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Monday, January 31, 2011

completely useless post.

I have absolutely nothing to say. Nothing has been going on in my life worth blogging about. Been on some dates with L, ate a lot of food, that's all that been going on.

But i feel like i'm failing you all for not blogging. You're following for a reason, i must keep up with the demand, no?

i'm going swimming tonight. I'm hoping to at least put in 1,000 yards, which would only take me like 20-30 minutes, but idk. I'm teaching L a new stroke tonight, so most of my time will be spent coaching him instead of getting my own workout in.

Also, question to all you ladies out there. Have you all ever started/switched birth controls and experienced uncontrollable cravings for food and an insatiable appetite? Maybe i'm making excuses and i've just lost all self control, but i swear that since i've started the pill again, i've had those cravings like when you're on your period. I just CANT STOP EATING. And i crave chocolate and carbs like crazy.

Anyway, just curious. Have a beautiful day ladies!

Wednesday, January 26, 2011 beautiful

well hello there :)

just stopping by to drop a line or two about what's going on with me. A lot has changed since we last spoke.

well thats a lie actually. Just one major thing has changed: L and I are official. Yup. he asked me to be his girlfriend on saturday and it was one fo the best nights of my life. We went out to a party later that night though and i got wasted, as always. he stayed with me that night though, and somehow even managed to ENJOY my ridiculous drunken antics. ever since then, he cant stop telling me how perfect/beautiful/wonderful i am and how happy/excited/lucky i make him feel. I love it. He almost does it TOO much though. Constantly smiling around me's nice, but i dont feel like i'm quite up to that level of affection yet?

Anyway, this new stauts in my life has actually had some effect on my eating.
1) L lives on campus like I do, so he wants to eat lunch and dinner with me basically every day. this is new to me, because i was usually just on the 1 meal a day thing. Now it's definitely two.
2) Him telling me i'm beautiful so much and never saying anything bad about me gives me absolutely no motivation to work towards losing weight. I still want to, but then i say to myself "ehh, why waste all the energy? He still thinks you look good."
3) probably the only good thing about this, L wants me to teach him how to swim better, so 3 nights a week i go to the pool and do some laps while i give him a workout. I still dont work very hard though.

I refuse to weigh myself right now, as much as i want to. I feel lost in this weight loss process, i'm so conflicted with myself all of the time. BUT, i'm happy. So happy, so that covers it up...for now at least.

Sunday, January 16, 2011


that basically sums up everything about my eating lately. gahh, i just can't stop! i have all this candy in my room that i bought when L and I went to the movies the other night, and i cant stop eating these damn jolly ranchers! and that damn chocolate cake, and oh yeah, those enormous meals i'm having everyday.

My family went out to celebrate a birthday today. Went to a restaurant, ate TWO huge buttery rolls before dinner even came...then some pulled pork, a baked potato loaded with fat, some broccoli (oh yippie) and another roll. fml.

I dont think i've gained any, thank the lord, but that will all catch up with me soon. I'm sure of it, it has to.

I'm actually excited to go back to school. I do so much better distracting myself and not eating there. I mean yeah, all the alcohol takes its toll, but i really havent been out that i have a gym at school, for those rare occasions when i actually feel the urge to work out.

i've set a goal: i want to weigh 128 by valentines day. I weigh about 136 now. SOOO, that mean i have just under a month to lose 8 pounds. COMPLETELY possible. it would actually be easy for a lot of you girls. If i actually do this, i will be so ecstatic. I havent weighed in the 120's since.....well, since about 3 years ago at least. i think i'll look pretty decent then, even though i'll probably want to keep going.

I can do this. help me stay strong ladies.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

My eating is absolutely OFC. out of FUCKING control. I keep trying to find reasons for it, and there are so many....

1)i've been cooking so much, there's always an excess of wonderful food around to tempt me

2) I've changed birth controls, and i swear it's messed with my hormones. I get cravings like when i'm on my period

3) I got so used to eating so little, and then not eating at all during my surgery, that my body is trying to make up for it

i seriously feel like i think of a new reason every day why i'm eating so much, but heres what it comes down to: i'm making excuses. I just want to eat. that's all there is to it. I don't care anymore.

wait, scratch that. I do care. A lot.

It's just that I only care once the food is already in me. My mom made this wonderful chocolate cake thats been in our kitchen for the past few days. The other day i ate THREE WHOLE PIECES!!! wtf?! who does that?! i know how many calories it contains. I know how fat it makes me, but when it's sitting there, staring me in the face with its gooey chocolate chip eyes, i just say "ehhh, fuck it." and i eat it. Then as soon as i'm finished, i sit there and think "ooohhhh shitttt......" and i freak out. I'm getting fat again. I'm gonna gain all the weight back. I look terrible, etc.

So here's what all of this boils down to: i'm done.

The only reason i'm eating all of this is because i think it's going to make me feel good. I think that I can just put this food into my mouth then forget about it once it's gone. I think that the taste will be worth the end result.

The problem is, that doesn't happen. I still freak out, i still feel worse AFTER eating it then i would have if i had just left it alone. It's not worth it. I'm done. I'm not eating anymore. I'm not fasting completely, but i'm going back to my one meal a day, around 600 calories maximum thing.

I will lose this weight. I will be skinny. I will love what i see in the mirror. I will be hot. It will happen.

Monday, January 10, 2011

someone PLEASE stop my eating. Seriously, I'm going to hire someone to follow me around 24/7, and rip any piece of food out of my hand that I could possibly want to eat. After the cruise, I haven't been able to stop eating. I eat SO much. I swear, it's like i'm on my period constantly. I just have this insatiable hunger, and i CRAVE chocolate especially. Weird.

The scale is up to 134 again. ughhhhh. I just want to start losing again. I don't know how to get that self control back. I feel to comfortable. Everyone is telling me i look good, i have L who thinks i look amazing....i just don't have enough motivation. The number on the scale should be enough motivation, and you would think that I would be able to do this just for MYSELF, but no.

i don't have anything else to say. I really dont feel like boring you all with anymore updates on L or anything else. Thats not what this blog is about. It's going very well, let's just leave it at that, i'll let you all know when big events happen in my life, but i'm gonna try to start concentrating on just food again.


Sunday, January 2, 2011

hello again!

im bacckkkkkkk

i dont remember what the last thing i posted was, or when, and i'm FAR too lazy to look back and see, so i'll just give you a general overview of my life right now.

christmas was great. family is great. L is great. he calls me every day now, and once, right before christmas, we had a super awesome conversation and he really opened up to me. he got some secrets, some insecurities, and some pretty strong emotions off his chest, and after that, everything just seemed to click. he said he wanted to see how things went between us...meaning he probably wants to date eventually. this is huge for him....he doesn't really do relationships. huge for me too. I swore off relationships right after i graduated, but somehow, he just happened to come along and change all of that.

I'm scared though. L makes me so happy. For so long now i thought that dating him was all i wanted. Somehow though, since we've been on cristmas break, my subconscious is trying to tell me otherwise. Out of nowhere, i've been having all sorts of these crazy dreams about L lately. They start off really great, i get to see him, i'm happy, we're laughing, but then all of the sudden, things change. L starts acting weird. He starts acting like Nick did. Then all the sudden, i'm not even with L anymore. It's supposed to be him, but it's actually nick. He's being a jerk, trying to force me to have sex with him, using me, everything nick used to do. I get upset because this isn't how it's supposed to be with L. He's the exact opposite of nick. I scream at him, push him away, tell him to leave, i can't take it. Then i wake up and realize that this is just a dream, and everything is alright. But then i sit there awake for a while thinking about whether i'm ready for a relationship or not. It scares the shit out of me. L has never reminded me of nick, but still....i've let my guard down so much around him, i jsut don't want to be hurt by a guy that badly again. This is some psychologist's fantasy or soemthing. i'm sure they could have a field day with these dreams.

I went on a cruise last week and it was alright. Got a super tan (a burn is more like it!)and it was fairly relaxing, but i just couldnt get into it. Yeah, i had lost 5 pounds before the cruise and met the goal weight i had set by this time, but i still felt fat. I was on my period the first two days, but then when that ended, the endless amounts of fattening food on the ship took over. I can't even begin to describe to you ladies how much i ate. 3 full, huge fucking meals every day. not healthy food either. i feel like a cow. I was really to get off that damn ship.

I got off the boat yesterday and i had a voicemail from L from new years eve. He said that he was sending me a kiss over the phone so that I could be his new years kiss, and he missed me a lot. It was really cute :) I called him later, and now he's driving an hour to come up to my house and see me/meet my family today. dfosindpgs i'm so excited to see him. Nervous, too, but mostly excited.

I'm embarrassed by how big i feel though. L will openly admit that he has some body issues, and he works out like CRAZY to stay in shape. he's got a really nice body/muscles, but he's still really tall and skinny. He's way skinnier than me, and it makes me feel self conscious. But he tells me all the time that he thinks i'm gorgeous, so thats a little better. still though, he's like living thinspo in my life.

so besides all that, not a whole lot is new in my life. I do wanna send a huuuugeee hello to all my new followers though! you all are awesome. I never thought that this many people would find my boring life so interesting. Thanks ladies! And to all the people I follow, a big apology concerning my laziness lately. I haven't posted on anyone's blogs in forever. Even when i want to, even when i feel like i need to, i somehow just say "eh, i'll get around to it later" and then i forget. So sorry. I still love you all, and am absolutely reading every word you write, i'm just a lazy fuck.

Well, i don't know what else to ramble about. despite how huge i feel, and all the food i managed to eat on the cruise, the scale still somehow reads 132 (which really means 136....) so i guess it's not all bad. definitely want to get back down to the scale reading in the 120's though. The parents go back to work tomorrow and my sister leaves for school today, so now i essentially have another 3 weeks home alone to starve myself, so i'm looking forward to that.

hope all is going well in your lives. kisses all around.