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Saturday, August 27, 2011

Full circle

well ladies, we've come full circle.

As you can tell, i fully partook in margarita night at my favorite frat house and ended up quite a mess. Don't get me wrong, it was an extremely good night, but not the best of decisions was made.

I've been back at school now for a week. I've got my room all set up with CJ, i've gone through orientation, i've already had to study....things are back to normal. Then L moved in. I knew he was moving in that day, but all day i never heard from him. Around 7 that night I went to get some food, and I ran into him, then we ate together. Everything was ok...we caught up a little, we laughed, it was great. But I was still a little hurt that he hadnt tried to meet up with me at all, especially after I found out that he had called CJ first and wanted to say hello to her when he had said nothing to me.

Anyway, CJ, L and I all hung out afterwards, and decided to go to a big party. We all got completely hammered, and that's when it happened. Stupid me asked L to kiss me. He asked if that was a good idea, and if we shouldnt wait until we were sober, but it ended up happening anyway. Thats when i started crying. I cried and cried and cried and told him how much i loved him and missed him and how much i was still hurting. He held me and told me that he was so sorry and that he understood completely and it hurt him so much to see me upset.

After much talking and crying, all i wanted was to go back to my dorm and go to sleep. (mind you, this was around 2:30 in the morning) I tried to leave, but L refused to let me walk home by myself. I was hurt and upset and mad and told him that I didnt want to walk with him and that he should leave me alone. I marched back to campus while L followed several steps behind me the entire way, refusing to leave until he knew that i was safe. Right before I got back to my room, we started talking again. I confessed everything to him. EVERYTHING. everything i felt for him, everything he had ever done to hurt me, how much i wished things were different, how much i wished, despite him having herpes, that we could be back together, and all my insecurities that i would still have even if we did someday get back together.

Well, it was a good talk, but we decided that we should stop and talk about this some other time when we were sober. The next day, I'm in my room studying, when a friend of mine comes in and tells me a big elaborate story, which includes the fact that L was supposedly "talking" to someone else. I confronted him about it, and he told me that yes, they had kissed a few times, but that they were only little pecks because he didnt like her and that she was the one to always kiss him. I told him again how hurt i was, how much i wished things could go back to how they were between us, and how i hated how easily he had moved on. When i said that, he stopped in his tracks, looked at me and said, "do you seriously think that I dont wish it was your name instead of hers every time it pops up on my phone?! You think this was easy for me? It's not easy at all. I was just trying to give you a way out because i thought thats what you wanted."

Well, that was news to me. We talked for a long time again, and basically came to the conclusion that the feelings between us will always be there, but it's just not the right time for a relationship. He decided to tell the other girl that he had no feelings for her and no intentions of dating her, and that he was sorry if he led her on. As for us, we decided to "take things slow." VERY slow. Basically, we're just friends right now, and that's how it will stay for quite a while. The only difference is that we both want to still have hope to possibly have a relationship again in the future. We agreed that during this time of taking things slow, we would not do random hook-ups with other people, and that we would concentrate on trying to repair things between the two of us instead, but if during this time either one of us met someone really special, whom we saw a legitimate serious relationship with, we would be honest, and we were free to pursue that instead of each other.

I know this all sounds very strange, and maybe stupid, but it really is the best option for us. It's hard to be just friends when you have such strong feelings for one another...but it's hard to stay away from each other when the other person is also your best friend in life. This way, we're free to like each other without feeling guilty, we both have hope for the relationship that we should have had in teh first place, but we're not entirely tied down to each other either. And ever since that talk, things have been so great between us. We can hang out and talk and text and everything without feeling awkward or like we're crossing any lines. Everything is just easy again.

He also gave me a cake for my birthday. Complete with 20 trick candles. Haha, it was so cute.

So anyway, that's all about the boy for now I guess. And probably all that there will be about him for quite a while. As for the other aspects of my life, school is great...I study every free second of the day, but because it actually pertains to my career now and what I want to spend the rest of my life doing, it's very interesting and I dont mind studying in the least.

I've been doing fairly well eating wise. I usually eat a banana for breakfast, have a turkey wrap and some veggies for lunch, and i'm usually too full to eat dinner. I think i'm dropping weight still, and i've had a lot of people compliment me lately on how good i look, including L :)

In two weeks, CJ, L, several other friends and I are trying to head down to the lake for a giant annual lake party we have here. Think "mardi gras on water." it's awesome. Anyway, I have to look real hot by then, so I have to keep my eating in check!

Well, thanks for reading my novel...thats about all I have for now! I'll try to keep posting as often as I can, but it's getting hard to find time around all the bare with me. Love you ladies!

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