blah.

Ah shit. I've returned.
I was stupid to think I could ever just walk away from this blog and therefore my issues. Clearly this is bigger than that.

Well, I've been gone quite a while, haven't I? I suppose you all are just aching for an update on my life.
Maybe not, but you're going to get one anyway.


Well....hmmmm, where to start? The boy? The weight? The school? Eh....this IS a weight blog after all, I might as well start there.

You know how I was sick with those stupid throat problems last semester and I had to have my tonsils removed and everything? Well....I don't wish that upon me again, it was fucking miserable, but I do wish I could starve the way I was starving then. I couldn't eat AT ALL during that time....I would drink one juicebox and it would last me 3 hours. Needless to say, I dropped weight like it was my job, without even trying. The best part was, I didn't even WANT to eat. I had no hunger. I starved and starved and starved and it was never an inconvenience in the slightest. I believe my blog says I dropped down to 135 or so? I can't really remember. Regardless, I was determined that I was going to keep that weight off. How hard could it be?

Apparently really freaking hard. Ever since then, it's like my body has been trying to make up for the months of food it didn't consume. If I told you how much I've been eating, you all would puke. It's that disgusting. Anyway, my weight is up to 145 again. FML. However, I have started to work out again. I'm determined to lose at least 6-8 pounds before school is out (in 3 weeks) and thats totally possible. I've been eating a little healthier, and in a few hours, this will make day 3 that I've gone to the gym and done cardio for at least an hour.


What else?

Boy. Of course, always the boy.

L and I are still together. Thank goodness, because I don't know what I would do without him in my life. We spend absolutely every free moment together, and it's just bliss. We haven;t said the big "L word" yet, and I'm really scared to do so...but I think I might actually..."______" him. I don't want to even type it right now. I know I typed it in my last post, but that was more of a joke...more of a "wow, i'm so lucky" kind of thing.

He's hurt though. Bad. He has a pinched nerve in his back that he's been dealing with basically for the past 3 months, and he's in excrutiating pain. He can hardly walk. I feel so bad for him. He's absolutely miserable, too, because he can't work out. He's been swimming every day, and 3 days a week with me, but now it's to the point where he can't even really do that. He's going back to the doctor today though. I'm crossing my fingers that he gets some decent news.

I want to work out for him. I want to look good for him. Every single day he looks at me and says "gosh, you're so pretty." Or he tells me i'm beautiful and he calls me sexy and he tells me that he loves my body. Well that's all good and dandy, but I know he isn't 100% telling the truth. This is not what he prefers. His past girlfriends had 6 packs and spent their lives exercising just as much as he does. He hates when I talk about not liking to exercise, or saying that I "can't" do something. That's about the only thing I can possibly say to make him mad, telling him that I "can't" run two miles, or that I "can't" lose weight on my own.

I bought a super sexy (and pretty super tiny) Victoria's Secret bikini for this summer. I know I'll be at the lake a lot with L and his friends, and I don't want to look disgusting and fat like I do now. That's my motivation. I put it on from time to time, and just stand in front of the mirror, envisioning what it will look like when I'm a lot skinnier.


Moving on....

School/life=Big changes.

I'm not going to Paris anymore. :(
Yeah, actually I'm not that upset about it. I mean it would have been an awesome opportunity, but it was uber scary. Plus, it would have cost me about $40,000 after I lost scholarships and paid for school and blah blah blah.
I did get into nursing school though. WOOHOOO!! In case I haven't told you, that's a super difficult and prestigious program to get into at my school. I'm pretty excited to start that in the fall.


Well, I know I have mroe to say, but it's taken me a while to write this and I really have to go work out before I pack my things and go home for Easter this weekend. Help me stay strong ladies. I know you all have stayed beautiful :) xo

Yeah, I lied.

I know I said that I wasn't going to post on this blog anymore for a while, but something happened this weekend that I only worthy of sharing with you all. I went on a long car ride with L this weekend. Almost 3 hours alone. Just talking. Talkig about anything and everything, an our biggest fears. I've told you before that L has some kind of disorder as well with his eating. He has to work out at least 2 hours a day, obsesses about what his body looks like, etc. After getting to know him better and becoming so much closer to him, I've decided that he would be classified as having orthorexia. He obsessively thinks about just being healthy. Well, I told him. That's right, I told him about my eating issues. I told him how little I ate this summer, how much I thought about it all the time, how much I hated myself. He completely understood and completely didn't understand at the same time. He understands the passion, the NEED for it, but he doesn't understand not eating to lose weight. He exercises to be healthy, not lose weight. Anyway, the point is, he didn't judge me for it. He didn't think I was crazy. He wasn't mad. I wasn't embarassed. He knows everything (well...actually, he still doesn't know about this blog) but he knows my biggest faults and insecurities, and somehow, he still cares for me. We sat in silence for a little while afterwords, and then he just looked over at me, smile spread across his face, sun shining in his hair, and said "you're absolutely beautiful."



I think I'm in love.

break.

i think i'm going to take a break from blogging. I know, that's not that big of news considering how little i post on here anymore, but i just don't think its what i need in my life right now. You ladies are amazing. each and every one of you is a beautiful person and i'm so thankful for you all, but that's just it...i think youre too good for this. I think we're all too go for this life. I know, its a disorder, a lot of us can't escape from it, and yes, a lot of us DO need to lose weight...but i dont want to encourage anything unsafe or unhealthy anymore. and that's what i'm doing just by being on this blog. i'm saying "great job!" every time you fast and lose another pound. I'm saying, "dont worry about that binge, just go work out a ton and burn off those calories!" i'm saying "you look amazing!" to all of these underweight girls.

i dont want to be that person. i'm sorry girls, but i guess maybe i've just gotten on this religious kick lately. I want to start living my life for God as best i can. I just want to be a good person. Besides my weight, i'm absolutely happy with EVERY aspect of my life. I have a beautiful family who loves me, i live in a beautiful country, i love my school and everything that i study, I have the best friends and a wonderful boyfriend who tells me every day how beautiful and perfect I am. I don't need anything (weight included) bringing me down.

of course, i'll be honest, this isn't goodbye forever. I'll probably be back to update you all every now and then. I'm just not sure when that next time will be.

Thank you to everyone who has been following me and all the kind comments you've left. Like i said, i do appreciate you all so very much, and i just wish you nothing but happiness and success in your lives. I dont care how much you weigh/what your habits are, i find you all beautiful on the inside, and i'm sure youre just as beautiful on the outside.

Take care of yourselves ladies. I love you. We'll catch up soon.

completely useless post.

I have absolutely nothing to say. Nothing has been going on in my life worth blogging about. Been on some dates with L, ate a lot of food, that's all that been going on.

But i feel like i'm failing you all for not blogging. You're following for a reason, i must keep up with the demand, no?

i'm going swimming tonight. I'm hoping to at least put in 1,000 yards, which would only take me like 20-30 minutes, but idk. I'm teaching L a new stroke tonight, so most of my time will be spent coaching him instead of getting my own workout in.

Also, question to all you ladies out there. Have you all ever started/switched birth controls and experienced uncontrollable cravings for food and an insatiable appetite? Maybe i'm making excuses and i've just lost all self control, but i swear that since i've started the pill again, i've had those cravings like when you're on your period. I just CANT STOP EATING. And i crave chocolate and carbs like crazy.

Anyway, just curious. Have a beautiful day ladies!

life.....is beautiful

well hello there :)

just stopping by to drop a line or two about what's going on with me. A lot has changed since we last spoke.

well thats a lie actually. Just one major thing has changed: L and I are official. Yup. he asked me to be his girlfriend on saturday and it was one fo the best nights of my life. We went out to a party later that night though and i got wasted, as always. he stayed with me that night though, and somehow even managed to ENJOY my ridiculous drunken antics. ever since then, he cant stop telling me how perfect/beautiful/wonderful i am and how happy/excited/lucky i make him feel. I love it. He almost does it TOO much though. Constantly smiling around me now...it's nice, but i dont feel like i'm quite up to that level of affection yet?

Anyway, this new stauts in my life has actually had some effect on my eating.
1) L lives on campus like I do, so he wants to eat lunch and dinner with me basically every day. this is new to me, because i was usually just on the 1 meal a day thing. Now it's definitely two.
2) Him telling me i'm beautiful so much and never saying anything bad about me gives me absolutely no motivation to work towards losing weight. I still want to, but then i say to myself "ehh, why waste all the energy? He still thinks you look good."
3) probably the only good thing about this, L wants me to teach him how to swim better, so 3 nights a week i go to the pool and do some laps while i give him a workout. I still dont work very hard though.


I refuse to weigh myself right now, as much as i want to. I feel lost in this weight loss process, i'm so conflicted with myself all of the time. BUT, i'm happy. So happy, so that covers it up...for now at least.

succcckkkkkkkkkkk

that basically sums up everything about my eating lately. gahh, i just can't stop! i have all this candy in my room that i bought when L and I went to the movies the other night, and i cant stop eating these damn jolly ranchers! and that damn chocolate cake, and oh yeah, those enormous meals i'm having everyday.

My family went out to celebrate a birthday today. Went to a restaurant, ate TWO huge buttery rolls before dinner even came...then some pulled pork, a baked potato loaded with fat, some broccoli (oh yippie) and another roll. fml.

I dont think i've gained any, thank the lord, but that will all catch up with me soon. I'm sure of it, it has to.

I'm actually excited to go back to school. I do so much better distracting myself and not eating there. I mean yeah, all the alcohol takes its toll, but i really havent been out that much...plus i have a gym at school, for those rare occasions when i actually feel the urge to work out.

i've set a goal: i want to weigh 128 by valentines day. I weigh about 136 now. SOOO, that mean i have just under a month to lose 8 pounds. COMPLETELY possible. it would actually be easy for a lot of you girls. If i actually do this, i will be so ecstatic. I havent weighed in the 120's since.....well, since about 3 years ago at least. i think i'll look pretty decent then, even though i'll probably want to keep going.

I can do this. help me stay strong ladies.

My eating is absolutely OFC. out of FUCKING control. I keep trying to find reasons for it, and there are so many....

1)i've been cooking so much, there's always an excess of wonderful food around to tempt me

2) I've changed birth controls, and i swear it's messed with my hormones. I get cravings like when i'm on my period

3) I got so used to eating so little, and then not eating at all during my surgery, that my body is trying to make up for it



i seriously feel like i think of a new reason every day why i'm eating so much, but heres what it comes down to: i'm making excuses. I just want to eat. that's all there is to it. I don't care anymore.

wait, scratch that. I do care. A lot.

It's just that I only care once the food is already in me. My mom made this wonderful chocolate cake thats been in our kitchen for the past few days. The other day i ate THREE WHOLE PIECES!!! wtf?! who does that?! i know how many calories it contains. I know how fat it makes me, but when it's sitting there, staring me in the face with its gooey chocolate chip eyes, i just say "ehhh, fuck it." and i eat it. Then as soon as i'm finished, i sit there and think "ooohhhh shitttt......" and i freak out. I'm getting fat again. I'm gonna gain all the weight back. I look terrible, etc.


So here's what all of this boils down to: i'm done.

The only reason i'm eating all of this is because i think it's going to make me feel good. I think that I can just put this food into my mouth then forget about it once it's gone. I think that the taste will be worth the end result.

The problem is, that doesn't happen. I still freak out, i still feel worse AFTER eating it then i would have if i had just left it alone. It's not worth it. I'm done. I'm not eating anymore. I'm not fasting completely, but i'm going back to my one meal a day, around 600 calories maximum thing.

I will lose this weight. I will be skinny. I will love what i see in the mirror. I will be hot. It will happen.