first post

so today is my first post. im new to blogging, especially of this sorts, but lately ive been seeing how much other peoples blogs have helped me. i dont know if im looking for support, reassurance, inspiration (whether for myself or others) or if i just need a place to vent about anything and everything that goes on in my life, but im hoping that this will help.

ive been trying to lose weight lately. i went to the doctor not too long ago and was forced to recognize how much weight ive gained in the past couple years. my freshman year of high school, i was tiny, i exercised all the time and kept myself so busy, i weighed just barely over 100 lbs, i was confident, admired, and most importantly, i was happy. happier than any other time i can remember. but then the stress of working so hard in school and trying to keep myself going with my swimming just all added up and i decided to cut back on the exercise, too bad i didnt cut back on the eating. now i just graduated high school, and i weigh almost 140 lbs, which is by no means big or anything, but i dont look anything like what i used to, even a year ago, and i havent been happy with it for a long time.

ive always had almost obsessive thoughts about the way i looked and how skinny i was, but it was never a problem when i actually looked good, but now that i dont feel that way anymore, its become a problem. ive decided to go on a diet, if you could possibly call it that. first, i decided to just start eating less, but being the impatient person i am, i wanted quick results. im finished with all my sports, i have never belonged to a gym, and i have no good place near me to run, so i decided just to start with my eating habits. i started counting calories, just as a way to keep track, but now its become a necessity that i cant get away from. my obsessive weight thoughts have driven me to seek out even the most bizarre weight loss tips and tricks, online calorie calculators, anorexia blogs, and-most importantly-thinspiration websites. i really fear that what started out as a diet has now skyrocketed to a disorder. im living on one meal and one snack a day-maximum-and i feel painstakingly guilty if i consume more than 500-600 calories a day, which i know is unreasonable. anytime i eat, i immediately start thinking about how much exercise it would take to work off the calories, and how i should punish myself by fasting the next day. i never wanted to be like this in any sense, but this is reality.

im hiding this from everyone, but its really hard to deal with something like this with absolutely no support, so i think that was the main reason behind this blog. thinspiration blogs have helped me so much, and so maybe this will help others too. i want any visitors to this page to say what the feel, good or bad. the good could just inspire me to keep going with this, and the bad-worst case scenario- might open my eyes and somehow inspire me to get away from this awful reality and lose weight a healthier way. i appreciate every thought.

so with that said, and an incredibly long and revealing first post, here are my goals. im heading off to college in a week for the first time, and im hoping that this will help in my goal to lose weight. i wont feel as pressured to eat all the time as i do with my family, i will have 24 hour access to a gym, and no one will really be paying very much attention to how much i eat or what i eat, i can make lots of excuses and no one will know. my first goal weight is 120 pounds as soon as possible, a big goal, but i will eventually make it there. my ultimate goal is to be a size two, i dont know what ill need to weigh to do so, but ill get there. wish me luck!

date: August 16, 2009
height: 5' 4"
starting weight: 135 lbs
starting size: 6
goal weight: 120 lbs
goal size: 2