well....

I just don't know what to say about my life at this point. It's just mass chaos. Everything was prefect, and then everything came crashing down again.

Here's whats been going on:
1) I'm not going to France anymore. Bummer.
2) L and I broke up, as if that wasn't completely obvious from the last two depressing posts.
3) I've lost weight. WOOHOO!! but i think i've hit a plateau.
4) I have no job for this summer, and i'm quickly blowing through my money.
5) I'm back to crying a lot now. I'll tell you all about that later.


Ok, so, weight. Well, as I said from my last post or two, when L and I broke up, I sort of spiraled into a depression for a week or so, and didn't really eat. At all. Well, as horrible as that is for me, I did manage to knock off about 5 lbs or so, and that really got the ball rolling and gave me something else to think about besides L. Eventually though, I decided that I wasn't going to starve myself. I was going to lose weight, and do it in the healthiest way possible, and that's exactly what i've been doing for the last month or so. I never let myself go hungry anymore. I don't starve and I don't obsess over every calorie I put into my mouth and I dont exercise for hours to get into negative calories for the day. I eat what I want, when I want, but I watch my portions, and I try to focus on healthy choices. I will say, I dont exercise at all, but eh, i;ve always hated that anyway. I'm much happier this way. I've been losing weight too, slowly but surely. I'm now down to about 135 as best I can figure, and it's still continuing to drop. I just got back from a week of vacation, so it was a littler harder to concentrate on healthy choices there. I still have a ways to go, and I want to be in the 120's so desperately, but i'm confident that I'll be there by the end of this summer, as long as I can stay focused...which has become second nature lately, not really a chore anymore.


The other big story. I need your support ladies. Yeah, you guessed it, of course this is going to be about the boy.

Well it only took about 4 days after L and I officially broke up that he called me at home. We talked for hours, just like nothing had ever happened, and our friendship returned to normal. After that, we've been talking every single day, sometimes even multiple times a day. Weve hung out twice, and things just felt so good. We never mentioned getting back together, which was ok, I was trying to just convince myself that friendship was the only thing we needed at this point, and I was slowly starting to move on.

L called one night, and during one of our 4 hour conversations, he mentioned that he thought maybe he had made a mistake breaking up with me, and might want to get back together at some point. He said he felt horrible for what he did, and that to this day he still doesn't know why he ended things...he only knew how much he regretted it.

We agreed to take things slowly and see where they went, but that only lasted for a few days. Pretty soon we were texting constantly, and our texts were all about dating again. He told me that he thinks he loves me. He told me that I hadn't left his mind for one second, and that he felt so lucky to have me in his life. He called me beautiful, and angel, and basically said that as soon as I got back from vacation, he was going to ask me to be his girlfriend again. Everything was prefect, we were both so happy and I couldn't wait to kiss him again and have everything return to the way it should be. It was the happiest i've been in so long.

Then it happened. Our first fight EVER, in the history of knowing each other for almost a year.

(Now ladies, I hesitate to even tell you all of this story, because you all don't know L personally, and are going to judge him very harshly for this next information, which I don't want you to do. He really is a great guy, and he simply made a mistake, so try to keep an open mind, please?)

Anyway, On my second night of vacation, after about 5 straight days of gooshy, sweet texting, L asked me to call him because he had to tell me something. I got away by myself for a few minutes, and when I called him and asked what was going on, he said "well, i just need to tell you something. Before you decide to date me again, you need to know something.....a couple of weeks ago, I was at a party, and I hooked up with a girl...and I think she may have given me herpes."

Que complete silence from me save the one question "you're joking, right?"

Well he wasnt. Turns out, he hooked up with this girl not once, but twice. They didn't have sex, but he went down on her and she on him twice. Now, I know that L and I weren;t together, and at the time that this happened, we werent even talking about being back together, so it's not like he cheated on me. But still, I felt lied to. I felt that all of the things he had been saying to me for the past several days, especailly how I had never left his mind, he had wanted me back since the day he broke up with me, etc. meant nothing. I didn't know how to react. I mean, not only did I feel lied to and like all my excitement that I had built up for the past several days was over, but if it were true, and he really did have herpes, of course that would be the end of our relationship forever.

I basically hung up on him at that point. After a few minutes of thinking about it and getting more and more angry, I sent him a very nasty text or two. I called him back when he didnt respond, and he was literally besdie himself, crying. His parents were there, and knew everything, trying to comfort him. I thought he was crying because he was scared, but apparently he was crying because he didn't want to lose me. I hung up and sent another fairly mean text later that night.

Two days later, more angry texting on my part. Finally, after several days of thinking about it, I calmed down a little. L doesn't have herpes, and is being tested for every other STD, but right now it looks like he just overreacted and is completely fine. Well, when I came home from vacation, I apologized to him for everything I had said, and asked him to forgive me and to know that I only said the things I did because I was very hurt. I told him that as long as he was STD free, I would still like to talk to him about eventually getting back together, as long as we could take things slowly.

Turns out though that about a week and a half prior to this incident, L's parents had gotten so concerned about his weight (which is very low) and about his unhappiness (which I didn't see) that they convinced him to start talking to a therapist. L said he forgave me for everything I said and was very sorry for everything he did as well, but he felt like he needed to concentrate on himself for a while and get his life back in order before he started thinking about anyone else. As much as I understand where he's coming from and completely agree, I'm also really upset and feel like I've lost him all over again.

And oh yeah, I forgot to mention, after his complete breakdown the other night and the series of very nasty texts I sent to push him over the edge, his parents now hate me. Great.

I don't know how to feel about all this. He was an idiot, and I'm still so hurt to know that he never really did miss me as much as I miss him. We didn't talk at all yesterday, which is so unusual for us. As much as I'll take our friendship, and even though he said maybe one day we can still talk about dating again, I don't know if I can ever be just friends with him. I either need to be with him and be able to love him, or I need to get over him. Unfortunately, I can't do either at this point. I feel like maybe I shouldn't trust him, even though I know he just made a drunken mistake and was just trying to find himself again...

I dont know. All I know is that I'm beginning to think that boys just aren't worth it...