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Saturday, July 31, 2010


i don't really feel liek writing a lot tonight.
niagra was pretty cool...i could have seen it all in 30 minutes though instead of spending a full 2 days there, but whatever, i love having time with my family. Eating didn't go so well, i expected to not be able to count my calories while i was there, but the family also stopped at like the only 2 fast food places that I didnt look up calories for...figures.

today went pretty well eating wise.
I wanted to try to fast again today, and am really happy to say that i distracted myself with another day of cleaning shit out of my room, so i made it all the way until dinner. Im guessing i had around 600-700 calories today, not bad. i feel like i look very fat today though. like more than ever. I want to lose weight SO look in the mirror and not feel like a cow, to not pick at every flaw of my body, to not wake up every day and pinch the skin aorund my bones in hopes that my fat has magically disappeared. I NEED to lose weight, badly. im getting very dedicated and almost obsessive with this diet though lately, and it seems like i'm never cutting back enough. Even when I fasted, i still thought i could go longer...exercise more.

I wonder how out of control im going to let this get. Lately i've been thinking a lot about this and i keep asking myself the question "if i woke up tomorrow and was magiacally my ideal weight, would I...actually COULD i stop?"
could i stop coutning calories?
could i stop obsessing?
would i finally be happy with myself and quit?
It's scary, but i feel like i couldn' this is some necessary part of my life now that i can't live without.
If i woke up tomorrow at my goal weight and skinny i don't think i could stop this restriction.

what do you all think you would do?

Tuesday, July 27, 2010


i did it!

i made it then entire day without a SINGLE calorie entering my body!

Honestly, i didn't torture myself either. It was really pretty easy. I started cleaning the house as soon as I woke up and I didn't stop all day...I cleaned the house then went specifically to my room and cleaned out all this old junk I had. it was so liberating. Plus, it took me seriously like forever, so by the time I even got to sit it was 8 o'clock or so. that's the first time I actually noticed that I was hungry (and that's only because i started watching the damn food network) but i resisted, and i made it the whole day.

I drank a shit ton of water too today. I have a feeling i'm gonna have to piss all night tonight haha and all the cleaning was bound to burn some calories right? I mean it was like a solid 10 hours of cleaning. shit, i could eat off these floors! ...or walls..or carpets...or even the fucking bathroom floors for as deep as i cleaned.

anyway, i feel great, but i don't think i'll make it too long tomorrow. i'll probably eat as soon as possible. I'm super hungry right now because i took it upon myself to prepare diet-wise for any possible fast food stops on our vacation this week. i went to every fast food website i could imagine and compared seriously like every menu item to find out the foods with the lowest calories and seriously, those fast food places are some disgusting little fuckers. Really, i knew they were bad, but when you take the time to actually look at all their menu items...jeeze! And seriously guys, i suggest that every one of you do the same thing i did and make a list of possible menu choices from each place for when you have to get something! Don't fall for those a couple places (especially burger king) you can almost have several cheeseburgers for the amount of calories that is in one salad!

anyway, tomorrow will be a lot of driving and a lot of shopping. we're driving up to niagara falls, but we're gonna stop at a few outlet malls along the way...super excited for the clothes, and hopefully i'll look much skinnier after my first ever fast!

Ok well i have to go to sleep, i'm literally EXHAUSTED for all the work and i need to get my mind off food. Plus, i have to wake up super early tomorrow to leave for vacation!

I seriously love you all so much and thank you for the wonderful comments/advice i've been getting! I haven't had the time to respond yet but i really do read and appreciate every single one and every single post from the blogs i'm following! they make my day :D love you ladies and stay strong whjile i'm gone these next few days...hopefully we'll all have a lot to share when i return!


today my whole family is gone. They're moving my sister into her new house (well, all of her furniture anyway) so i'm home alone for the majority of the day. Last night after sulking about all the calories vacation tempts me (and basically causes me) to consume, I was struck in the head with a brilliant idea: tomorrow you should fast.

duh! ive been wanting to fast for forever, and have just never been able to. I don't have to opportunity much (since my parents would definitely notice if I didn't eat dinner) and when I do, I've never been able to make it the entire day. I'm determined today though. On friday last week the scale finally said 140 again, and ooohhhhh if I could finally get down into the 130's i don't know what I would do. I would probably piss myself with excitement.....

or maybe I would just be really happy about it. No one likes an incontinent 18 year old.

so i'm going to lose this weight. I have a month left until school starts, and tomorrow I leave for real vacation to Niagara (which will most likely mean a lot more eating) so today I need to prepare my body for those calories. Tomorrow I will also try not to eat very much. My nutrition teacher once said that it takes two days of absolute fasting for your body to exit the starvation mode and to start burning fat. well, I only have one day, but tomorrow will be a full day of driving, so hopefully I can make it a while without eating. Hmm....maybe some allergy medicine? My allergies have been horrible anyway, and it will cause me to not be hungry. We'll see. I definitely don't like taking a bunch a pills to lose just seems too unhealthy to me, but just once....

I'm being forced to play housewife today. while the family is gone, i'm in charge of cleaning the entire house. Joy. I don't really mind though, it keeps my mind of being hungry and it burns calories :) I'm drinking a TON of water today too. that's one of my biggest problems...i hate drinking. at meals, i'll drink like 2 full glasses of water, but any other time its almost torture to drink. My body just doesn't need the liquid. But it's so much better for you, and helps keep you full.

And hello there new followers :) nice to see you guys. take of you shoe, kick back, relax, and stay a while. Or don't. I'm just delighted to have you drop by now and then. I'll try my best to be a good hostess and entertain.

Ok, well i've taken a long enough break from the cleaning...i need to get back to that. prepare for possible updates today, but starting tomorrow I will be on vacation and probably won't have a lot of opportunities to post, so stay patient. blog often so i have some juicy stories to read about your wonderful strength and progress when i return! I love you guys!

Sunday, July 25, 2010

hiding out

my calorie intake in the last 24 hours is through the roof. there is absolutely nothing else I can say.

I went to a party last night and got wasted, as always. about 4 games of beer pong + one huge mixed drink with wiskey + 3 shots of wiskey + 3 jello shots= one drunken frenzy.
So much fun though. AND I resisted the urge to make-out with this guy who was completely flirting with me the whole night. Is it sad that i'm proud of myself for that? I don't give a flying fuck. I'm just doing whatever makes me happy. Plain and simple.

Anyway, last night, somewhere between stumbling around this house covered in glow in the dark paint and making friends with this random guy who brought a fucking didgeridoo to this party....i got the hiccups. badly. damn beer. so after like a half hour of dealing with this i decided i'd had more than enough. I had to do something to make them go away. I looked like an ass. Anyway, my solution? Go make myself throw-up. Now, here's my logic (and yes, i WAS actually talented enough to think my way through this while I couldn't even walk a straight line) Hiccups are a spasm of the diaphragm. Caused by an excess of alcohol in my system. if i throw up, not only would I be getting the alcohol out, but I would put enormous pressure on my diaphragm so it would shock it into quitting. Sounds plausible, right? Went to the bathroom, and tried for like 10 minutes to throw up. Like I stuck my fingers so far down my throat I swear I felt my stomach (exaggeration, of course.) And I gagged a few times, but nothing else. I seriously can NOT make myself throw up. plus, I figured "i'm so drunk, this won't even feel bad. And goodbye calories." wow, the inner thoughts of an alcoholic. pure poetry. Anyways, nothing. I am literally incapable of purging. God forbid I ever accidentally swallow poison or something, cause that shit wont be coming up.

So this morning, my friend wakes me up and wants to go to qdoba for a breakfast burrito. Anyone who has ever been drunk knows how good the breakfast the next morning is (sans hangover, of course. But oh, i'm just fortunate enough to never get those) completely enjoyed every delicious bite of that fattening burrito....until it was gone than I hated myself. fuck you, delicious food, fuck you.

Long story short, i'm taking today as a free day (and considering last night's binge as part of that.) family--well, mostly my mother--is trying to decide whether or not to go to the lake for the next 2 days or not. Mom is getting more or more frustrated that she can't decide, so i'm hiding out in my room right now in a feeble attempt to avoid the inevitable explosion that is my mother's rage. Somehow it will all be my fault too. I love living at home.

Dear college,
My second year of freedom in your comforting dorms in exactly one month away. I've missed you so much...I think about you every day and it kills me to be apart from you for so long. I look so forward to the smile that will cross my face the moment I see you again. Time cannot move quickly enough. I think I should move in.
My most sincere love,

dear god i think i may still be drunk. I'm gonna go before I act any more like a freak. love you ladies, keep losing!

Thursday, July 22, 2010

so far, so good

Since I quit swimming, i've now vowed to myself that i'm REALLY going to work hard on not eating so much. It's easier now, because I don't have team dinners to go to, etc. BUT now I don't practice and coach twice a day, so i'm really not burning any calories :( I want to start running again, but it's just so HOT outside, and even worse, it's HUMID. it just feels horrible out there, and i'm a terrible runner to begin with so if I take it up now i'll probably die out there haha anyone have any good suggestions for fun workouts I can do in my house?

and sorry i took down the pictures...I really wanted to keep them up this time, but I saw on my profile tracker that someone from my city had been on to view my profile. It's kidna strange because it just showed up when I clicked "view post" and it said someone from my city had visited 0 seconds at the EXACT same time I had clicked view post, but it's not supposed to show up when I look at my own profile. I don't know, it's kinda weird, but I just freaked out and i'm not ready for anyone I know to be reading this, so I just thought it was better to take them down. Sorry :/ hopefully i'll work up courage again soon.

I don't really know what else to post. Shit, i'm boring again. My apologies. Hopefully i'm going to another party this weekend, so maybe then i'll have some awesome drunk stories to tell you about or something. Haha, i don't know.

I'm going to break down and weigh myself again tomorrow. I promised myself once a week only, but i can't stand it. Plus, i've been doing really well with my diet these last two days. Probably no more than 800 cals a day, which is way lower than I thought I could get at this point. I've found my new love for Jell-o, and it's only 10 calories, so forget 100 calorie packs, you can eat 10 jello cups for that! lol

OH! and I found this website...

i don't starve myself completely, you all knwo that, but it has some awesome tips for just avoiding food in general when you want to give in and snack or binge or whatever. ch ch check it out

hope all is well on the skinniness front. battle on, ladies!


Tuesday, July 20, 2010

pictures pictures pictures!

The little tornado that was forming by my house one night! It looked much stronger/bigger than this, but I can't find the better picture right now!

ok so I finally have some pictures to show you guys! They're not all of me, some other random things that I wanted to throw in there too, but I will include a few of me. I haven't had a chance yet to take pictures of my stomach (aka my fat) but I'm going to try to do that tomorrow...I'm just too tired from all the dancing I did tonight at the banquet! More to come on all of that tomorrow...enjoy!

Monday, July 19, 2010

weekend of madness!

I got back from CJ's today, and dear lord, did I have fun! Just like I thought I would. I swear to you all, everyone should have a best friend like CJ is to me. Whenever we're together we jsut get CRAZY and have the best times, and this weekend was no exception!

So I told you that I was going to the gay bar to see a drag show. What. An. Experience. LMAO a lot of people thought we were crazy for wanting to go see something like that, but seriously, you just have to go into it with the expectation to be entertained and you will have a great time. I don't even know what to tell you about it or how to describe it and make it sound so fun but it really was. Basically, we saw 4 drag queens come out and pretend to sing a song while they walk around and gather tips from everyone. doesn't sound that exciting, I know, but it's just being there and seeing it for yourself. They had hilarious names like "sha-freak-a jane" and "Penny Tration" <---hahah that one is my absolute fave! The gay culture just kinda fascinates me a little and i love gay guys, so it was just awesome! I have pictures of them later, I think i'll post them tomorrow with several other random pictures for you's always fun to see pictures!

The whole reason I went up to see CJ this weekend was to go to a concert with her and some of her other friends on sunday. Sunday was probably the craziest day I've had in so long...I basically stayed drunk for a solid 8 hours at least. Solid. Her parents don't care that we drink at all, so she had a few friends over and we just sat outside and drank beer all day. I know, I know, the calories. fuck it, I refuse to count liquid calories...and to me theyre pretty much worth it. I was planning on taking it pretty slow while we were pregaming for the concert, but then one of her friends suggested playing Beer Ball, and it was all downhill from there. Have you all ever heard of/played this game before? I had only seen it once before this weekend and never played it, but basically my partner and I were REALLY good at it. I'm not gonna take the time to explain the rules right now (i'll write them at the bottom of this post later) but the better you are, the more you're going to I chugged about 3 beers in 30 minutes in the hot sun with not so much on my stomach. From there, I was feeling pretty good for a while :)

Got to the concert, CJ used her fake ID to buy us both beers and mixed drinks so I was having the time of my life. and oh goodness, let me tell you, CJ's brother is possibly the hottest guy ever. And sweet. And a gentlemen. Bascially, I want to marry him. He's completely not what my type usually is at all, and hes a year younger than me (not such a huge deal) and he doesn't want to go to college right now (which IS a huge deal to me) but ughhhhhh hes perfect in every other way. I've met him twice before and only really gotten to talk to him once, but I never thought he was interested. CJ says he's a "charmer" and all the girls love him but he never dates any of them. Shit :(

We were at the concert though and I was dancing and singing at the top of my lungs and he danced with me several times (he hadn't been drinking either, he's recently decided that he wants to really obey the bible which says 'obey the law of the land' so he's committed to not drinking at all anymore until her turns 21. *swoon* how mature/cute of him) so if he was dancing with me and wanted to be around me a lot that night then....idk? maybe? I can't let myself get carried away. Plus, CJ has no idea that I even think he is cute, so I don't want to get myself too excited for when I get to see him on my next visit. I don't want things to be awkward around CJ you know?

Other than that, I don't really knnow what else to post about this weekend. It was just kinda one of those things where you have to experience it to know why it was so fun.

Apparently I've also been nominated for the blogger addict award? wow, i'm really flattered lilah, thanks so much! I don't really know what that's all about yet though, not completely anyway, so if you all could help me out with that I would be most greatful. Am I just supposed to do my 5 likes/dislikes then name 5 other bloggers I love? Would love to do that, but i'll make a separate post for it tomorrow or something, i gotta think about this ;)

I'm yawning now, I need to go to bed. Tomorrow (hopefully) i'm gonna post a ton of pictures for you allof different things (including myself) and possibly include that dreaded stomach shot? You all know i'm not one for posting pictures of myself, but I know how much I love them on other people's blogs and how inspiring they are, and that is what I want to do, I want to inspire you guys! So tomorrow I will do that again, and hopefully leave them up this time if I can work up the courage...Love you guys, stay tuned!!

Rules of Beer Ball
--4 players, divided up into teams of 2.
--Each team stands on opposite sides of the table (just like in beer pong) and each person has an UNOPENED can of beer on the corner of the table in front of them.
--One player takes a ping pong ball and throws it at an opposing player's can on the other side of the table.
--If the ball misses the can, no one drinks and it's the next player's turn to throw.
--If the ball hits the can, the thrower's partner opens their can of beer and begins to chug until the player whose can was hit has run and gotten the ball and placed it back on the table.
--once the ball is back on the table, the player has to stop drinking their beer, and the next player takes their turn throwing.
--the first team to finish both of their beers wins.

I tried to find a video but couldn't find a good one..this is bascially how it goes except they are playing with 4 cans per team instead of two and they're making both people on the team drink at the same time...

Saturday, July 17, 2010

i'm a swammer :)

i knwo that is been FOREVERRRR since i've posted last, but i have been super crazy busy. Whenever i've gottena free moment, i've just collapsed into bed. A lot of things have happened this week though, and i have a lot of excitement coming up, so i'll just give you a day by day recap of what's been going on this week.

swim meet for the younger kids on our team. thank goodness i didn't have to swim that day, but I had to be there to coach, and it was UNGODLY hot. So to combat this disgusting weather, I went to the hospitality room for a drink. Edit: it should be called the non-hospitable hospitality room! I walk in, get a drink, and decide to eat one little cookie while i'm in there (i hadn't eaten much at all that day) and this girl, my age, and whom i'm sorry to say I really thought was mentally handicapped (which apparently she ISN'T!! hahaha) goes "NO EATING BEFORE 7 O'CLOCK!" ....ok food nazi. what a bitch. I made sure to grab a granola bar on my way out of the was only 8 minutes before 7, she can bite me.

worked today, hot as hell again, came home and took a nap because i was exhausted. Woke up and went back to practice, then babysat for two little boys that I coach. oh goodness they are so freakin adorable. We were playing a video game on the wii where you have to make words out of a bunch of letters they give you (somewhat scarbble-esque i suppose) and the little six year old says "how do you spell pussies?" meaning like a bunch of cats, but i thought it was the funniest thing ever. I had to try sooo hard to keep from laughing! so paid $35 too for only about 3 hours work. score.

swim meet for me. it was qualifications, meaning that all of the older kids swim and the top 16 people in each event get to go to championships to swim. I was expected to come in first in pretty much all of my events, but that didn't happen. I dont know if it was my period or the caffeine pill that i took right before i went (because i was literally like dead) but once my events came up, it was all I could do to finish them. I ended up gaining time in every event, and i only won one of them. whatever, i still wasn't ranked worse than 3rd in any of them. felt horrible though, like i could lie down and sleep for 3 days. Afterwards, i skipped the team dinner because all i wanted to do was go home and sleep. Tell me how it is possible to be SO tired, yet so unable to sleep? I guess my insomnia reappeared for a night, and I only got about 3 hours. that sucked sooo bad

practice in the morning (my last one EVER!!) then pep rally that night before championships. We had a pizza party to carbo-load before the big meet, of course. I did somewhat control myself though and only had 2 pieces. I could have easily eaten like 6. Played some games, went back to bed.

my mom had been saying that she wanted to take my sister and I to ihop this morning for a big breakfast. I vehemently refused that, saying that I didn't want a big stack of sugar before champs. I slept in (finallyyyyyy) and woke up at about 10:30 only to find that my mom and sister had gone to krispy kreme and brought back and entire dozen donuts. fuck. Ate one. Then, she called my dad and had him surprise me with fazoli's pasta for lunch, because she wanted me to swim well. double fuck. I swear, it's like she knows I want to lose weight, and she's trying everything to stop it lol

anyway, went to championships and swam pretty well. I didn't win any of my individual events though, and i think this is the first of 13 swimming seasons where I havent. I went into my 50 free ranked first by .3 seconds, and this was the one even I wanted to win, because I hold that state record in it and I didn't want it to get beaten my last year of swimming. Somehow still managed to lose to a girl by .05, BUT she missed beating my record by .06! Ohhhh I was so happy, my legend still stands! My last race of the night (and my last race EVER) was the 200 freestyle relay. My relay was ranked 2nd by half a second, but we still kicked some ass! It was the most exciting swimming relay i've ever seen in my life (besides maybe this one )and we came back and won! I was the last leg, and ended up beating the girl next to me by about .02 seconds. the best part was, my relay somehow managed to drop over 6 seconds (a lifetime in swimming) and beat our own relay record from last year! AHHHHH it was so exciting! tears everywhere, very emotional.

anyway, i am now officially retired from swimming competitively for the rest of my life, and i now dub myslef a "swammer" hahaha I'm actually pretty excited. I'll miss it, of course, but I've been really burnt out with swimming for a while, so i'm ready to retire.


I'm going to CJ's this weekend! sooooo excited! i'm going to her house later today and we're gonna go see a drag show tonight! LMAO my parents are PISSED. My mom is threatening to forbid me to go btu I was like "really? i'm almost 19 years old. For 9 months out of the year I don't live in your house anymore, and a year from now I will be living entirely on my own in a foreign country. just WHEN exactly are you going to start trusting me to make my own decisions?!" they're still pissed as fuck, of course, but I don't care. I'm an adult, i'm responsible, and it's something that I want to do, so i'm doing it! I bet i'll have a ton of lovely drag queen stories to tell you all about when I return :)

then tomorrow i'm going to a concert with CJ, then back home. Should be a ton of fun, but I wont be able to post until monday earliest, so please be patient.

Tuesday i have my swim team banquet. Lots of crying, lots of food, and LOTS of dancing. should be awesome. AND I have a beautiful new dress to wear. Perhaps I will post a picture tuesday? Maybe. Depends on how lazy i am.

Scale still says 142. oh 142, how I hate you so. I don't think i've ever hated a number so much in my life. Every single day I still see it. I know it is my own fault, of course, It just seems like food is coming from everywhere all of the sudden! UGHHHHHH

This is the longest post ever. This is what I get for not taking the time to update throughout the week. Boo. Oh yeah, and I had a dream that I met lilah lee the other night. It was so strange, but really funny too! Lilah, when you get back on remind me to tell you about it, and i hope you get to 163 soon!

Wilted rose, come back. Enough said.

OH! and my family is going to niagra falls for vacation later this month! So excited, i've never been there!!

OK, so i must go, I have a lot of packing to do before I leave for CJ's. Oh what on earth do you wear to a drag show?! lmao Ok I promise to update later, love you ladies, saty strong, and sorry for wasting so much of your time with such a long post!

Tuesday, July 13, 2010


today has been a very strange day. It's only noon, but very strange indeed. I woke up way early (for me!) this morning at 9:30. I just happened to look at my cell and see that I had a text from one of my best friends who also coaches the swim team with me. It said "do we have practice/work this morning?" and I was like ", we never have practice on tuesday mornings, and the little kids just had a meet last night." well it turns out that we DID have practice this morning, and the head coach (my boss) just forgot to tell me! lol alright....apparently no one showed up anyway because its raining a lot here today.

Anyway, so then I get out of bed and hear that the t.v. is on in the living room, which is strange because both of my parents are at work and I knew my sister was still asleep. I walk in and see that it's turned onto the news, and theres a group of 4 people on t.v. singing a jesus song. The funny thing is, I quickly realize that the lead singer is this incredibly flamboyantly gay guy that I was good friends with at school! Oh the irony...

In other news, i woke up this morning to discover that I have finally gotten my period. Normally, this would not be exciting news, but today it is. Today it is wonderful, glorious news because it explains my sudden weight gain, my presumed bloating, and my unsatisfiable hunger and craving for every food imaginable! Very excited to see what happens after this is see if I start losing again. I'm a little afraid though, because this will be my first period in about 2 1/2 years where I haven't been on birth control, so i'm scared that my horrible cramps will come back tomorrow or so. If that happens, it will be terrible. My cramps used to be so bad that I couldn't walk or drive or do anything but lay on the bathroom floor with a heating pad for about 3 or 4 days. I also have a swim meet tomorrow and championships on Friday, so i need to feel good for those! i'll keep you guys updated I guess lol

Ok well I'm trying to stay around 1,000 cals today, but since i am on my period and can't control myself during that time, i'm not going to worry TOO badly if I go a little over.

So far today:
bowl of special K cereal with skim milk:160
I added some extra blueberries and raspberries too though so i'm gonna estimate around 200.

Ok, well I love you all, hope you're doing well. thanks for the lovely comments =]

Monday, July 12, 2010

bitch fest, round 2

I'm just gonna fight off my laziness and finally take 5 minutes to make a new post. Don't want to disappoint, I mean, it's kinda sad that I follow all of these blogs and people never update. I followed you for a reason guys, man up. :)

So we all remember evan right? My high school almost rebound guy? haha hung out with him again yesterday to watch the world cup finale. (Go spain!....even though I was definitely rooting for the portugese, italians, Americans, and Aussies before you...) And I know what you're thinking
"OMG, she used to have a huge crush on him, he's obviously very flirtatious AND frenzy was just saying how she wanted to hook up with someone soon! That must mean a juicy story!" WELL......sorry, no. Nothing happened. Just me and him, alone in his living room, as he tried to convince me to eat a ton of this mexican dip and fruit that his mom made us. And I did. No surprise there. Felt so sick afterwards though...serves my fatass right. Anyway, he kept doing that really lame "im just stretching my arms but ill put one behind you when i'm done" thing that you see from really awkward guys in the movies, but besides a couple playful punches and a few tight hugs, nothing happened. I can't decide whether I'm happy (because I didn't really want to hook up with him) or kinda sad because I just want an exciting story to post on here for once. Oh how lame am I?

Today has been a bad diet day too. Hospitality room at the swim meet I was working at= pizza and cookies. shit. I'm just getting so frustrated lately. Heres what my daily routine has become:
1) wake up
2) sit for a few minutes, then go weigh myself.
3) Scale says 144.
4) i go into a major depression for about 10 minutes, trying to convince myself that I either have a piece of shit scale or i'm getting close to starting my period so I shouldn't worry.
5) I say "what the hell are you thinking. you're such a failure. You've gotten lazy with this diet."
6) I continue to have an internal debate with myself for the next hour as to whether I am eating too much or I'm eating so little that I'm in starvation mode. I mean, even on my horrible free days I eat probably at max 1500, which is lower than it should be. I eventually settle for lazy ass.
7) wait until 1 o'clock then decide to have some cereal.
8) feel guilty for eating at all (since i'm doing so terrible) then go find a piece of "comfort food cake" to battle the sudden depression
9) I realize that i have once again messed up, so i just say "fuck it all" for the rest of the day
10) Vow to myself that tomorrow will be better, then go to bed.

Lovely life :)

I wish I had an expert or someone to truly tell me what I should be doing to lose weight. Eat more? Eat less and exercise more? It gets more and more confusing everyday. This is the shit we should be learning in school! Jeeze, and they wonder why Americans are so fat! Even if we want to lose weight, we don't know how to unless we want to pay out the ass for "weightwatchers" or "jenny craig" or an outrageous gym membership!

I wish I could just tape my mouth shut like the girl in the picture.

Another thought...

Why is it that every time I decide to get serious about this diet again, some big event involving great/free food comes up? can't I just celebrate without having to stuff my face or fight off the hunger/temptation/self-loathing that comes with these parties/events/get-togethers/feasts?!

I'm done. I'm getting more angry and upset, and i've promised you all that I would stay positive. I really am so proud of you ladies, and I hope things are going well and that you're being stronger than I am!

Friday, July 9, 2010


so through another blog i found a link to this awesome girl. Her weight loss story is so inpirational and she stays so positive! She did it in a very healthy way and the before and after pics---wow. thats all I have to say. Please, go check her out and see for yourself!

The only thing that caught me off-gaurd was when she was talking about her diet plan. she says "personally, i tried to stick to under around 1200 calories a day. i know, that doesn’t seem like anything, but remember, i’m only 4’11"

Wow, I guess she is living proof that we don't have to starve ourselves to get results, but I just can't get over her saying that 1200 didn't seem like anything. I mean, i'm 5' 4" and i try to stay under 1000 a day. Perhaps this is one more piece of eveidence that my body is in starvation mode and that I need to eat MORE?!

I dont know. Anyway, just wanted to share this with you guys. Let me know what you think. Love you beauties.

Let's give 'em somethin to talk about...

k so i made a pact (is that the right word/right spelling?) or a "promise" if you will that I'm going to stop weighing myself every day. I'm trying to do just once a week, but i doubt that will last long. I mean, it's been like 2 days so far and it's like im already losing my fucking mind. WTF. who does that? seriously, it's like I realize every single day that i just have more and more problems, and i sit there and think to myself "did i ever imagine that this would be my life?"

Don't get me wrong. As of this point in my life, I don't think I would change how i'm living at all. I actually like having these problems. Which is even more fucked up if you think about it. I'll admit it though, i'm an attention whore. Point blank, plain and simple. I try to hide it, and if you ever met me you would most likely never know, but I love compliments and I love attention 99% of the time. Whatever, we all have our vices. At least we admitt ours openly. Heres to you, you fellow image-obsessed camera/perfection/attention/all around whores. Go us!

Lol ok, not calling everyone on here one of those things, but we all have a little comething wrong with us somewhere. Hell, let's all be honest, we're not doing this completely for ourselves, as much as we say it is. If we were genuinely doing it 100% just for US, we would do it a very healthy way, and not care how long it took. We're doing it for everyone else. Maybe not someone specific, but most of us are at least probably doing it because that's what society tells us we should look like. We're doing it for ATTENTION.

Ok, enough of my bitter conspiracy theory schizo shit. Don't know where it came from, really, but I hope i amused you all in some way.

I've also decided (among other things) that i'm going to be 1,000% honest on this blog from now not keep a single inconsequential thought from you all.

Oh, and btw, i really never curse this much in real life. Not that i'm concerned that i'll "offend" anyone on here, but I just feel that you all should know that my inner monologue is a whole lot more vulgar than my regular conversational language.

I'm getting restless again. Like always. I'm always restless in my life.

I need....SEX!

*GASP* haha ok, so i don't really need sex...

if you've read my blog for a while, i'll openly admitt that i'm that rare kind of girl they call a virgin. (not criticizing anyone out there who isn't, in fact I love to read about it if you aren't, but mine is a personal choice) I'll openly confess though that i've pretty much done everything besides sex. Especailly when i was with nick....but that is a different story that I prefer not to dwell upon. I was very, VERY different at that time in my life, and most things I was kinda forced into in a way....long story.

But see my other posts about how the drunken slut in me likes to make a frequent appearance at school.

This brings me to my point:
no school=no parties.
no parties= no alcohol
no alcohol= no drunken frenzy
no drunken frenzy= no fun crazy hookups with random guys.

I told myself I would quit doing that anyway (while I was at school)...but I kinda miss it. Just a little. I just need a good make-out session or something.

Ok, enough of that...

I'm gonna steal this survey that is floating around to help combat my restlessness. Enjoy =]

I AM...
[ ] anorexic
[x] ednos
[ ] bulimic
[ ] living off diet pills
[ ] hungry
[] thirsty
[ ] drinking something
[ ] Under 100lbs
[x pretty much] starving yourself
[ ] participating in a fast

[ ] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[ ] call me fat
[ ] say I’m skinny
[ ] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[ ] spread rumors about me
[ ] force me to eat
[x my mother, sometimes] say I eat too much
[ ] wish I’d eat more
[x] don't know I'm anorexic/bulimic/ednos

[x] I was THIN
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn't have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[ ] I was under 110lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[ ] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was pretty
[ ] I could stop being ana/mia

[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference when fasting
[ ] shaking
[ ] being weak
[x] losing weight
[ ] being anorexic
[x] green tea
[ ] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself

[x] I am shorter than 5'4. I am 5"4.
[x] I think I'm ugly sometimes
[ ] I have many scars
[x] I tan easily
[x] I wish my hair was a different color
[ ] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color
[ ] I have a tattoo
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance
[ ] I had braces
[ ] I wear glasses
[ ] I wear contacts
[x] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100 safe, free of cost, and scar-free
[x] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger
[ ] I have more than 2 piercings
[ ] I have piercings in places besides my ears
[a couple] I have freckles

[ ] I've sworn at my parents
[ ] I've run away from home
[ ] I've been kicked out of the house
[x] My biological parents are together
[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old
[x] I want to have kids someday
[ ] I've had children
[ ] I've lost a child

[ ] I've slipped out a "lol" in a spoken conversation
[ ] Disney movies still make me cry
[x] I've peed from laughing
[ ] I've snorted while laughing
[x] I've laughed so hard I've cried
[x] I've glued my hand to something
[ ] I've laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose
[ ] I've had my trousers rip in public

[x] I'm single
[ ] I'm in a relationship
[ ] I'm engaged
[ ] I'm married
[ ] I've gone on a blind date
[ ] I've been the dumpee more than the dumper
[ ] I miss someone right now
[x] I have a fear of abandonment
[ ] I've cheated in a relationship
[ ] I've gotten divorced
[x] I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
[x] I've told someone I loved them when I didn't
[ ] I've told someone I didn't love them when I did
[x] I've kept something from a past relationship

[ ] I've had a crush on someone of the same sex
[ ] I've had a crush on a teacher
[x] I am a cuddler
[ ] I've been kissed in the rain
[x] I've hugged a stranger
[x] I have kissed a stranger

[x] I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't
[x] I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't
[x] I've snuck out of my house
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world
[x] I've cheated while playing a game
[x] I've cheated on a test
[ ] I've been suspended from school

[x] I've consumed alcohol
[ ] I drink regularly
[ ] I can't swallow pills
[ ] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[ ] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression
[ ] I shut others out when I'm upset
[ ] I take anti-depressants
[x] I'm anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS.
[x] I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it
[x] I've hurt myself on purpose
[ ] I'm addicted/ have been addicted to self harm
[x] I've woken up crying
[x] I've lost weight
[x] I've gained weight
[x] My weight holds me back
[x] Weight consumes me.
[ ] I'm at my thinnest
[ ] I'm at my biggest
[x] I've lost weight and kept it off
[x] I've lost weight but gained it back
[x] My weight affects my mood
[x trying not to...] I weigh myself daily
[x] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me
[x] I thrive on compliments
[x] I feel bigger than people who are my size
[x] I feel happy when I'm hungry
[x] I get depressed after I eat
[x] I've skipped a meal
[x] I've thrown food away
[x] I've spit food out
[x] I've fasted
[ ] I've taken diet pills
[x] I've used laxatives
[x tried and failed] I've purged
[ ] Bulimia
[ ] Orthorexia
[x] Over-exercising
[ ] Binge eating
[x] I exercise
[x] I exercise so I can eat
[x] I work out secretly
[mostly] I work out daily
[x] I exercise to counteract eating
[ ] I've fainted from exhaustion

[ ] Weed
[ ] Cigarettes
[x] Alcohol
[ ] Diet pills
[x] Pain killers
[ ] Anti-depressants
[ ] Ecstasy
[ ] LSD
[ ] Mushrooms
[ ] Speed
[ ] Cocaine

[x] I keep my eating habits a secret
[x] I have an ED blog
[x] I look at thinspo
[x] I collect thinspo
[x] I condone pro-ana/mia sites
[x] I count calories
[x] I've had negative intake days
[x] I avoid food
[ ] I hate food
[x] I love food, it's a love/hate relationship
[x] I want to be this way
[ ] I don't want to be like this
[x] I wish I could have more control
[x] Being thin is my top priority sometimes
[x] I don't want to get better
[ ] I am in treatment
[x] I'm doing this for me
[x] I'm doing this for someone
[x] I'm doing this to prove myself

Thanks lilah lee!

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

hey guys! so today, i've stuck to the plan
breakfast: cereal w/ bluberries: 175
snack: granola bar: 90
dinner: subway sandwich: 435

jeeze, so i went to subway tonight after practice to try to make a healthier choice than eating the nasty tuna casserole my mom was making, and anyways I ended up getting a 6" turkey breast with lettuce, tomato, american cheese, pickles, and mayonaise. Not so bad, the sign said a 6 inch turkey breast was only 280 cals, so i thought I should easily stay under 350 considering pickles and lettuce have 0 cals and tomatoes only have 5...well so i thought! the cheese was 40 cals, which was expected, but the mayonaise! oh the mayonaise! 110 calories alone! Jeeze! and if I would have just gotten lite mayonaise instead (which i completely forgot they even had until after it was already on my sandwich) it would have only been 50 calories! Let that be a lesson to everyone out there...always choose the light mayonaise!

haha ok, whatever, my total for today is an even 700 calories and i just came back from swim practice (which wasn't hard or anything tonight but i still burned some)so i'm feeling pretty good about the day.

So i had a question about my earlier post. (first, thanks for reading, thanks for liking the blog, and thanks for the comment :) ) and i feel that I should explain why I try not to eat before 2 pm.

My only philosophy for this is...the later I hold out on eating, the less time I have to stuff my face later. Simple as that. Like, I can say I'll only eat 700 or however many calories a day, but if I wake up at 9 am and eat immediately, i'll already be hungry again by the time noon or 1:00 comes around, so i'll have to fight back the temptaion that much longer. Like i've said before, I always eat dinner with my family to keep them from getting suspicious, so i either eat dinner at 5 before I leave for practice or around 8:30 when I get back home. So if i hold out for "breakfast" --if you will-- until 2, then i know I will still eat again soon for dinner....i dont know, it's just easier for me that way. I hope it makes sense. Oh, and i don't wait until later because i'm just not that strong yet...right now it's a challenge to even make it until 2.

It's probably worse actually, because i know that your body needs to "break the fast" when you get up in the morning, but if I eat early, then i'll feel the need for 2 or 3 snacks before lunch, then dinner, then a snack after...and eventually i just feel like my day is shot anyway so i might as well just eat whatever I damn well please. LOL

so in short, i'm just trying to eliminate a meal by combining breakfast and lunch.


sorry guys, I can get pretty longwinded sometimes, expecially when i explain stuff...i have a hard time with that. anyway i love you all, thanks for reading, stay strong, and i'm so happy i have you guys around!

hello new me!

I'm sick of this. I'm sick of not seeing results and sick of being sick of myself. Starting today, I am back on track. I will lose weight.

Plan: don't eat before 2 pm every day, water only to drink, exercise everyday


Special K red berries with skim milk: 160
20 blueberries: about 16

1/2 granola bar: 90 cals


1 grilled fish patty: 100 cals

whatever my mom fixes, portions cut in half. I'll estimate around 350 just to be safe


chocolate ice cream bar: 135

1 hour of swimming, possibly a short run and/or some crunches etc. afterwards

total: 761, before exercise

I will start losing again. I'm also thinking about another liquid fast again on sunday, if anyone is interested? It was hard last time and I had a few slip ups, but i'm sure this time would be easier! C'mon guys, let's get super skinny!!

p.s. oh where oh where has my wilted rose gone?! miss you girl, can't wait until you're back!

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

fourth of july. oh beautiful, patriotic, calorie-ridden fourth of july. So, when I started this whole diet/restriction thing, i made myself a little compromise if you will. I will stick to 1000 cals or less a day, but weekends, holidays, and vacations are free. Well, fourth of july just happened to include all 3 of those things for me. Needless to say...I went overboard. Biscuits, gravy, bacon, eggs, burgers, chicken, funnel cakes, brownies, cookies, name it, I ate it this weekend. And dear lord did it feel wonderful. I mean, it still felt weird to be full, but for one weekend out of the last year or so, I finally just said, "fuck it. I don't care. I'm going to do and eat whatever makes me happy this weekend." So I did, and I don't regret it at all. Plus, the wonderful lilah lee and I decided that we we're just being know, celebrating our country's prosperity and the fact that we are blessed enough to have so much wonderful food to eat. hahaha whatever.

But weight loss. Hmmm....we'll i think I actually look thinner. I feel thinner, thats for sure. It makes no sense, but hey, i've never claimed to make sense. I think a huge part of it is that I fixed my tan lines. As any competitive swimmer knows, the Speedo tan is inevitable during the summer, and the shape of it just makes you look so awkward...white stomach, tan legs, perfect tan line around the hip...i don't know.

But I evened it all out this weekend, and I think just being tan actually makes me look thinner. I hope at least. Got on the scale last night and it said 144. Now I should say, i've been hovering around 142 that wasn't so horrible. Woke up this morning, stepped on, it said 140. WTF. I give up on this damn scale. I think i'm back at 144 now. I swear...i need to not be so cheap so I will buy a real accurate scale. Balls... I'll just prefer to think im 140 :)

Swim meet again tonight. Last home meet EVER for me. Oh as much as I loath swimming i'm sure to bawl my eyes out tonight....then replace that depression with a large plate of spaghetti. And bread. Hello carbs, i see that we've become besties lately, but I must say, I feel that we should go our separate ways soon.

I'm weird today, I know. I don't know whats going on with me. they crazy dreams have been continuing. Last night I dreamt that one of my friends found out about my blog, and I freaked. In my sleep. Also dreamt about nick some more (hell) then followed that up with a very detailed love story occurring between me and Prince Harry of England, all set in beautiful Paris, France.

I don't know what kind of drugs have been slipped to me lately, but I somewhat like them. :) ok, must go now, promise for more crazy updates soon. love love love!

Friday, July 2, 2010

I apologize for the depressing post earlier. I don't know what came over me really, just a lot of painful memories that I need to deal with I guess. Anyway, I don't want to bring you all down at all and I don't want anyone to think that i'm looking for sympathy or attnetion, so i took it down almost immediately. Thanks for the supportive comments though, love you guys!

At the lake for the fourth of july...i'll be gone until tuesday. LOTS of calories coming and lots of fun but i'll have no way to post on here until i get back. Can't wait to read your alls blogs again and see what you're up to! stay strong and i hope this weekend is great for everyone! love you all!