new motivation

so this weekend i went to the lake for vactation, and i was hoping that getting away from college food would make it easier for me to restrict, and in some ways it was, in others, not so much. the day i left, i had only eaten about 300 calories, but worked out a lot right before i left and burned off 350 calories (go me!) but then when i got to the lake i was starving, so i had a total binge and ate arounf 810 calories. fuck me. so yhou would think that i would feel disgusting and not want to eat anymore that weekend right? oh yeah, right, im a total fatass, i forgot. its tradition that when my family goes to the lake, my grandmother fixes us a big country breakfast every morning (biscuits, eggs, gravy, bacon) and i just cant resist that. i just dont think anyone understands what this meal means to me. like, if i were on death row, this would probably be my last meal. so i had three days of that, and dinner every night. i cant believe i havent gained 20 pounds. i felt so disgusting that i left the lake a day early to come back to school and "give myself a full day to study before classes start again" yeah. more like "give myself a full day to fast, work out incessantly, and maybe open a book for like 15 minutes." my roommate isnt back yet, so its really easy for me to not eat and no one notices. its almost 1:00 here and not a single calorie has entered my body, and i intend to keep it that way. i read a blog where a girl said she lost 13 pounds in a week, and others said that they had lost 10 pounds or more in a week, so i have new motivation. i know i can do it, i just have to stay focused. so my plan for this week is
today: fast
tomorrow: granola bar for breakfast, and a small dinner
wednesday: fast
thursday: small dinner only
friday: small dinner and small lunch (this will be my binge day, because im also planning on getting completely fucked up on this day, so if im getting the calories, might as well have food in my stomach so that i wont puke all over myself)
saturday: fast
sunday: fast

i dont know if i can do it. ive done a liquid diet for two days straight before but it was incredibly hard for me, and i had been eating full meals the entire week before, so we'll see how it works out. any motivational words are greatly appreciated! stay strong ladies!

so today ive had
naked juice (340 cals)
chicken noodle soup (150 cals)
total: 490 cals

im going to try to make it the rest of the day without eating anything, ill be so proud of myself if i can. not to mention my campus is full of hills, which i walked up and down three times today in 15 minutes with a heavvvvvvvvy backpack, so i probably burned some calories there. think i can make it the rest of the day? i hope so. this college food has been getting to me and im tired of feeling disgusting. i miss the feeling of my empty stomach. maybe ill go to the gym later too. todays the day im committing, getting back on my plan. its so much easier now that classes have started to eat less. so many excuses i can make for not eating like i already ate, ill eat later, too much studying, im going out, etc. its glorious. and now that i have a planned schedule, i can plan set times to work out every day. i feel and look skinnier already i think, and im on my period so im even bloated. i will be a size two. i will do anthing for it.

fighting the freshmen fifteen...

so ive been ignoring this blog lately becaue i just recently moved into college (YAYYYY) and so far its been going really great. everyone has been so nice and ive met a lot of really cool new people which makes me so unbelievably excited and the good thig is that most people here arent even that skinny. ive been trying to eat healthy since ive been here but its kinda hard when there is literally free food EVERYWHERE and its all pizza and cookies and chips etc. but yesterday for dinner i had grilled pork, sweet potatoes, a salad, steamed vegetables, and water to drink, which i feel like is a pretty helpful meal. of course, i did go out and drink some that night, so it really probably did me no good. right now our work out center is only open at times when i cant get there, and thats really frustrating, but i live on a campus with huuuge hills and steps everywhere so im trying to get my work out there until classes start and the work out center is open 24/7. im having a great time, and i hope everyone else is doing really great! wish me some luck!

happy birthday, heres some cake!

ok so my birthday is coming up and my family wanted to celebrate it a little early so we had a dinner last night. its horrible that i should feel so guilty about something as trivia as eating, especially my birthday dinner, but i do. it seems like every time i turn around lately, someone is having some occasion in which food is involved and theres no way for me to not eat. last night i had a salad, loaded with dressing and cheese, two helpings of pasta, garlic bread, cake, and ice cream. i was planning on not feeling so guilty about eating this, because i was supposed to donate blood earlier that day (which usually causes me to lose some weight) but i was denied because my iron was too low. this is the second time in a row that this has happened. i feel like such a failure. i know it seems ironic, with me treating my body this way that i would care about other people's health, but truely, theres nothing in this world that makes me feel better about myself than knowing that i may have saved a life. after my iron was too low the last time, i vowed to get it up by the next time i could donate, so in the days leading up to the donation, i ate a lot, not expecting to be turned away again like i was. so, since i cant bring myself to start eating more, i went to the store and bought a daily multivitamin. hopefully that will help, but im afraid this will cause me to gain weight. i feel like everything i want is a catch-22. i cant escape it. why does this world have to revolve around food so much? im supposed to meet my friend today for lunch, but i dont know how to get out of eating without her noticing, i mean, the plans were specifically made for lunch. all this is depressing me so badly, and i just want to feel good about myself again. i had lost 2 pounds recently, but after yesterdays binge, ive seemed to gain it all back. sometimes i wish i could purge, but i just cant bring myself to do it, i dont want to have to worry about hiding my guilt for eating AND the fact that im throwing up everything that does go into my body. i dont want to do that. im so impatient, i just wish i could get some quick results. hopefully college will help, but most likely not, with all the free food and the incessant drinking....

just a little venting for the day.....

first post

so today is my first post. im new to blogging, especially of this sorts, but lately ive been seeing how much other peoples blogs have helped me. i dont know if im looking for support, reassurance, inspiration (whether for myself or others) or if i just need a place to vent about anything and everything that goes on in my life, but im hoping that this will help.

ive been trying to lose weight lately. i went to the doctor not too long ago and was forced to recognize how much weight ive gained in the past couple years. my freshman year of high school, i was tiny, i exercised all the time and kept myself so busy, i weighed just barely over 100 lbs, i was confident, admired, and most importantly, i was happy. happier than any other time i can remember. but then the stress of working so hard in school and trying to keep myself going with my swimming just all added up and i decided to cut back on the exercise, too bad i didnt cut back on the eating. now i just graduated high school, and i weigh almost 140 lbs, which is by no means big or anything, but i dont look anything like what i used to, even a year ago, and i havent been happy with it for a long time.

ive always had almost obsessive thoughts about the way i looked and how skinny i was, but it was never a problem when i actually looked good, but now that i dont feel that way anymore, its become a problem. ive decided to go on a diet, if you could possibly call it that. first, i decided to just start eating less, but being the impatient person i am, i wanted quick results. im finished with all my sports, i have never belonged to a gym, and i have no good place near me to run, so i decided just to start with my eating habits. i started counting calories, just as a way to keep track, but now its become a necessity that i cant get away from. my obsessive weight thoughts have driven me to seek out even the most bizarre weight loss tips and tricks, online calorie calculators, anorexia blogs, and-most importantly-thinspiration websites. i really fear that what started out as a diet has now skyrocketed to a disorder. im living on one meal and one snack a day-maximum-and i feel painstakingly guilty if i consume more than 500-600 calories a day, which i know is unreasonable. anytime i eat, i immediately start thinking about how much exercise it would take to work off the calories, and how i should punish myself by fasting the next day. i never wanted to be like this in any sense, but this is reality.

im hiding this from everyone, but its really hard to deal with something like this with absolutely no support, so i think that was the main reason behind this blog. thinspiration blogs have helped me so much, and so maybe this will help others too. i want any visitors to this page to say what the feel, good or bad. the good could just inspire me to keep going with this, and the bad-worst case scenario- might open my eyes and somehow inspire me to get away from this awful reality and lose weight a healthier way. i appreciate every thought.

so with that said, and an incredibly long and revealing first post, here are my goals. im heading off to college in a week for the first time, and im hoping that this will help in my goal to lose weight. i wont feel as pressured to eat all the time as i do with my family, i will have 24 hour access to a gym, and no one will really be paying very much attention to how much i eat or what i eat, i can make lots of excuses and no one will know. my first goal weight is 120 pounds as soon as possible, a big goal, but i will eventually make it there. my ultimate goal is to be a size two, i dont know what ill need to weigh to do so, but ill get there. wish me luck!

date: August 16, 2009
height: 5' 4"
starting weight: 135 lbs
starting size: 6
goal weight: 120 lbs
goal size: 2