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Sunday, January 2, 2011

hello again!

im bacckkkkkkk

i dont remember what the last thing i posted was, or when, and i'm FAR too lazy to look back and see, so i'll just give you a general overview of my life right now.

christmas was great. family is great. L is great. he calls me every day now, and once, right before christmas, we had a super awesome conversation and he really opened up to me. he got some secrets, some insecurities, and some pretty strong emotions off his chest, and after that, everything just seemed to click. he said he wanted to see how things went between us...meaning he probably wants to date eventually. this is huge for him....he doesn't really do relationships. huge for me too. I swore off relationships right after i graduated, but somehow, he just happened to come along and change all of that.

I'm scared though. L makes me so happy. For so long now i thought that dating him was all i wanted. Somehow though, since we've been on cristmas break, my subconscious is trying to tell me otherwise. Out of nowhere, i've been having all sorts of these crazy dreams about L lately. They start off really great, i get to see him, i'm happy, we're laughing, but then all of the sudden, things change. L starts acting weird. He starts acting like Nick did. Then all the sudden, i'm not even with L anymore. It's supposed to be him, but it's actually nick. He's being a jerk, trying to force me to have sex with him, using me, everything nick used to do. I get upset because this isn't how it's supposed to be with L. He's the exact opposite of nick. I scream at him, push him away, tell him to leave, i can't take it. Then i wake up and realize that this is just a dream, and everything is alright. But then i sit there awake for a while thinking about whether i'm ready for a relationship or not. It scares the shit out of me. L has never reminded me of nick, but still....i've let my guard down so much around him, i jsut don't want to be hurt by a guy that badly again. This is some psychologist's fantasy or soemthing. i'm sure they could have a field day with these dreams.

I went on a cruise last week and it was alright. Got a super tan (a burn is more like it!)and it was fairly relaxing, but i just couldnt get into it. Yeah, i had lost 5 pounds before the cruise and met the goal weight i had set by this time, but i still felt fat. I was on my period the first two days, but then when that ended, the endless amounts of fattening food on the ship took over. I can't even begin to describe to you ladies how much i ate. 3 full, huge fucking meals every day. not healthy food either. i feel like a cow. I was really to get off that damn ship.

I got off the boat yesterday and i had a voicemail from L from new years eve. He said that he was sending me a kiss over the phone so that I could be his new years kiss, and he missed me a lot. It was really cute :) I called him later, and now he's driving an hour to come up to my house and see me/meet my family today. dfosindpgs i'm so excited to see him. Nervous, too, but mostly excited.

I'm embarrassed by how big i feel though. L will openly admit that he has some body issues, and he works out like CRAZY to stay in shape. he's got a really nice body/muscles, but he's still really tall and skinny. He's way skinnier than me, and it makes me feel self conscious. But he tells me all the time that he thinks i'm gorgeous, so thats a little better. still though, he's like living thinspo in my life.

so besides all that, not a whole lot is new in my life. I do wanna send a huuuugeee hello to all my new followers though! you all are awesome. I never thought that this many people would find my boring life so interesting. Thanks ladies! And to all the people I follow, a big apology concerning my laziness lately. I haven't posted on anyone's blogs in forever. Even when i want to, even when i feel like i need to, i somehow just say "eh, i'll get around to it later" and then i forget. So sorry. I still love you all, and am absolutely reading every word you write, i'm just a lazy fuck.

Well, i don't know what else to ramble about. despite how huge i feel, and all the food i managed to eat on the cruise, the scale still somehow reads 132 (which really means 136....) so i guess it's not all bad. definitely want to get back down to the scale reading in the 120's though. The parents go back to work tomorrow and my sister leaves for school today, so now i essentially have another 3 weeks home alone to starve myself, so i'm looking forward to that.

hope all is going well in your lives. kisses all around.

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