short.

i don't really feel liek writing a lot tonight.
niagra was pretty cool...i could have seen it all in 30 minutes though instead of spending a full 2 days there, but whatever, i love having time with my family. Eating didn't go so well, i expected to not be able to count my calories while i was there, but the family also stopped at like the only 2 fast food places that I didnt look up calories for...figures.

today went pretty well eating wise.
I wanted to try to fast again today, and am really happy to say that i distracted myself with another day of cleaning shit out of my room, so i made it all the way until dinner. Im guessing i had around 600-700 calories today, not bad. i feel like i look very fat today though. like more than ever. I want to lose weight SO badly...to look in the mirror and not feel like a cow, to not pick at every flaw of my body, to not wake up every day and pinch the skin aorund my bones in hopes that my fat has magically disappeared. I NEED to lose weight, badly. im getting very dedicated and almost obsessive with this diet though lately, and it seems like i'm never cutting back enough. Even when I fasted, i still thought i could go longer...exercise more.

I wonder how out of control im going to let this get. Lately i've been thinking a lot about this and i keep asking myself the question "if i woke up tomorrow and was magiacally my ideal weight, would I...actually COULD i stop?"
could i stop coutning calories?
could i stop obsessing?
would i finally be happy with myself and quit?
It's scary, but i feel like i couldn't...like this is some necessary part of my life now that i can't live without.
If i woke up tomorrow at my goal weight and skinny i don't think i could stop this restriction.

what do you all think you would do?