break.

i'm taking a break from dieting/restricting/starving, whatever you will.
it's seriously going to kill me. I can't imagine waking up tomorrow and just eating whatever i want. whenever i want. But i need to, and it's for a good reason.

I'm donating blood on monday. At least i'm going to try to. I donate blood as often as i possibly can. I think that its one of the most selfless, rewarding and satisfying things you can do. I love to feel that i'm saving lives. But i think i've talked about this once or twice before...i have a little problem when i'm donating blood. It's called my mother. Now, my mother is a very sweet person, and she fully understands how important blood is since she works in a hospital, but somehow, when it comes to me donating, she won't have it. All my life i've been borderline iron-deficiency anemic. Wait, let me rephrase that: my FINGERS have been anemic. That's right. You heard me. Everyone has gone to the doctor to get their finger pricked, well every time they take blood from my finger, it shows that my iron is low. Everyone who has ever studied in any kind of anatomy class however knows that the blood in the finger is probably the worst quality blood in your entire body. My mom definitely knows that also, so she's always argued with the doctors, taken me to the hospital and gotten my blood drawn from my arm, and it's always come back completely normal and fine. Except maybe once. It may have been low once, but hey, it's common.

Well i also have really low blood pressure. I pretty much almost pass out every time i stand up With these two things combined, giving blood isn't the most fun experience for me. The first time i donated, i threw up and passed out. My mom was upset. The next few times i donated, I passed out (which i didn't tell her) but came home pretty tired and stayed that way for maybe a day. Big deal. then i got denied for low iron several times, and my mom was pissed and pretty much told me I could never donate again. As if i'm not an adult and can't make my own decisions. So every 8 weeks I go behind her back and donate anyway despite the fact that i still continue to pass out and throw up pretty much every single time, but that's it. I've figured out now to shake my hands before they test my iron and everything is fine (and yes, this works...i got denied for low iron last semester at school then came back the very next day and just shook my hands to get better circulation and the test showed my iron had jumped almost 2 points higher, so i could donate)

Last time i donated, i was at school, so i could hide it from my mom. I passed out again and threw up 3 times, but i'm alive today right? So i think i'm alright. My dad thought i was overreacting and said that i shouldn't have to hide things from her, but he kept it a secret for me. Well stupid me came home that weekend and forgot to hide the bruise on my arm and my mom got PISSED. told ya so, dad. Well anyway, i basically told her that i was an adult, could make my own responsible decisions, that my iron was fine and that she could get over it because i wasn't going to stop. I figure i may pass out, get sick, and be tired for maybe a day or two, but that's seriously nothing compared to the little 5 year old laying in the bed with leukemia or the father of a newborn baby who is bleeding out after a horrible car accident. I'll suffer a little nausea to save their lives. Whatever, my mom can bite me.


so that long rambling of my donating history has brought me to today. Last sunday, i saw that our church would be hosting a blood drive this monday so i made a little mental note to go and donate. Well today my whole family is sitting on the couch, the phone rings, and my mom answers it. After a few seconds she hangs up. My dad asked who it was, and she kinda hesitated for a second before she said "oh just someone trying to sell something." my dad said "who" and i could see her debate with herself internally for a minute before she said "the red cross." Dad says "what did they want?" and she shot my sister this weird look real fast then said "nothing."

Now, at this point i know exactly what's going on. The red cross has called to tell us (probably me specifically since i'm the only donor in my family) about the blood drive going on and asking us to donate. My mom was trying to hide it from me, not knowing that i was already fully aware of it. So i say something like "are you sure it wasn't about the blood drive at church on monday?" and she gives me this panic stricken look like "how did you know about that?" actually, that's exactly what she said to. I told her i saw it at church on sunday and that i was planning to go. She goes off, like always, lecturing me about how it's not good for my health and that I shouldn't go and how she'll be mad at me if I do and blah blah blah

I've heard it all before. I couldn't really care less. But here's the part that just pissed me off beyond seeing straight. She then proceeds to let it slip that she throws away all my mail from the red cross before i can see it and deletes any phone messages about upcoming blood drives before I can hear them because she doesn't want me to go.

WTF?! I'm an adult. A very responsible one at that. In less than 4 years from now, i'll be a nurse. I am perfectly capable of making my OWN decisions about MY OWN BODY and i don't deserve to have things hidden from me. Bottom line: it's shady, its disrespectful, it causes me to basically lose any trust i had with my mom, and it's down right selfish.

Fuck it. I'm going to donate on monday and she can kiss my ass. the funny thing is, all her rules about "forbidding" me to go or whatever just makes me want to do it more. And i will, every chance i get.

So on monday my iron has to be normal. It won't be normal if im not eating right. So i'm starting to eat three healthy meals a day and taking my multivitamin every night until monday just to make sure, because i can't come home on monday and tell her my iron was low again. I can't let her win. I'm coming home on monday with a bandage on my arm and a "screw you, you can't control me anymore" smile on my face.


That was long, sorry. But the point is, until monday i'm eating like a normal person. I'll let you know how that works out for me. Wish me luck...and go donate blood! haha