Don't get me wrong, it was an extremely good night, but not the best of decisions was made.

I've been back at school now for a week. I've got my room all set up with CJ, i've gone through orientation, i've already had to study....things are back to normal. Then L moved in. I knew he was moving in that day, but all day i never heard from him. Around 7 that night I went to get some food, and I ran into him, then we ate together. Everything was ok...we caught up a little, we laughed, it was great. But I was still a little hurt that he hadnt tried to meet up with me at all, especially after I found out that he had called CJ first and wanted to say hello to her when he had said nothing to me.

Anyway, CJ, L and I all hung out afterwards, and decided to go to a big party. We all got completely hammered, and that's when it happened. Stupid me asked L to kiss me. He asked if that was a good idea, and if we shouldnt wait until we were sober, but it ended up happening anyway. Thats when i started crying. I cried and cried and cried and told him how much i loved him and missed him and how much i was still hurting. He held me and told me that he was so sorry and that he understood completely and it hurt him so much to see me upset.

After much talking and crying, all i wanted was to go back to my dorm and go to sleep. (mind you, this was around 2:30 in the morning) I tried to leave, but L refused to let me walk home by myself. I was hurt and upset and mad and told him that I didnt want to walk with him and that he should leave me alone. I marched back to campus while L followed several steps behind me the entire way, refusing to leave until he knew that i was safe. Right before I got back to my room, we started talking again. I confessed everything to him. EVERYTHING. everything i felt for him, everything he had ever done to hurt me, how much i wished things were different, how much i wished, despite him having herpes, that we could be back together, and all my insecurities that i would still have even if we did someday get back together.

Well, it was a good talk, but we decided that we should stop and talk about this some other time when we were sober. The next day, I'm in my room studying, when a friend of mine comes in and tells me a big elaborate story, which includes the fact that L was supposedly "talking" to someone else. I confronted him about it, and he told me that yes, they had kissed a few times, but that they were only little pecks because he didnt like her and that she was the one to always kiss him. I told him again how hurt i was, how much i wished things could go back to how they were between us, and how i hated how easily he had moved on. When i said that, he stopped in his tracks, looked at me and said, "do you seriously think that I dont wish it was your name instead of hers every time it pops up on my phone?! You think this was easy for me? It's not easy at all. I was just trying to give you a way out because i thought thats what you wanted."

Well, that was news to me. We talked for a long time again, and basically came to the conclusion that the feelings between us will always be there, but it's just not the right time for a relationship. He decided to tell the other girl that he had no feelings for her and no intentions of dating her, and that he was sorry if he led her on. As for us, we decided to "take things slow." VERY slow. Basically, we're just friends right now, and that's how it will stay for quite a while. The only difference is that we both want to still have hope to possibly have a relationship again in the future. We agreed that during this time of taking things slow, we would not do random hook-ups with other people, and that we would concentrate on trying to repair things between the two of us instead, but if during this time either one of us met someone really special, whom we saw a legitimate serious relationship with, we would be honest, and we were free to pursue that instead of each other.

I know this all sounds very strange, and maybe stupid, but it really is the best option for us. It's hard to be just friends when you have such strong feelings for one another...but it's hard to stay away from each other when the other person is also your best friend in life. This way, we're free to like each other without feeling guilty, we both have hope for the relationship that we should have had in teh first place, but we're not entirely tied down to each other either. And ever since that talk, things have been so great between us. We can hang out and talk and text and everything without feeling awkward or like we're crossing any lines. Everything is just easy again.

He also gave me a cake for my birthday. Complete with 20 trick candles. Haha, it was so cute.

So anyway, that's all about the boy for now I guess. And probably all that there will be about him for quite a while. As for the other aspects of my life, school is great...I study every free second of the day, but because it actually pertains to my career now and what I want to spend the rest of my life doing, it's very interesting and I dont mind studying in the least.

I've been doing fairly well eating wise. I usually eat a banana for breakfast, have a turkey wrap and some veggies for lunch, and i'm usually too full to eat dinner. I think i'm dropping weight still, and i've had a lot of people compliment me lately on how good i look, including L :)

In two weeks, CJ, L, several other friends and I are trying to head down to the lake for a giant annual lake party we have here. Think "mardi gras on water." it's awesome. Anyway, I have to look real hot by then, so I have to keep my eating in check!

Well, thanks for reading my novel...thats about all I have for now! I'll try to keep posting as often as I can, but it's getting hard to find time around all the bare with me. Love you ladies!

Drunky drunk drunk.

That's wqht I am. I'm back at school abs tonight I told L that o still love Him. There were a Lot of tears. I don't know what to do. I'm so stupid, but we kissed anyway. What was I thinking?! The rest of the story tomorrow night. Lowverly ladies.