Ah shit. I've returned.
I was stupid to think I could ever just walk away from this blog and therefore my issues. Clearly this is bigger than that.
Well, I've been gone quite a while, haven't I? I suppose you all are just aching for an update on my life.
Maybe not, but you're going to get one anyway.
Well....hmmmm, where to start? The boy? The weight? The school? Eh....this IS a weight blog after all, I might as well start there.
You know how I was sick with those stupid throat problems last semester and I had to have my tonsils removed and everything? Well....I don't wish that upon me again, it was fucking miserable, but I do wish I could starve the way I was starving then. I couldn't eat AT ALL during that time....I would drink one juicebox and it would last me 3 hours. Needless to say, I dropped weight like it was my job, without even trying. The best part was, I didn't even WANT to eat. I had no hunger. I starved and starved and starved and it was never an inconvenience in the slightest. I believe my blog says I dropped down to 135 or so? I can't really remember. Regardless, I was determined that I was going to keep that weight off. How hard could it be?
Apparently really freaking hard. Ever since then, it's like my body has been trying to make up for the months of food it didn't consume. If I told you how much I've been eating, you all would puke. It's that disgusting. Anyway, my weight is up to 145 again. FML. However, I have started to work out again. I'm determined to lose at least 6-8 pounds before school is out (in 3 weeks) and thats totally possible. I've been eating a little healthier, and in a few hours, this will make day 3 that I've gone to the gym and done cardio for at least an hour.
Boy. Of course, always the boy.
L and I are still together. Thank goodness, because I don't know what I would do without him in my life. We spend absolutely every free moment together, and it's just bliss. We haven;t said the big "L word" yet, and I'm really scared to do so...but I think I might actually..."______" him. I don't want to even type it right now. I know I typed it in my last post, but that was more of a joke...more of a "wow, i'm so lucky" kind of thing.
He's hurt though. Bad. He has a pinched nerve in his back that he's been dealing with basically for the past 3 months, and he's in excrutiating pain. He can hardly walk. I feel so bad for him. He's absolutely miserable, too, because he can't work out. He's been swimming every day, and 3 days a week with me, but now it's to the point where he can't even really do that. He's going back to the doctor today though. I'm crossing my fingers that he gets some decent news.
I want to work out for him. I want to look good for him. Every single day he looks at me and says "gosh, you're so pretty." Or he tells me i'm beautiful and he calls me sexy and he tells me that he loves my body. Well that's all good and dandy, but I know he isn't 100% telling the truth. This is not what he prefers. His past girlfriends had 6 packs and spent their lives exercising just as much as he does. He hates when I talk about not liking to exercise, or saying that I "can't" do something. That's about the only thing I can possibly say to make him mad, telling him that I "can't" run two miles, or that I "can't" lose weight on my own.
I bought a super sexy (and pretty super tiny) Victoria's Secret bikini for this summer. I know I'll be at the lake a lot with L and his friends, and I don't want to look disgusting and fat like I do now. That's my motivation. I put it on from time to time, and just stand in front of the mirror, envisioning what it will look like when I'm a lot skinnier.
I'm not going to Paris anymore. :(
Yeah, actually I'm not that upset about it. I mean it would have been an awesome opportunity, but it was uber scary. Plus, it would have cost me about $40,000 after I lost scholarships and paid for school and blah blah blah.
I did get into nursing school though. WOOHOOO!! In case I haven't told you, that's a super difficult and prestigious program to get into at my school. I'm pretty excited to start that in the fall.
Well, I know I have mroe to say, but it's taken me a while to write this and I really have to go work out before I pack my things and go home for Easter this weekend. Help me stay strong ladies. I know you all have stayed beautiful :) xo