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Friday, May 13, 2011

He left. For good.

The reason changed from "I'm not happy and I don't want to burden anyone with my unhappiness" to "I just lost those feelings for you. I just see you as a friend" to "I wasn't ready to have a serious girlfriend. We spent every moment together. It wasn't just me anymore, it was me and you. I was scared of that seriousness."

I dont know the real reason. All I know is that I feel like half of me has physically been ripped away from my body, leaving me bleeding, suffering, and emotionally dead.

I've cried every day for the last week. My eyes are red and swollen every morning when I wake up. I dream about him everynight, and in my dreams everything is good again, adn I'm happy. Then I wake up and realize that it isn't true, and I cry some more.

I miss him. I miss him so much. I want him back and it's almost harder basically knowing that the reason he broke up with me is because his feelings for me were too strong (Despite the other reasons he gave, the fact that he was scared of falling for me made the most sense and seemed to be the most truthful....i'm not just saying that because i'm bitter.)

I have this hope still, and I don't know if I want it to be there or not. There is nothing I would love more than the prospect of being with him again one day down the road. But he lives an hour away from me. I will hardly see him, if at all, this summer. If things work out well, we may talk every other week or so, i dont know. His feelings could easily change. He really could lose any interest in me, and I don;t want to hurt like this again.

I just miss him. I just want him to miss me too.

Sunday, May 8, 2011


He left. Or rather, I pushed him out. Kind of, I guess...
I don't even know anymore. He told me he wasn't happy in his life in general right now. He said he didn't know whether I was the reason behind that or not. He said I liked him more than he liked me.

I cried and cried and cried. I told him i'd give him his space until he figured things out. He could text me and call me and talk to me first.

We haven't talked in several days. There hasn't been a single day in the past 7 months when I haven't talked to him.

And so I'm waiting. Waiting once again until he decides he wants me as much as I want him. I've been here too many times before.

I've been useless. I go out and put on a happy face, but i'm empty inside. When I'm alone I just sleep. I haven't eaten since my one meal on friday.

I just want him back.