bitch fest, round 2

I'm just gonna fight off my laziness and finally take 5 minutes to make a new post. Don't want to disappoint, I mean, it's kinda sad that I follow all of these blogs and people never update. I followed you for a reason guys, man up. :)

So we all remember evan right? My high school almost rebound guy? haha hung out with him again yesterday to watch the world cup finale. (Go spain!....even though I was definitely rooting for the portugese, italians, Americans, and Aussies before you...) And I know what you're thinking
"OMG, she used to have a huge crush on him, he's obviously very flirtatious AND frenzy was just saying how she wanted to hook up with someone soon! That must mean a juicy story!" WELL......sorry, no. Nothing happened. Just me and him, alone in his living room, as he tried to convince me to eat a ton of this mexican dip and fruit that his mom made us. And I did. No surprise there. Felt so sick afterwards though...serves my fatass right. Anyway, he kept doing that really lame "im just stretching my arms but ill put one behind you when i'm done" thing that you see from really awkward guys in the movies, but besides a couple playful punches and a few tight hugs, nothing happened. I can't decide whether I'm happy (because I didn't really want to hook up with him) or kinda sad because I just want an exciting story to post on here for once. Oh how lame am I?

Today has been a bad diet day too. Hospitality room at the swim meet I was working at= pizza and cookies. shit. I'm just getting so frustrated lately. Heres what my daily routine has become:
1) wake up
2) sit for a few minutes, then go weigh myself.
3) Scale says 144.
4) i go into a major depression for about 10 minutes, trying to convince myself that I either have a piece of shit scale or i'm getting close to starting my period so I shouldn't worry.
5) I say "what the hell are you thinking. you're such a failure. You've gotten lazy with this diet."
6) I continue to have an internal debate with myself for the next hour as to whether I am eating too much or I'm eating so little that I'm in starvation mode. I mean, even on my horrible free days I eat probably at max 1500, which is lower than it should be. I eventually settle for lazy ass.
7) wait until 1 o'clock then decide to have some cereal.
8) feel guilty for eating at all (since i'm doing so terrible) then go find a piece of "comfort food cake" to battle the sudden depression
9) I realize that i have once again messed up, so i just say "fuck it all" for the rest of the day
10) Vow to myself that tomorrow will be better, then go to bed.

Lovely life :)

I wish I had an expert or someone to truly tell me what I should be doing to lose weight. Eat more? Eat less and exercise more? It gets more and more confusing everyday. This is the shit we should be learning in school! Jeeze, and they wonder why Americans are so fat! Even if we want to lose weight, we don't know how to unless we want to pay out the ass for "weightwatchers" or "jenny craig" or an outrageous gym membership!

I wish I could just tape my mouth shut like the girl in the picture.


Another thought...

Why is it that every time I decide to get serious about this diet again, some big event involving great/free food comes up? can't I just celebrate without having to stuff my face or fight off the hunger/temptation/self-loathing that comes with these parties/events/get-togethers/feasts?!

I'm done. I'm getting more angry and upset, and i've promised you all that I would stay positive. I really am so proud of you ladies, and I hope things are going well and that you're being stronger than I am!