confessions

i have been such a coward. when was the last time i posted on here? and i know exactly why too, im ashamed. im ashamed and embarassed an flat out mortified. i thought college would make it easier to lose weight. despit my best efforts, however, i have somehow still managed to gain EIGHT FUCKING POUNDS! im so confused. ive even been trying to convince myself to purge lately, but with no success. i feel like a cow. i am a cow. i have all the inspiration in the world (boys, tattoo, spring break) but i still cant manage to lose. i need help. seriously. i just dont know what to do....

ok so ive been ignoring this blog, but ive been really busy. i dont know what to think about my weight anymore. i was doing so well for a while and exercising every day but then school got very hectic very quickly and i dont have much time to work out anymore. i HAVE however, been eating much less and much healthier, which is the goal anyway. i have juice for breakfast, a salad for lunch, then soup and a salad for dinner if anything. i want to cut back more though. it will never be enough. even when im fasting, i will still always want to do more though because i will never be good enough. its a sick, twisted state of mind, but at times, i love it. i cant tell much difference with my weight right now since i havent had a scale close (which is sort of really uncomfortable for me) but i dont think ive lost much. i just had the best thinspiration of my life though. theres this girl in my sorority who is one of my best friends this year and she is one of the skinniest girls i know. shes BEAUTIFUL, with a punk rock i-dont-give-a-fuck edge to her, and ive admired her body since i first saw her, shes so small and tiny and thin, but she doesnt look sick in any way, just skinny, and gorgeous. well i just looked through her facebook pictures for the first time, and i saw some older pictures of her and she was big! ok so she wasnt like 300 lbs or anything, but she was at least my size now. she looked so different, and now she is SO much smaller. i dont think she has ED, i just think she lost a lot of weight because she just drinks and smokes a lot and stays really busy. a bit of a burnout i guess, but then again, who here wouldnt want to be? but shes my new inspiration. if she can make that much of a change that quickly, then so cna i damnit! and i will too! starting right now, no snacks. only drinking on weekends, and fasting the day before to save calories. one meal a day, salad or vegetable soup. water only to drink. exercise whenever possible for at least an hour. keep a bottle of water with me constantly, only go out to eat when absolutely necessary, like tonight, when i have a scholarship dinner. i will be skinny. i will be a size two. i will be that girl that everyone else admires, and inspires to look like. LETS START FUCKING NOW!

best day of my life

ok well yesterday was our first home football game at college and it was CRAZY. i got compeltely shitfaced and stayed that way for about 5 hours and oh. my. god. so theres this guy at school, ill call him "M" who is the sexiest guy ive ever seen in my life and im completely obsessed with him. well let me just tell you, when theres a guy i want, i will get him. haha that sounds completely cconceited and everything but i dont care, it almost always works out for me. so i see him at the football game, and he and are i flirting like crazy, but after the first quarter he leaves. so i decide at halftime im gonna go back to my dorm, hoping hes there. well, he was. he was with a group and about to go drink more and i saw him in the stairwell right in front of my floor, so i said hey and he asked where i was going and i said to my room to "take a nap." well, long story short, lets just say i got what i wanted. im no slut, dont get me wrong, just a lottttt of making out and a few happy hands on his part and oh shit it was the greatest night of my life. so, i just thought id post something a little far from the usual for once so you all can know what has been going on in my real life aside from the eating obsession. i know it was just a random hookup but ill let you know if anything else occurs ;) oh and p.s. the best fucking thing about getting fucked up, is even thugh the drinks have tons of calories, when im hungover i cant eat anything the entire day. its a great easy fast. yes yes yes!!

new motivation

so this weekend i went to the lake for vactation, and i was hoping that getting away from college food would make it easier for me to restrict, and in some ways it was, in others, not so much. the day i left, i had only eaten about 300 calories, but worked out a lot right before i left and burned off 350 calories (go me!) but then when i got to the lake i was starving, so i had a total binge and ate arounf 810 calories. fuck me. so yhou would think that i would feel disgusting and not want to eat anymore that weekend right? oh yeah, right, im a total fatass, i forgot. its tradition that when my family goes to the lake, my grandmother fixes us a big country breakfast every morning (biscuits, eggs, gravy, bacon) and i just cant resist that. i just dont think anyone understands what this meal means to me. like, if i were on death row, this would probably be my last meal. so i had three days of that, and dinner every night. i cant believe i havent gained 20 pounds. i felt so disgusting that i left the lake a day early to come back to school and "give myself a full day to study before classes start again" yeah. more like "give myself a full day to fast, work out incessantly, and maybe open a book for like 15 minutes." my roommate isnt back yet, so its really easy for me to not eat and no one notices. its almost 1:00 here and not a single calorie has entered my body, and i intend to keep it that way. i read a blog where a girl said she lost 13 pounds in a week, and others said that they had lost 10 pounds or more in a week, so i have new motivation. i know i can do it, i just have to stay focused. so my plan for this week is
today: fast
tomorrow: granola bar for breakfast, and a small dinner
wednesday: fast
thursday: small dinner only
friday: small dinner and small lunch (this will be my binge day, because im also planning on getting completely fucked up on this day, so if im getting the calories, might as well have food in my stomach so that i wont puke all over myself)
saturday: fast
sunday: fast

i dont know if i can do it. ive done a liquid diet for two days straight before but it was incredibly hard for me, and i had been eating full meals the entire week before, so we'll see how it works out. any motivational words are greatly appreciated! stay strong ladies!

today has been such a hard day. actaully, make that a hard week. im getting so irate with myself because all of this college food is getting to me. the incesant study hours, late nights and early mornings leave me feeling hungry constantly and the sickening choices of unhealthy greasy, yet oh so appetizing food in the buffet style eating area make it so hard to resist. i was so proud of myself these last few months of summer, i was eating only about 600 calories a day and i looked and felt thinner and i was so happy, but im positive that ive probably gained everything back now and it makes me miserable. im probably eating 600 calories in half of a single meal here! i feel disgustingly unhealthy but its so hard to resist. i dont know whats wrong with me, and i cant even think about taking up purging in a college dorm with everyone living on top of each other. im just gonna have to start making even more study excuses for not eating. basically isolate myself in my dorm except when absolutely necessary or when i know food wont be involved with where im going. im thinking about trying to find an ana buddy somewhere. someone to keep me on track and keep my mind off food and being hungry. i need that desperately. now to find one....

so today ive had
naked juice (340 cals)
chicken noodle soup (150 cals)
total: 490 cals

im going to try to make it the rest of the day without eating anything, ill be so proud of myself if i can. not to mention my campus is full of hills, which i walked up and down three times today in 15 minutes with a heavvvvvvvvy backpack, so i probably burned some calories there. think i can make it the rest of the day? i hope so. this college food has been getting to me and im tired of feeling disgusting. i miss the feeling of my empty stomach. maybe ill go to the gym later too. todays the day im committing, getting back on my plan. its so much easier now that classes have started to eat less. so many excuses i can make for not eating like i already ate, ill eat later, too much studying, im going out, etc. its glorious. and now that i have a planned schedule, i can plan set times to work out every day. i feel and look skinnier already i think, and im on my period so im even bloated. i will be a size two. i will do anthing for it.

ok so college. yeah. i lvoe it, but its hard when you feel as self conscious as i do. on one hand its great because a lot of the older girls that are here have completely bipassed the freshmen 15 and headed straight for the freshmen 50 (like no joke, its disgusting) but im trying to join a sorority so every day im surrounded by these tiny little girls that are so pretty and skinny and i feel so inferior around them. and it sucks because my roommate is a fucking stick i swear to you and she only eats the healthiest things possible which makes me feel like shit, espescially since she also works out all the time. i went and worked out today for a half hour cause that was all the time that i had and i got on the scale and it said 142 pounds, but i had all my clothes and tennies on so hopefully i havent actually gained that much. ANYWAY, ive set a new goal that i like to call the freshmen 15 (original, i know) but, instead of gaining 15 pounds, i want to lose 15 by the end of this semester....or sooner if possible. its gonna be hard cause there is so much to eat around here and none of it that healthy, but im gonna do my best, so your support is greatly appreciated!! that worst part about all of this is that i cant blog much, it would be so ahrd to hide it from everyone, and even harder to find thinspiration pictures, so please bare with me, cause i may not update for a long while, especially my thinspo site. anyway, im getting ready to take part in a little thinspo of my own, going to another sorority party with all the skinny girls, wish me luck, wish me strength to stay away from food, and i wish it all back to you, KEEP LOSING GIRLS, YOURE AN INSPIRATION TO ME TOO!!

fighting the freshmen fifteen...

so ive been ignoring this blog lately becaue i just recently moved into college (YAYYYY) and so far its been going really great. everyone has been so nice and ive met a lot of really cool new people which makes me so unbelievably excited and the good thig is that most people here arent even that skinny. ive been trying to eat healthy since ive been here but its kinda hard when there is literally free food EVERYWHERE and its all pizza and cookies and chips etc. but yesterday for dinner i had grilled pork, sweet potatoes, a salad, steamed vegetables, and water to drink, which i feel like is a pretty helpful meal. of course, i did go out and drink some that night, so it really probably did me no good. right now our work out center is only open at times when i cant get there, and thats really frustrating, but i live on a campus with huuuge hills and steps everywhere so im trying to get my work out there until classes start and the work out center is open 24/7. im having a great time, and i hope everyone else is doing really great! wish me some luck!

happy birthday, heres some cake!

ok so my birthday is coming up and my family wanted to celebrate it a little early so we had a dinner last night. its horrible that i should feel so guilty about something as trivia as eating, especially my birthday dinner, but i do. it seems like every time i turn around lately, someone is having some occasion in which food is involved and theres no way for me to not eat. last night i had a salad, loaded with dressing and cheese, two helpings of pasta, garlic bread, cake, and ice cream. i was planning on not feeling so guilty about eating this, because i was supposed to donate blood earlier that day (which usually causes me to lose some weight) but i was denied because my iron was too low. this is the second time in a row that this has happened. i feel like such a failure. i know it seems ironic, with me treating my body this way that i would care about other people's health, but truely, theres nothing in this world that makes me feel better about myself than knowing that i may have saved a life. after my iron was too low the last time, i vowed to get it up by the next time i could donate, so in the days leading up to the donation, i ate a lot, not expecting to be turned away again like i was. so, since i cant bring myself to start eating more, i went to the store and bought a daily multivitamin. hopefully that will help, but im afraid this will cause me to gain weight. i feel like everything i want is a catch-22. i cant escape it. why does this world have to revolve around food so much? im supposed to meet my friend today for lunch, but i dont know how to get out of eating without her noticing, i mean, the plans were specifically made for lunch. all this is depressing me so badly, and i just want to feel good about myself again. i had lost 2 pounds recently, but after yesterdays binge, ive seemed to gain it all back. sometimes i wish i could purge, but i just cant bring myself to do it, i dont want to have to worry about hiding my guilt for eating AND the fact that im throwing up everything that does go into my body. i dont want to do that. im so impatient, i just wish i could get some quick results. hopefully college will help, but most likely not, with all the free food and the incessant drinking....

just a little venting for the day.....

please excuse my french...

today was a very bad day. i was home alone for the day today, and so i had complete control over what i was eating. i didnt eat anything until two when i decided to have a single slice of pizza and two mozzerella sticks which, if my guestimation is anywhere near accurate, is around 400 calories. not necessarily wonderful, but i figured, since my mom-who makes dinner every night- would be going to take our dag to the vet right after she got home from work, that i would be on my own for dinner, so i wouldnt feel pressured to eat anything. WRONG. life never works out that way. she called my dad and had him bring home qdoba (OHSHIT) for the two of us. just a little bit of insight into myself, if there is one food in this world i literally CANNOT resist, its a chicken queso burrito from qdoba. words cannot describe the orgasm that took place in my mouth when i bit into that burrito. HOWEVER, being the complete fatty that i am, i ate the ENTIRE thing. as if that werent enough, at 8 oclock tonight i decided that since my diet had already been shot to hell for the day anyway, i would have three scoops of chocolate ice cream, bringing my calorie total for the day up to....hmmm....lets see here.....COMPLETE FATASS! i was just begining to notice a difference in my body today too. the scale had been telling me i'd lost two pounds, but now im positive ive gained it all back. why cant one day ever just work out for me? so, with that said, please-all those feeling my pain of a complete failure of the day- lets all say it together, in unison now' "FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!"

sibling rivalry

so today has started out to be a pretty good day. i went to church and got to work in the nursery with the babies, which made my day. i love children. i was planning to fast all day today but the little donuts they offer at church got to me, and i had two. they were small, but most likely terrible for me, and now i feel really bad for eating them. although i know setting out a breakfast platter of mini donuts and mini muffins is great, no one understands how much it affects me, and how much i am tempted by them. at least im at church and can pray to god to help me in my life. anyway i came home, and its almost 12:30 now, and those two little donuts were all ive had for the day, so im doing pretty well. im going to try not to eat anything for the rest of the day, but even though i dont eat much during the day, ive never really been able to fast completely. i hate that. ive done it before (not for purposes of losing weight) and i know how much weight i can lose just fasting for one day, but somehow im not strong enough to do it yet. ive created a blog with thinspiration pictures on it to help motivate myself and others, and i have to say, looking for pictures of skinny girls is a great way to keep your mind off eating. i dont want to eat anything at all today until at least 2:00 if im not strong enough to fast, so this blog is helping me stay distracted-its taking a lot more work than i thought to make it look good!

other than that, my sister is moving back to college, which is sad for me because i love her so much, but i know that i will be gone in about a week so it was coming either way. shes so beautiful and skinny, i wish i looked more like her. people say we look alike, but im so jealous of the fact that she barely weighs 115 lbs. her bmi is almost underweight while mine is almost overweight, and the worst part is she doesnt even try! shes not concerned about the way she looks at all, she eats what she wants, when she wants, doesnt exercise, and she still stays so small. its really not fair. i love my sister more than anything, and shes my best friend, but i cant help a little sibling rivalry every once in a while right?

first post

so today is my first post. im new to blogging, especially of this sorts, but lately ive been seeing how much other peoples blogs have helped me. i dont know if im looking for support, reassurance, inspiration (whether for myself or others) or if i just need a place to vent about anything and everything that goes on in my life, but im hoping that this will help.

ive been trying to lose weight lately. i went to the doctor not too long ago and was forced to recognize how much weight ive gained in the past couple years. my freshman year of high school, i was tiny, i exercised all the time and kept myself so busy, i weighed just barely over 100 lbs, i was confident, admired, and most importantly, i was happy. happier than any other time i can remember. but then the stress of working so hard in school and trying to keep myself going with my swimming just all added up and i decided to cut back on the exercise, too bad i didnt cut back on the eating. now i just graduated high school, and i weigh almost 140 lbs, which is by no means big or anything, but i dont look anything like what i used to, even a year ago, and i havent been happy with it for a long time.

ive always had almost obsessive thoughts about the way i looked and how skinny i was, but it was never a problem when i actually looked good, but now that i dont feel that way anymore, its become a problem. ive decided to go on a diet, if you could possibly call it that. first, i decided to just start eating less, but being the impatient person i am, i wanted quick results. im finished with all my sports, i have never belonged to a gym, and i have no good place near me to run, so i decided just to start with my eating habits. i started counting calories, just as a way to keep track, but now its become a necessity that i cant get away from. my obsessive weight thoughts have driven me to seek out even the most bizarre weight loss tips and tricks, online calorie calculators, anorexia blogs, and-most importantly-thinspiration websites. i really fear that what started out as a diet has now skyrocketed to a disorder. im living on one meal and one snack a day-maximum-and i feel painstakingly guilty if i consume more than 500-600 calories a day, which i know is unreasonable. anytime i eat, i immediately start thinking about how much exercise it would take to work off the calories, and how i should punish myself by fasting the next day. i never wanted to be like this in any sense, but this is reality.

im hiding this from everyone, but its really hard to deal with something like this with absolutely no support, so i think that was the main reason behind this blog. thinspiration blogs have helped me so much, and so maybe this will help others too. i want any visitors to this page to say what the feel, good or bad. the good could just inspire me to keep going with this, and the bad-worst case scenario- might open my eyes and somehow inspire me to get away from this awful reality and lose weight a healthier way. i appreciate every thought.

so with that said, and an incredibly long and revealing first post, here are my goals. im heading off to college in a week for the first time, and im hoping that this will help in my goal to lose weight. i wont feel as pressured to eat all the time as i do with my family, i will have 24 hour access to a gym, and no one will really be paying very much attention to how much i eat or what i eat, i can make lots of excuses and no one will know. my first goal weight is 120 pounds as soon as possible, a big goal, but i will eventually make it there. my ultimate goal is to be a size two, i dont know what ill need to weigh to do so, but ill get there. wish me luck!

date: August 16, 2009
height: 5' 4"
starting weight: 135 lbs
starting size: 6
goal weight: 120 lbs
goal size: 2