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Tuesday, September 22, 2009

ok so ive been ignoring this blog, but ive been really busy. i dont know what to think about my weight anymore. i was doing so well for a while and exercising every day but then school got very hectic very quickly and i dont have much time to work out anymore. i HAVE however, been eating much less and much healthier, which is the goal anyway. i have juice for breakfast, a salad for lunch, then soup and a salad for dinner if anything. i want to cut back more though. it will never be enough. even when im fasting, i will still always want to do more though because i will never be good enough. its a sick, twisted state of mind, but at times, i love it. i cant tell much difference with my weight right now since i havent had a scale close (which is sort of really uncomfortable for me) but i dont think ive lost much. i just had the best thinspiration of my life though. theres this girl in my sorority who is one of my best friends this year and she is one of the skinniest girls i know. shes BEAUTIFUL, with a punk rock i-dont-give-a-fuck edge to her, and ive admired her body since i first saw her, shes so small and tiny and thin, but she doesnt look sick in any way, just skinny, and gorgeous. well i just looked through her facebook pictures for the first time, and i saw some older pictures of her and she was big! ok so she wasnt like 300 lbs or anything, but she was at least my size now. she looked so different, and now she is SO much smaller. i dont think she has ED, i just think she lost a lot of weight because she just drinks and smokes a lot and stays really busy. a bit of a burnout i guess, but then again, who here wouldnt want to be? but shes my new inspiration. if she can make that much of a change that quickly, then so cna i damnit! and i will too! starting right now, no snacks. only drinking on weekends, and fasting the day before to save calories. one meal a day, salad or vegetable soup. water only to drink. exercise whenever possible for at least an hour. keep a bottle of water with me constantly, only go out to eat when absolutely necessary, like tonight, when i have a scholarship dinner. i will be skinny. i will be a size two. i will be that girl that everyone else admires, and inspires to look like. LETS START FUCKING NOW!

Sunday, September 13, 2009

best day of my life

ok well yesterday was our first home football game at college and it was CRAZY. i got compeltely shitfaced and stayed that way for about 5 hours and oh. my. god. so theres this guy at school, ill call him "M" who is the sexiest guy ive ever seen in my life and im completely obsessed with him. well let me just tell you, when theres a guy i want, i will get him. haha that sounds completely cconceited and everything but i dont care, it almost always works out for me. so i see him at the football game, and he and are i flirting like crazy, but after the first quarter he leaves. so i decide at halftime im gonna go back to my dorm, hoping hes there. well, he was. he was with a group and about to go drink more and i saw him in the stairwell right in front of my floor, so i said hey and he asked where i was going and i said to my room to "take a nap." well, long story short, lets just say i got what i wanted. im no slut, dont get me wrong, just a lottttt of making out and a few happy hands on his part and oh shit it was the greatest night of my life. so, i just thought id post something a little far from the usual for once so you all can know what has been going on in my real life aside from the eating obsession. i know it was just a random hookup but ill let you know if anything else occurs ;) oh and p.s. the best fucking thing about getting fucked up, is even thugh the drinks have tons of calories, when im hungover i cant eat anything the entire day. its a great easy fast. yes yes yes!!

Monday, September 7, 2009

new motivation

so this weekend i went to the lake for vactation, and i was hoping that getting away from college food would make it easier for me to restrict, and in some ways it was, in others, not so much. the day i left, i had only eaten about 300 calories, but worked out a lot right before i left and burned off 350 calories (go me!) but then when i got to the lake i was starving, so i had a total binge and ate arounf 810 calories. fuck me. so yhou would think that i would feel disgusting and not want to eat anymore that weekend right? oh yeah, right, im a total fatass, i forgot. its tradition that when my family goes to the lake, my grandmother fixes us a big country breakfast every morning (biscuits, eggs, gravy, bacon) and i just cant resist that. i just dont think anyone understands what this meal means to me. like, if i were on death row, this would probably be my last meal. so i had three days of that, and dinner every night. i cant believe i havent gained 20 pounds. i felt so disgusting that i left the lake a day early to come back to school and "give myself a full day to study before classes start again" yeah. more like "give myself a full day to fast, work out incessantly, and maybe open a book for like 15 minutes." my roommate isnt back yet, so its really easy for me to not eat and no one notices. its almost 1:00 here and not a single calorie has entered my body, and i intend to keep it that way. i read a blog where a girl said she lost 13 pounds in a week, and others said that they had lost 10 pounds or more in a week, so i have new motivation. i know i can do it, i just have to stay focused. so my plan for this week is
today: fast
tomorrow: granola bar for breakfast, and a small dinner
wednesday: fast
thursday: small dinner only
friday: small dinner and small lunch (this will be my binge day, because im also planning on getting completely fucked up on this day, so if im getting the calories, might as well have food in my stomach so that i wont puke all over myself)
saturday: fast
sunday: fast

i dont know if i can do it. ive done a liquid diet for two days straight before but it was incredibly hard for me, and i had been eating full meals the entire week before, so we'll see how it works out. any motivational words are greatly appreciated! stay strong ladies!

Thursday, September 3, 2009

today has been such a hard day. actaully, make that a hard week. im getting so irate with myself because all of this college food is getting to me. the incesant study hours, late nights and early mornings leave me feeling hungry constantly and the sickening choices of unhealthy greasy, yet oh so appetizing food in the buffet style eating area make it so hard to resist. i was so proud of myself these last few months of summer, i was eating only about 600 calories a day and i looked and felt thinner and i was so happy, but im positive that ive probably gained everything back now and it makes me miserable. im probably eating 600 calories in half of a single meal here! i feel disgustingly unhealthy but its so hard to resist. i dont know whats wrong with me, and i cant even think about taking up purging in a college dorm with everyone living on top of each other. im just gonna have to start making even more study excuses for not eating. basically isolate myself in my dorm except when absolutely necessary or when i know food wont be involved with where im going. im thinking about trying to find an ana buddy somewhere. someone to keep me on track and keep my mind off food and being hungry. i need that desperately. now to find one....

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

so today ive had
naked juice (340 cals)
chicken noodle soup (150 cals)
total: 490 cals

im going to try to make it the rest of the day without eating anything, ill be so proud of myself if i can. not to mention my campus is full of hills, which i walked up and down three times today in 15 minutes with a heavvvvvvvvy backpack, so i probably burned some calories there. think i can make it the rest of the day? i hope so. this college food has been getting to me and im tired of feeling disgusting. i miss the feeling of my empty stomach. maybe ill go to the gym later too. todays the day im committing, getting back on my plan. its so much easier now that classes have started to eat less. so many excuses i can make for not eating like i already ate, ill eat later, too much studying, im going out, etc. its glorious. and now that i have a planned schedule, i can plan set times to work out every day. i feel and look skinnier already i think, and im on my period so im even bloated. i will be a size two. i will do anthing for it.