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Saturday, January 15, 2011

My eating is absolutely OFC. out of FUCKING control. I keep trying to find reasons for it, and there are so many....

1)i've been cooking so much, there's always an excess of wonderful food around to tempt me

2) I've changed birth controls, and i swear it's messed with my hormones. I get cravings like when i'm on my period

3) I got so used to eating so little, and then not eating at all during my surgery, that my body is trying to make up for it

i seriously feel like i think of a new reason every day why i'm eating so much, but heres what it comes down to: i'm making excuses. I just want to eat. that's all there is to it. I don't care anymore.

wait, scratch that. I do care. A lot.

It's just that I only care once the food is already in me. My mom made this wonderful chocolate cake thats been in our kitchen for the past few days. The other day i ate THREE WHOLE PIECES!!! wtf?! who does that?! i know how many calories it contains. I know how fat it makes me, but when it's sitting there, staring me in the face with its gooey chocolate chip eyes, i just say "ehhh, fuck it." and i eat it. Then as soon as i'm finished, i sit there and think "ooohhhh shitttt......" and i freak out. I'm getting fat again. I'm gonna gain all the weight back. I look terrible, etc.

So here's what all of this boils down to: i'm done.

The only reason i'm eating all of this is because i think it's going to make me feel good. I think that I can just put this food into my mouth then forget about it once it's gone. I think that the taste will be worth the end result.

The problem is, that doesn't happen. I still freak out, i still feel worse AFTER eating it then i would have if i had just left it alone. It's not worth it. I'm done. I'm not eating anymore. I'm not fasting completely, but i'm going back to my one meal a day, around 600 calories maximum thing.

I will lose this weight. I will be skinny. I will love what i see in the mirror. I will be hot. It will happen.


  1. Today I had my first binge since a long time. I think it just naturally comes and we loose control. The best I could do was tell myself tomorrow will be another day.

  2. I'm in a better position than you in terms of my Mum couldn't abek if her life depended on it! I love baking but I hate having food in the house so whenever people visit or we visit someone I bake something and then offer it to the visitors/hosts and either leave some there for them to enjoy later or give them some to take home. I do eat my own creations but I try not to eat and eat and eat my own creations, if you know what I mean! It has to fit into my daily calorie allowance.