i wish i had something new to write about, but i just don't. nothing exciting is happening in my life at all.

i was feeling super skinny after thanksgiving (somehow)....but then, out of NOWHERE, i started my period. fab. well, that explains why i was feeling so skinny. now i'm feeling all bloated. and eating about 15 pounds of food a day.

i think i'm going back on birth control. i'm sick of not knowing when my period will be. And we all know i'm not having sex, and i'm not planning on it, but whenever i'm messing around with a guy, especially one that I really care for, like L, it just makes me feel better to be on the pill....just in case, you know? If i can't deal with having a little bit of fat on me now, it wouldn't go over well to gain a billion pounds cause i have a BABY in my stomach.

i'm afraid i'm going to gain weight again though.i'm going to talk to my OBGYN to ask her to put me on a pill that will hopefully help with that. i gained weight when i was on the pill, i can't have that again.

well, these are my last two weeks of class, then i have a week of exams. stress will be inevitable. i don't know if ill be posting a lot between then.

oh, and i'm going on a cruise over Christmas break. i want to be at least 137 before then. that's only 5 lbs down. i have about a month. totally possible. i'm getting back into my habit of not eating breakfast, and i'm slowly trying to weed out lunch too. i wanna get back down to like 800 calories a day. and starting tomorrow i'm hopefully going to start adding the gym back to my schedule. we'll see if i have time between the studying though. however, i really miss going to the gym and burning about 500 calories and seeing a net intake of around 300 or so for the day. i know that's still a lot compared to some of you ladies, but for me, that was incredible. i've never been able to fast. i'm not that strong. yet.

ok, well i have nothing else to post. have a lovely day :)

i havent posted again for a few days. been too lazy to get my computer out. i'm gonna keep this post almost entirely about weight/food though today...shocking, right?!

i do have to mention L though, because that's where this post begins. I was in his room for a long time Monday night, and it was amazing like always. he was so sweet. but the important part is, we somehow ended up talking about tape worms. don't ask me how in the world we got on that subject, but he was telling me about how doctors prescribe pills with tapeworm larvae in them to help people lose weight. I started arguing with him about how stupid that was, and how it was basically the same as supporting anorexia because you're essentially encouraging someone to starve themselves. I was getting mad because he was pretty much saying that he didn't see a problem with it (i know, hypocritical, but no one besides you all have ANY clue that I'm basically pro-ana; plus, i think he was just wanting to argue with me cause he thought it was cute) and this is a little excerpt from our conversation

Me: "so, what if i came to you tomorrow and said that i was taking tape worm pills?"
L: "i would say, why in the world are you doing that?"
Me: "because i want to lose weight, obviously."
L: "I would look at you and say 'you're absolutely crazy. you don't need to lose a single pound.'"

i can't express to you how good that made me feel. L will openly admit that he has some type of disorder. He HAS to exercise at least 2 hours a day or else he freaks out. He HAS to be in shape. He eats a lot, but it's all pretty healthy. I have always been a little self-conscious around him because of that, because i'm so obviously out of shape, and he's told me before that he really likes girls who are muscular and in shape. so hearing him say that just made me ecstatic.

Then, when i went over to my grandparent's house yesterday for thanksgiving, my grandma looked at me and said "frenzy! have you lost weight?!" and i said "yeah, a little i guess?" and she said "oh my gosh, it looks like you've lost a ton, you re gonna be too skinny soon!" Thanks grandma :)

so then, feeling so good about myself for once, i decided to go home and face the ultimate test. I have this dress at my house which i wore two summer's ago, and i was incredibly upset this summer to find that i had gotten way too big to fit into it anymore. it wasn't even CLOSE to fitting. So as I've been losing weight, I've continuously tried on this dress as sort of a reference point, but I've never been able to fit into it again. Yesterday i put it on, and YOU GUESSED IT! IT ZIPPED ALL THE WAY UP!!!!!! yesssss. granted, it was still pretty tight and would look a lot better if i lost some more weight, but that basically means that I'm back to the size i was two summers ago, right after my senior year of high school!

i am way too excited, and i do actually think i look a ton better when i look in the mirror. i don't think it's fair, how well my life is going lately. everything is wonderful. everything is beautiful, and i just want to share some of that with you ladies, cause i know what hard times some of you all are going through. I've been there. I've been to that point where i prayed to God to just end my life because i didn't think there could be anything worth living for. I'm so glad that didn't happen. Life turned around, and I've never been happier. So please, find something to be happy about, or just keep faith that it WILL eventually get better. I love you ladies, and i wont you to be happy. Stay strong, and stay beautiful :)

Today was super stressful. I had a French presentation and a statistics test which I wasn't ready for at all. I stayed up basically all night studying, and I got about 2 hours of sleep. My stats test was obviously the hardest of the two, and that was later in the day. So of course, I stayed stressed about it all day. My super anxiety kicked in a I felt horribly sick. Didnt even have the desire to touch any food. Once it was over though, of course my appetite came back. I went and had chic fil a with CJ, so I guess my total forthe day is about 800 or so? Not terrible, but considering that was only 1 meal for the day, it wasn't to great either. Well, I'm procrastinating, I have a French exam tomorrow that I need to prepare for...hope you all had a great day!

i'm just incredibly happy today. not sure that i should be either, but i just am...like i'm on some kind of drug or something.

last week....not the best. like i said, i had SO much work to make up, i still haven't gotten completely back on track, but the majority of it had to be done last week. it was hell. Between that and L having 3 big tests, i didn't get to see him all week except for hanging out with him at a basketball game for 30 minutes before we both had to leave and study.

Then my roommate invited some mutual friends of ours down to school to stay with us for the harry potter premier. don't get me wrong, i like these girls and i'm friends with them, but Ashley (my roommate) is much closer to them. These girls are just like Ashley, really cool and sweet, but pretty boring...as in they never want to go out. I spent Thursday night with them, then Friday night I kinda ditched them (i feel a little bad about it but whatever) and went to dinner with L and some other guys we're friends with. Then i spent the night in his room, and Ashley and the other girls left to go back home early yesterday morning.

Since then, i've spent just about every second I can with L. We spent all day yesterday tailgating and going to the football game together, then i was supposed to go over to his room early last night and spend a bunch of time with him but I happened to get a call from CJ...

Frat boy (the guy she is dating) really upset her and she left and needed someone to talk to, so she came over to my room and cried until about 10:45. She's my best friend though, and i would do anything for her, so i didn't mind. Meanwhile, L went out with some friends then invited me to come over to his room at about midnight. Went over there, and we just sat in his room and drank a bunch of beer together. I know that sounds really lame, but seriously it was probably the best night i've ever spent with him. It was just so relaxing, and we had some really good conversation...deeper than we usually go.

We got on the subject of relationships though, and he was telling me that in his family, no one gets marred until like mid 30's at the earliest, and he said he felt the same way. We also both mentioned that we thought relationships and getting serious weren't good ideas at our age...which i kinda think is true, but i think i came off the wrong way and may have made it seem like i'm just fine with continuously hooking up with him and never dating...which isn't exactly what i was going for. I really WOULD like to date him, i just don't want a really intense/serious relationship. I still need some freedom. Unfortunately, i think he doesn't want a relationship at all, and now i don't know how to bring it back up again.

Then the beer kicked in for both of us. The kissing resumed...and KDSJBFOSIUEBGOWIBEGS did i miss it. I don't think i'll ever get tired of kissing him. Ever. Every single time i do, it's seriously like my first kiss all over again...exciting, wonderful, never wanting it to end...it went farther than kissing last night too (which isn't unusual for us) but it was a lot more intense this time. I don't need to go into very specific details about what went down, but dsofniefdkjfbs it was GOOOOOOOOD.

I just walked back from his room a little while ago. Just discovered that i have about 8 small hickeys on my neck. they're not huge, and i think i'll be able to cover them up with makeup and wearing my hair down, but i hope theyre gone by the time i go home for thanksgiving lol....oh well, they're completely worth it.

I have SO much work to do today. it's all due tomorrow. I only have 2 days of classes this week (for thanksgiving break) but i have a french presentation, a stats test that i'm going to fail, and a french test. i'm super stressed, but somehow i'm not letting it get to me. i think my high from last night just hasn't worn off yet.

My eating has been flipping back and forth between god awful and not so bad. i'll have days where i eat like there's no tomorrow, and days where i wont eat hardly anything. i'm probably confusing the shit out of my body. I don't feel HUGE today, but i don't feel skinny either. i still have a ton to lose. i'm getting there though.

ok, long post. i promise i'm going to try to post more often so that i don't have to write the NOVELS anymore. i hope you all are doing lovely, and looking lovely.

100!!!!

today is my 100th post. WOOHOOOO!!!! i know i said i wanted to do something all exciting for my 100th, but i decided against it. way too lazy.

so, i've made it back from the BRINK OF DEATH. that's why i havent been posting, i know you all missed me ;)

so i had that sore throat right? and the doctor said it may have been strep even though all my strep tests came back negative? well after i went to that doctor, i had a horrible weekend at home and didn't feel well enough to drive back to school on sunday. skipped my first class monday, made it back to school, but felt too bad to make it to my other class for the day. Tuesday, i got up feeling like absolute shit, but somehow made it to all 4 of my classes. Wednesday, i wake up, go to french class, and toward the end of class, i start feeling sick. my antibiotics were kicking in and making my stomach hurt. i kept trying to breathe evenly and to get my mind off of it, but it just got worse and worse and worse....i rushed out of the room right before classes were over, and barely made it into the hallway before i threw up in front of everyone.

OK, so not THREW UP. i was somehow able to hold it in, but i was gagging and heaving all in the middle of the hallway...and of course i was in the one confusing building with only one bathroom and an apparent lack of garbage cans. anyway, this happened twice before i finally made it to the bathroom and just collapsed onto the floor and started bawling. i had had enough. my throat hurt like hell, i couldn't talk, i couldn't swallow, it was so swollen it was affecting my breathing, my ear hurt, my jaw hurt, and on top of this my medicine was only making me sicker. so i decided to go back to the immediate care here in town.

they should rename that to the "not-so-immediate-care"

i waited in the waiting room for 2 hours until the doctor could finally see me. then she came in, looked in my throat (as best she could considering i could barely even open my mouth) and got this real concerned look on her face before saying "this doesnt look like strep..." and hurrying out of the room. i could hear her talking about me and my symptoms to the other doctors and arguing with someone on the phone...

she comes back and tells me that i have what's called a peritonsillar abscess, and that i needed to drive 2 hours back home (to the bigger city) for emergency surgery. greatttt.

get home, spend basically all night in the ER getting an IV, pain meds, steroids, antibiotics, then they send me home and tell me to come back in the morning so that they could drain it.

go back the next morning and the doctor does drain it. i won't go into detail about how they drained it....i don't know how well you all deal with gruesome things. it was just not pleasant, lets put it that way.

well, the next morning i wake up, and the damn abscess is back. in full force....worse than ever. i have to go get it drained AGAIN. it was horrible.

luckily i have finally recovered, and i'm back at school. i've missed a shit ton of classes and work, but luckily my professors have been pretty understanding about it. i just have so much work to do now so please bare with me and my lack of posting.

finally got to see L again last night. his throat hurts. go figure. sad day, i really missed kissing him. hopefully he's not sick so that can resume as soon as possible =]

anyway, i couldn't eat at all while i was sick, i could barely even swallow liquids. the doctors have been weighing me at 142! WITH CLOTHES ON! I lost about 2 pounds in 3 days according to my doctors visits...hey, i'll take it! i've been eating a lot though now that i'm better. i have to eat a ton of yogurt to keep up with my 43 antibiotics i'm taking lol

ok, sorry for the novel of a post. just thought i would update you guys on my life. miss you ladies, and i'm still reading all of your posts. stay strong!

ughhh. i feel like death rolled up in torture. i just want to curl up in bed and sleep for the next week.

i'm sick if you cant tell. and i don't even really know with what. I spent the night with L again on Friday night, and he left his window open cause he likes his room to be cold when he sleeps. no big deal, i just cuddled up next to him, but i woke up in the middle of the night with a killer sore throat. I just dealt with it the rest of the night, thinking it would go away when i got up and got back to my warm room and drank some water. went back to my room, drank a ton of water, took all kinds of medicine, didn't help. NO big deal though, it wasn't too bad.

I went home later that day and surprised my parents. They were having this big annual fall party at our house and they wanted me home, but i told them i wanted to stay at school and watch our football game. Went home just in time for the party though, mom was thrilled. Anyway, my throat kept hurting, but i figured it was just because i was standing in the smoke from all the bonfires. took some medicine, went to sleep...well actually, mainly just lay in my bed suffering. i didn't sleep hardly at all. i was up basically all night in pain. When morning finally came around, i went to the kitchen to get some water, and as i was walking back to the living room, i got all dizzy and passed out. not really lost consciousness, but everything went black and the room was spinning. i laid on my floor for a while just too tired to get back up. my mom eventually came in and i managed to tell her that i needed to go to the doctor (as if she couldnt tell)

my sister drove me to immediate care, but i got probably the stupidest doctor i've ever met. He was african of some sort, didnt speak a lot of english, which wouldnt bother me if he was a good doctor, but he got everything i said completely backwards, and said some pretty idiotic things that I even know arent true. they ran a rapid strep test, which came back negative, so then they drew my blood for mono. passed out again. fun times. negative for mono too. So they swab my throat again to send it out for a culture, and the doctor comes back and says "well, we do know you have SOME type of bacterial infection, we just don't know what yet. I'm going to prescribe you and antibiotic for now, so i'll have to run a pregnancy test to make sure" ....pregnancy tests have absolutely nothing to do with anything. theres no reason for that. results come back, i'm not pregnant. surprise. i could have told you that, dipshit. then he says "you can still go to class if you feel well enough, because it's bacteria, it's not contagious."

false. just because it's bacteria, doesn't mean it's not contagious. Seriously, did this guy REALLY go to med school?!

anyway, i've been suffering since then, i have no voice, been dealing with fever, upset stomach cause of the antibiotics, still sore throat...it's been lovely. and i have one of the busiest weeks ever this week. i can't afford to be sick.

anyway, while i was at the doctor, they weighed me, and with clothes and shoes on i weighed about 144. then i went home and got on that crappy scale that i dont trust and it said 131. WHAT?!?! stepped off, stepped back on, it said 135. this scale always weighs me about 4 lbs less then what i actually am, meaning that i would actually be around 139. closer, but that still is super low. i'll take it though, i hope to goodness that's true.

i havent been able to eat hardly anything since saturday night. this morning i was able to get some yogurt down, but that's the biggest thing i've had, and now my stomach isn't feeling too great.

L keeps forgetting i can't talk and keeps calling me. Then when i don't answer he texts me and apologizes and says something like "i'm so sorry, i forget that you have no voice. how are you feeling now? i want you to feel better..." sweet things like that. of course, i'm sure he's also a little concerned because we've so obviously swapped my contagious spit. but he doesn;t feel bad at all, which i'm glad about, and thank the lord it wasn't mono. i would have felt so bad....

miserable. just want my voice back. i'll even take the pain, but tell me how i'm supposed to go to my french class and give an oral presentation when i can't even speak. this isnt fun. i just want to sleep. stupid college, how i wish you were like high school again and i could miss a full week of class without any major problems....

this is my 99th post. woohoo!!! so i'm thinking for my 100th post i wanna do something fun, like 100 things about me, 100 things i believe, 100 reasons why i want to lose weight....i dont know, i cant really ddecide what to do. am i being corny? tell me what you all think/give me some suggestions for the 100 things you would like to see me post. love you ladies, i've loved every post because of you all!

i know i havent been posting lately. i just really have nothing to add. I haven't had the time to work out (i've had a SUPER busy last few weeks) and for the most part, my eating has been good. definitely under 1,000 cals a day, until maybe 2 days ago...my period started today, so of course i could eat until this time next week and never get full haha

i'm bloated. i feel huge. ughhhhhh. stupid period.

L and I are good. we're not "official" yet, but we might as well be. i go over to his room every night. last night was particularly good. i was giving him a hard time because he wouldn't tell me his middle name and i said "don't you want to make me happy?" and he replied with "more than anything in the world. just tell me how." :)

then he kept telling me how cute i was when i was frustrated and he told me that he had asked CJ several times if i talk about him. he wouldn't let me leave his room even though it was 1 am. he kept holding me down and telling me he was gonna keep me there. he's so freaking adorable.

wait...what? what is this strange feeling inside of me? i think i may have felt it once or twice before. happiness??

haha i mean i've been happy and out of my depression ever since i left my last boyfriend nick, and i didn't think that my life COULD get happier...but it is? i just smile ALL the time now. insanity. i love it. i love you. i love life =]