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Monday, September 10, 2012

Wtf is wrong with me?

Well, i've lost all control. Every. Single. Ounce.

Just looked at my last post, and I was 126.4? Fuck you, former self. I'm now back up to around 135. I feel fat and huge and disgusting and like a whale. Of course, I am on my period, so i'm super bloated, but even when I'm not on my period, it's still obvious that I've gained quite a bit back. All that work for nothing. That's what makes me so mad about this.

I have no excuse either. I have exercised ZERO, and I am eating like a cow. I mean, today I've eaten:

A bowl of special K cereal with skim milk
Chick-fil-a Bacon egg and cheese biscuit
about 4 ketchup packets (you may be laughing, but that's like 60 calories, at least!)
a handful of almonds and craisins
a fun sized package of M&Ms
A blowpop
a glass of juice

Oh, btw, have I mentioned that it's only 4:30, and still haven't eaten dinner?? I mean really, I know I'm having the menstrual cravings, but that is just disgusting.

I want a tattoo so bad. Well, a couple of them actually. I want them on my ribs, but every time I look in the mirror, I see rolls of fat staring back at me. No way I can get one when I look like this.

I'm asking my friend to burn me the copy of insanity that he has. I'm going to hate every single fucking second of it, but I dont care. I'm gonna do it. It's the fastest way to lose weight by exercise that I know of, and I'm gonna do it. I want to see a huge difference in just two months time.

I'm gonna start starving again too. No, not actually starving. But I'm gonna stay around 1,000 cals per day. Water only to drink. No excuses.

Monday, January 16, 2012


Hovering around 126.4 currently, according to our new scale. I'm very excited about that, but i'm getting pretty anxious to get back to school to check its accuracy against the scale in our gym. I expected to feel a lot better about how I looked by the time I got to this point, but when I look in the mirror, I still feel like I have a ways to go. Don;t get me wrong, i don't look bad anymore, and I've been getting compliments left and right about how good and how skinny I look, but I wish I was a little skinnier and a lot more toned. I'm just kind of soft right now, and my legs still look pretty big to me. I'm hoping that i'll actually be able to find time every now and then this semester to work out, but i don't look for it. This will definitely be the hardest semester I have ever had.

I'm also trying really hard to stay happy lately. Let me tell you what's been going on. Last time i posted, I wrote about going to lunch with L, right? Well let me tell you how that turned out. It was awkward. I tried my hardest to be normal and make conversation, but the whole time, I could jsut tell that he didn't want to be there. I let it go and didn't say anything about it, hoping that things would get better. Every few days after that, I would text him and ask him if he had time for lunch or dinner at all, and he would always say no, that he was busy. He stopped giving me excuses or trying to reschedule at all, he would jsut say he had plans and leave it at that. After about 3 weeks of that, I went to our school food court one night to get some food and as I was waiting in line to check out, he got in line behind me. He obviously saw me, but didnt say a word to me. Instead, he started talking to another friend of his that was behind us, and when she asked him what he had done that weekend, he said "oh, I visited the land of a thousand jello shots!" I was instantly angry, because I was sick of being lied to. I knew he was busy, but if he had time to visit the land of a thousand jello shots, why did he not have time for a half hour meal with me in the last 3 weeks? I bought my food and stormed out of the food court without saying anything to him.

The next day, I got to thinking about everything. I decided that I didn't liek the way things were at all, and it was time to do something about it. I knew L had asked for his distance so that we could move on, but he had also said that we could still be friends and eat together occasionally. I realized how angry I had been at him for the past few weeks, and I hated that. I knew if I stayed angry at him much longer, I would end up hating him, and I would hate that about myself. I texted him, asking if we could get together and talk soon, and the next day, I finally got a text back the next day (friday) saying that he was busy that day, but we agreed to meet the next day.

That night, I went out to a party with my friends. I got drunk, of course. at about 1:30 that night, I covinced my friend to let me sleep in his bed that night, since i wasn't driving home, obviously. As i was laying in his bed while he took a shower, I called L. Of course, this is the one and only part of the night that I don;t exactly remember. I remember that it went to his voicemail after about 3 rings, meaning that he had ignored my call, and I left him a message. I think I told him that I really needed to talk to him tomorrow, but I'm not at all sure what I said. I ended up getting a ride home from a friend shortly after that, and the next morning when I woke up, I texted L telling him that I was sorry for calling him, and that if he didn't want to meet and talk taht day, I understood. Apparently he didn't want to meet, because he never texted me back. For the next few weeks, i left him alone completely and didn't try to talk to him. I really gave him his space that he wanted. I knew things weren't good between us, but I didn't actually know quite how bad they actually were. I wanted to talk to him about everything, just to see where we stood, so I texxted him (this was about 2-3 weeks after calling him) and asked him if we could meet that week (which was finals week) just so I could say goodbye, because he was flying to Ecuador to study abroad for a semester in a few weeks. He never texted me, but I figured he was busy studying for finals.

I had bought a nice pair of rayban sunglasses that he had really wanted for him at the beginning of the year that I had planned to give him for his birthday. His birthday was in two days. I still had the glasses in my room, as well as a pair of his clothes that I knew he would want back before he left, so I did the only thing I could think of. I wrote him a note, explaining that I had bought the glasses for him months ago, that I hoped that he had a very happy birthday, and at the end, I simply wrote "i miss you." and that was it. I had the code to unlock his car, so i went out one day, left the glasses, his clothes, and the note in his front seat and left. Two days later, on his birthday, I woke up, and posted a message on his facebook wall that simply said "Happy brithday, L!" from my phone. My phone had been acting up, so a few hours later, I went back to his page to maek sure it posted. I didn't see it, and figured my phone had messed up, so I posted the same message again. I checked later from my computer, and found that he had defriended me. I started crying, so hurt, and tried to call him. Of course, he didn't answer, but I left a tearful voicemail asking if he would just call and talk to me about whatever had happened.

Then I went a little crazy. I was so hurt, and angry, that i sent him a very angry text message, telling him that I couldn't believe that he could do this to me with no explanation, that if he thought I wasn't over him, he was wrong, i hoped he had a happy fucking birthday, and so on. The next day, I was sitting in my room studying, when my friend walked in. I told him what had happened with L, and he was apalled that he would actually defriend me, but then told me that he had just talked to L, and that L had a new girlfriend. I was hurt even more. I could tell byt the way I felt that I really had moved on from L and that I didn;t want to date him again, but I just felt like it was a slap in the face that just a few months earlier, he had told me that he loved me, and that he really wanted to be with me more than anything, but that he needed time for himself and that he didn;t want to have a girlfriend while he was in Ecuador. Apparently that all wasn't true. I had finally calmed down, and knowing that he wouldn't answer any call from me, I texted him yet again, telling him that I was sorry about the day before, but that I was just so hurt, and that I knew he had a new girlfriend, and if that had anything to do with why he wasn;t talking to me, that he didn;t need to worry because I was very happy for him and hoped that everything would work out between them. He, of course, never texted me back.

Three days later, I was at home for Christmas break, when I got a text from L that just said "the glasses are in your mailbox." I wrote back saying "Ok...could you jsut give me two sentences to tell me why you hate me then I promise to leave you alone for forever?" He never wrote back.

I cried a lot for the next few days, wondering how the person who had promised to always be my best friend could just stop talking to me. And not jsut stop talking to me, but literally come to hate me without explaining why. I knew I had drunk dialed him a few times throughout the semester, and I knew that I had wanted to be more than just friends for a while, but toward the end, I really had stopped flirting at all, and only slipped up once while I was drunk. He still hasn't spoken a single word to me since, and is now in Ecuador. It hurts so much. My best friend is gone. I don't miss L my boyfriend, I miss the L that I could call or text at anytime, and tell him everything that was going on with me. I miss being able to laugh at the smallest, stupidest things with him. I miss being able to see him walking on campus and actually being able to say hello instead of having to awkwardly ignore him. I'm trying hard to stay strong, and to just leave it in God's hands and hope that one day we can have our friendship again, but it's so hard. So hard.

Ok, that's my long, depressing story. I'm going back to school this weekend, so hopefully all the work will get my mind off of it all. And, at least he is another continent away and I wont have to worry about seeing him on campus this semester. Hopefully, after a few months, we'll at least be able to move past this enough to at least be on speaking terms. Hopefully. I'll continue to pray, and hope that you all will keep me in my prayers as well. I never had a best friend like he was to me.

Monday, January 2, 2012



Today my mom bought a new scale, and as far we can tell, it is pretty accurate. Anyway, after not weighing myself for months, I stepped on and got 129.6! That's the first time I have officially been in the 120's since high school. I am so excited! Plus, I tried on a dress that I bought two years ago that was superrr tight on me, and it's almost falling off now! What a great day! Hopefully I'll post pictures later. For now though, I'm off to celebrate :)