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Tuesday, September 21, 2010

I spoke too soon

well my computer is sick. Not from the virus though. Hardware problem with my screen. Go figure. I'm typing with my iPod which is not so easy. My computer will probably be gone for a while so I won't post until I get it back. I'll miss you ladies!!!

Monday, September 20, 2010

well, my computer is alive. The virus still hasn't gotten it, which is good...but i haven't found the time to call the IT department yet and get it taken care i'm kinda just hoping things stay alright.

my phone is messed up. ironic since i wanted to start this whole texting thing, but my keys are doing this weird thing where basically it puts a wrong letter every time i type something, so i essentially i cant text.

I went to the gym on friday and worked out for a really long time. Ran a mile, did some abs, even swam a little and i was feeling super skinny. I decided to finally weigh myself and i got on the scale and.....


what. the. fuck.

I've GAINED .6 of a pound?! i was freaking out for a little while, but I got my period that night, so i'm going to blame it on bloating and wait until that's over to weigh again.

Also, because i'm such a super nerd, i've changed my homepage to the french yahoo. everyday i try to read an article (or as much of an article as i can) in french to practice. It's a pretty slow process, but i'm getting a lot better. Anyway, today i read an article on there that says the MAYO clinic here in the states has just found that exercising really just doesn't help you lose weight. It was saying that the amount of energy you spend trying to burn off the calories just isn't worth it in the end, because it takes so long to burn off just 500 calories, which is the equivalent to just two donuts. I don't know how i feel about this. I always knew it took forever to burn calories, but i figured it was doing SOMETHING. it kinda makes me feel less guilty about occasionally missing a day at the gym, but it also makes me feel bad because now i'm like "well fuck, what now?"

the last paragraph of the article generally says that unless you're an athlete training like an olympian, it's probably easier to just skip a meal than to work it off.

i don't know if there is anyone out there who can read french, but i'm going to post the article in case you all are interested. You can get the just of it by using google translate too if you must.

That's all i have for today, i must go study for my first microbiology test tomorrow! wish me luck!

Pourquoi faire du sport ne fait pas maigrir

Vous avez quelques kilos à perdre. Cela ne sert à rien de prendre un abonnement à la salle de gymnastique la plus proche ou de courir 45 minutes deux fois par semaine. Un nombre grandissant d'études scientifiques très sérieuses prouvent que si l'exercice physique a des effets bénéfiques sur la santé, il ne sert à peu près à rien pour perdre du poids. Le Guardian met en garde ses lecteurs, tout comme l'avait fait il y a quelques mois le New York Times.

Cela va à l'encontre de nombreuses idées reçues et même des programmes gouvernementaux de santé publique dans la plupart des pays souligne le Guardian.

Nous avons presque tous intégré le fait que pour être en forme et svelte, cela demande de sérieux efforts et que les heures de sports auront une rétribution. Erreur. L'exercice a un impact négligeable sur la perte de poids. La Mayo Clinic, un établissement de recherche médicale américain à but non lucratif, souligne que «de nombreuses études ont montré aucune ou une très faible perte de poids avec seulement de l'exercice» et «qu'il est très peu probable que l'exercice permette à court terme une perte de poids équivalente à celle obtenue avec un changement de régime alimentaire».

La plupart d'entre nous ont compris la mécanique basique du gain et de la perte de poids: vous mettez de l'énergie dans votre corps (des calories) via l'alimentation et vous dépensez cette énergie par de l'activité. Tout ce qui n'est pas brûlé est stocké et donc transformé en gras. Malheureusement, les mathématiques ne sont pas en notre faveur. «En théorie bien sûr, il est possible de brûler plus de calories qu'on en consomme», explique le docteur Susan Jebb du Medical Research Council britannique. «Mais il faut faire bien plus d'exercice que la plupart des gens imaginent. Pour brûler 500 calories, cela demande typiquement plus de deux heures de vélo et cela correspond aux calories de deux beignets.»

Le sport n'est tout simplement pas un bon moyen pour maigrir à moins d'avoir un programme d'entraînement d'un athlète préparant les Jeux olympiques. «C'est une pure question de mathématiques», explique le professeur Paul Gately de la Carnegie Weight Management institution. «Si vous voulez perdre 500 grammes de graisse, cela nécessite de courir 100 kilomètres. Mais si vous voulez le faire grâce à la diète, vous avez seulement besoin de sauter un repas...»

Thursday, September 16, 2010

wanna start a movement?

ok so i just posted basically all of this on lilah's blog, but i just got on blogger to bitch about my weight and how fat i feel and then the last line of lilahs post said "i hate people who bitch about their weight but dont work out!" and i realized...thats me right now! ok so i know she didnt mean me specifically, and i know she just meant people who NEVER work out at all and probably dont diet either, BUT it got me thinking...

the reason that i dont stay focused is because i have no one to answer to. I have no dietitian, personal trainer, or anyone else to force me to eat right or exercise. All I have to answer to is myself...and we all know how our willpower usually is...mine definitely lets me down A LOT. I need someone at those times of the day when i have the opportunity to work out but just dont want to to yell at me and say "frenzy! go look at yourself in the mirror! youre a fatass! you cant go on a cruise looking like that! you cant go to france being that fat disgusting american! you cant get a tattoo on your fat stomach and show everyone! you NEED TO EXERCISE NOW!" grand idea. we should all text each other at specific times of the day and say something like that! have someone besides ourself to answer to! For instance, i always have a 3 hour break between my classes on monday, wednesday, and friday. My goal is to go exercise for at least an hour right after my first class...however, after class i don't feel like it a lot of times and just decide to skip it. BUT if i had someone text me at that exact time i get out of class, it would motivate me to go! and i could text back as a certain time and ask for you to tell me exactly what you've eaten that day and how many calories everything was, without lying!

does this sound crazy or useless? idk...i think it would motivate me. We could set up rules like "whenever i text you to work out, you have to respond within 15 minutes saying that youre going to work out or you have to cut back the amount of calories youre going to eat today by 200" or something like that...idk, we could work it all out. the reason i want more than one person to do this with me is because
a) were a community, and lean on/support each other. we're all in this together and should be 24/7...not just when we check our blogger.
b) if we have more people, it would be easier to arrange times to text. for instance, say i wanted lilah to text me at noon every monday, but maybe she has work and can't use her phone..someone else could text me at that time on mondays instead!
c)the more people you have texting you, the more you wont want to let them all down, and the more motivating it is!

so anyway, its just a thought. let me know what you think! if you're interested, comment and i'll get you my email and then give you my phone number through that (cause i dont like just posting my cell number online) and we can work out times! (by the way guys, i dont think i can text outside the US...but if youre not american and you still want to work something out then we can. Like maybe i could send you a facebook message instead to tell you to work out or ask you how much youve eaten?)

lets start a movement guys!
my control is slipping away. I can feel it.

No, i haven't been going on major junk food binges or anything, but i'm not restricting like i was and i'm not exercising either.

I used to just eat dinner every night after all my classes. probably just one sandwich wrap, which totals around 400 calories. Plus, I worked out every day.

Now, I've gotten into the habit of eating lunch and dinner...probably somewhere around 800 calories.

every now and then I eat breakfast too.

Not exercising either. damnit.

At least the things i've been eating are for the most part somewhat healthy. a sandwich wrap and a salad. But still, starting next week (because that will be the easiest for me) i'm going to start restricting more and working out again. I've given my legs over a week to heal, so i should hopefully be good by then. If not, i'll just do a ton of abs and then start swimming every day :/

a virus is currently trying to attack my computer. My antivirus software keeps catching it before it can do anything (that i thus far know of) but it still comes up with this annoying pop up about every 2 minutes to tell me it stopped it again. you should see the list of how many times it's tried to get in...its like, hundreds. I've run all my full system scans and everything but it still wont go away.

Fuck you, annoying virus, fuck you.

But anyway, if i disappear for a few know what happened. the virus got me. I am infected. Not dying, just in recovery for a few days. :)

enjoy your day!

Wednesday, September 15, 2010


i should be doing statistics homework right's due in 3 hours, but i just don't want to. I hate stats. Stupid pre-reqs.

thanks everyone for all the advice/support/what-have-you concerning the last post. I feel completely fine now. Funny how it comes and goes. Anyway, I talked to my parents about it and they said I should wait until it happens again before I go to the doctor. But I will go when it does happen to see if it is something physical or mental. Should be pretty interesting, since it points to something mental (GAD) but it feels 100% physical and doesn't come on when i'm stressed. Whatever.

Yesterday I ate alot.

small salad with just a little italian dressing
about 2 bites of pasta salad
1 wheat wrap with turkey and provolone

Dinner: my roomie wanted to try the new burger place on campus
1 veggie burger
1 small order of curly fries

i don't even feel like counting all those calories.

The good thing is though, that besides the curly fries, it was all decently healthy. I loaded up my spinach salad with veggies, and there was lettuce and tomato and such in my wrap and burger.

today thus far:
one small bowl of special K with skim milk: maybeeee 120 calories

who knows if i'll eat anything else today.
I wont eat before class at 3, then right after I have to go to a function for my nursing class, then after that my friends and I are going on a wal-mart run at i'm hoping not. Maybe something small later tonight? I hope that is all.

I need to go to the gym...but I can't run or do anything involving my legs. I feel like I can't do enough abs to really make a difference, and i just can't bring myself to swim. Idk...but i need to figure something out cause just cutting calories isn't enough. I need to exercise too.

I also want hot passionate lovin with a boy. don't want a boyFRIEND...but I want something steamy :) I think my hormones are kicking in before i get a visit from mother nature. After that's come and gone though, I'm going to go back to the gym and weigh myself. I keep forgetting when I'm there. might as well wait until i'm not bloated at all.

Ok, another random/useless post. Hope all you lovelies are kicking ass at life...but of course you are!

Monday, September 13, 2010

can't concentrate

i ended up eating today. and i am about to eat some ice cream even though i don't want to and i'm not hungry. something weird is going on with me

recently i've been getting this strange sensation, and i don't really know how to describe it other than the fact that i'm out of touch with reality. I mean, i know what is going on around me, i could carry on a conversation and i probably look and act completely normal, but i feel like im floating away or something. Like, i'm looking at myself from a distance, or watching my life through a video camera. I feel drunk. I can't concentrate on anything no matter how hard i try. This has happened to me four different times that I know of, and 3 of them have been within the last 2 weeks. it's the strangest feeling in the world.

I think it might be because my sugar is low. I'm hypoglycemic, and every now and then my sugar drops and i get shaky, weak, incredibly nervous, unbalanced....i've dealt with this for a while, but i now know exactly when it's coming on and if i just eat something small I feel better within 10 minutes. I think this new feeling is probably low blood sugar, but i don't get shaky, i don't feel the intense NEED to eat at that moment, i just don't feel like i really exist. And it hasn't gotten better after eating. It's happening right now, if you all can't tell by my weirdness.

I'm kinda scared. I tried to go to the health clinic on campus but they were closed for the day, so i'm going to an ice cream social later in hopes that the calorie ridden food can raise my sugar more and make it go away? I have 2 tests tomorrow that i need to study for and i can't study when i feel like this.

Anyway, the reason that i'm writing about this because i was wondering if you all have ever experienced this before...sans drinking or drug use lol
i'm sure we've all probably experienced low blood sugar once or twice before given that we don't eat a lot, so i'm just curious as to whether this has happened to anyone.

Also, i've been researching my symptoms online, and it's basically given me everything possible. allergies, hypoglycemia, hypothyroidism, multiple sclerosis, brain name it, i could have it, BUT it also keeps coming up with generalized anxiety disorder. I've suspected before that i've had that even though i don't feel stressed now, didn't feel stressed when it's happened before, and have never had a panic attack. My heart isn't beating fast, i'm not breathing hard, idk. Anyway, Lilah i know you said you had this familiar to you at all?

Anyway, sorry to bother you guys with this. I know i should see the doctor and i will but i cant right now so i'm making you all my doctors for the moment haha just curious to see if you all have ever felt this way before. Hopefully not. I'll let you know how everything turns out


i really have nothing exciting to share with you all today. I just feel that i needed to post something for absolutely no reason.

I didn't eat much yesterday, probably about 600 calories though just because what little i did eat was junk food

today i haven't eaten at all. I don't knwo that i'll be able to fast, but i'm going to at least make it until after my class which is over at 4:30

My french class was canceled this morning, meaning that i got to sleep in and now i only have one class at 3. woohoo!!

So i went to work out. The gym was really crowded. Attempted to run a mile only to discover that I have shin splints. great. I had to stop after half a mile then the gym was too crowded to do anything else so i just left. I'm planning on going back tonight though to hopefully either swim or do a pilates class. We'll see how that goes though.

Today, my total intake is
negative 160 calories


and thanks for all the love guys....oh and i now have 19 followers! i'm super excited but also feel kinda lame cause it's taken me so long to even get 19. haha hey visitors! help me make it to at least 20?!

But to all thsoe who do follow, i truely love and appreciate you all and am here to ehlp and support you in whatever you do. thanks, everyone have a grand day!

Sunday, September 12, 2010

party party party lets all get wasted...

i'm back from the game. SO. MUCH. FUN.

lets recap my whole weekend, shall we?

Thursday, went to my friend's birthday party and drank. I was really enjoying myself, and it was pretty chill, but CJ wanted to drive over to another party kinda far from campus and say hello to some people. I had been drinking, but she had only had like maybe 2 beers so she said she would be the DD for the night, we would go out to the party for maybe an hour or two jsut to say hello, then come back to the apratment and chill with the guys some more before she drove me back to my dorm around mindnight so that I could get some sleep before my class in the morning. So i agreed, and she drove us out to the party, where she then proceeded to play about 6 rounds of beer pong and get completely smashed. Great job, DD. So I kept wanting to leave, but she didn't want to and there was no way she was gonna be able to drive, so i basically had to beg these random guys to drive me all the way back to campus, and i didn't end up getting back until around 2:30.

Friday, I was pretty pissed at CJ. I've never been mad at her before, but she kinda screwed me over the night before. But she wanted to ride along and break into my house with me, so i decided to just let it go, and i got over it pretty quickly. I went out with CJ again that night and just went to some guy's house about 15 minutes from the main town, and just chilled and drank a bunch of beer. I really had SO much fun though. L was supposed to come out, but he told me that he decided not to, because he had an 8 am class. by the end of the night though, he was drunk texteing me asking me to come to a different party and see him. Liar! lol but really, we were pretty far away and i think he just decided to go to the other party so tha the could walk back. At least he wanted to hang out. I ended up just staying where I was though, cause I was having an awesome time.

That night I called my friend from high school to tell her that I would be at the game saturday and that i wanted to see her, and she was asking me to go with her to one of the frat parties....which just happened to be the frat my douche ex Nick is in. She said
"would you mind seeing nick?"
at this point I was pretty drunk so I was like "i don't give a fuck if I see nick or not. I couldn't care less about him"
then she said "well I didn't know, I thought it may be weird cause i'm convinced that he's still madly in love with you."

Great. Whatever. I had forgotten about him before I even hung up the phone.

So then Yesterday, I got up early and my friends and I drove 3 hours away to the football game. I was still pretty drunk from the night before by the time we left, but I was completely convinced that I wasn't gonna go to the frat party where Nick was. Regardless of what I had said the night before, I'm still pretty bitter about the things he did to me and just wasn't ready to see his face again.

So we get to the girls house where we're staying for the night, and we all go out on the front porch and start pregaming, when I look across the street and....

you guessed it.

Out of all the houses in that huge city, I somehow managed to end up at the one right across from the frat party that nick was at. FML. I didn't see him though, so I jsut kept drinking and having a good time. Later that day, I was sitting on the porch when my friend that I had talked to the night before walked by. I haven't seen her since we graduated, so I ran out into the front yard and gave her a huge hug. Now, where we were tailgating, EVERYONE was wearing blue...except for my little group which was in red--our school's color. As i'm standing in the front year talking, I hear a familiar voice from across the street start booing, which was quickly followed by every other frat guy at the house. Booing my red shirt I assume. Fuck yuou nick, fuck you. I just kinda ignored it though and kept talking. I eventually go back onto the porch, and for the rest of the day I was forced to see nick, sitting on the porch right across the street, looking all fratty and douchy in his pink polo, booing every red shirt that walked by. What an idiot. I refused to go talk to him though, but I'm convinced he knew it was me and kept staring at me the whole day.

Anyway, i'm back today and had an awesome weekend regardless. I need to calm down on my drinking though, i pretty much only had a few hours of soberness since thursday. I don't need to get crazy, and I dont want to gain all that weight back again either. I'm making myself look like an ass with all the partying.

L did call me again last night though (drunk again) and told me he wanted to hang out. I dont know what to think about this kid. He's even more out of control thant I am. Super sweet, but a HUGE partier, and i don't think he'd be good for me. I just love his personality though. If only he would calm down JUST a little and get some more goals for his life. But if he's interested in me too, i dont know what i should do. he may be fun for a little while and super caring...idk.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

my apologies, yet again.

drank too many beers last night.

heading 3 hours away for a football game today.

i'll have to tell you all the stories later.
im wasted as fuck rightn now. but at least i ddint do anythoing stupid. an AGR drove me home, thank god for gentlemen, BUT i ate another granola bat. shit

going to drink a shit ton tomorrow ar the game. hells fucking yeah, I LOVE YOU ALL. ESP LIZ, EMRY AND LILh lee! my loves! i ha e a story to tell you all tomorrow. just say :nick" lmao love you!!

Friday, September 10, 2010

yeah, that just happened

today i broke into my own house.

yeah, you heard me right. i'll explain, i promise.

So remember how i told you right before i left for school my mom and i decided to remodel my bedroom at home? well this involved tearing the carpet out so that i could have the hardwoods that were underneath them. Anyway, the hardwoods were in terrible shape and they need to be refinished. That's gonna happen sunday.

The reason that is bad is because when i moved into school, i had all this alcohol i had hidden in my room at home, in the bottom of my closet, and i couldn't take it with me because i couldn't figure out where to pack it in all my things so that i could be positive that my parents wouldn't find it while we were moving in. So I left it, sitting there buried in my closet, and i planned to just come back and get it whenever i came home next. I never thought my mom would be getting our hardwoods refinished so soon.

So can you see why that would be a problem? In the bottom of my closet I had two fifths of vodka, a little bit of crown royal, and a huge painted cup from my ocho de mayo party that was clearly used to get crunk. On sunday a man is coming out to finish all my floors, including the ones in my closet, which would surely have to be cleaned out by my parents.

Plus, I had some other things (notes and a pair of boxers....lame, i know) from my douche bag ex boyfriend hidden in my dresser drawers, which are also going to be cleaned out on sunday so that my furniture can be repainted.

So, to sum up, i need to get home a clean out my room before sunday if i wished to live any longer.

I know what you're thinking...why didn't you just go home this weekend and pack it with your things when you left? Well, that would have been a good idea, but i couldn't cover that up. There is absolutely NO reason for me to be home this weekend
1)i hardly ever come home for anything, so it would be suspicious to come home for no reason during my second week of school
2) there is a huge football game tomorrow which my mom knows im going to. Why would i come home and miss that?
3) i couldn't tell my parents i needed to come home to get some things that I forgot to bring with me to school, because I just saw them at the lake last weekend and had them bring me a list of things I knew I needed...not yet aware that my floors would be redone this weekend.

So anyway, the only logical (ha!) thing that I could do, would be to drive up there while my parents were at work, sneak into my own house without them knowing, and clean everything out. That was my only option, clearly. Yes, this story IS THAT PATHETIC.

So these last couple days ive been trying to figure out when my mom would be coming home from work. I had three options: 2:00 pm, 3:00 pm, or 6:00 pm.
99% of days, my mom is home either at 3 or 6, but oh no, today would be one of the ONLY early days she ever works, where she gets off at 1:30 and would be home by 2 at the latest. Of course.

So to continue, i went out last night with CJ, and got pretty drunk. I drank almost a full bottle of wine and 4-5 beers, all on an empty stomach. L didn't come out with us last night, which i was upset about, but that's another long story that I won't include in this novel of a post.

I got back to my dorm at 2 AM, and I had to get up and go to my french class at 9:10...and i just couldn't skip it. So I got up, went to french incredibly tired and still kinda drunk, then after french I booked it to my car, picked CJ up, and we drove like maniacs the two hours back to my house.

Do the math....
I got out of class and left campus at 10:30.
My house is an hour ahead of my school, so 11:30 their time.
It takes me a good two hours to drive back home, meaning I would get there at 1:30, the exact time that my mom got off work and came home.
I had a window of about 20 minutes to clean out my room and escape without my mom coming home to find me in the house, unannounced, with a purse full of alcohol.

Well, I crossed one more thing off my bucket list today...I drove over 100 mph. Not for very long, but i did for about 2 miles, and did around 85-90 most of the way home.

I kept laughing because if I were to get pulled over, I would have to explain to my parents why I had a HUGE ticket, thus raising my insurance, that i got by driving 100 mph in the rain on the way back to my house to preform a heist with last night's alcohol still in my system.
It was pretty risky.

So I made it home by about 1:10, ran inside with CJ, raided my room, and ran back out and left in about 5 minutes. I felt like i should have been wearing all black and had a ski mask over my face.
Didn't get caught. awesome.

So long story short, I succeeded. CJ and I went to get something to eat (she was really hungover and claimed we needed Qdoba. you know how I feel about that place) then drove 2 hours back to campus, where i took 2 Tylenol and fell into bed for about a 3 hour nap.

She wanted me to go get drunk with her again when we got back..but i was just too tired and had too bad of a headache for it.

Intake for the day:
1 muffin (which my roommate brought me and insisted i eat this morning)
1 Qdoba burrito (fuck)
1 granola bar
1 snack cup of mandarin oranges

and i'm about to go drink a shit ton more calories too.


Well anyway, thats my ridiculous yet pathetic story. I probably could have made it more exciting, but it's just too long and i don't feel like it right now. I'm pretty sure I need to re-examine my life haha

hope you enjoyed.

Thursday, September 9, 2010


thanks for all the encouraging posts/advice last night, you really dont know how much it means. I've calmed down now, and gotten things into perspective again, so i'm really not as worried about it now.

I'm going out with CJ and L to a party tonight. Should be pretty awesome.

Tomorrow as soon as my class is done i'm driving two hours back home to break into my house before my parents get off work. I'll explain tomorrow.

today i've eaten:
1 granola bar: 170 cals
1 dole fruit cup: 80 cals

Not bad at all.

I haven't been working out, but i haven't been eating much either, so it's not so bad.

Of course i'm about to go drink who knows how many calories.

But i'm trying to keep most days like today. maybe a little more, maybe a little less, depending.

Of course i have plans to drink every day this weekend, too.

Alcohol on an empty stomach.

Please pray that I don't die.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

out of control.

i'm freaking out. I think i'm having a borderline panic attack. My heart is racing, my stomach is all twisted up in knots, and i know it's unreasonable, but i can't stop. I need help.

It all started with talking to CJ today about applying for nursing school. We were just talking about the application, and our chances of getting accepted, and it made me start wondering about how good my chances are. So i go look up the nursing school application. Basically, i have to take a test before i'm accepted, and my score is weighed into my application. It tests me on anatomy/physiology, math, reading, grammar, all the basics. I started to get all stressed out cause i'm bad at math, and i'm afraid that i won't remember enough anatomy/physiology. AND i got a B in one of my science classes, which isn't good cause they weigh you science GPA separately from your overall GPA. I start freaking out because I feel like i'm not gonna get accepted, which is highly likely because my school's nursing program is one of the hardest/most competitive in the state. 150-175 people apply each semester and only 40 or so are accepted. But i do have a 3.79 GPA, and I am an honors student, and I am taking a full course load.

So I try to calm myself down over that. But then I start to look for the possibility of deferring nursing school for a year when I go to France. This has been my plan all along, to just tell them after i'm (hopefully) accepted and then deffer it for a year and start when I return from France. Then I find this statement on the nursing application..

Nursing requires mandatory class and clinical attendance. You will be assigned a failing grade if you miss 20% of the scheduled classes or clinical in a semester FOR ANY REASON. While we try to keep all classes and clinical on M-F between the hours of 6 am and 6 pm, you may be required to attend class anytime between the hours of 5 am to 11pm on any day of the week.
Do you have ANY personal or other situations that would prevent you from being available to attend classes and clinical as assigned during the next two years? ____yes______no

That's when I really start to freak out. What will I check in that box come January when I actually have to fill it out?!

Then I start to think about France.

I'm moving to a foreign country. All alone. With what has thus far turned out to be a minimal knowledge of the language. As soon as I get there, I basically have to be a mom for two small children. I'm responsible for them. I have to plan activities for them and get them to and from school. And oh yeah, I have to teach them english. Did i mention that they are 3 and 5 years old and speak no english whatsoever at this point? And did I already mention that I barely speak french?!

I have no teaching experience. How am I going to teach these two kids an entirely new language when I still haven't mastered one myself?! What can I do for lesson plans? What if they don't understand me AT ALL?! What if the parents think i'm a horrible au pair and send me back? Will I be stuck at home in the US with no job, no school, no hopes of getting into nursing school?

Then I beat myself up for not losing weight, and for eating more than I wanted to today and not getting to work out.

Plus several other things that I just don't have the strength to write about for fear that I will stop breathing. I think I have generalized anxiety disorder. ...and there goes one more thing to worry about.

At this point i'm basically hyperventilating. Like i said, i know it's an overreaction, but i just can't stop. So much stress. So little time to plan. Help me guys! Seriously...especially if you have any ideas on how to teach two kids english...

thank you all so much for all the support. I'm sorry to freak out on you all/worry you. this isn't something that usually gets this out of control.


i've found myself a little picnic table on campus in the shade by a big beautiful fountain where I can waste away a few hours before my next class. On tuesdays, i have a two hour break between classes and I don't want to walk back to my dorm, so I just stay here and relax for a bit. I guess this will also be when I do a bit of blogging.

I usually get lunch right now with some friends, but their work on campus has started so no one is free. This would upset me, but this actually gives me the oppotunity to skip another meal with no one noticing. I had cereal this morning, because i need a little bit of food between 7 and 4:30 when I have classes, but i won't eat lunch today, and i will go work out during dinner time in hopes of possibly skipping that meal too. This year is easier to restrict, and i'm thankful for that...because i need to lose weight. BADLY.

I think tonight i'm hanging out with CJ and L in the other dorm. I hope so, at least. He wrote on my facebook wall that I should come over to hang out with them tonight, so of course i don't want to turn that down.

I'm also thinking about weighing in today. I haven't weighed myself since the first time i went to the gym this year (last sunday, i think?) so it's been over a week, and i've been working out a lot, but i also ate a ton of calories this weekend at the lake. And I don't feel any skinnier.

Today's intake:
1 bowl of special K cereal with skim milk: 170

Work out plan: go to the gym after classes and run a mile, walk 2 miles, then do some abs.

Please pray that it works out for me like this.

Love you all.

Monday, September 6, 2010

labor day! much work. I was definitely not ready for all the work to begin again. I miss having nothing to do! My schedule is packed this semester though (19 hours) and I can easily skip breakfast and lunch, which i've done a few times. And, with the whole new dorm thing, people aren't getting big groups together to go out for dinner, so long story short, i've managed to stay around 1 meal or 2 pretty small meals a day. MUCH better than what I was eating last year. I've been resisting the pasta and the desserts and opting for just a sandwich wrap. Not too bad.

I've been working my ass off at the gym lately. I've kicked my butt into gear and i've been dedicated to going to the gym every day. I've been running a mile (HUGE accomplishment for me, i used to not even be able to run for a quarter mile) and then i physically can't go any farther. I'm gonna work myself up into a decent runner this year though. I enjoy it SO much, it's just really hard for me. After I run a mile, i run/walk anohter 2 miles or so, then i go do some abs.

I also tried hot yoga for the first time the other day. If you all are wondering what it's's HARD. My roommate and I went together (and this is the roommate whom I really think has an eating disorder/addiction to working out) and it was brutal, even for her. The room was 115 degrees (that's not an exaggeration...) and I was laying in a pool of my own sweat before we even started doing any exercises. The class was an hour long, did a ton of cruches/yoga/ the time we left I swore I would never go back again, but as soon as i stepped outside, i felt AMAZING. My clothes looked like I had jumped in a pool...but i felt accomplished afterwards and i wasn't incredibly sore the next day. I've heard it's really good for you, and i have another free session to use, so i think i'm going to go thursday.

Anyway, I weighed myself on the gym scale last sunday, and with my shoes on and everything I was 148. :( I knew our scale at home was terrible. It was upsetting, but at least now I have an accurate weight to go by, and i'm really dedicated to working out now. I've decided to reset my scale at the top of my page, and jsut start over! wish me luck ladies...please call me out on whenever i fuck up, and keep me motivated. PLEASE! i love you all!