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Friday, July 9, 2010

Let's give 'em somethin to talk about...

k so i made a pact (is that the right word/right spelling?) or a "promise" if you will that I'm going to stop weighing myself every day. I'm trying to do just once a week, but i doubt that will last long. I mean, it's been like 2 days so far and it's like im already losing my fucking mind. WTF. who does that? seriously, it's like I realize every single day that i just have more and more problems, and i sit there and think to myself "did i ever imagine that this would be my life?"

Don't get me wrong. As of this point in my life, I don't think I would change how i'm living at all. I actually like having these problems. Which is even more fucked up if you think about it. I'll admit it though, i'm an attention whore. Point blank, plain and simple. I try to hide it, and if you ever met me you would most likely never know, but I love compliments and I love attention 99% of the time. Whatever, we all have our vices. At least we admitt ours openly. Heres to you, you fellow image-obsessed camera/perfection/attention/all around whores. Go us!

Lol ok, not calling everyone on here one of those things, but we all have a little comething wrong with us somewhere. Hell, let's all be honest, we're not doing this completely for ourselves, as much as we say it is. If we were genuinely doing it 100% just for US, we would do it a very healthy way, and not care how long it took. We're doing it for everyone else. Maybe not someone specific, but most of us are at least probably doing it because that's what society tells us we should look like. We're doing it for ATTENTION.

Ok, enough of my bitter conspiracy theory schizo shit. Don't know where it came from, really, but I hope i amused you all in some way.

I've also decided (among other things) that i'm going to be 1,000% honest on this blog from now not keep a single inconsequential thought from you all.

Oh, and btw, i really never curse this much in real life. Not that i'm concerned that i'll "offend" anyone on here, but I just feel that you all should know that my inner monologue is a whole lot more vulgar than my regular conversational language.

I'm getting restless again. Like always. I'm always restless in my life.

I need....SEX!

*GASP* haha ok, so i don't really need sex...

if you've read my blog for a while, i'll openly admitt that i'm that rare kind of girl they call a virgin. (not criticizing anyone out there who isn't, in fact I love to read about it if you aren't, but mine is a personal choice) I'll openly confess though that i've pretty much done everything besides sex. Especailly when i was with nick....but that is a different story that I prefer not to dwell upon. I was very, VERY different at that time in my life, and most things I was kinda forced into in a way....long story.

But see my other posts about how the drunken slut in me likes to make a frequent appearance at school.

This brings me to my point:
no school=no parties.
no parties= no alcohol
no alcohol= no drunken frenzy
no drunken frenzy= no fun crazy hookups with random guys.

I told myself I would quit doing that anyway (while I was at school)...but I kinda miss it. Just a little. I just need a good make-out session or something.

Ok, enough of that...

I'm gonna steal this survey that is floating around to help combat my restlessness. Enjoy =]

I AM...
[ ] anorexic
[x] ednos
[ ] bulimic
[ ] living off diet pills
[ ] hungry
[] thirsty
[ ] drinking something
[ ] Under 100lbs
[x pretty much] starving yourself
[ ] participating in a fast

[ ] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[ ] call me fat
[ ] say I’m skinny
[ ] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[ ] spread rumors about me
[ ] force me to eat
[x my mother, sometimes] say I eat too much
[ ] wish I’d eat more
[x] don't know I'm anorexic/bulimic/ednos

[x] I was THIN
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn't have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[ ] I was under 110lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[ ] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was pretty
[ ] I could stop being ana/mia

[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference when fasting
[ ] shaking
[ ] being weak
[x] losing weight
[ ] being anorexic
[x] green tea
[ ] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself

[x] I am shorter than 5'4. I am 5"4.
[x] I think I'm ugly sometimes
[ ] I have many scars
[x] I tan easily
[x] I wish my hair was a different color
[ ] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color
[ ] I have a tattoo
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance
[ ] I had braces
[ ] I wear glasses
[ ] I wear contacts
[x] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100 safe, free of cost, and scar-free
[x] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger
[ ] I have more than 2 piercings
[ ] I have piercings in places besides my ears
[a couple] I have freckles

[ ] I've sworn at my parents
[ ] I've run away from home
[ ] I've been kicked out of the house
[x] My biological parents are together
[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old
[x] I want to have kids someday
[ ] I've had children
[ ] I've lost a child

[ ] I've slipped out a "lol" in a spoken conversation
[ ] Disney movies still make me cry
[x] I've peed from laughing
[ ] I've snorted while laughing
[x] I've laughed so hard I've cried
[x] I've glued my hand to something
[ ] I've laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose
[ ] I've had my trousers rip in public

[x] I'm single
[ ] I'm in a relationship
[ ] I'm engaged
[ ] I'm married
[ ] I've gone on a blind date
[ ] I've been the dumpee more than the dumper
[ ] I miss someone right now
[x] I have a fear of abandonment
[ ] I've cheated in a relationship
[ ] I've gotten divorced
[x] I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
[x] I've told someone I loved them when I didn't
[ ] I've told someone I didn't love them when I did
[x] I've kept something from a past relationship

[ ] I've had a crush on someone of the same sex
[ ] I've had a crush on a teacher
[x] I am a cuddler
[ ] I've been kissed in the rain
[x] I've hugged a stranger
[x] I have kissed a stranger

[x] I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't
[x] I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't
[x] I've snuck out of my house
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world
[x] I've cheated while playing a game
[x] I've cheated on a test
[ ] I've been suspended from school

[x] I've consumed alcohol
[ ] I drink regularly
[ ] I can't swallow pills
[ ] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[ ] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression
[ ] I shut others out when I'm upset
[ ] I take anti-depressants
[x] I'm anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS.
[x] I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it
[x] I've hurt myself on purpose
[ ] I'm addicted/ have been addicted to self harm
[x] I've woken up crying
[x] I've lost weight
[x] I've gained weight
[x] My weight holds me back
[x] Weight consumes me.
[ ] I'm at my thinnest
[ ] I'm at my biggest
[x] I've lost weight and kept it off
[x] I've lost weight but gained it back
[x] My weight affects my mood
[x trying not to...] I weigh myself daily
[x] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me
[x] I thrive on compliments
[x] I feel bigger than people who are my size
[x] I feel happy when I'm hungry
[x] I get depressed after I eat
[x] I've skipped a meal
[x] I've thrown food away
[x] I've spit food out
[x] I've fasted
[ ] I've taken diet pills
[x] I've used laxatives
[x tried and failed] I've purged
[ ] Bulimia
[ ] Orthorexia
[x] Over-exercising
[ ] Binge eating
[x] I exercise
[x] I exercise so I can eat
[x] I work out secretly
[mostly] I work out daily
[x] I exercise to counteract eating
[ ] I've fainted from exhaustion

[ ] Weed
[ ] Cigarettes
[x] Alcohol
[ ] Diet pills
[x] Pain killers
[ ] Anti-depressants
[ ] Ecstasy
[ ] LSD
[ ] Mushrooms
[ ] Speed
[ ] Cocaine

[x] I keep my eating habits a secret
[x] I have an ED blog
[x] I look at thinspo
[x] I collect thinspo
[x] I condone pro-ana/mia sites
[x] I count calories
[x] I've had negative intake days
[x] I avoid food
[ ] I hate food
[x] I love food, it's a love/hate relationship
[x] I want to be this way
[ ] I don't want to be like this
[x] I wish I could have more control
[x] Being thin is my top priority sometimes
[x] I don't want to get better
[ ] I am in treatment
[x] I'm doing this for me
[x] I'm doing this for someone
[x] I'm doing this to prove myself

Thanks lilah lee!

1 comment:

  1. I love you :] And you blog cracks me up!
    Haha once again, basically everything you said is exactly the thoughts I have been having as well... Like, the whole "liking" our problems? WTF... o well haha.

    But yeah, everything you write makes complete sense to me and its almost as if your writing out my thoughts :D

    Love you