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Friday, December 24, 2010

merry christmas to me!!!

...and to all you lovely ladies, of course.

but it's just like christmas is coming in all forms for me today. My mom works christmas day, so we celebrated this morning, so i kinda consider it "christmas" already. Anyway, last night, i talked to L for over 4 hours, until about 3 in the morning, and it was amazing. He opened up to me so much, and we had the deepest, most truthful conversations we've ever had together. it was lovely...and we talked about the whole "relationship" thing again, and he told me this time that he definitely wanted to see where it went in the future, and that i wasn't just a random hookup to him, and that he felt more strongly for me than he's ever felt for a girl. Oh, AND, he wants to come up and visit me/meet my family in a few weeks. i couldnt be happier. i'm so smitten.

Not only that, but my weightloss is going awesome. I told you all about the tonsillectomy and about what a great diet plan it was because i couldn't eat, right? well i ended up losing about 5 pounds, and hovering between 131-132 on my crappy bathroom scale, which REALLY means 135-136, but thats SO far down from what i was, it felt amazing. then this morning, i step on the scale feeling like today was a fat day, and it said 129! slaifnosgfnwego, i can't even explain to you all how that feels. I haven't seen the 120's on that scale in about....3 years. at least. I'm ecstatic. I still have a ways to go, but everyone has been complimenting me on how good/skinny i look lately, and i love it.

Plus, i got some really awesome clothes/gifts for christmas. SCORE.

i'm sorry i'm obnoxiously happy today, but everything is just going right again. I hope everything is as lovely for you all as it is for me, and i hope you have some very happy holidays!

Friday, December 17, 2010

I'm not gone.

I promise I'm not. I got my tonsils out on Tuesday, and from there, I have ceased to exist.

No, literally. I'm awake for maybe two hours a day. The pain meds knock me out, but I NEED them right now. I'm still in a ton of pain.

I pretty much haven't eaten since monday night though. Yeahh. Ok, well that's a lie, but nothing big. Ice mainly been drinking my calories in Gatorade, but really that's only about a bottle a day. Tuesday after surgery I had about 3/4 a Popsicle. Wednesday I had a spoonful of mashed potatoes and one Reese cup (separate, I promise!) yesterday I had a spoonful of potatoes, a chocolate ice cream bar, and about 4 bites of chicken salad.

Today I don't think I'm gonna eat much, if anything. I'm feeling worse. Through this starvation/dehydration though, I've lost a ton of weight and look super skinny...well for me anyway. The scale says 133 today, which actually means 137, but hey, I'll take it! That was my goal before the cruise! I did see it get to 131 on Wednesday, but that quickly disappeared when I strews drinking more fluids. Oh what I wouldn't give to see the 120's though! Even if just for a day, and even if I know my scale is not accurate by 4 lbs!

The doctor said it's normal for people to not eat for up to TWO WEEKS after the surgery, and that the main concern was just to drink as much as possible. Two weeks. Two weeks where I can literally starve and not have to hide it, not have anyone think twice about it?

Whenever I feel well enough I'm gonna post some pictures for you all. I actually do think I look a TON better. Oh, and when I slip back into consciousness/reality without staying high constantly, I'll update you with more from my life...L, school, family, etc. Love you ladies. Miss you!

Sunday, December 12, 2010

i hate boys.
really. why do i even put mself out there?
I spent last ngiht with L, slept in his room all night, we kissed, we held hands, we flirted, it was nice. He fell asleep and I started thinking. I started to get curious, and my curiosity led me to get pretty ticked off.

This morning I confronted him about it. Here's how the convo went:

Me: Can I ask you something?
L: yeah, sure. of course.
Me: What are we?
L: *thinks for a few seconds* ....i dont know......what do you want us to be?
Me: I want us to be whatever you want us to be.
L: this isn't fair! (laughingly)
Me: well look, i'm not saying you have to figure it out now, but I'm just curious. I'm not saying you have to make anything official right now, I just need to know if there is a possibility in the future, or if i'm just a friend with benefits to you.
L: wow, friends with benefits? That makes this sound so horrible
Me: well, i just think that I have a right to know.
L: you're right.
Me: ok, well just think about it some, and let me know whenever you decide.
L: ok, i'll do that

*later* I'm sitting on his lap, he has his arms around me, being all flirty, holding my hands, whatnot

L: so back to your difficult question you asked earlier
me: yeah?
L: well, let me just start off by saying that I'm not good at this. I don't really enjoy the whole talking about relationships, it's not really my thing.
Me: ok...
L: well, heres how I see it: If you went and hooked up with another guy, i couldn't be mad about it. Especially if you hook up with someone over Christmas break.
Me: well ok, but that's not really why I asked.
L: then what were you asking for?
Me: because i'm just curious. I just don't know what we are.
L: oh. ok. well, this *points to the ground, to emphasize this EXACT moment* this is where i am right now. I enjoy it here.
Me: *completely confused/slightly embarassed.* Uhh....ok

Thats about where it ended. I'm so confused. And i feel like i've been led on. If this was just hot steamy hook-ups, I guess i would understand more. But it's not. He invites me to come over and watch movies. He holds my hands. He'll just reach over for no reason at all and kiss me on the cheek. He lets me decide when were gonna kiss and/or hook up, and never pressures me to do anything (like he's indifferent to whether he gets anything physically from me or not)

I just feel like i have a right to know a little more. I think i'm gonna talk to him about it again later today, but i'm scared. I just love what we have so much...i'm afriad to mess it up and lose it, or lose him....but it's just not fair to me. I feel like i'm being used in some way....

i hate boys.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

i need your all's thoughts, prayers, and support right now ladies. This is a rough week for me. I know i told you all that the abscess came back on thursday...well, i just had a horrible weekend. i didn't sleep at all thursday night, got up on Saturday morning and drove home to the doctor. I knew he would tell me i needed a tonsillectomy, but I was hoping that he could just drain it, I would instantly feel better, and I could make it back to school that afternoon, make it through the next two weeks, then have the surgery over Christmas break. I mean, this weekend was supposed to be awesome! L actually wanted to take me on our first "real date" i guess on Friday, he asked me if I would go to lunch with him, and of course i was so excited. Then that night, L, CJ, and I were all supposed to go to our friends house for a huuuuuge ugly sweater party. Then Saturday, my best guy friends were having a party at their apartment, and I couldn't wait. L wouldn't be there, but i'm sure I would have ended up spending the night with him that night.

Well, as you guessed, I missed it all. He drained the abscess on Friday, but it ended up coming back AGAIN, and I had to stay home all weekend. I was so mad. And I had to go back into a different doctor on saturday to get it taken care of, and this doctor was an absolute ASS. I've never had a doctor treat me so badly in my life. I was crying so hard in the office. I felt terrible, he wasn't making it any better, and I was missing everything. Not to mention that he told me that the tonsillectomy couldn't wait until Christmas break anymore. That was the worst news.

Heres how my schedule DID look for the next two weeks, before I got sick:

Monday: nothing major, just class
Tuesday: Microbiology project due, Major French presentation, Microbiology lab FINAL
Wednesday: 2 chapters of stats homework due
Thursday: Micro lecture exam, Nursing FINAL
Friday: nothing major

Monday: Music appreciation Final
Tuesday: French Final
Wednesday: Nothing
Thursday: Microbiology Lecture Final
Friday: Stats final

already a pretty full load right? welp, too bad I now had to schedule this surgery for tuesday of finals week. I didn't know what i was going to do. I thought I would have to go incomplete for the semester and make up all my finals during Christmas break and skip the cruise and it was just so stressful, there were a TON of tears this weekend.

Then luckily (I guess) I started feeling better, so I came back to school today, and I've managed to talk to my professors and get all of my finals in before the surgery, but my schedule for this week now looks like this:

Today: Turn in Microbiology project(which i started and finished last night, take Micro lab final, start and finish major French project, do 2 chapters of stats homework
Wednesday: French presentation, turn in stats homework
Thursday: Micro lecture exam, Music Appreciation Final, Nursing Final
Friday: Micro Final, French Final
Monday: Stats Final
Tuesday: Surgery

I'm under so much stress, and I just failed my micro lab final that i studied SOOOOO hard for. and i really NEEDED a good grade on that. I came back and cried a little more. Gosh i'm sick of doing that.

I'm sorry, this is not a happy post, but I just needed to vent. I feel like curling up in my bed and sleeping away the next 2 weeks. I feel like i'm going to more ways than one.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

My story. Briefly.

Ok, I'm gonna give you all a brief summary of my story. It's still pretty long and slightly depressing, but I know there are so many people on here who don't think life is worth living, and I was one of them. Thankfully though, I found out I was wrong, an I think (hopefully) my story might be able to help. Please never hesitate to talk to me if you need help. I'm here for ALL of you at any time.

My first year of high school, everything was great. I loved my school, I was super skinny, super popular, and I was making a ton of friends. I was happy with myself, and I didn't feel like I needed to change myself for anyone in any way. That's when I met nick, a really cute guy who treated me differently from everyone else. He actually looked in my eyes when he spoke to me, instead of staring at my boobs (which were HUGE) or doing that staring off into space while you're talking thing

Sophomore year, nick and I finally started dating, and for a while it was great, but then, something changed. Nick had all kinds of anger/jealousy/control issues and ever so little by little, they had their effect on me. Like you said, he had absolutely no regard for my feelings. He controlled me, intentionally hurt me because he thought it was funny, degraded me, forced me to do things I wasn't comfortable with, and worst of all, he managed to isolate me from everything I loved. He talked bad about my family, my religion, my swimming, and especially my friends until I literally had nothing but him

That's when the suicidal thoughts started. I wanted it all to end. I thought about cutting, taking pills, or just having a car crash, but I just couldn't bring myself to do anything. It seemed like every day ended with me just sobbing uncontrollably, praying to god (whom I didn't even really believe in anymore) that he would just take my life that night. I just didn't want to wake up in the morning.

I knew nick was the reason behind this, but I was too afraid to leave. When you only have one thing in your life, despite how horrible that thing us, how can you leave it and have nothing left? I didn't know what I woukd do. Who would I eat lunch with? Who would I park next to in the morning? Who would I go out with on weekends? I had no true friends anymore. I was alone.

Then one day, I think god kinda stepped in. I was out with a "girlfriend" whom I wasnt even that close to, feeling as empty as ever, when out of nowhere, we were hit by a drunk driver. As the car was spinning through the intersection, throwing me shaker the side of the car and my friend was screaming, my first thought was "well, the inside of this car will be the last thing I ever see in my life." that's when I got terrified. I literally thought of how much I wanted to tell my parents and my sister how much I lived them, and I thought of how wasteful I had been with my life, so for the first time, I was literally begging god to let me live. And thankfully I did. After that I kinda just had a new outlook on life. I wasn't exactly out of my depression, but I was brave enough to finally kick nick out of my life for good. It was scary, it was hard, bur it was the best decision I ever made.

Once I went to college, life changed completely. I had all this freedom to do what actually made me happy, I somehow made a bunch of true friends, which is something I never had in life, and now, I've found this guy L, who treats me so good and makes me so happy that I almost feel guilty. It took some time, but my life turned around and I am SOOOO thankful that I didn't give into my suicidal thoughts. I had NO idea what awesome things my future held, and I wouldn't have believed anyone if they told me how happy I would be.

Sorry, I know that was so long, but my point is: I've been there. I've also gotten through it and I can speak from experience as to what the right decision was. You may not know what it is now, but you do have SOMETHING to live for. Please just give it a chance. I'm here for you as is everyone else reading your blog, and I just want you to be ok. PLEASE tell me if you would like my Facebook, email, or cell number and I'll get it to you. I know I don't know you, but I love you and I want you to be happy. Hang in there.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

I'm dying again. The shitty abscess came back and I had to go to the doctor. I've been forced to miss what was sure to be one of the best weekends of the semester and now, seeing as I'll probably have to have surgery Monday, I may have to miss my final exams too. I'm having a shit week.

Hell of a weightless plan though. Haven't really been able to eat anything since Thursday night. Lost 2 pounds.

I'll update you guys with the full story later, but for now, I'm gonna let these pain meds do their thing. Sleeeeep.