well....

wow. my apologies for last night. my bad. drunken blogging is not a suggestion that i would make. I didnt say anything too ridiculous or anything i think, but it just makes me look like an ass, so sorry about that. I feel that i need to elaborate a little bit now though.

ok so i know ive been gone for a long time. basically, i stopped blogging for a while when i decided to start eating again to get my iron up, and damn straight i did too. yay blood donation! haha anyway, right after that, my mom was online and got sucked into one of those "your computer has a virus, click here to get rid of it" scams that actually just PUTS a virus on your computer. Well the house computer was completely fucked, so my dad decided to take it into a friend he works with to see if he could fix it. Now, i normally never use the house computer because im always on my laptop, but i know this guy is really good and can find pretty much everything you've ever visited on a computer (i know from personal experience, he ratted me out about illegally downloading music last time he fixed our computer) so i got really paranoid that he would find that i've been blogging and say something to my parents. So anyways, i set my blog completely to private for a while until i knew for sure he wouldnt be doing anything else to the computer.

as for last night, like i said, i went out with my friend jon at 10 oclock and stayed until about 3. like i said, drank a little too much whiskey and was a little sloshed by the time he dropped me back off at home. jon is like my brother. we've known each other since we were like 10 years old but ever since we met he and my best friend nicole have been in love. they never actually date for very long but its always been obvious that they love each other, so i never saw him as any mroe than a friend. He was also a little pudgy for a long time and i was never attracted to him in any way. Well recently, jon has given up on nicole "for good" (he says) so hes been fooling around with other girls and just having a good time. Did i mention hes also gotten really attractive? like i said though, he's always been my brother, and i would never do that to my best friend (even if they arent together and she calims she has no feelings for him anymore) but you all know how i get when i drink, and the last few times we've hung out jon and i have flirted a little, so last night i was kinda worried that something would happen. thank goodness it didnt though, i dont think i could have forgiven myself for that one, even if he is pretty hot now.

As for my weight, well, i would prefer not to go there. a whole combination of things have set me up for failure lately. First, its too damn hot outside to exercise AT ALL. like even our house doesn't stay cool even with the air conditioning on and fans going. we're going through a record breaking heatwave this summer where i live, and there hasnt been a day under 90 degrees since like the end of june or something. Its crazy shit. So exercising is out. Two: getting myself to eat more to raise my iron was awesome, i felt good about it and no guilt since it was for a better purpose, but its gotten me into bad habits lately that have been hard to stop. Plus, my sister and i are moving back to school soon, my grandparents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversay, and my birthday is coming up, so theres been a ton of opportunities to eat out lately where its soo much harder to be good and count calories. Three: giving blood has almost killed me. again. I know its bad for me cause it makes me so tired for a while afterward, but i can't stop. But basically, i have 0 energy. Four: i'm PMSing. i think i need to go back on the pill (cringe) cause its getting out of control. For like the past week and a half i've been having INSANE cravings, im tired, and i'm bloated as hell. It sucks bad. I feel like i've puffed up like one of those puffer fish or something. seriously, i feel huge and its making me really depressed, which in turn makes me want to eat my pain away at times. jesus.

I need to get back on track though. I'm really REALLY counting france as my motivation. I dont want to be the "fat american" when i go over there and i want to be able to fit into the cute awesome clothes and i just wont if i dont lose weight. I'm trying to keep that in mind and use it mainly when i get to school to exercise more, cause ill have exactly one year and i want to lose at least 30 more pounds. completely possible, but not if i dont get my lazy ass up to work out and occasionally resist the food and alcohol. I don't know, i've just been feeling a little down lately cause i havent made any progress lately. Maybe its also the PMS from hell talking too though. thanks for still reading though and supporting me, i really do love you ladies and wish that we could be friends in real life. (cue an elaborate daydream of us all living together in one house talking about our awesome lives and looking at each other saying "hey, what are you doing? don't eat that fatass." and "i wanna fast a couple days this week. do you all wanna do it with me?" *sigh* how simple and fun that would be...and how much progress we would make together.) anyway, sorry again for the drunk post, i try not to type or text when im drunk, but hey, whiskey is some strong shit. haha love you all, i promise to post more soon!