Created by MyFitnessPal - Nutrition Facts For Foods

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

missing hunger

so..i don't know why i do this. I always think of great things that I want to post on this blog and tell you all about, but then as soon as I get on here, it's like a can't remember any of it. Crap!

Hmmm...well I realized something today, I realized that i've gotten to the point where being full actually hurts. I mean, i'm not even talking about when you completely binge and clean out a buffet or something, I'm talking about the kind of full that used to come after eating a meal. You know, the kind that used to be satisfying. I guess I'm trying to say that being hungry is starting to feel good. That almost scares me a little. I was at the pool today babysitting some kids, and I got soooo I ate some lunch. I'm not even going to say what it was because I'm so embarassed but I'll say that it was only a kids meal. Well, I ate it all (I used to be able to eat one of these kids meals as a snack, it's not a whole lot of food) and I was full. Probably because i'm not used to eating entire meals anymore, but whatever. I just sat there afterwards, thinking about how strange it felt to not be hungry still. It was actually sickening. I felt so disgusting, and I was immediately wishing for my empty stomach again. Now i'm planning on not eating dinner, because i've eaten a full meal today. WTF. This is a little scary almost. You all know that I want to lose weight (duh!) but you all can see that i'm trying to do it in a semi-healthy way. I'm just so SCARED. I'm scared that i'll either never be able to reach my goal weight and i'll be fat for forever, or I'll reach my goal weight, and it will never be enough. I'm afraid that I'll keep cutting calories and adding more days of fasting until I have a full blown eating disorder that I'll never be able to recover from. Why do our lives have to be so complicated...why is it so hard for us to look in the mirror and be satisfied with what we see?

Ok, i'm finished with my complaining. I'm sorry.

In other news, I went to see Eclipse last night. Hmm....what to say about that? Ok I LOVE the twilight series, i'm such a hopeless romantic, the sappier the better for me. I've read the books over and over again and yeah, i'm one of those girls that's really upset that Edward Cullen doesn't actually exist. Whatever. I'm not obsessed, I swear, but I think stephanie meyer took my dream guy right out of my head and wrote a book about him. Anyway, the acting sucked, as expected. It's such a shame...the books were so amazing, they could make such awesome movies out of them! But oh well, kristen stewart was as weird as always, Jasper was crazy, movie was corny. WHATEVER. Great guys to look at. :) so it's worth it to me. Hmm...might go read the book again later lol

Oh, so random I know, but this used to be my favorite commercial EVER, and I just found it online again. It's so cute and I just can't help but smile and feel happy when I watch it, so i'm gonna post it on here for you all in hope that it will bring some joy to your day too. Enjoy. :)

Tuesday, June 29, 2010


ok, swim meet last night, kicked ass, again.
My stomach has hurt like hell lately...not a hunger feeling, but a sick kind of feeling. The last two nights in a row it was horrible, i just wanted to feel better, so i tried to throw up. Now if you've read my blog before, you know that I don't purge. Never have. But I did try to make myself throw up a few times, just so that my stomach would stop hurting...well, i've now discovered that its impossible for me. I had my fingers as far down my throat as they would possibly go, and nothing. Not even a little gag. Jeeze, and I thought no gag reflex was a GOOD thing. haha whatever. At least i'll never be tempted to purge. Anyway, stomach feels a little better today, but i've taken it easy with the eating..only about 350 cals or so at most. Stepped on the scale, and it says 140!!


oh dear lord, i don't think i can express how amazing that feels. And it's not like last time the scale said 140...this didnt come out of nowhere. I've been losing steadily, the scale was at 142 for a long time, the past 2 days it's been 141, and today it's been 140 all day! yes! As excited as I am now though, I can't even imagin how it's going to feel when I see the 130's again.

The coolest thing is, losing the first 10 pounds really hasn't been that hard, you know? Yeah ok, I wish it would have happened a lot faster, but i'm not starving myself and I don't exercise until I pass out and I don't purge...I mean, this is a routine that I can actually keep up with! And if I keep losing at this pace, I can see at least 129 by the end of the summer, EASY!

I haven't seen 120's on the scale since I was a sophomore in high school. that will be SO exciting! GAHHHH!!!

Ok, I know I have more to write about, but I can't think about it right now. Just like lilah said (of course, we've decided we're pretty much the same exact person! lol) I really miss wilted rose...come back dear so we can hear about your progress and be excited with you!

Thank you to all of my beautiful followers, i hope things are going well with you and you are reaching your goals...PLEASE drop me a comment and let me know what is going on in your lives...i love them, i truely do, and usually (unless i get really busy then forget) I love to write back. So let's hear whats going on!

oh, and I hope you enjoy the new layout! It was time for a change in more than just the way I look. It's not perfect, but this new blogger editing system and I didn't really get along all that well, so this will have to do for now.


Sunday, June 27, 2010

liquid fast ain't goin so fast...

ok, first liquid fast. Got up and went to church this morning. At my church, they have a huge table of free mini donuts and milk/orange juice for everyone to have, which is nice...unless you're like us and hate teh irony of being tempted in church :)

so i psyched myself up the whole way there. "frenzy, you don't need any donuts. they're not even that great, and they have tonssss of calories. Just resist. It's not like they're gourmet donuts or krispy kremes or anything. Stay strong, you can do it."

Well I get to church and guess what? yup. They--for the first sunday I have ever witnessed in the past 4 or so years that they've had this table of donuts--had several dozen of krispy kreme donuts. OF COURSE THEY DID!

What would you have done? Well, my first instinct was to go grab one or two, tell myself how I can work it off later and promise myself that I wouldnt eat a single bite the rest of the day, but then that little voice popped back into my head and said, And I quote,


And i knew it was true, so I resisted! And it felt sooo good afterwards! So I get home, sit on the couch, my dad and sister make these amazing looking sandwichs for lunch and have chips with mouth was watering so much, but again, I didn't give in!

You ever notice though that when you won't allow yourself food, you just want it that much more and it becomes all you think about? It's not that you're even hungry...iut's just wanting what you can't have I guess. Well, I kept thinking about food obsessively, and it got really really annoying, so I went and took a nap.

Just woke up a few minutes ago, went out to the kitchen, and my mom says "hey I brought you home a piece of cake from work!"

What is this shit?! Torture Frenzy day?! It was good cake too with mandarin oranges and pinapple. Ok, i'll be honest, I took one bite. But, i had only had one glass of milk today, and I put it back in the fridge. So I kinda screwed up, but not really. Sorry lilah dear...i'll do like 100 crunches to burn it off lol but, i'm totally set to resist the china buffet tonight. I'm going with the whole "my stomach is really hurting today, so i'll just meet you all at teh movie" thing. It will work. And I hate popcorn, so resisting in the movie will be easy, then when i get out it will be close to midnight :D

Scale said 142 today, with all of my clothes on and after I had had the cake, so i'm very excited to see what it says tomorrow morning!

You know, this liquid fast hasn't been as hard as I thought it would be. I'm thinking I might take lilah up on that whole liquid fast every sunday thing. it will be good too, since my free day is usually on friday or saturday and I end the day feeling like a cow.

ok, long post, have to keep my mind off things. Love you all, and remember, every single goal is in reach, just be strong and patient!

Saturday, June 26, 2010

liquid fassssttttt

tomorrow is the day
liquid fast...i haven't done one in sooo long, but i need it. scale has been hovering back around 144 lately.

someone PLEASSEEE explain this to me:
I eat about 1000 cals a day, and all in rather healthy foods. I only drink water. I exercise about 2 hours every day, pretty vigorously. Why am I not losing weight? I dont know what to I in starvation mode? Can my body go into starvation mode when i'm still eating 1000 a day? I mean, should i cut cals, increase exercising, drink more water, eat more? I'm so confused.

Seriously, you hear all those "weight loss experts" on tv and all the nutrition teachers tell you "losing weight is simple...all you have to do is burn more calories than you take in. Decrease by 500 a day and exercise and you'll lose about 2 lbs a week"

yeah fucking right. Not so simple for me apparently. shit.

please excuse my french.

But I digress. I can't wait until the liquid fast tomorrow with the wonderful lilah lee! hopefully this will kick me back into shape! I need y'alls encouragement though, I'm going out with friends tomorrow and they want to go eat at a chinese buffet beforehand. Of course they do. Ok, so it's not the best food in the world, this china buffet, but I've been craving some chinese food, and it will be hard to get out of the plans, because if I go, I can't just sit there...i'll have to pay to be there. And if I pay, why wouldn't I eat?

But I will resist. Somehow. I'm determined to do this, and I can't let my best blogger buddy lilah down! I'm hoping to see 140 again by tuesday. Hopefully. Who knows with my crazy body though and my crappy scale. But I was 143 today, and everytime i've done a liquid fast I lose about 2 pounds. All waterweight, so i gain it right back usually, BUT i've never been determined to KEEP it off before.

hmmm...ok, well i'll probably be posting a lot tomorrow to keep myself distracted and keep you all updated! If anyone wants to join us, please do so! Stay strong out there, we can all do this together!

Thursday, June 24, 2010

insert exciting post title here.

so like i said, life has been pretty boring lately. Or maybe it hasn't, but after the whole Paris fiasco (I just love that word!) I don't think anything will be able to live up to that excitement for quite a while, so maybe returning to normal life where I don't have to worry about deciding to move to another country for a year just seems EXTRA boring now. So i'll bore you all with my random useless thoughts yet again.

1) As soon as I added my awesome background to my blog, my old posting editing thing (i have no earthly clue what else to call it) completely disappeared. Like I can't make things in italics anymore, change the colors or the size. wtf? i miss it. it at least made my blog LOOK exciting. And im kinda sick of using caps to empahsize words. it looks like i just like to yell random words in the middle of my thoughts haha ANYWAY does anyone know why this happened or how to fix it without getting rid of my layout?

2) So since i am actually moving to paris next year, i've been looking at buying a video camera to send some cute little vids back to my my plan is to show them views from my appartment, from the eiffel tower, take it out and show them my new friends, know, the things you can't really do with skype. So I was looking at buying one of those little flip video cameras for $130. I'll be honest, I don't know why the flip is supposed to be that great, but it just seems like everyone has one, so i figured thats what I would go with. Does anyone have one/like it? Ok but heres my delimma...I went to the phone store with my sister today and this guy was showing us the new iphone. It's pretty freakin awesome. It's $200, which is only $50 more than the older iphone...and it's a lot better. It also can shoot awesome video and you can edit it right there...and I can download some awesome apps that could really help me out in Paris. The problem is, I would have to pay $20 a month for the internet service. And i'm not sure how much video it can hold. So should I keep my old phone and get a flip, or break down, spend more money that i don't really have, and get an iphone? I'm so bad with decisions.

3) I need a new scale. Badly. Mine has been weighing me anywhere from 140-144 these last couple days. So inconsistent. But I'm afraid to get an actual ACCURATE scale and see what I truely weigh. lol you know, ignorance is bliss :)

Ok, like I said, I'm boring as shit lately. I don't even have anything to report about my's a damn weightloss blog for pete's sake! Jeeze. Well, I hope my life gets more interesting. Thank you to all my followers for actually somehow caring about my boring life. Love you guys.

Oh, and i'm not being negative about all this, just want my blog to be interesting again. Still staying positive about the weightloss thing! I mean, this morning I actually looked in the mirror and basically LIKED what I saw. DID YOU HEAR ME?! LIKEDDDDDDD what i saw in the mirror! *gasp* and i'm only 8 lbs down (well, according to my piece of shit scale haha) buttt just imagine how happy we'll be when we reach our goal! keep losing girls!

Tuesday, June 22, 2010


ok so i had my swim meet last night. suprised the hell out of everyone, including myself. i've always been a pretty good swimmer, and especially on my small little summer team i've always been the best (not being cocky, i've been on the team for 13 years now and have won the high point award every year) anyway, no one expected me to be that great this year just because i'm burnt out and i hardly swam last summer and didn't swim at all this winter. whatever. Did great, got 3 first places in my individual races, four 2nd places in my relays and my 100 IM (in which i screwed up on a turn or I would have easily won) and a third? i believe in worst stroke. The best part was, last year I set a record in the 50 freestyle, and last night I was only .3 of a second off that record! ahhh i'm back bitches! hahaha

anyway I stepped on the scale today against my better judgement and it said 140! I'm really really excited cause thats another 2 pounds off, but i really let my diet go this weekend, so i don't know how i would have lost. Maybe the whole boosting my metabolism by actually eating more thing? I don't know, but i'm waiting until i see 140 again until I update my weight loss counter for sure. I'm just not very confident in this piece of crap scale I have here at the house. but whatever, it made my morning :) This post is boring. It almost puts me to sleep. Wish I had something more exciting to write about right now, but i just dont. And lilah, I agree...I want to post more pictures but I want to get some good ones first lol i'm not very photogenic at all...but i'll see what I can do! stay tuned for that I guess.

*sigh* ok well, i dont know what else to write. I need to get out of the house and do something more exciting with my life. I feel like I need to go visit CJ or something. I haven't drank since...well since I went to CJ's...and even then I didn't get drunk drunk. Don't think i'm an alcoholic or anything...i just need some good sloppy drunken fun again! You know..besides all the calories. I never drink when i'm home for the summer. I don't have that many super close friends here that do drink. I miss college. I miss the crazy parties and just havign fun at any chance for no reason whatsoever. jeeze. I am an alcoholic aren't I? ok i'm gonna stop. I need to go. Love you all!

Monday, June 21, 2010

Bonjour mes amours :/

So...I know I promised to put up the decision about france today. I talked with the family last night through skype and they got to meet my parents and went well, and we had a ton of things to consider legally, financially, personally, etc. It was such an agonizing that will change my life forever. Well, I've decided after much thought and consideration that $24,000 and a 4 year job contract is so much to pass up. And I would be leaving my family and friends for a full year and dropping out of school, delaying my graduation date by a full year and everything...I just can't do it this year. :(


Hahaha I tricked you all! After talking with the family, we all decided that this year was just too short notice, so the family offered the reserve the job for me next year instead, and I took it! I know i'm passing up a lot of scholarship money, but I can't let my absolute dream pass me up. there will always be school, and there will always be a need for nurses, but there won't always be a year in Paris. I'm SOOOOO excited, I can't even tell you all. Less than an hour after I decided to go, my whole family came out to our house to celebrate fathers day. No one in my family knew anything about this, so as they all walked in a got to say "I have some exciting news....I'm moving to Paris for a year!" haha it was so funny to just see their mouths drop open as they took that in. they're all very excited for me though, especially my aunt who is already planning shopping trips :)

I just can't believe it. If you've read my post that has my bucket list, you know that living in Europe and becoming fluent in another language are two very important things on my list that I plan to do before I die. Everyone who knows me is well aware of my passion for europe and other languages, but so many people always kinda laughed when I told them that I wanted to move to Europe and learn another language, because they always thought it was such a far-fetched impossible dream. Well, to all those people, I'll be sure to write you a postcard in french when I'm there! haha not only am I doing it, but i'm gonna do it before I'm even out of college! Go me!! :D

ok well I have to go, i have a swim meet today that i have to get ready for. I love you all, and thank you for all the support and advice you gave me about this decision, you really did influence me!

Sunday, June 20, 2010


i've kinda been ignoring the whole blogging thing again. I've been worrying about this whole France thing so much that I just haven't thought about anything else, sorry. I have to give the family in Paris an answer TONIGHT and to be completely honest, i have no idea what my decision is yet. But, by tomorrow, you all will know whether i'm going to live in France or not! *screams* I have been reading all of your posts though, and I still love you beautiful ladies!

Had the house alone for the weekend. The fam went to the lake and I stayed here to babysit and work. Love the kids I babysit though, and their parents love me too! I babysat just a little over 7 hours and made an easy 100 bucks! damn! i figured it out and i basically got payed 12 dollars an hour. shit, i need to do that more often! Anyway, having the house alone has been fun, I feel more independent and it helps me see that I would be ready to live completely on my own if I were to go to Paris. Different situation, but whatever. Should have thrown a wild party while they were gone haha

anyway, I just don't feel like blogging about anything relevant at the moment. I feel like doing something different. Now don't think i'm a bitch or that I complain too much or anything, but I've just noticed these small little things that annoy me, and so i decided to make a little list of "things i believe"...kinda blue collar comedy-esque. enjoy my ranting :)

1) Boys should never write about their emotions on a facebook status. That's just homosexual.

2) No one, I repeat NO ONE should EVER "like" their own statuses on facebook. You wrote it dipshit, we all knnow that you like it.

3) No OnE oVeR tHe AgE oF 13 sHoUlD eVeR tYpE lIkE tHiS.

4) Internet slang, or "ebonics" terms should never be used or especially written. A list of examples include "lyke" "wit" "yooh" "nd" "trippin" "ur" etc. See for some classic examples. If I have to put effort into trying to crack the code of your facebook status, then you really need to go back to school. In some instances, using shortened words is alright, but adding extra letters, intentionally misspelling words, and usuing horribly incorrect grammar just makes you look like a dumbass. Dumbass.

5) No girl should ever be afraid to be seen without make-up or their hair done. yeah, it makes us all look nicer, but when you straighten your hair and put on 6 layers of foundation and eyeshadow to go to the pool, trust me, you look like a high-maitenance slut. No guy wants that. And by the way, wearing foundation that is 10 shades to dark for you during the winter does NOT make you look tan. It makes you look like a child's art project.

6) Every girl who swims competitively, or even wears a bathing suit EVER for that matter, should practice the courtesy shave. No one wants to see all that sticking out of your bathing suit, it's gross. Just trim it up down there...for all of us.

7) Everyone should be allowed to get drunk or in general just make a fool out of themselves in the name of fun every now and then without getting judged. If you're judging someone for that, you probably have never done it yourself...and therefore I am judging you instead. If it's a weekly occurance, it's different, but if it only happens occasionally, lighten up.

8)Wearing socks with sandles. Just don't do it. Enough said.

9) Shut up when you're in a movie. Seriously, if someone wanted to talk to you, they wouldn't have gone to a MOVIE!! While affairs are occuring between old lovers and terrorists are blowing up cars with rocket launchers, I don't really want to hear about how you cleaned your room yesterday or what you named your pet fish. Deal with your short attention span and at least PRETEND to be watching the movie. You're annoying as shit.

10) Number 9 really only applies to when you're in the theatre or when you and your friends have rented the newest movie and have specifically planned to watch it together. Movies while at a boys house don't count.

11) I don't care how many guys/girls you've slept with or how many times you've gotten drunk so you don't need to brag about them. Plain and simple. If it involves a good story, then that's different, but otherwise...I just don't care.

12) Every girl should splurge on bras and panties. They're the only things you wear every single day of youir life (hopefully) so they better be pretty freakin comfortable and make you feel damn sexy.

13) Thou shalt not judge another person's singing. Some of us aren't the next american idol, but nothing feels better than to belt out your favorite song, so don't deprive us of that.

14) New goggles are one of the simple joys in life. Until you put your fingers in them and accidentally wipe out all the anti-fog. All swimmers should know what I'm talking about.

15) If a story is less than a minute long, only involves you, and doesn't include phrases such as "then the cops came" "then they took their clothes off" "then i saw the pope" or "then they said 'what are you using THAT for?!'" then your "good story" probably sucks and you shouldnt be telling it. Stop teasing me with your false promises of an epic adventure.

16) Crocs never look good. I shouldn't have to elaborate on this.

17) While you're on your period, every girl should be entitled to eat whatever they want without feeling guilty and bitch about anything and everything freely. If we have to suffer through this once a month for 3/4 of our life just to prepare our bodies to gain 50 pounds and push a child out of our vagina, we should be entitled to do whatever we damn well please.

18) Parents of a child over the age of 10 and anyone under the age of "high school" shouldn't have a facebook. As you can see, a lot about facebook kinda annoys me. Middle schoolers...go to myspace. Parents of teenagers, if you're going to have one...respect your child's privacy and don't force them to be your facebook friend. You're their parent, not their friend. It's like reading their diary. That's just cruel.

19) Everyone should create a bucket list (even if it is just mentally) and try their hardest to complete everything. Life is short.

20) People should somehow have to obtain a license to have sex and reproduce. The fact that I even have to say this is just embarassing.

Okay so sorry I'm bitching...but i think we all have little beliefs like this, and it's pretty fun to actually write them down. I'm not a bitch, I promise. :) ok well i'm done for now, get excited for my next post which will probably be about Paris! Ahhhh!!!

Wednesday, June 16, 2010


Ok so this was completely unexpected...I stepped on the scale yesterday and I weighed 144 or 145, I step on again today after practice, and the scale says 142! ahh thats another 2 pounds lost! So excited! I don't know how I managed to do that in just a day, but i'll take it! Hey skinny, here I come!

OK so that you all so much for the comments and advice about the whole france thing. I still have no idea what to do, but I am goign to skype with the family today and hopefully that will help persuade me one way or another. Really nervous but excited at the same time!

Oh and the pcitures of the tornado are on my mom's camera, and I think she brought it with her to work today, so I can't put them on the computer right now, but I promise I will later! it's super cool! Ok so just a quick little update...gotta go get ready to skype with France! haha Je t'aime!

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

So...i can never think of a good title for posts, so just read it please.

Ok so today was a little bit of an emotional rollercoaster for me. You know the whole france thing? Well I wasn't sure if I could do it because I have a couple of scholarships to school and I didn't know if I could quit school for a year and still have my scholarships when I returned. Well ok so my biggest scholarship is through a hospital, and basically they pay $6,000 a year for my schooling. For ever $6,000 they pay me, I've agreed to work for them for 1 year when I get out of school. It's a pretty amazing deal. But, if I change my major or decide not to work for them, etc. I have to pay all the money back.

So I call the people in charge of that scholarship today, explain my situation, and ask them if there was any way I could postpone my scholarship for a year in order to take this incredible opportunity. I mean, i didn't think it would be a huge problem, my grades were AWESOME this year, I assured them that I would be returning to school the following fall, and even if I didn't, they wouldn't lose a single penny of their money because I would still be required to pay them back. Well of course, for some reason they still said no, that if I left for a year I would have to pay them the $6,000 back from last year and they would drop me from the scholarship program. *sigh* After I hung up with them I just burst into tears. This is my dream...i mean my absolute dream. But I always told myself that if I would lose my scholarships, then I would stay here and in school. I also prayed about this a lot, (i'm a very religous person whether it shows in my blog or not) and I basically told God that I was giving this decision to him, and that if I wasn't meant to go, that he would make that choice clear.

So I spent a good few hours being depressed over that today. But then I was at lunch with my mom and sister, and my mom was talking about her job and how it is so mundane and she gets tired of doing the same thing over and over again every single day, and how you just have to do what makes you happy in life. Right then and there, a little voice pops into my head. Okay, so it actually wasn't so little, it was more like a loud screaming voice....

"Frenzy, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" it said "you have the rest of your life to go to school and get your degree. You will probably NEVER have another chance to live right in the heart of Paris, and actually get PAID to do so. THIS IS YOUR DREAM! WHY ARE YOU GIVING THAT UP?!"

so this raises the question. How much would you sell your dreams for? Apparently in my case, I have to decide if my dream is worth more than the $24,000 in scholarship money that I would be giving up. This voice in my head is screaming "GO! GO! GO! GO YOU IDIOT, GET SOME STUDENT LOANS AND DON'T LET THIS OPPORTUNITY PASS YOU!"

I dont know guys...I'm so practical when it comes to my education. I take it SO seriously...I'm a pretty free spirit and I love to make new adventures in my life...but i have ALWAYS put my school first. I'm so scared....but then again, I don't want to be 50 years old thinking back on my 25+ years of work, sighing and thinking of what could have been. I want to be 50 years old and telling my kids "you know, when I was 18, I dropped everything and moved to France for a year. I was scared out of my mind, but I survived, and you know what? somehow everything worked out for me in the end. I don't know what I was so afraid of, it was one of the best decisions of my life."

I mean, i'm going into healthcare, i'm gonna be a nurse, so i'll probably always be able to find a job right? But $24,000 and a guaranteed 4 year job contract straight out of school is so much to just throw away for a year. But like I said, i'm really religous,a dn I asked God to make my choice clear. Do you think this was him telling me that i'm not meant to go? I dont know guys...I feel like you all can see this from a completely practical and outsiders point of view, but I still see you all as someone who knows the true me and is basically a best friend. So what would you all do?

Sorry for the incredibly long/emotional/confusing post. Like i said, my mind is always in a frenzy (hence my name) and sometimes i just can't think through it on my own. thanks for always being there for me guys..and sorry this blog has centered so little around the weight issue lately (which is what it is supposed to be about) but this is my life, and sometimes i just need help. thanks for always being so positive and caring about all this, you guys are really amazing people...inside and out, and i truely mean that.

In weight loss news, I had a swim meet last night, and afterwards the whole team went out to dinner at BW3's. I was soo hungry, but i stayed strong enough to resist! I waited until I got home then had another bowl of special K cereal, so i'm really proud! Today wasn't so great, but the scale still says 144 so i'm not upset. Btw, i think i need to get a new scale. it's pretty old and i don;t think its that it only measures by whole pounds, so i can't tell hwne i lose or gain at all! hmm...i'll add that to the shopping list lol Back to 2 practices a day tomorrow. That makes it a whole lost easier to lose because that 4 hours a day when I literally can't eat or think about food, and i'm actually working off calories. I seriously CANNOT wait to see those pounds start dropping off the scale again. that will be SO exciting.

Oh yeah, and we had some really bad storms at my house toay, but I was looking outside right before it started, and a fucking TORNADO was forming just down the street from our house! it was tiny, and never actually formed into anything dangerous, but you could see it coming down from the clouds and touching the ground and it was legit spinning. It was crazy. A real tornado outside my house. Jeeze. we have pictures, so maybe i'll upload them later so you can see. Glad it didn't turn into anything big, but for a good half hour you could see little fingers and funnels dropping out of this wall of clouds by my house. it was pretty scary!

ok so this emotional rollercoaster had come to an end. Hope you all enjoyed the ride and didn't puke your lunch up (haha huge pun intended i'm so lame.) but i think i'm actually gonna try to go to sleep before 3 am tonight. See you all tomorrow!

Monday, June 14, 2010

Oh. My. God.

I'm speechless right now. I can't even accurately put into words what I want to say. I'm so excited. OMG. Lilah Lee, you especially will like this considering we've been talking about taking a trip to France/learning french. Ok so if anyone remembers, I made a few short mentions about the possibility of me going to live in France. Well the reason that this is a possibility is because a few months ago a family friend told us about a friend of hers who lives in Paris and was looking for an american to come live with them in France for a year and help to teach their children english. Well naturally, this is my absolute DREAM so I told her that I would definitely be interested, but there were many more people interested above I never thought that I would get an offer. Well as school started to wind down, more people turned down the job, until it got to me! Well I emailed the lady in France and asked her for more information, and I got back an email that basically said "i'll be getting in touch with you shortly." Well that was around a month and a half ago and I never heard anything else so I basically gave up on the idea. WELLLL as I was fighting another phase of insomnia last night, I just happened to check my email, and I got another email from the lady! AND THEY WANT ME BAD! They have 2 kids, and I would be babysitting them for about 4 hours a day. They would also be paying me about $90 a week, which is pretty damn good for me! BUT HERES THE BEST PART

They live right in the heart of walking distance from the eiffel tower! She said that they didn't have room for me in their apartment, but her parents live only 10 minutes away, and they have a one bedroom apartment available in their building that I could have....AND IT OVERLOOKS THE EIFFEL TOWER!!!


I'm so FREAKING excited! My parents are still not sure about the whole thing, and it would take a TON of work to put off school for a year and scholarships and everything, and I've only gotten to French 102 in school, but how AMAZING would that be?! I would LIVE IN FREAKING PARIS, FRANCE FROM SEPTEMBER TO JUNE! GAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please keep your fingers crossed for me. European culture/languages is seriously a passion of mine, and this is my absolute dream job!

Ok so I stepped on the scale today...still 144. No loss, but no gain either so i'll take it. I mean seriously nothing could put me in a bad mood right now. Also, Lilah...your rocks are so freakin cute! And i'm so honored to have my own beautiful rock! haha what an awesome idea and a great way to stay motivated. I wish I was that creative! Ok so I can't let you all down, I promise I'm gonna work my ass of this week and start losing some major weight! Plus, I have to start getting in shape before september so I can fit into those gorgeous french dresses! *screams* ok I'm gonna go finish hyperventilating now! Love you guys!

Sunday, June 13, 2010

for all those chocolate lovers out there....a.k.a everyone!

ok so this is a pretty pointless post (wow, trying saying that 10 times fast!) but i just have to share my new discovery with you all. chocolate. ice cream. 130 calories. Yes, you heard right. I've discovered god's gift to women...light chocolate ice cream bars with chocolate chips and chocolate fudge dipped in a chocolate shell of fabulousness!

heaven. absolute heaven. 130 calories isn't that much for a snack at all, and it definitely satifies that chocolatly craving we all get. Go try it. Now.

But i'll admitt, I didn't really pay attention AT ALL in nutrition class this year. It was so boring, and I had a really shitty professor. I'm thinking there has to be a catch to this. So i'm posting the nutrition facts for it on here. But, if it's that bad, honestly i'd almost rather not know...because it is just SO worth it.

Serving Size: 1 Bar Servings Per Container: 6
Calories 130
Total fat 6g
Saturated fat 4g
Trans fat 0g
Cholesterol less than 5mgmg
Sodium 45mg
Total Carbohydrates 17g
Dietary fiber 4g
Sugars 13g
Sugar Alcohol
Protein 2g
Vitamin A 2%
Vitamin C 0%
Calcium 6%
Iron 6%

Hmmm ok well besides that, i've done very well today. I had a little mini donut at church this morning (about 54 clas), but hey, you can't resist EVERYTHING...and i just ate one, so i don't feel so bad. Then I had a healthy choice steamer for lunch. chicken marinara, only 260 calories, and it was actually really good. Man, where has all this good tasting healthy food been all along?! But the steam burned my hand really bad when i got it out of the microwave! Boo, being healthy is painful! then i had a granola bar, which was 180 calories. then dinner. The fam went to taco bell. I'm not a huge fan, but I definitely could have gotten something there, but NOPE. Taco bell will not defeat me I say! I ate special K cereal with some fresh strawberries and blueberries instead. *pats myself on the back* Much more satisfying then those crappy tacos :) then I got another craving, had another half of a granola bar (90 cals) and just finished it all up with my ice cream--130 calories.

So total today: about 914 calories

Not bad. Not exercising today though, but not really worried. 914 is WAYYYY down from what I used to eat each day, so I should still be losing :)

Btw... HUUUGEEEEE shoutout and high five to wilted rose for her 13 pounds weight loss and lilah lee for 11 pounds! wow, you ladies just amaze me--plain and simple. Hopefully i'll be catching up to you all soon...should find out tomorrow! Stay strong and positive, I already love you all just like i've known you my whole life! So proud! I say when we all become skinny minnies and reach our goal weights, we should have some sort of celebration! Ideas?
A much needed update, i'm aware. You know how I said i was soooo hyper for a few days? well that definitely wore off, and now i'm just too lazy to do anything...including updating this blog. But i miss it, and even if i'm not updating, i'm still reading everyone's, so I just want to say how proud of you all I am! You're doing so great!

Well I feel like I've been on the worlds longest period this month. Its seriously been like a month straight. Jeeze. So i've stayed bloated and the last two days were those two days where you just cant stop eating. You all know what i'm talking about? I feel like most people have a few days during their period where no matter how much you eat you still feel like youre starving? I hope so, I know I definitely do. So instead of my one day off, I kinda took a weekend off. But i'm back on track now and feel much better!

Ok so yesterday I had some friends over to watch the USA vs. England world cup game. One of the guys that came over was one of my best guy friends from high school. This guy and I, well, I can't say we ever really had a history per say but there was definitely always something there. When we met sophomore year, I was already dating my douchebag ex boyfriend--whom i will call nick--but this guy, evan, and I instantly became really close. Now i've never really told you about my relationship with nick, but to sum it all up, it was just very bad. I dated him for about 3 years, but he was incredibly emotionally abusive (which I couldn't realize at the time because I was so depressed and basically brainwashed) and i confided all of my pain in evan. And I always thought evan was cute, and I always was pretty sure he liked me too. Well when nick and I finally "broke up" my senior year (and let me just tell you, even though we were broken up, nick still controlled my entire life basically) i was kinda hoping to start something with evan. Well at this point, however, he had gotten a girlfriend whom he was SOO in love with, so nothing ever happened.

Well we stayed friends, and he started texting me a few days ago, which is fine, but i just feel like something is different. He's broken up with his girlfriend, but hes still so in love with her and wants her back. Like I said, evan and I always shared everything with each other, so I guess this shouldn't be that weird, but his texts are all flirty. Like every single one pretty much revolved around what i had done in college--sex and drinking wise and stuff. Then he tells me how much he misses his gf and everything, but hes still flirting with me. But THEN, he comes over to my house, brings another girl I know, and is over the top flirting with her...and she also has a really serious boyfriend. I don't know what to do, I mean, I'm positive that I don't like evan anymore, but I'm not sure if keeping him around as a friend is a great choice either. I just wonder if he's still just trying to be as close as we once were, or is trying to hook up with me as a "rebound girl" kind of thing. I don't know, I guess it's not really a big deal or anything, but I was just curious to see what you all think and to let you know more about whats going on in my life.

OK well hopefully I should be finished with this bloating tomorrow, so i'll weigh myself then and let you all know my progress! *fingers crossed* have a lovely day, and think you all for all the support on my last post! I took down the pictures just to make myself feel a little better, but it feels so good to have your alls love behind me!

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Just some more daily thoughts

Got back on the scale today. 145. Thats one pound up than what is was a few days ago, but like i've said, I'm on day 3 of my period, so of course I'm really bloated. I simply can NOT wait until my period is over and I can weigh myself then, because i know that I will have dropped some massive weight. So. Freaking. EXCITED! Maybe this is all in my head, but i swear I can see a difference in my body. Not a huge one, but it seems like in the past 2 weeks or so i've really started to be able to see my abs more, which is a huge plus. I don't know if I'm imagining this or not, but hey, if i'm waking up in the morning and actually beginning to like what I see in the mirror, then i dont care if i gain 20 long as i'm comfortable with myself.

Like I said yesterday...Wilted Rose and Lilah Lee are hands down the most incredible girls in the world. I'm so grateful to both of you for the shoutouts, so i'm doing the same thing. Everyone should check out the links to their blogs on the side of my page. Go read and fall in love with them too! Trust me, you won't regret it.

By the way, WR and Lilah..I saw you guys mention putting pictures up...i've been tempted to do the same thing lately. I think it could be inspirational to myself and to others, but i'm still afraid of putting pictures of me up and getting caught. Of course, if anyone I knew was to read this, i'm sure it would be BLATANTLY obvious that they know me, but still...putting up pictures is a huge risk. Maybe if I could make a post that only my followers could see? Is that possible...does anyone know how to do that? Maybe then I would do it. Hmmm.....

In other news, my sister is back in town for the summer. I'm currently grinning from ear to ear. I absolutely love my sissy. I've missed her. :) Oh and I FINALLY got a good nights sleep last night. I actually feel more tired today though than the past two days. Doesn't that always seem to happen...the more sleep you get the more tired you feel? Weird how that happens. Hmm...i feel like I have more things to write about, but I just can't think of them right be prepared for possible more posts/updates later today!

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

I've really been committed to this lately. I think after all this time of trying to figure out what works for me, I've finally found it. I've decided that I don't need to fast all day to lose weight, I CAN eat during the day, and not feel so guilty about it as long as I still watch how many calories im taking in and make healthy choices. And of course, exercise. Always exercise. Thank you to Wilted Rose and Lilah Lee for helping me realize that staying positive and making good choices is the best path to take; I just found and started following your blogs recently, but I was instantly hooked to both of them and you ladies don't know what an inspiration you've been to me, so thank you! And if anyone else is on here reading, you should totally go check out their blogs and get yourself hooked also!

Been doing really well lately. BY everything that I can figure, I estimate (and trust me, this is a COMPLETE estimation, because it is impossible to figure this out exactly) I've burned about 400-500 more calories than i've eaten today. Exercising like crazy. Yay me :)

Still haven't been able to sleep lately though. Have absolutely no idea why. It's just like my body just all the sudden decided to reject sleep. I told you I only slept for 2 hours on monday night, well I came home exhausted last night, went to bed at 11 and fell right asleep, but still only managed to get in about 4 hours of sleep. So that brings me to a total of 6 hours of sleep in the past 2 days, despite the fact that i'm working and practicing twice a day, running a mile each day, i'm on my period, and not eating a lot of food. Doesn't really make sense at all, but hey, I'll take it. Whatever. You would also think that I would be tired when I come home from my first practice and take a nap. Nope, not even the least. Today I came home after morning practice and cleaned. I hate cleaning, and yet I cleaned the entire to the point where I was at one point literally down on my hands and knees scrubbing dirt and dust off the baseboards. WTF. Crazy.

Anyway, I didn't weigh in today. I try to fight the urge and just weigh myself every few days so that I see a more definite i'll let you know in a couple days if i've lost any. :)

Hope you ladies are doing well and reaching your goals.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Good news and sunshine makes an entire day incredible

I hardly ever update more than once a day, but today calls for some celebration! my day has been going great so far.

calorie count thus far today:

10 strawberries~ 25 calories
1 piece of french vanilla bread~ 150 calories
2 cups diet green tea- 0 calories
1 hour swimming ~ -500 (as best i can figure online)
1 mile running ~ -100

total: ~ -425

!!!!!!! WHAT?!!!! YES YES YES!!!!

ANDDDDDD I conquered my scale phobia today and took a little hop on...144!

I'm on my period too, so I should be pretty bloated. I'm just confused though, I diet hasn't been going all that great, and today was my first practice since thursday night...I have NO idea, but I'll take it. Yes I will!

Plus, I have work/practice AGAIN tonight, so more calories to burn! And I'm not even the slightest bit hungry yet!

Losing weight is almost better than Christmas when you were a little kid. I mean, at least for me, I was positive that every christmas morning I would wake up to a tree full of presents without having to work for them at all. But losing weight, Oh that is something you have to work for, just YOU and nobody else. That is something you can actually be proud of, and seeing the pounds drop is one of the best presents you can ever give yourself.

So freaking happy today.

The blog has also undergone some major updates. It needed it. Reading all of your beautiful blogs made me want one too.

Also, I personally thank each one of you followers. If I didn't have this blog, I would probably be GAINING weight instead of losing. It's such great motivation. I mean I jsut couldn't bare to get on here and tell you all that I've gained 10 pounds or something. And the comments and just reading how well you all are doing inspire me to stick with it and get results like you all are, so THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU LOVIES!

Well, It's fabulous to be in a good mood. I hope you ladies are just as happy as I am. Now get motivated, get out there, and reach your goals! The smallest little bit feels so good!

Thoughts from a sleepless night

It's 7:30 am, and I SO wish that I was sleeping right now. I fell asleep at 2:30 am, woke up at 4:30, and have been awake ever since. Just laying in my bed, watching my room get lighter and lighter. I have no idea why I didn't sleep last night. Of course, I've always had some sleeping problems, and I'm awake until 2:30 or so almost every night, but at least when I fall asleep, I like to stay asleep. Apparently not last night though. *sigh* oh well.

So other random thoughts. I don't know if I've said this, but I love to cook. I mean, absolutely love it. I'm well aware of how ironic that is, but hey, I'm also well aware that I am a walking irony.

I'll embrace that.

Well, I love to cook for people, so last night I invited my grandparents over to have a big dinner with me and my family. Normally, my whole cooking thing isn't a problem, because it's simply the actual act of cooking the food that brings me joy, not necessarily eating it, so it's easy for me to resist my own food and only eat very small portions of it if I eat it at all. So yesterday I'm fixing an elaborate meal (the most complicated one I've ever attempted on my own) and irony slaps me in the face once again. Irony part 2: I have some pretty severe/frequent episodes of hypoglycemia. If I don't eat, my blood sugar drops very low, and I start to shake, I become incredibly nervous, lightheaded, can't think straight, etc. I've gotten pretty good at telling when this is starting though, so usually if I eat something small I instantly feel better. But I guess since I was up moving around so much and cooking yesterday, I didn't feel it coming until it was too late. My sugar dropped to one of the lowest levels I've ever felt.

Enter uncontrollable shaking and borderline panic attack.

At this point, I'm in the process of handling raw chicken for my main dish, and I'm already running a little late and having trouble with the whole dish, and I just lost it. I stop everything, wash my hands real fast, then run and get some lemonade and peanut butter crackers. My mom sees me sitting in the kitchen chair shaking, and offers to help with the chicken, but I tell her just to give me a minute and I would be fine. I guess since I had let it get so low, however, it took much longer for me to get better. Like I said, when this happens, I get EXTREMELY nervous and can't think straight, so as I'm struggling to make this complicated chicken dish, I just have a nervous breakdown. I start crying my eyes out, my mom freaks out and thinks that I've just stressed myself out too much, and that I need to calm down, but I just can't. She has to cook the rest of the chicken while I sit there and cry.

I eventually got better after I ate some dinner, and I was just fine after that. But I was thinking....I'm a really religious person and am one of those "everything happens for a reason" kind of people, so I'm wondering if I was meant to have this hypoglycemia. I also have a stomach problem which requires me to eat a lot of small meals throughout the day or else I'll feel sick. If anyone out there believes in God and is pretty religious, then hopefully you can see where I'm coming from.

Do you think God gave me these weird problems that require me to eat so often, and my passion for cooking because he knew that without them, I would have a pretty strong eating disorder?

But why, if that is true, did he create me with such a low self esteem and such a love for food--which would in turn make me fat and fuel the eating disorder?

Does any of this make sense? I may just be rambling a load of nonsense stemming from my sleepless night.

Ughhhh, have to "get up" in an hour and go to work/practice until noon, then meeting my friends at the pool at 3, then work/practice again until 8. Looks like nap time wont happen today. Maybe I'll use my 3 free hours to fit in a little more exercise. I've been absolutely dying to go running lately, but it's just too damn hot outside. I hate being hot. I hate being cold though too. Yet another case of what a walking contradiction I am.

Long post, but I'm almost finished I swear. A huge THANK YOU to all of my followers. It's a little pathetic how excited I am to know that other people out there actually find my boring life interesting, even if it is only like 6 people. And all of the encouraging comments are awesome. Just like you. You are all awesome, awesome ladies. Love you all with all of my heart. I love SO much to read your all's blogs and hear about what's up in your lives as well, and I'm wishing you ALL the best of luck and am so proud of what you all have accomplished. Hope you all have had a better few days then I have!

Sunday, June 6, 2010

No pain...but LOTS of gain. Worth it?

First of all, I want to apologize for the former post. Like I said, I don't like to disappoint anyone, and I maybe flipped out a little. Luckily, I think (and mostly hope) that everything will work out and that my boss doesn't find out. Even if he does, however, I'm basically like a daughter to him and he knows how hard I've worked in the past, so hopefully he'll let it go. With that said, thank you all for the encouraging comments...I need some of that to bring me back down to earth occasionally.

Now on to news from the world of blogarexia. I'm going off birth control. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about it either. Going on the pill was a must for me--I had cramps so tremendous that I was reduced to a heap of writhing human curled up in the fetal position on the bathroom floor for several days. So I went to the doctor, and after 4 different kinds of pills that didn't make a single difference (except the one marvelous brand that kept me on my period for 2 1/2 months straight) I finally found luck with the 5th brand and have been glorious ever sense. Why am I telling you all the gritty details of my reproductive tract? Well, because it directly relates to the whole goal to lose weight.

You see, when I wasn't on the pill, I weighed maybe just over 120 pounds, and looked great. Now, 3 years later into present time, I've come to 150 pounds. I'll be honest, not all of that weight gain was because of the medication, I mean I quit my competitive sports team and basically cut my daily exercise in half without at all reducing my daily calorie intake, HOWEVER, about 15 or so of those pounds seemed to pop up overnight. I never really realized it until now, after my mom brought it up to me, but I think quitting the pill for a while might make a huge difference. I'm afraid that the pain will come back though, or that it won't make a bit of difference in my weight, but I feel like I have to try it. Plus, I'm not having sex, so it's not like I'm particularly sacrificing anything in that area.

Has anyone had a similar experience with the pill--the weight gain I mean? Or has anyone ever gone off of it and noticed a difference in any way? Just curious.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

freaking out.

I missed work today. I honestly have no idea how. I was supposed to work this morning at 9:15, and i woke up at 9:30, got up, went outside, spent some time with my family, just like everything was perfect. Now, at 11:00, my sister says

"what? no work today?"

my stomach immediately drops. yes, work today. OF COURSE I HAVE WORK ON SATURDAY!

"well mom was going to wake you up but she didn't think your Saturday work had started yet."

of course it had started. I missed last Saturday because we were on vacation, but I don't have an excuse for today! oh my gosh I'm going to get fired. Such a failure. I don't know why it completely slipped my mind. People were there to cover for me, I know; and my boss is out of town; and most people know I'm usually not in town on the weekends so it's not unusual for me to not be there on Saturdays, but I think they all know I was here this weekend. I don't know what to do. I'm freaking out, and the stress caused me to eat a piece of pizza. At 10:30 in the morning! UGHHHH.

I'm probably overreacting, but I take my job very seriously, and I don't like to let people down or disappoint them. I feel so horrible.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

I have fish! ...And a schoolbus?

So i'm back from vacation (yayy!) and i was playing around on blogger today when i discovered that you can put goldfish at the bottom of your blog! I'm just lame enough that this excites me beyond measure. So take a short trip to the bottom of my blog and play with/feed my beautiful fish!

Ok so back to more important things. Took a vacation with my entire family this weekend. Utterly horrendous. I've now reached the point of being so grotesquely overweight that i'm even embarrassed to be around my family in a bathing suit. It was like torture for me to even take off my t-shirt in 90+ degree weather. Worse, I was forced to look at my sister the entire trip, who has the body of a goddess, and know that my family (especially my mother) was probably comparing us the whole time thinking "wow...frenzy has really packed on the pounds." Even worse yet, as dreadful as I felt, the worst part is that, as i mentioned earlier, my family loves huge meals when were on vacation. I had a HUGE and fattening breakfast every morning, lunch and candy/snacks constantly during the day, and another HUGE fattening dinner every night. So as fat as I felt, I just made myself fatter. Oh the irony.

Today though, I havent consumed a single calorie and I vow that it is going to stay that way until around 9 o'clock tonight when I get home from practice. Hell, if i make it that long though, I might as well just make the day a complete fast, right? Maybe. If i'm strong enough...which I probably won't be.

Got some nice tan lines though. Not that I'll want to actually show them to anyone anytime soon, what with the massive layer of fat they encompass. But the weather was nice. Another plus.

.....And there is a huge yellow schoolbus parked in my neighbors driveway. ...Not really sure why it's there. This should be interesting. Kinda want to ask what thats all about....but then again, no. I'll just keep imagining myself sneaking over in the middle of the night and taking the bus for a joyride, how fun would that be?! Ok, so lame. So sorry. Hope you wonderful readers are doing well, let me know what you've been up to!