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Friday, August 21, 2009

happy birthday, heres some cake!

ok so my birthday is coming up and my family wanted to celebrate it a little early so we had a dinner last night. its horrible that i should feel so guilty about something as trivia as eating, especially my birthday dinner, but i do. it seems like every time i turn around lately, someone is having some occasion in which food is involved and theres no way for me to not eat. last night i had a salad, loaded with dressing and cheese, two helpings of pasta, garlic bread, cake, and ice cream. i was planning on not feeling so guilty about eating this, because i was supposed to donate blood earlier that day (which usually causes me to lose some weight) but i was denied because my iron was too low. this is the second time in a row that this has happened. i feel like such a failure. i know it seems ironic, with me treating my body this way that i would care about other people's health, but truely, theres nothing in this world that makes me feel better about myself than knowing that i may have saved a life. after my iron was too low the last time, i vowed to get it up by the next time i could donate, so in the days leading up to the donation, i ate a lot, not expecting to be turned away again like i was. so, since i cant bring myself to start eating more, i went to the store and bought a daily multivitamin. hopefully that will help, but im afraid this will cause me to gain weight. i feel like everything i want is a catch-22. i cant escape it. why does this world have to revolve around food so much? im supposed to meet my friend today for lunch, but i dont know how to get out of eating without her noticing, i mean, the plans were specifically made for lunch. all this is depressing me so badly, and i just want to feel good about myself again. i had lost 2 pounds recently, but after yesterdays binge, ive seemed to gain it all back. sometimes i wish i could purge, but i just cant bring myself to do it, i dont want to have to worry about hiding my guilt for eating AND the fact that im throwing up everything that does go into my body. i dont want to do that. im so impatient, i just wish i could get some quick results. hopefully college will help, but most likely not, with all the free food and the incessant drinking....

just a little venting for the day.....

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