Thoughts from a sleepless night

It's 7:30 am, and I SO wish that I was sleeping right now. I fell asleep at 2:30 am, woke up at 4:30, and have been awake ever since. Just laying in my bed, watching my room get lighter and lighter. I have no idea why I didn't sleep last night. Of course, I've always had some sleeping problems, and I'm awake until 2:30 or so almost every night, but at least when I fall asleep, I like to stay asleep. Apparently not last night though. *sigh* oh well.

So other random thoughts. I don't know if I've said this, but I love to cook. I mean, absolutely love it. I'm well aware of how ironic that is, but hey, I'm also well aware that I am a walking irony.

I'll embrace that.

Well, I love to cook for people, so last night I invited my grandparents over to have a big dinner with me and my family. Normally, my whole cooking thing isn't a problem, because it's simply the actual act of cooking the food that brings me joy, not necessarily eating it, so it's easy for me to resist my own food and only eat very small portions of it if I eat it at all. So yesterday I'm fixing an elaborate meal (the most complicated one I've ever attempted on my own) and irony slaps me in the face once again. Irony part 2: I have some pretty severe/frequent episodes of hypoglycemia. If I don't eat, my blood sugar drops very low, and I start to shake, I become incredibly nervous, lightheaded, can't think straight, etc. I've gotten pretty good at telling when this is starting though, so usually if I eat something small I instantly feel better. But I guess since I was up moving around so much and cooking yesterday, I didn't feel it coming until it was too late. My sugar dropped to one of the lowest levels I've ever felt.

Enter uncontrollable shaking and borderline panic attack.

At this point, I'm in the process of handling raw chicken for my main dish, and I'm already running a little late and having trouble with the whole dish, and I just lost it. I stop everything, wash my hands real fast, then run and get some lemonade and peanut butter crackers. My mom sees me sitting in the kitchen chair shaking, and offers to help with the chicken, but I tell her just to give me a minute and I would be fine. I guess since I had let it get so low, however, it took much longer for me to get better. Like I said, when this happens, I get EXTREMELY nervous and can't think straight, so as I'm struggling to make this complicated chicken dish, I just have a nervous breakdown. I start crying my eyes out, my mom freaks out and thinks that I've just stressed myself out too much, and that I need to calm down, but I just can't. She has to cook the rest of the chicken while I sit there and cry.

I eventually got better after I ate some dinner, and I was just fine after that. But I was thinking....I'm a really religious person and am one of those "everything happens for a reason" kind of people, so I'm wondering if I was meant to have this hypoglycemia. I also have a stomach problem which requires me to eat a lot of small meals throughout the day or else I'll feel sick. If anyone out there believes in God and is pretty religious, then hopefully you can see where I'm coming from.

Do you think God gave me these weird problems that require me to eat so often, and my passion for cooking because he knew that without them, I would have a pretty strong eating disorder?

But why, if that is true, did he create me with such a low self esteem and such a love for food--which would in turn make me fat and fuel the eating disorder?

Does any of this make sense? I may just be rambling a load of nonsense stemming from my sleepless night.


Ughhhh, have to "get up" in an hour and go to work/practice until noon, then meeting my friends at the pool at 3, then work/practice again until 8. Looks like nap time wont happen today. Maybe I'll use my 3 free hours to fit in a little more exercise. I've been absolutely dying to go running lately, but it's just too damn hot outside. I hate being hot. I hate being cold though too. Yet another case of what a walking contradiction I am.

Long post, but I'm almost finished I swear. A huge THANK YOU to all of my followers. It's a little pathetic how excited I am to know that other people out there actually find my boring life interesting, even if it is only like 6 people. And all of the encouraging comments are awesome. Just like you. You are all awesome, awesome ladies. Love you all with all of my heart. I love SO much to read your all's blogs and hear about what's up in your lives as well, and I'm wishing you ALL the best of luck and am so proud of what you all have accomplished. Hope you all have had a better few days then I have!