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Tuesday, September 7, 2010

out of control.

i'm freaking out. I think i'm having a borderline panic attack. My heart is racing, my stomach is all twisted up in knots, and i know it's unreasonable, but i can't stop. I need help.

It all started with talking to CJ today about applying for nursing school. We were just talking about the application, and our chances of getting accepted, and it made me start wondering about how good my chances are. So i go look up the nursing school application. Basically, i have to take a test before i'm accepted, and my score is weighed into my application. It tests me on anatomy/physiology, math, reading, grammar, all the basics. I started to get all stressed out cause i'm bad at math, and i'm afraid that i won't remember enough anatomy/physiology. AND i got a B in one of my science classes, which isn't good cause they weigh you science GPA separately from your overall GPA. I start freaking out because I feel like i'm not gonna get accepted, which is highly likely because my school's nursing program is one of the hardest/most competitive in the state. 150-175 people apply each semester and only 40 or so are accepted. But i do have a 3.79 GPA, and I am an honors student, and I am taking a full course load.

So I try to calm myself down over that. But then I start to look for the possibility of deferring nursing school for a year when I go to France. This has been my plan all along, to just tell them after i'm (hopefully) accepted and then deffer it for a year and start when I return from France. Then I find this statement on the nursing application..

Nursing requires mandatory class and clinical attendance. You will be assigned a failing grade if you miss 20% of the scheduled classes or clinical in a semester FOR ANY REASON. While we try to keep all classes and clinical on M-F between the hours of 6 am and 6 pm, you may be required to attend class anytime between the hours of 5 am to 11pm on any day of the week.
Do you have ANY personal or other situations that would prevent you from being available to attend classes and clinical as assigned during the next two years? ____yes______no

That's when I really start to freak out. What will I check in that box come January when I actually have to fill it out?!

Then I start to think about France.

I'm moving to a foreign country. All alone. With what has thus far turned out to be a minimal knowledge of the language. As soon as I get there, I basically have to be a mom for two small children. I'm responsible for them. I have to plan activities for them and get them to and from school. And oh yeah, I have to teach them english. Did i mention that they are 3 and 5 years old and speak no english whatsoever at this point? And did I already mention that I barely speak french?!

I have no teaching experience. How am I going to teach these two kids an entirely new language when I still haven't mastered one myself?! What can I do for lesson plans? What if they don't understand me AT ALL?! What if the parents think i'm a horrible au pair and send me back? Will I be stuck at home in the US with no job, no school, no hopes of getting into nursing school?

Then I beat myself up for not losing weight, and for eating more than I wanted to today and not getting to work out.

Plus several other things that I just don't have the strength to write about for fear that I will stop breathing. I think I have generalized anxiety disorder. ...and there goes one more thing to worry about.

At this point i'm basically hyperventilating. Like i said, i know it's an overreaction, but i just can't stop. So much stress. So little time to plan. Help me guys! Seriously...especially if you have any ideas on how to teach two kids english...

thank you all so much for all the support. I'm sorry to freak out on you all/worry you. this isn't something that usually gets this out of control.


  1. take a deep breath, you don't have to decide on all of this today right? i know it's hard to deal with this all at once, it's impossible. take time to think about what you're going to do and strategize. everything will work itself out, i'm a big believer in the idea that things all happen for a reason. whatever the outcome is, it's going to be fine. we're all here for you. <3

  2. Hey girly, I have GAD lol... of course, adding to our twinliness haha
    But anxiety is reallllly common, and just becuase it happens once in a whole doesn't actually mean its a disorder.
    Just take things one step at a time, and then you'll slowly get more organized and be able to focus on less important things, such as losing weight... even though it may seem like one of th emost important ones right now... lol

    When I get super stressed, I just try and hold my breath for as long as possible and then slowly let it out, do yoga, or a hot bath (or shower, since I'm assuming they have no bath that you wouldn't want to use in the dorm??) haha

    Don't freak out too much girly. All you can really do right now is go talk to an adviser in the nursing college and assess all of your options. I'm assuming if you talk to her about your situation, she (or he) will be able to work something out :)
    And teaching the kids... no worries on that one. The are soooo young, that they will barely speak french either... well, it's new, so they are impressionable lol. Just use LOT'S of pictures. I would buy some into to English books for kids here. That way you can actually read it too.

    OH! And now that I moved back to school we are officially, 7 hours and 56 minutes apart. Vs. the 7 hours and 59 minutes I was back home lol..
    HUGE difference right? haha....

    BUT for reallll, I still want to meet you toooooo!
    And if I get this bridge card (food stamps for people in MI) then I will have savings account, and possibly will be able to visit you in franceeee! Or KY or wherever... lol

    Love ya!

    Good luck with every thingggg


  3. I don't really have any advice since I've not been a teacher or anything. But it seems like you have some time to figure this all out, it's not happening right away. Maybe you could brainstorm ideas/make lists of what you need to do or figure out & tackle it one item at a time so it's not so overwhelming. I love lists & find them really useful because I have a bad memory & I like to see what I need to get done/have accomplished. Good luck!