Ok so today was a little bit of an emotional rollercoaster for me. You know the whole france thing? Well I wasn't sure if I could do it because I have a couple of scholarships to school and I didn't know if I could quit school for a year and still have my scholarships when I returned. Well ok so my biggest scholarship is through a hospital, and basically they pay $6,000 a year for my schooling. For ever $6,000 they pay me, I've agreed to work for them for 1 year when I get out of school. It's a pretty amazing deal. But, if I change my major or decide not to work for them, etc. I have to pay all the money back.
So I call the people in charge of that scholarship today, explain my situation, and ask them if there was any way I could postpone my scholarship for a year in order to take this incredible opportunity. I mean, i didn't think it would be a huge problem, my grades were AWESOME this year, I assured them that I would be returning to school the following fall, and even if I didn't, they wouldn't lose a single penny of their money because I would still be required to pay them back. Well of course, for some reason they still said no, that if I left for a year I would have to pay them the $6,000 back from last year and they would drop me from the scholarship program. *sigh* After I hung up with them I just burst into tears. This is my dream...i mean my absolute dream. But I always told myself that if I would lose my scholarships, then I would stay here and in school. I also prayed about this a lot, (i'm a very religous person whether it shows in my blog or not) and I basically told God that I was giving this decision to him, and that if I wasn't meant to go, that he would make that choice clear.
So I spent a good few hours being depressed over that today. But then I was at lunch with my mom and sister, and my mom was talking about her job and how it is so mundane and she gets tired of doing the same thing over and over again every single day, and how you just have to do what makes you happy in life. Right then and there, a little voice pops into my head. Okay, so it actually wasn't so little, it was more like a loud screaming voice....
"Frenzy, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" it said "you have the rest of your life to go to school and get your degree. You will probably NEVER have another chance to live right in the heart of Paris, and actually get PAID to do so. THIS IS YOUR DREAM! WHY ARE YOU GIVING THAT UP?!"
so this raises the question. How much would you sell your dreams for? Apparently in my case, I have to decide if my dream is worth more than the $24,000 in scholarship money that I would be giving up. This voice in my head is screaming "GO! GO! GO! GO YOU IDIOT, GET SOME STUDENT LOANS AND DON'T LET THIS OPPORTUNITY PASS YOU!"
I dont know guys...I'm so practical when it comes to my education. I take it SO seriously...I'm a pretty free spirit and I love to make new adventures in my life...but i have ALWAYS put my school first. I'm so scared....but then again, I don't want to be 50 years old thinking back on my 25+ years of work, sighing and thinking of what could have been. I want to be 50 years old and telling my kids "you know, when I was 18, I dropped everything and moved to France for a year. I was scared out of my mind, but I survived, and you know what? somehow everything worked out for me in the end. I don't know what I was so afraid of, it was one of the best decisions of my life."
I mean, i'm going into healthcare, i'm gonna be a nurse, so i'll probably always be able to find a job right? But $24,000 and a guaranteed 4 year job contract straight out of school is so much to just throw away for a year. But like I said, i'm really religous,a dn I asked God to make my choice clear. Do you think this was him telling me that i'm not meant to go? I dont know guys...I feel like you all can see this from a completely practical and outsiders point of view, but I still see you all as someone who knows the true me and is basically a best friend. So what would you all do?
Sorry for the incredibly long/emotional/confusing post. Like i said, my mind is always in a frenzy (hence my name) and sometimes i just can't think through it on my own. thanks for always being there for me guys..and sorry this blog has centered so little around the weight issue lately (which is what it is supposed to be about) but this is my life, and sometimes i just need help. thanks for always being so positive and caring about all this, you guys are really amazing people...inside and out, and i truely mean that.
In weight loss news, I had a swim meet last night, and afterwards the whole team went out to dinner at BW3's. I was soo hungry, but i stayed strong enough to resist! I waited until I got home then had another bowl of special K cereal, so i'm really proud! Today wasn't so great, but the scale still says 144 so i'm not upset. Btw, i think i need to get a new scale. it's pretty old and i don;t think its that accurate...plus it only measures by whole pounds, so i can't tell hwne i lose or gain at all! hmm...i'll add that to the shopping list lol Back to 2 practices a day tomorrow. That makes it a whole lost easier to lose because that 4 hours a day when I literally can't eat or think about food, and i'm actually working off calories. I seriously CANNOT wait to see those pounds start dropping off the scale again. that will be SO exciting.
Oh yeah, and we had some really bad storms at my house toay, but I was looking outside right before it started, and a fucking TORNADO was forming just down the street from our house! it was tiny, and never actually formed into anything dangerous, but you could see it coming down from the clouds and touching the ground and it was legit spinning. It was crazy. A real tornado outside my house. Jeeze. we have pictures, so maybe i'll upload them later so you can see. Glad it didn't turn into anything big, but for a good half hour you could see little fingers and funnels dropping out of this wall of clouds by my house. it was pretty scary!
ok so this emotional rollercoaster had come to an end. Hope you all enjoyed the ride and didn't puke your lunch up (haha huge pun intended there...wow i'm so lame.) but i think i'm actually gonna try to go to sleep before 3 am tonight. See you all tomorrow!