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Saturday, August 27, 2011

Full circle

well ladies, we've come full circle.

As you can tell, i fully partook in margarita night at my favorite frat house and ended up quite a mess. Don't get me wrong, it was an extremely good night, but not the best of decisions was made.

I've been back at school now for a week. I've got my room all set up with CJ, i've gone through orientation, i've already had to study....things are back to normal. Then L moved in. I knew he was moving in that day, but all day i never heard from him. Around 7 that night I went to get some food, and I ran into him, then we ate together. Everything was ok...we caught up a little, we laughed, it was great. But I was still a little hurt that he hadnt tried to meet up with me at all, especially after I found out that he had called CJ first and wanted to say hello to her when he had said nothing to me.

Anyway, CJ, L and I all hung out afterwards, and decided to go to a big party. We all got completely hammered, and that's when it happened. Stupid me asked L to kiss me. He asked if that was a good idea, and if we shouldnt wait until we were sober, but it ended up happening anyway. Thats when i started crying. I cried and cried and cried and told him how much i loved him and missed him and how much i was still hurting. He held me and told me that he was so sorry and that he understood completely and it hurt him so much to see me upset.

After much talking and crying, all i wanted was to go back to my dorm and go to sleep. (mind you, this was around 2:30 in the morning) I tried to leave, but L refused to let me walk home by myself. I was hurt and upset and mad and told him that I didnt want to walk with him and that he should leave me alone. I marched back to campus while L followed several steps behind me the entire way, refusing to leave until he knew that i was safe. Right before I got back to my room, we started talking again. I confessed everything to him. EVERYTHING. everything i felt for him, everything he had ever done to hurt me, how much i wished things were different, how much i wished, despite him having herpes, that we could be back together, and all my insecurities that i would still have even if we did someday get back together.

Well, it was a good talk, but we decided that we should stop and talk about this some other time when we were sober. The next day, I'm in my room studying, when a friend of mine comes in and tells me a big elaborate story, which includes the fact that L was supposedly "talking" to someone else. I confronted him about it, and he told me that yes, they had kissed a few times, but that they were only little pecks because he didnt like her and that she was the one to always kiss him. I told him again how hurt i was, how much i wished things could go back to how they were between us, and how i hated how easily he had moved on. When i said that, he stopped in his tracks, looked at me and said, "do you seriously think that I dont wish it was your name instead of hers every time it pops up on my phone?! You think this was easy for me? It's not easy at all. I was just trying to give you a way out because i thought thats what you wanted."

Well, that was news to me. We talked for a long time again, and basically came to the conclusion that the feelings between us will always be there, but it's just not the right time for a relationship. He decided to tell the other girl that he had no feelings for her and no intentions of dating her, and that he was sorry if he led her on. As for us, we decided to "take things slow." VERY slow. Basically, we're just friends right now, and that's how it will stay for quite a while. The only difference is that we both want to still have hope to possibly have a relationship again in the future. We agreed that during this time of taking things slow, we would not do random hook-ups with other people, and that we would concentrate on trying to repair things between the two of us instead, but if during this time either one of us met someone really special, whom we saw a legitimate serious relationship with, we would be honest, and we were free to pursue that instead of each other.

I know this all sounds very strange, and maybe stupid, but it really is the best option for us. It's hard to be just friends when you have such strong feelings for one another...but it's hard to stay away from each other when the other person is also your best friend in life. This way, we're free to like each other without feeling guilty, we both have hope for the relationship that we should have had in teh first place, but we're not entirely tied down to each other either. And ever since that talk, things have been so great between us. We can hang out and talk and text and everything without feeling awkward or like we're crossing any lines. Everything is just easy again.

He also gave me a cake for my birthday. Complete with 20 trick candles. Haha, it was so cute.

So anyway, that's all about the boy for now I guess. And probably all that there will be about him for quite a while. As for the other aspects of my life, school is great...I study every free second of the day, but because it actually pertains to my career now and what I want to spend the rest of my life doing, it's very interesting and I dont mind studying in the least.

I've been doing fairly well eating wise. I usually eat a banana for breakfast, have a turkey wrap and some veggies for lunch, and i'm usually too full to eat dinner. I think i'm dropping weight still, and i've had a lot of people compliment me lately on how good i look, including L :)

In two weeks, CJ, L, several other friends and I are trying to head down to the lake for a giant annual lake party we have here. Think "mardi gras on water." it's awesome. Anyway, I have to look real hot by then, so I have to keep my eating in check!

Well, thanks for reading my novel...thats about all I have for now! I'll try to keep posting as often as I can, but it's getting hard to find time around all the bare with me. Love you ladies!

Drunky drunk drunk.

That's wqht I am. I'm back at school abs tonight I told L that o still love Him. There were a Lot of tears. I don't know what to do. I'm so stupid, but we kissed anyway. What was I thinking?! The rest of the story tomorrow night. Lowverly ladies.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Am I stupid?

First of all....I apologize in advance. This post will have nothing to do with my eating. So for those of you who only want to hear about how many calories I ate today and what the scale says instead of listening to my whine about my seemingly perfect life, feel free to skip this and leave now. I won't be satisfying you today. For the rest of you: god bless you. Feel free to read on.

All this has to do with is the shitty emotional rollercoaster my period puts me on. Tomorrow, I'll probably look back at this post and think, "really frenzy? Are you seriously botching about this again? It's not that bad. Grow some balls and move past it already." but I can't say that today, so here it goes:

I really miss L. I'm not talking about the kind of missing someone that comes with that bittersweet decision to look back on the memories and sigh deeply before saying "well, at least we had a good time while it lasted." I'm talking about an all consuming, ever present, shake me down to my hollow core, cause me to curl up in a little ball just to feel like someone is holding me kind of missing.

All day I think about him. All day I sit there giving myself reason after reason why this is a good thing and why it's just important for me to stay strong and have faith that I'm slowly moving on and someday soon this pain will be nothing but I memory. I tell myself, "ok, problem number one: he has herpes. Even if you all could survive a relationship without any intimacy until marriage, could you even trust it then? What if you all ended up getting divorced, or god forbid something happened to him and you were alone, trying to face starting a new relationship? Do you really want to have to worry about an incurable STD? And what about his back, hmmm? Have you forgotten that? Again, even in the best case scenario of marriage, how could he ever get down on one knee and propose if he can't even bend over to tie his shoes? How could he carry you over the doorway? How could he help you carry heavy boxes when you moved into a house, or do any handy work around the house, or even pick up your baby?"

The internal monologue goes on and on until I trick myself into believing that I'm actually on without him. Then I check my phone 23 times an hour to see if he's called, finally go to bed, and end up dreaming about him all night. Literally EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT. I dream he's holding me, or kissing me softly, or telling me that he's missed me too, and I'm happy. So happy. For once in the past 3 1/2 months since we broke up, I actually feel alive again. But then I wake up, realize I was dreaming yet again, and start the whole daily process over.

I don't want to miss him, but I can't stop it, no matter how hard I try. I find myself counting the days until school starts again, not because I'm excited to see my friends or start classes, but because I'm excited to see HIM. I start thinking about how excited I'll be to simply go to lunch with him, or go swim with him after class. I envision this big romantic night where he kisses me and tells me that he's sorry for everything, that he loves me, and that he still wants to be with me.

I know I shouldn't get my hopes up. Even if he DID feel that way, he would never admit it simply because he wants to protect me from all his "baggage". But the undeniable truth is that no matter how much I think I should just move on, all I want to do is e with him again. With every inch of my soul, that's all I want. I always considered myself a fairly intelligent, mature, strong person who would never make a decision like that, claiming that I NEED someone like I need air to breathe. Especially not in a situation like this. Yes, every girl grows up dreaming of her prince charming, but I guarantee you no girl grow up dreaming of her prince charming complete with genital herpes.

Yet, somehow, I do.

This only leaves me one question:

Am I the worlds biggest idiot?!

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

sad face.

well, my horrible choices have finally caught up to me. I've been weighing myself for the past 2 days and the scale is at i've gained a pound. I know that's not terrible, but it's definitely a step in the WRONG direction. I blame the lake. I eat constantly while im there. Luckily (i guess....) that should be my last trip to the lake this year unless I can leave school and go down on labor day weekend. I don't look for that this year though; school is going to be way too crazy to leave.

My eating future doesn't look too bright for the next few weeks either if i'm being honest. Tomorrow the fam and I are heading to the state fair, where absolutely horrid amounts of calories and fat will be consumed. I'm guessing i'll probably eat roasted corn, a funnel cake, a lemonade shaker, and maybe a prkchop sandwich. AT LEAST. ughhh....I just cant help myself at the fair though. It's one of those few days a year where I absolutely will not limit what I eat. I only get to experience it one day a year, and i look forward to the food all year, so i'm not going to deprive myself of anything lol

Another one of those absolutely no limits days? My birthday. Which is coming up in about 2 weeks. It will be my first day of classes this year (happy freaking birthday to so i'm going to celebrate with my parents early again this year. I love Italian food, so that's what i'll probably choose to eat. Lots of pasta with meet and TONS of cheese...lots of fattening sauce, multiple breadsticks, salad, cake.....

My grandma also wants to take me out to eat somewhere before I leave for school. This will probably end up at another italian restaurant. Looks like i wont be hitting 125 by my birthday after all....

honestly though, that's ok. I'm still very happy with where my weight is right now. I know I could still stand to lose a few pounds, but I dont look bad now. No one would ever look at me and think of me as overweight. I feel so much more confident, and that's a good long as I can keep myself from gaining an inappropriate amount.

School should be better though...i hope at least. I'm starting my "graduate program" i guess you could call it, this year, and from what i hear, I can expect to have absolutely zero life outside of class and studying. Lots of stress=very little eating for me, because stress literally makes me sick to my stomach.

The only bad part is that CJ and I are rooming together this year. I'm really excited about that, but CJ doesn't watch what she eats at all. She's by no means FAT, but she's a little overweight. When we're eating together, it usually ends up in a "fuck it...i'm eating whatever I damn well please" kind of attitude. Plus, she loves to go out and party, and I always go along with her when I can. Her bf is in a fraternity, so tehre are a lot of party opportunities, and the guys that we partied with all the time during our freshman year are living in the same dorm as us again, so there should be a lot of drinking involved whenever possible. When we drink, we eat. That's how i gained so much weight freshman year after all....lots of drinking, lots of greasy foods the next morning to soak up the alcohol.

This should make for a pretty interesting combination this year...we'll see what side i end up choosing. Honestly though, if i were placing bets, I really don't look for me to gain that much this year. I'm a lot better at controling myself, watching my weight, and dragging my fat ass to the gym when it gets out of hand.

We shall see...

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Well my food plan for the week is already screwed up. Yesterday, instead of having chicken and salad, my mom took my sister and I shopping and we ended up stopping at panera bread for lunch. I didn't choose the healthiest thing....the tomato mozzarella panini, but according to the menu, it was around 770 cals, the chips I ate were 160 or so? And then the only thong I ate later that day was a 90 calorie fiber one brownie and some skim milk. Ohh and I had a fruit and yogurt parfait for breakfast. So really I think I stayed pretty near my 1200 cal limit....especially considering how much walking we did!

Then, today, I was planning on having the chicken and salad, but my grandma called and wanted to take my mom and my sister out to eat then to the casino (I'm not old enough to gamble btw so I couldn't go.) so since it was just my dad and I, he brought home some Chinese takeout. I ended up eating half of my garlic chicken, about half of my rice, one egg roll, and a fortune cookie. It's still not TOO bad though, cause I only ate another parfait, another brownie, and more milk before dinner. So as long as I don't eat anything else for the rest of the night, I should be ok. Hopefully.

I also went shopping again today (for different things than yesterday, I swear I'm not a shopoholic!) so I burned some cals there. I bought another bra/undies set too. Gahhh curse you Victorias secret, you take all of my money!! Haha but seriously, this is the most comfortable bra I've ever put on in my whole entire post-pubescent life. I never want to take it off. Like for real, if you all haven't checked out the new showstopper collection, then I highly suggest you go do it. Right now.

Oh, and L randomly texted me while I was shopping today. We don't talk much anymore, maybe once every week and a half to two weeks.... He said he needed space to deal with all the crap in his life right now and that moving on would just be easier if we don't talk everyday like we used to. I understood. However, after about a week and a half, I always break down and text him...he's never the one to text me first.

Anyway, like I said, he texted me today, just a few days after we had talked last. He just wanted to see what was going on with me...but something was weird. Toward the end of our very short convo, he said something kind of flirty, and told me that I meant very much to him. Pretty much out of no where. I don't really know how to take it, but if I know L as well as I think I do, this means something. This probably means that he's not really been moving on, and may want to talk again. Idk, it could mean absolutely nothing, but I know L so well now that nothing he does can shock me, I can predict pretty much everything he does...and it just seems meaningful to me. Oh....what to do if I'm right.....

Monday, August 8, 2011


Ok so I finally got up the courage this morning to step on the scale and face the cold hard facts that I've been eating too much junk. I expected my scale to say around 130-131 (actually meaning 134-135ish) but I put both feet on, looked down, and 127! I stared in disbelief, stepped back off, back on, and there it was again...127. So actually I weigh probably around 131 (Gahhh I need an accurate scale so that o can stop guessing!!) but that means I'm only around 2 lbs away from getting into the 120's!! Ahhhh I haven't been in the 120's in the past 5 years probably! I am SO FREAKING EXCITED. I know my ultimate goal weight would be to weigh 120 and my ultimate super dream goal weight is around 115-116 cause that would put me just about 5 lbs away from being underweight, but seriously idk if I'll ever do that. So just 11 lbs from my ultimate goal....I really need to stay focused!

Speaking of focused, today marks the day that I start concentrating on making healthy choices again. Ok, so I already fucked up by taking two mini cinnamon roll free samples at the grocery store this morning...but oh well. At least I didn't buy the whole package and gorge myself on them like I would have loved to do. Then I came home and ate a yogurt parfait, and that's all I will eat until dinner tonight, which I'm making salad so Woohooo!

This week's food calendar looks about like this:
2 mini cinnamon rolls
Yogurt parfait with strawberries and blueberries
Salad with grilled chicken

Italian marinated chicken breast
Fruited Bibb lettuce salad

Parfait or special k cereal
Chicken tortellini soup (high sodium, but the calories shouldn't be that bad if I don't eat most of the tortellini in it)
Maybe a grilled cheese with the soup

Parfait or cereal
Leftover soup

Who knows? We may be going to the lake again so well see what that means food wise.
If I get really hungry for lunch, salad only. I'm so committed to losing these last few lbs. And if I can lose 2 lbs a week (which is still a lofty goal when I'm not exercising, I'll admit...) then I will weigh around 125 or so for my birthday, which would be so freaking fantastic!!

Oh, and I feel like I should mention this since it's on my food plan this week....if you ladies are looking for a great low cal dinner, make some Italian marinated chicken breasts. All you do is take some Italian salad dressing, marinate your chicken breast in it for a few hours, then grill it! Seriously, that's it! Two ingredients! And it tastes sooooo good and has so much flavor. You're getting your protein without a lot of cals! Just thought I'd share in case you all haven't already heard about that!

Well that's it for now, I'll probs post more soon, but I'm on my iPhone and I hate writing a ton!

Ok so that's pretty good calorie wise as long as I can stick to it.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

I really need to gain control again. Like forreal. I know Ive still lost weight this summer, but all of the sudden it's like I've just stopped caring. I'm eating like crazy. Not really crazy amounts, honestly, but horrible choices. Well, and the amounts aren't really that great either I guess. When I started this summer, I would wake up late, eat maybe a bowl of cereal or a yogurt parfait, then eat one helping at dinner and that would be it for the day. This week, i ate:
3 pieces of pizza
About 6 cookies
5 Reese cups
2 biscuits
3 slices of bacon
A grilled cheese
Bourbon chicken with lots of rice
Apple juice and orange juice instead of water
A slice of chocolate cheesecake
Cheddar and sour cream chips
A chocolate donut
A waffle house waffle
2% milk
Mcdonalds cheeseburger
Small fries
Another cheeseburger (home grilled this time)

Yeah....that's all I can think of right now. Of course, that was over a full week, and I was at the lake for 3 days which is where my diet just goes out the window and I eat whatever my family eats, but still. I could have made much better choices.

I broke down and bought a matching bra/undies set from victorias secret the other day. I like them a lot, but I still look in the mirror when I wear them and feel too fat. I don't see my muscles like I want to. I feel like I have no torso lol...I'm so short that any belly fat on me makes me look like I go straight from boobs to legs! Haha

Side boobs frustrate me SOOOO much. I mean....I already had a reduction about 3 1/2 years ago, but I wish I would have gone a little smaller! I'm so sick of companies not making bathing suits for huge boobs. Even at victorias secret, the bras in my size are so HUGE. They have like 4 clips in the back! Really?! I don't need 4 clips! And they never make cute ones in my size always has to be like black, white, or nude. Seriously, I'm a normal sized woman. Just because I have big boobs doesn't mean I don't like to wear cute things!

Lol ok my ranting is done now. I haven't weighed myself yet cause I'm a little apprehensive to see that I've gained instead of lost....but I think tomorrow morning I'll suck it up, weigh myself, and update you all.

Monday, August 1, 2011

so fresh and so clean

Well, the doc called back today and i'm completely 100% STD free. well that's a relief.

On to more important matters...weight. Ive not been eating healthy at all. Like, at all. I love to cook, and Im in charge of cooking dinner for the family every night. Couldn't I use this to my advantage, and cook super healthy, super low cal meals? Sure I could. Is that what I do? Absolutely not.

I wont lie, I love creamy, rich, super fattening foods. I mean seriously now, who doesnt? So instead of cooking lean meats and lots of veggies, I cook pasta, creamy enchiladas, name it. It all tastes absolutely amazing, but really, i have to be super careful controlling my protions so that my calorie count isnt shot for the day with just one meal.

So tonight I'm cooking bourbon chicken. A little better right? Let's just pretend so.

Silver lining though? My scale said 128 today. So....132-133? Looks like im still losing weight, ever so slowly but surely. Woohoo for miracles.