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Sunday, August 21, 2011

Am I stupid?

First of all....I apologize in advance. This post will have nothing to do with my eating. So for those of you who only want to hear about how many calories I ate today and what the scale says instead of listening to my whine about my seemingly perfect life, feel free to skip this and leave now. I won't be satisfying you today. For the rest of you: god bless you. Feel free to read on.

All this has to do with is the shitty emotional rollercoaster my period puts me on. Tomorrow, I'll probably look back at this post and think, "really frenzy? Are you seriously botching about this again? It's not that bad. Grow some balls and move past it already." but I can't say that today, so here it goes:

I really miss L. I'm not talking about the kind of missing someone that comes with that bittersweet decision to look back on the memories and sigh deeply before saying "well, at least we had a good time while it lasted." I'm talking about an all consuming, ever present, shake me down to my hollow core, cause me to curl up in a little ball just to feel like someone is holding me kind of missing.

All day I think about him. All day I sit there giving myself reason after reason why this is a good thing and why it's just important for me to stay strong and have faith that I'm slowly moving on and someday soon this pain will be nothing but I memory. I tell myself, "ok, problem number one: he has herpes. Even if you all could survive a relationship without any intimacy until marriage, could you even trust it then? What if you all ended up getting divorced, or god forbid something happened to him and you were alone, trying to face starting a new relationship? Do you really want to have to worry about an incurable STD? And what about his back, hmmm? Have you forgotten that? Again, even in the best case scenario of marriage, how could he ever get down on one knee and propose if he can't even bend over to tie his shoes? How could he carry you over the doorway? How could he help you carry heavy boxes when you moved into a house, or do any handy work around the house, or even pick up your baby?"

The internal monologue goes on and on until I trick myself into believing that I'm actually on without him. Then I check my phone 23 times an hour to see if he's called, finally go to bed, and end up dreaming about him all night. Literally EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT. I dream he's holding me, or kissing me softly, or telling me that he's missed me too, and I'm happy. So happy. For once in the past 3 1/2 months since we broke up, I actually feel alive again. But then I wake up, realize I was dreaming yet again, and start the whole daily process over.

I don't want to miss him, but I can't stop it, no matter how hard I try. I find myself counting the days until school starts again, not because I'm excited to see my friends or start classes, but because I'm excited to see HIM. I start thinking about how excited I'll be to simply go to lunch with him, or go swim with him after class. I envision this big romantic night where he kisses me and tells me that he's sorry for everything, that he loves me, and that he still wants to be with me.

I know I shouldn't get my hopes up. Even if he DID feel that way, he would never admit it simply because he wants to protect me from all his "baggage". But the undeniable truth is that no matter how much I think I should just move on, all I want to do is e with him again. With every inch of my soul, that's all I want. I always considered myself a fairly intelligent, mature, strong person who would never make a decision like that, claiming that I NEED someone like I need air to breathe. Especially not in a situation like this. Yes, every girl grows up dreaming of her prince charming, but I guarantee you no girl grow up dreaming of her prince charming complete with genital herpes.

Yet, somehow, I do.

This only leaves me one question:

Am I the worlds biggest idiot?!


  1. No not at all it took me a year and a half to get over my ex and though during the recovery period I've had 2 boyfriends already 2 serious ones that have broken my heart which lead me to an FWB however read "Its called a break up cause it broken" Do a hetox like me and my Exes minus 1 are best friends but I had to not talk to him for 2 months like not kidding like I to get to a point to where seeing him didn't make me cry I blocked him on everything and his calls talking only for a moment just to not seem rude but its recommended to just cut him off then after two month talk to him TRY IT? I feel you pain
    Make CJ your breakup buddy call her when you wanna call him. Have a sleep over with her when you wanna cuddle
    Sorry for the unsolicited advice

  2. I don't know what to say hun, that really sucks. That is such a hard situation. I hope that you find your way. There are ways to avoid catching herpes while being sexually active with someone with it, though I understand the risks are terrifying. I know you can get through this, one way or another. I hope you feel better hun. My heart goes out to you.