Created by MyFitnessPal - Nutrition Facts For Foods

Thursday, July 28, 2011


Yup, that's what I weighed at the doctor today. I was wearing all my clothes and my shoes too, mind you, my tank top, shorts, and flip-flops didn't add too much weight, I know, but maybe I at least weight like 135 flat? Either way I'll take it. I'm getting closer and closer everyday.

I cooked a huge unhealthy meal for my family last night and managed to control myself with the portions. Woohooo, small victories.

Welp, went and got my exam/STD test today. Should know the results next week. Keep your fingers crossed (although the doc did say everything looked normal and she highly doubted that anything was wrong) but regardless.....

Mother will be home in about 30 minutes and she wants to talk about my doctors appointment. I told her that I was going because I wanted to talk to the doc about why I'm not sleeping well, and just to get an exam anyway because I'm almost 20 and I feel that I need one (despite my doctor always saying I could wait until I was 21....) I know she's a little suspicious. Hopefully she won't decide to question me too much about it. We'll see I guess.

Results next week.

Monday, July 25, 2011

The scale has been hovering around 130 or the high 120s lately, so as ar as I can guess, I'm probably somewhere around 132-134. Super psyched about it too! As soon as I hit 132 for sure, that will officially mean that I've lost 20 lbs from my highest weight! And then I'll only be 12 lbs from my ultimate goal weight of 120! Ahhh it's getting so close now, it's motivating me every single day!

Well that's not completely true. I went to the lake this weekend and said good riddance to any diet. Huge southern breakfast every morning, dinner at night, snacks on the water....whatever. I'm on my period which is my excuse every month to just have one or two days where I can eat whatever I want without feeling guilty. Plus, this is my first time at the lake in over a year where I actually felt halfway comfortable in a bikini. Gahhh I can't EVEN tell you how good that feels. This time last year, I was wearing a tank top as much as possible on the lake so that I could somewhat hide my fat. This year, my mom told me how good I looked. Oh how far I've come. It took me quite a while, but now that I'm getting things under control, waiting a while and doing it the healthy way doesn't make it any less sweet.

I'm thinking of posting before/after pics soon. Hmmmmm, will I be able to work up the courage?

On a side note, going to get checked for STDs on Thursday. Wooo good times. Even if the chances of me having an STD are basically infinitesimal, still better safe than sorry right? Oh I just can't wait.....

Thursday, July 21, 2011

So, Ummmm.......yeahhhhhhh

I don't even know where to begin. I still can't fathom this whole situation, this is so fucked up.

Ummm.....ignore what I said two posts ago. Well, scratch that, don't ignore any of it.....oh, except for the part where I said that L doesn't have herpes.


Well, I guess that's that then. Nothing I can do about us now. At least I now have a reason for why he didn't talk to me for two weeks.

So what now? I guess he'll just be my best friend forever? Fuck. I love him. He will always be more than that to me.

You know what the most fucked up part of this whole situation is? I still truthfully want to be with him. I still want to say "if you can promise me forever....we can be very smart and careful about this and try to make it work." when did I become that person? When did I let myself get THAT wrapped up in a guy? This is some major bullshit.

Even though he's got a horrible back and could possibly be disabled down the road, even though he has an incurable STD, even though his parents still hate me, even though he can probably never have kids, even though he has a fear of love and we have completely different religious beliefs.......I still want him. I still see 30 times more good in him than bad.

The worst part is, I have no one to talk about this with except you all. I can't talk to any of my friends r family about how the person I love has an STD and I still want to be with him. I can't talk to L about how stupid he was.

God, 1 drunken night with some girl which he immediately regretted has turned both our lives upside down overnight.

Three weeks ago we talked about marriage.
Last night we talked about herpes.


Wednesday, July 20, 2011

And yet again, he's gone. No real explanation, just out of the blue. Drunk right now. Drove home when I shouldn't have just so I could cry alone in my bed. I feel so alone....I will never feel for anyone the way I felt for him.

Life sucks.


Monday, July 4, 2011


I just don't know what to say about my life at this point. It's just mass chaos. Everything was prefect, and then everything came crashing down again.

Here's whats been going on:
1) I'm not going to France anymore. Bummer.
2) L and I broke up, as if that wasn't completely obvious from the last two depressing posts.
3) I've lost weight. WOOHOO!! but i think i've hit a plateau.
4) I have no job for this summer, and i'm quickly blowing through my money.
5) I'm back to crying a lot now. I'll tell you all about that later.

Ok, so, weight. Well, as I said from my last post or two, when L and I broke up, I sort of spiraled into a depression for a week or so, and didn't really eat. At all. Well, as horrible as that is for me, I did manage to knock off about 5 lbs or so, and that really got the ball rolling and gave me something else to think about besides L. Eventually though, I decided that I wasn't going to starve myself. I was going to lose weight, and do it in the healthiest way possible, and that's exactly what i've been doing for the last month or so. I never let myself go hungry anymore. I don't starve and I don't obsess over every calorie I put into my mouth and I dont exercise for hours to get into negative calories for the day. I eat what I want, when I want, but I watch my portions, and I try to focus on healthy choices. I will say, I dont exercise at all, but eh, i;ve always hated that anyway. I'm much happier this way. I've been losing weight too, slowly but surely. I'm now down to about 135 as best I can figure, and it's still continuing to drop. I just got back from a week of vacation, so it was a littler harder to concentrate on healthy choices there. I still have a ways to go, and I want to be in the 120's so desperately, but i'm confident that I'll be there by the end of this summer, as long as I can stay focused...which has become second nature lately, not really a chore anymore.

The other big story. I need your support ladies. Yeah, you guessed it, of course this is going to be about the boy.

Well it only took about 4 days after L and I officially broke up that he called me at home. We talked for hours, just like nothing had ever happened, and our friendship returned to normal. After that, we've been talking every single day, sometimes even multiple times a day. Weve hung out twice, and things just felt so good. We never mentioned getting back together, which was ok, I was trying to just convince myself that friendship was the only thing we needed at this point, and I was slowly starting to move on.

L called one night, and during one of our 4 hour conversations, he mentioned that he thought maybe he had made a mistake breaking up with me, and might want to get back together at some point. He said he felt horrible for what he did, and that to this day he still doesn't know why he ended things...he only knew how much he regretted it.

We agreed to take things slowly and see where they went, but that only lasted for a few days. Pretty soon we were texting constantly, and our texts were all about dating again. He told me that he thinks he loves me. He told me that I hadn't left his mind for one second, and that he felt so lucky to have me in his life. He called me beautiful, and angel, and basically said that as soon as I got back from vacation, he was going to ask me to be his girlfriend again. Everything was prefect, we were both so happy and I couldn't wait to kiss him again and have everything return to the way it should be. It was the happiest i've been in so long.

Then it happened. Our first fight EVER, in the history of knowing each other for almost a year.

(Now ladies, I hesitate to even tell you all of this story, because you all don't know L personally, and are going to judge him very harshly for this next information, which I don't want you to do. He really is a great guy, and he simply made a mistake, so try to keep an open mind, please?)

Anyway, On my second night of vacation, after about 5 straight days of gooshy, sweet texting, L asked me to call him because he had to tell me something. I got away by myself for a few minutes, and when I called him and asked what was going on, he said "well, i just need to tell you something. Before you decide to date me again, you need to know something.....a couple of weeks ago, I was at a party, and I hooked up with a girl...and I think she may have given me herpes."

Que complete silence from me save the one question "you're joking, right?"

Well he wasnt. Turns out, he hooked up with this girl not once, but twice. They didn't have sex, but he went down on her and she on him twice. Now, I know that L and I weren;t together, and at the time that this happened, we werent even talking about being back together, so it's not like he cheated on me. But still, I felt lied to. I felt that all of the things he had been saying to me for the past several days, especailly how I had never left his mind, he had wanted me back since the day he broke up with me, etc. meant nothing. I didn't know how to react. I mean, not only did I feel lied to and like all my excitement that I had built up for the past several days was over, but if it were true, and he really did have herpes, of course that would be the end of our relationship forever.

I basically hung up on him at that point. After a few minutes of thinking about it and getting more and more angry, I sent him a very nasty text or two. I called him back when he didnt respond, and he was literally besdie himself, crying. His parents were there, and knew everything, trying to comfort him. I thought he was crying because he was scared, but apparently he was crying because he didn't want to lose me. I hung up and sent another fairly mean text later that night.

Two days later, more angry texting on my part. Finally, after several days of thinking about it, I calmed down a little. L doesn't have herpes, and is being tested for every other STD, but right now it looks like he just overreacted and is completely fine. Well, when I came home from vacation, I apologized to him for everything I had said, and asked him to forgive me and to know that I only said the things I did because I was very hurt. I told him that as long as he was STD free, I would still like to talk to him about eventually getting back together, as long as we could take things slowly.

Turns out though that about a week and a half prior to this incident, L's parents had gotten so concerned about his weight (which is very low) and about his unhappiness (which I didn't see) that they convinced him to start talking to a therapist. L said he forgave me for everything I said and was very sorry for everything he did as well, but he felt like he needed to concentrate on himself for a while and get his life back in order before he started thinking about anyone else. As much as I understand where he's coming from and completely agree, I'm also really upset and feel like I've lost him all over again.

And oh yeah, I forgot to mention, after his complete breakdown the other night and the series of very nasty texts I sent to push him over the edge, his parents now hate me. Great.

I don't know how to feel about all this. He was an idiot, and I'm still so hurt to know that he never really did miss me as much as I miss him. We didn't talk at all yesterday, which is so unusual for us. As much as I'll take our friendship, and even though he said maybe one day we can still talk about dating again, I don't know if I can ever be just friends with him. I either need to be with him and be able to love him, or I need to get over him. Unfortunately, I can't do either at this point. I feel like maybe I shouldn't trust him, even though I know he just made a drunken mistake and was just trying to find himself again...

I dont know. All I know is that I'm beginning to think that boys just aren't worth it...