whiskey bent and hell bound

thats what i was this weekend. madness ensued.
i don't even want to think of the amount of calories i consumed this weekend. i feel disgusted when i do. I went home with CJ this weekend, and we we got there, her mom had made us a lasagna, a pot of chili, cooked beef for fajitas, chicken dip, and a cake all to eat this weekend. Not to mention the excessive amounts of alcohol that entered my body. We would drink literally all day, get up the next morning, eat some lasagna or something for breakfast, drink the rest of the day.

i was absolutely out of control, but it was a ton of fun. Even with Lindsey there. She's still not my favorite person int he world, she can be rude and way wild, but it actually wasn't as bad as i thought it would be with her there.

UPDATE
L FINALLY texted me on saturday, just to see what i was doing and to say hello. later that night, we were both obviously very intoxicated, and we stayed up until 5 am having one of the most grand drunken conversations i've ever experienced lol two of his friends got on the phone and was like "he has been talking about you a lot tonight. i think you all should date, he's an awesome guy and you seem really cool" then we drunkenly established that we really liked each other and wanted to see where this would go.

Yesterday, he texted me and wanted me to come to his room and hang out, so of course i did. more of him just holding me, and he tried to kiss me and GODDDDDDD did i want to, but i thought i was coming down with strep throat so i told him to wait so that i didnt get him sick.

turns out i'm not sick though, so all is good there. i went to the doctor today and they weighed me, and with shoes and clothes and my binge weekend i still managed to weigh 146.3. so 2 lbs lost! woooo!!!

life is good today guys. go out and find something beautiful, just like yourselves. love you ladies, with all of my heart i truly do.

well, life is back as it was. Cj and I are just fine, like nothing ever happened, there is still no boy in my life, and i'm still fat.

I really have nothing to post today. absolutely nothing.

havent worked out in FOREVER. things have just come up and i haven't had the chance.

yesterday, CJ was telling me about an article that she read in the newspaper about anorexia. She was talking about how crazy it was and said something like "i mean, could you ever imagine having anorexia? i can't even comprehend that or how crazy it would be."

i just kind of laughed and said "yeah" and moved onto the next subject.

my roomie is leaving tomorrow. i'm super excited. don't get me wrong, my roommate and i get along great and i love her, but i just LOVE having the room to myself for a while. its just nice.

i was thinking about texting L and seeing if he wanted to do something, but i haven't gotten up the nerve. I dont like this. I've been so independent for so long and so anti-boyfriend, and now all i can think about is this boy and our one awesome night together. We didn't even do anything that crazy, but that kiss was just......

anyway, what do you all think? i just feel like if he was interested in me at all, he would have talked to me by now right? jeeze i sound like a 13 year old girl. i need to stop. no more boy talk until something actually HAPPENS, ok? i dont want to bore you all with that shit. this is supposed to be an EDNOS blog. i barely post about food or exercise or losing weight or anything anymore.

probably because i'm ashamed cause i'm eating too much, exercsizing too little, and not losing at all.


ok, i really have nothing else to write about. love you ladies. have a wonderful day.

i hate titles.

ok guys, so i'll just update you about my events yesterday.

After i posted about the whole L/CJ/awkward lunch incident, i got control of myself. CJ texted me wanting to do lunch again today, and she sounded completely normal, so i just went ahead and said something like "hey is everything alright between us? I feel like the last few days you've either been annoyed or mad at me and if i did something i would just like to know because youre my best friend and i don't want there to be any problems. maybe i'm making this up but i jsut had to check."
she replied with soemthing along the lines of "no no no! you're definitely making this up. Everything is great between us, sorry if it seemed like i was mad on saturday, but L was just way too drunk and lindsey was really annoyed with him so she wanted to leave, and we couldn't bring him with us, and i figured you would want to stay with him."

that both makes sense to me and also annoys me at the same time. L was pretty drunk. And for a while, he was saying some stupid things...but really it was more funny than anything. If it wasn't for this bitch lindsey, everything would have been fine. Still doesn't really explain lunch yesterday, but i really could have just misunderstood that all with CJ. She's EXTREMELY social (if you can't tell) so sometimes she just gets caught up in saying hi and talking to everyone else instead of me.

The fact that L didn't talk to me is another matter entirely. Kinda wish things were different, but i'm not gonna get too upset about it. We'll see what all happens.

So, long story short, i'm going to lunch with CJ today and going home with her this weekend. Complete with lindsey also. joy. Could be pretty epic or just compeltely aful. we'll see....

ok, i have to go to class now. LOVE YOU LADIES! hello and thank you to all my new followers! i haven;t gotten a chance to comment on your alls blogs lately, but i'm absolutely loving/appreciating all of you and your lovely comments. you girls are seriously the greatest. And i'm reading every single thing you write. Hope you all have wonderful days!

Oh, and ps, i haven't eaten yet today and i'm just going to subway for lunch, so today should be good food-wise. i feel much skinnier today, even if it's all in my head. love those kind of days :)

sorry about this guys.

i know i promised no more depressing posts, but i just need some advice from you all. i'm really upset, i've been crying for a little while and i dont know what to do.

today is bad. it's the whole CJ thing. well, and a little bit of L too, i guess, but not so much.

ok, so L never texted me yesterday. yeah, ok, so i really liked him and had a good time the other night and was hoping that he would text me, but honestly, i'll be just fine if nothing happens between us either. it doesn't bother me if it turns out to just be a random hook-up. anyway, i texted CJ today and asked her if we were still going to lunch today, and she was like "yeah, if you want to. i think L is gonna be there too."
i thought that was a little strange because it wouldn't matter to me if he was there or not. i was like "ok, well thats fine. it it alright if ashley comes too?" (ashley is my roommate, by the way.) and she responded with "yeah, it may just be kind of hard to find seats though because we usually just get a table for the 3 of us." (the three being CJ, L, and another girl who is good friends with CJ and whom i've never really though particularly cared for me.)

i just kinda got the feeling that she didnt really want us there, but i just decided to go anyway. When we got there, she basically didnt say anything to me, and L didn't either. it was really awkward. Ashley and i got our lunch and ate everything before she and L even got through line and got a chance to sit down, and ashley had to go to work, so i just left with her. ashley agreed, things were really awkward, and i didnt want to wait through the torture of sitting there while L and CJ just ate and ignored me.

i'm just really upset. As you all know, things were kinda strange between CJ and I before this whole L situation, but for some reason now i think that made everything worse, and i jsut don't know why. like i said, i dont care about the whole L situation. I wasn't looking for a boyfriend, and i would never put any boy before CJ. she's my best friend. she's the reason i love school so much. i dont know if i'm just reading everything the wrong way, but i just think that ever since i told her yesterday that i liked L, things got bad. And theres no reason for that, because she doesn't like L. shes basically dating that frat guy, and she's told me before that she and L are just best friends, and would never date. And trust me, CJ would never lie about something like that, plus she told me before she had ANY clue that i liked him.

i'm probably overreacting, and i know i should just talk to her about this, but i can't right now (becuase she's currently still at lunch with L) but it just made me want to cry and i jsut wanted to see what you all thought, i mean, i can tell you girls anything and i knwo that you all arent afraid to tell me exactly like it is.

BEST. DAY. EVER.

ok, well first of all...thank you all for the lovely comments on the last post/the advice. they were actually really funny to me, cause i love how i can get on here and tell you guys i just got wasted, high, purged food, starved myself, killed a man...haha you name it, i can get on here and tell you all, and everyone is like "haha thats funny, no big deal, heres some advice, love you!" kind of stuff. i love you ladies for that, so thanks :)

ok, now were getting into some girl talk. a gushy high-schoolish gossip kind of matter. can i just tell you, yesterday was probably one of the funnest days i've had in SO long. be forewarned that this is a really long story, but i'm just really excited.

so we had a home football game, and it was parent's weekend at school. CJ and i went to tailgate with our friends and their parents, and it was really fun. we we're all drinking and having an awesome time, and i was really enjoying myself. Didn't know that things were going to be getting even better.

L came over to hang out with us. L and i are pretty good friends, and we were just standing next to each other, not even talking at this point, when my friends mom looks at us and says "so...are you two an item?"

i dont know what made her say that, because we really werent giving off those kind of vibes at all, but L and i just started laughing and said no, but then L gives me a big hug and says "but we could be right? i mean we look pretty good together!" and everyone was just laughing and we made a big joke out of it and started calling each other boyfriend/girlfriend for the night.

Well, L proceeds to get really drunk. i'm a little tipsy, but MUCH better than he was. so as we're walking to the game, L holds my hand, then at the game, he just wrapped his arms around me and held my hands some more and we just talked the whole time. It was really nice...but i just kind of assumed he was really drunk so i didnt think anything about it. L is really popular here at school and actually has a lot of girls after him, so a ton of people kept high fiving him and saying things like "oh she's pretty!" and asking if we were dating, and we kept saying yes, to carry on the joke of the night.

Well later, our friends go out to eat with their parents and CJ ends up going to a bar so L and i were alone. We go back to my room to watch a movie and he just held me the whole time, then we went to a friends house for a while. After that, he invites me back to his room because he says that he wants to spend some more time with me. Keep in mind that L has a private room, and that it is about 1 in the morning at this point. I agree, and we go upstairs to just lay in his bed. He just wrapped his arms around me and held my hands the whole night and it was really sweet....and we ended up kissing.

This is what excites me the most. Let me tell you guys...i'm pretty much a pro at random one time hookups. I dont have sex or anything, i'm just like the make-out queen, i'm telling you. So my point is, i know that when you randomly make out with someone, its usually very hot and heavy and the guy is just trying to get as much as he can as fast as he can. This was so different. I wish i could describe this kissing for you ladies...he had to have taken notes from chick-flicks. it was the softest, kindest, most gentle kiss in the world. like, the whole, put his hand on my cheek, hold my face....it was good. it was hot. seriously the most loving kiss i've ever felt...which is strange since were not together....

anyway, were kissing and everything, and he stops and looks at me and says "hey, i dont know what you're expecting, but before this goes any farther, is it alright if we just leave sex out of this for now?"

i just about died right there. WHAT GUY SAYS THAT?! i know it's sad that i should think thats such a big deal, but guys dont do that. every guy wants sex. i've never had a guy be so respectful about it. So...long story short, i stayed in his room wrapped in his arms until 5 am. i told him i had to leave, and he didnt want me to..but he went and checked me out from the desk, gave me a hug and a kiss and told me he would text me today.

Well, he hasn't. i'm not too worried about it though. i definitely was not looking for a boyfriend, and yes i would be happy if the right guy came along, and esp. if he was that right guy, but if we dont end up dating...i wont be devastated.

I have been thinking about him all day though. Like i said, a lot different from any other random hookup i've ever had. I told CJ a little about it today though, and she said that she didn't think us together would be a good idea. she said "i'll be straight, he's never wanted anything serious." but then a few minutes later she texted me and said "well, maybe he's actually changing his ways though, he's kinda been talking about getting a girlfriend some lately."

so i dont know. but there were so many little sweet, gentlemanly things he did last night and i wish i could tell you about all of them, but that would make this post sooo much freaking longer than it already is.

sorry...i just haven't felt this excited/hopeful for a guy in a long time. he's probably the first guy that i actually LIKE in college and didn't just want to hook up with.

i'll keep you ladies updated with all the details.

im an idiot...

so, i went out with CJ last night. it was all pretty good, i mean before we left though, she was telling me about how she had gone out with lindsey that day and started drinking at 11 am. Also, she told me that she has had sex a few times with the guy at the frat that shes been talking to. It's not like it bothers me that people are having sex, whatever, but CJ was SO against that last year. she just lost her virginity this summer to a guy whom she really loved, and now shes telling me shes having sex with this other guy just because he wants to, and that it means nothing to her.

Whatever, the rest of the night was pretty good though, same as always, same CJ, same good times.

Well, except for the fact that i was a royal shitshow.

Whatever, i haven't been out in so long, i dont care that i went out and had a little too much fun last night. BUT i did get a little too wild.

I ended up smoking weed. I mean, i had always wanted to try it, but never had. So after like 5 beers, two shots of rum and random tastes of everyone elses drinks, i decided "ah...fuck it. why the hell not?"

I'll tell you why the hell not. BECAUSE I'M APPLYING TO NURSING SCHOOL SOON. I know they do a drug test, i just don't know exactly when. I'm hoping i can get it all out of my system before then...cause i've been told that weed can stay in your system for up to two months? Shit. So i'll just be consuming copious amounts of water until then. I'm screwed if they take a hair sample though.

Anyways, i was pretty far gone, and CJ ended up taking us to taco bell. The thought of taco bell sober would be enough to make me puke, but drunk.....

i ended up puking in the parking lot of the drive through then stumbling into the bushes to puke some more. It was only like 1 am too. I definitely went too fast....

well, at least i puked up all the calories i drank. too bad i gained them all back when i demolished one of those GIANT burritos.

Football game today. probably tailgating all day. I may want to sit out the drinking though because of last night.

sorry for partying... :)

vent session

this isn't going to be a particularly happy post. I really just need to get my feelings out, but none of this really applies to you guys in any way so feel free to just stop reading now if you want

i'm upset. i feel like i'm losing my best friend. I feel like i'm losing CJ. The last time i saw her, i went over to help her move into her new dorm, cause she quit her job at the other dorm. When i was over there, she starts saying things like how she's kinda glad that she's not going to be in an honors dorm anymore, because she didnt want to be one of those typical honors kids (which we both are) i dont know why that upset me...but i think its because last year she was sooooo proud of being in the honors college. she went to honors clubs and really promoted the college and everything. She and I always joked that we were the only two people to ever go to parties from our dorm, but still, she loved it.

then we went dinner with all of the girls that i live with now. i see them all the time, and last year, CJ and I were best friends with them, even though we kinda still considered ourselves kinda on the outside of the group because we partied. idk, CJ and i were just SUPER close, and we did things that the other girls wouldnt do, but we were all still best friends if that makes sense. So we were walking to dinner and she says "this just doesn't excite me."
"what doesn't?" i say "moving into your new dorm?"
"no, i mean these people...like going to dinner to see the girls. i'm just not excited about it. i don't really care to see them. i'd rather be having dinner with the guys." meaning the guys from the frat she always hangs out with now.

That hurt. these are my friends. these were HER friends too. she's changing.

also, shes been going out to that frat every night, and hanging out with this girl, lindsey, who is a nice girl and all, but is just kinda rough and is ALWAYS drunk when i see her. i've hung out with her probably 20 times and have never seen her sober. Then CJ is talking to one of the guys at the frat, so she stays the night at the house all the time...like not having sex with the guy...she just sleeps in his room after partying all night. I never see her anymore, cause i can't go out much with all the work i have this semester, but every time i do see her now, our conversations are always the same. she's always talking about what she and lindsey have been doing and who has fallen in love with her.

now, i need to explain something about CJ. she's my best friend. and i hope it stays that way, but there is one little thing about her that really annoys me...she kinda has an ego. i dont know if that's the right word though, because i don't really adequately know how to describe this quality of hers. She's the nicest girl in the world, and she doesn't intend to show off, and she's so friendly to everyone and truly is just comfortable around everyone, but thats the thing...everyone who meets CJ just loves her, because she will go out of her way to do anything for you, plus shes a ton of fun. Well, thats all great, but people also love to tell her how sweet she is and how glad they are that they're friends...and she just lives for that. And that's what she talks about A LOT. its always..."so i went out with [insert random name here] the other night and we were playing cornhole, and he just looked at me and was like 'CJ, youre the coolest girl ive ever met. seriously, i'm so glad youre around.' and i just think thats so sweet of him! i think i'm the only girl that will go out and have a good time and play cornhole and beer pong and not care what i look like and blah blah blah..." it just gets annoying, hearing all the time about who thinks shes so awesome now. she's just proud of being a good friend, but it crosses the line sometimes and she doesnt realize it.

so i texted her tonight and i was like "CJ...i havent seen you in almost 3 weeks. you live right across the street from me. wtf. i miss you. what are you doing tomorrow?"

and she says "partying. of course." right. of course, because thats what shes always doing now.

"oh ok, well i'm gonna party with you tomorrow for the first time in forever then right?! i havent been out with you for so long!"

and she responds "ummm YES! I go out like every other night now."


why does this annoy me? idk. just because i think shes becoming someone she isn't again. she was always a partier, we both were, but we knew when to tone it down too....and i feel like shes replacing me with lindsey and actually BECOMING lindsey and i dont like it. i'm losing my best friend in the world, and theres no one i can talk to about it here because they all know her and i cant just be like "CJ doesn't really like you all anymore and that upsets me."

i'm sorry, this was very long, and probably very confusing, and all very high-school-drama-ish. but i just got really upset about it tonight, and i needed to get my feelings out somewhere. am i overreacting?

congrats if you made it this far. i promise that there will be no more depressing posts anytime soon (since thats all i've had lately.)

tomorrow is a new day and it's going to be good and positive. i dont think my writing ever really conveys how incredibly HAPPY i actually am with my life.

k. bedtime. thank you lovies!