back to school, back to school, to prove to dad i'm not a fool...

i'm gonna quit making apologies for not posting. i'm sure the sheer volume of them on this blog just make everyone want to puke (considering the community though, maybe you wouldn't mind that....) i joke. Don't get offended, we're all in the same boat. lets grab a life jacket before we're all taken under, shall we?

so i moved back into school. what to say, what to say....
i've moved into a new dorm. It's nice. huge room, big bathroom, same roommate and all my awesome friends from last year. It's pretty amazing. Wait, scratch that, i lied. there is one HUGEEEE thing missing....
CJ!!!!!
my best friend in the whole wide world, she's here with me, but not HERE...with me. Get it? She's in our old dorm, being an RA. I never see her. If i want to visit her (between all the class times and homework, etc.) I have to call her, walk over, get checked in, etc. I wouldn't mind that, though, if I got to do it often. But she's constantly working, having floor meetings, checking people into the desk...I can't even text her if she's working the desk. It sucks ass. And even if I could spend all my time with her like i would love to (cause she's seriously my other half) my other friends in MY dorm would write me off cause i never spend time with them. I can't win.

I don't really want to spend time with them though, to be honest. I love them to death, and they're great people, but heres how it goes when i'm with them: hang out in someone's room, play about 15 different stupid card/board games like were 6 again, have a discussion about whatever boy they think is cute but are too shy to approach, get into a discussion about God and how much this one girl misses her ex boy and how she hates what he's become, go to bed before midnight. EVEN ON THE WEEKENDS! I beg them to go out with me "you don't even have to drink!" i say to them. "just go with me and meet some new people! We can leave whenever you want to!" but no, they don't want to. they'd rather spend their friday and saturday nights playing Go fish or some lame shit.

When i'm with CJ, we talk about what's going on in our lives, and seeing as we actually go out and do things, we've usually got some pretty good stories. We laugh about our latest drunk happenings, we hang out with one of the other RA's (I'll deem this guy L from now on) and we crack open a beer, turn up some music, and laugh our asses off until it's finally late enough to go out and get completely trashed. We're the legit life of the party. We're A;WAYS together when we go out, so everytime we show up somewhere, everyone looks and yells "CJ!! FRENZY!!!" they're glad to see us. We really are a good fucking time. Even when we're not drinking, it's still more fun. Like the other day, CJ and L were both on call so they had to stay in the dorm ALL day. No leaving whatsoever. So i stayed with them for 12 hours. We watched a shit ton of movies, just talked, took a nap, ran around the dorm...idk, it was just fun. I want that all the time. I want to move back to where CJ is, seriously.

Oh, and i'm pretty sure I really like L. I keep saying i'm not looking for a guy, but if the right guy came along i wouldn't be opposed to it or anything....well, I only met L on Friday, but I instantly thought he was really attractive, and he's really friendly, and we were just like immediately friends. We've texted back and forth a few times, and it's just EASY. I feel like i can just breathe around him. there's really no other way to describe it...like we've known each other our whole lives or soemthing. I'm really comfortable with him, and if anything did happen with him, I know I wouldn't have to worry about some serious/possessive relationship like my last one. it would just be fun. He's so easy going, and sweet, and carefree, which is really what I need, but then again he doesn't really have any major goals in life (which is a HUUUUUUGGGGE problem for me) and I don't know that he would EVER really settle down with me. It would be fun to be that free in a relationship for a while, but I don't want to go into a relationship KNOWING that it will never turn into anything more than just fun, you know? Is any of this making sense? Plus, I think he's gotten into some trouble before. Nothing too major, just being dumb like a ton of other college guys and drinking a little too much probably. He's not a bad guy though, i can tell. He really is good. I'm rambling again.

I haven't told anyone, not even CJ, that I like him. I don't want it to be a big thing, and I don't want to ruin anything by being overly flirtatious like I was like time I really liked a guy. I made myself look crazy, probably (didn't help that I was drunk EVERY time i saw the last guy though) and it was embarassing. Especially because everyone knew that I liked him A LOT. I wanna be able to hang out with L and have it look like we're just friends. Not rush into anything. Keep it light and not have him think i'm obsessed or anything, i'm not. I just want to spend some time with him.

I think he's interested in me, too, though. He's made a few remarks that were pretty flirtacious and insinuated that he was interested, but that may just be him...a flirtacious guy. And I asked him what his type was and he said he didn't really have one (which is pretty true..he named off celebrities he really liked and they all had NOTHING in common) but he said he did really like girls who were tall and in shape...like muscular. He said he was a fan of the whole 6 pack on girls thing. (Not like a body builder, but just insane body like victoria's secret I guess.) Too bad i'm short and growing even more huge every day.

I want to see him again. I want to be skinny and have guys (not just L) think I look good. I'm going on a cruise in December, too, and I can't be fat like I am now.


Quickly: my calorie intake is still bad. I've celebrated my birthday with my friends, and since it was my birthday, i've been partying/drinking a lot. I got absolutely trashed on Saturday night, but that's a story for another post...

I have been walking a ton lately though since classes have started. IN the insane heat and with a heavy ass backpack. I went to the gym the other day too and ran until I almost collapsed. It felt so good.

Long post. Congratulations if you made it to the end. love you!

fail.

i suck at posting on here. i can't even make excuses anymore. yeah, i've been busy, but apparently we all have. can i not take 10 minutes out of a day to post something? i used to NEED this blog, with every inch of my being to clear my head, to stay on track, and now, nothing. Maybe that's what it is, i haven't stayed on track and i'm ashamed. really, i truely am ashamed and embarassed, but im not going to torture you with how pissed at myself for becoming a fatass i am. but i would really like to know why i don't post anymore.

i've been hanging out at a friends house a lot lately. ok, that an understatement, like every night. it's weird because she was really my sister's friend, i was always kinda the younger sister who was always just around while we were all growing up. But idk, this girl and i have gotten way close lately, so i hang out with her all the time, and my sister doesn't, at all, and it just feels strange. but my sister has always been the really smart well behaved one who would rather stay at home and read while im the outgoing "rebel child" if you will in my family, so i can't help it if my sister refuses to hang out with her friends.

Anyway, i go out there and just....do nothing really. And i don't know what it is that i love about that place so much or what makes it so fun? we sit around and watch movies, or play board games, occasionally we may drink or take a visit to the bar down the road and drink a little too much, but most of the time its just sitting around with my friend and her fiance and whatever other random person has decided to show up that night. It's just comfortable. I enjoy it.

I move back to school on thursday. super pumped. yet super dreading all the homework again. whatevs, i can handle it. I just don't want to start. let me move in and not take any classes, please.

We decided to remodel my room also. We started just a week before i had to move out and we just finished painting today. so i don't even really get to enjoy it, but at least it looks good for my last day? haha

I don't know what else. I'm spacing out right now. I know i have some really awesome stories or thoughts, but can i think of them right now? hell no. of course not. I can never think of things when i WANT to talk about them. does that ever happen to you all? i'll probably wake up at like 4 in the morning and remember THEN. but not now. and i'll forget again by the time i make another post.

k, i'm going to bed. btdubs (yeah, i just typed that out) i dreamnt entirely in french last night. wtf. i guess thats a good sign though...at least subconciously i completely kick ass at french. it was interesting. I was really freaking good.

Ok, goodnight world.

well....

wow. my apologies for last night. my bad. drunken blogging is not a suggestion that i would make. I didnt say anything too ridiculous or anything i think, but it just makes me look like an ass, so sorry about that. I feel that i need to elaborate a little bit now though.

ok so i know ive been gone for a long time. basically, i stopped blogging for a while when i decided to start eating again to get my iron up, and damn straight i did too. yay blood donation! haha anyway, right after that, my mom was online and got sucked into one of those "your computer has a virus, click here to get rid of it" scams that actually just PUTS a virus on your computer. Well the house computer was completely fucked, so my dad decided to take it into a friend he works with to see if he could fix it. Now, i normally never use the house computer because im always on my laptop, but i know this guy is really good and can find pretty much everything you've ever visited on a computer (i know from personal experience, he ratted me out about illegally downloading music last time he fixed our computer) so i got really paranoid that he would find that i've been blogging and say something to my parents. So anyways, i set my blog completely to private for a while until i knew for sure he wouldnt be doing anything else to the computer.

as for last night, like i said, i went out with my friend jon at 10 oclock and stayed until about 3. like i said, drank a little too much whiskey and was a little sloshed by the time he dropped me back off at home. jon is like my brother. we've known each other since we were like 10 years old but ever since we met he and my best friend nicole have been in love. they never actually date for very long but its always been obvious that they love each other, so i never saw him as any mroe than a friend. He was also a little pudgy for a long time and i was never attracted to him in any way. Well recently, jon has given up on nicole "for good" (he says) so hes been fooling around with other girls and just having a good time. Did i mention hes also gotten really attractive? like i said though, he's always been my brother, and i would never do that to my best friend (even if they arent together and she calims she has no feelings for him anymore) but you all know how i get when i drink, and the last few times we've hung out jon and i have flirted a little, so last night i was kinda worried that something would happen. thank goodness it didnt though, i dont think i could have forgiven myself for that one, even if he is pretty hot now.

As for my weight, well, i would prefer not to go there. a whole combination of things have set me up for failure lately. First, its too damn hot outside to exercise AT ALL. like even our house doesn't stay cool even with the air conditioning on and fans going. we're going through a record breaking heatwave this summer where i live, and there hasnt been a day under 90 degrees since like the end of june or something. Its crazy shit. So exercising is out. Two: getting myself to eat more to raise my iron was awesome, i felt good about it and no guilt since it was for a better purpose, but its gotten me into bad habits lately that have been hard to stop. Plus, my sister and i are moving back to school soon, my grandparents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversay, and my birthday is coming up, so theres been a ton of opportunities to eat out lately where its soo much harder to be good and count calories. Three: giving blood has almost killed me. again. I know its bad for me cause it makes me so tired for a while afterward, but i can't stop. But basically, i have 0 energy. Four: i'm PMSing. i think i need to go back on the pill (cringe) cause its getting out of control. For like the past week and a half i've been having INSANE cravings, im tired, and i'm bloated as hell. It sucks bad. I feel like i've puffed up like one of those puffer fish or something. seriously, i feel huge and its making me really depressed, which in turn makes me want to eat my pain away at times. jesus.

I need to get back on track though. I'm really REALLY counting france as my motivation. I dont want to be the "fat american" when i go over there and i want to be able to fit into the cute awesome clothes and i just wont if i dont lose weight. I'm trying to keep that in mind and use it mainly when i get to school to exercise more, cause ill have exactly one year and i want to lose at least 30 more pounds. completely possible, but not if i dont get my lazy ass up to work out and occasionally resist the food and alcohol. I don't know, i've just been feeling a little down lately cause i havent made any progress lately. Maybe its also the PMS from hell talking too though. thanks for still reading though and supporting me, i really do love you ladies and wish that we could be friends in real life. (cue an elaborate daydream of us all living together in one house talking about our awesome lives and looking at each other saying "hey, what are you doing? don't eat that fatass." and "i wanna fast a couple days this week. do you all wanna do it with me?" *sigh* how simple and fun that would be...and how much progress we would make together.) anyway, sorry again for the drunk post, i try not to type or text when im drunk, but hey, whiskey is some strong shit. haha love you all, i promise to post more soon!

ok guys so im a little drunk right niw. im gonna try to type right but sorry if i mess up. ok so tonight at 1o i went out with one of my brest friends jon and i got a little shitty. i chugeed a lot of whiskey. be proud of my becayse i didnt kiss him! drunken slut stayed in for the night for once! yayyy!! but i feel really really bad cause i never post anything new for you to read. my computer got a virus on it from my dumb ass mom the other day so i was scared that my dad would find this blog when he took it to work when it got pficxed, so i set it to private for a long time.

im sooo fat. i swear im 10000000 opouinds. drinking doenst help. fucking liquid calories. but i think im bloated too cause of my periosd. but i dont care. i jsut want to be skinny. i have to fget skinny before i move to frnace! and im going to school soon and im gonna eat anf drink so much when i get tehre! im gonna gain a shit ton!

thank you guys so much for wactually wanting to read about my boring life! i love you ladies so much and you are such an inspiration to me! i wish i could make you all more proud...im really gonna start trying! and im gonna work out every day wehn i go to school again. i love you guys and im sorry because i never post when im drunk and i dont want you all to think bad things about me but i feel so lost and i never talk to you anymore and i never lose weight and im gjust an failure. i lvoe you guys, im sorry.

break.

i'm taking a break from dieting/restricting/starving, whatever you will.
it's seriously going to kill me. I can't imagine waking up tomorrow and just eating whatever i want. whenever i want. But i need to, and it's for a good reason.

I'm donating blood on monday. At least i'm going to try to. I donate blood as often as i possibly can. I think that its one of the most selfless, rewarding and satisfying things you can do. I love to feel that i'm saving lives. But i think i've talked about this once or twice before...i have a little problem when i'm donating blood. It's called my mother. Now, my mother is a very sweet person, and she fully understands how important blood is since she works in a hospital, but somehow, when it comes to me donating, she won't have it. All my life i've been borderline iron-deficiency anemic. Wait, let me rephrase that: my FINGERS have been anemic. That's right. You heard me. Everyone has gone to the doctor to get their finger pricked, well every time they take blood from my finger, it shows that my iron is low. Everyone who has ever studied in any kind of anatomy class however knows that the blood in the finger is probably the worst quality blood in your entire body. My mom definitely knows that also, so she's always argued with the doctors, taken me to the hospital and gotten my blood drawn from my arm, and it's always come back completely normal and fine. Except maybe once. It may have been low once, but hey, it's common.

Well i also have really low blood pressure. I pretty much almost pass out every time i stand up With these two things combined, giving blood isn't the most fun experience for me. The first time i donated, i threw up and passed out. My mom was upset. The next few times i donated, I passed out (which i didn't tell her) but came home pretty tired and stayed that way for maybe a day. Big deal. then i got denied for low iron several times, and my mom was pissed and pretty much told me I could never donate again. As if i'm not an adult and can't make my own decisions. So every 8 weeks I go behind her back and donate anyway despite the fact that i still continue to pass out and throw up pretty much every single time, but that's it. I've figured out now to shake my hands before they test my iron and everything is fine (and yes, this works...i got denied for low iron last semester at school then came back the very next day and just shook my hands to get better circulation and the test showed my iron had jumped almost 2 points higher, so i could donate)

Last time i donated, i was at school, so i could hide it from my mom. I passed out again and threw up 3 times, but i'm alive today right? So i think i'm alright. My dad thought i was overreacting and said that i shouldn't have to hide things from her, but he kept it a secret for me. Well stupid me came home that weekend and forgot to hide the bruise on my arm and my mom got PISSED. told ya so, dad. Well anyway, i basically told her that i was an adult, could make my own responsible decisions, that my iron was fine and that she could get over it because i wasn't going to stop. I figure i may pass out, get sick, and be tired for maybe a day or two, but that's seriously nothing compared to the little 5 year old laying in the bed with leukemia or the father of a newborn baby who is bleeding out after a horrible car accident. I'll suffer a little nausea to save their lives. Whatever, my mom can bite me.


so that long rambling of my donating history has brought me to today. Last sunday, i saw that our church would be hosting a blood drive this monday so i made a little mental note to go and donate. Well today my whole family is sitting on the couch, the phone rings, and my mom answers it. After a few seconds she hangs up. My dad asked who it was, and she kinda hesitated for a second before she said "oh just someone trying to sell something." my dad said "who" and i could see her debate with herself internally for a minute before she said "the red cross." Dad says "what did they want?" and she shot my sister this weird look real fast then said "nothing."

Now, at this point i know exactly what's going on. The red cross has called to tell us (probably me specifically since i'm the only donor in my family) about the blood drive going on and asking us to donate. My mom was trying to hide it from me, not knowing that i was already fully aware of it. So i say something like "are you sure it wasn't about the blood drive at church on monday?" and she gives me this panic stricken look like "how did you know about that?" actually, that's exactly what she said to. I told her i saw it at church on sunday and that i was planning to go. She goes off, like always, lecturing me about how it's not good for my health and that I shouldn't go and how she'll be mad at me if I do and blah blah blah

I've heard it all before. I couldn't really care less. But here's the part that just pissed me off beyond seeing straight. She then proceeds to let it slip that she throws away all my mail from the red cross before i can see it and deletes any phone messages about upcoming blood drives before I can hear them because she doesn't want me to go.

WTF?! I'm an adult. A very responsible one at that. In less than 4 years from now, i'll be a nurse. I am perfectly capable of making my OWN decisions about MY OWN BODY and i don't deserve to have things hidden from me. Bottom line: it's shady, its disrespectful, it causes me to basically lose any trust i had with my mom, and it's down right selfish.

Fuck it. I'm going to donate on monday and she can kiss my ass. the funny thing is, all her rules about "forbidding" me to go or whatever just makes me want to do it more. And i will, every chance i get.

So on monday my iron has to be normal. It won't be normal if im not eating right. So i'm starting to eat three healthy meals a day and taking my multivitamin every night until monday just to make sure, because i can't come home on monday and tell her my iron was low again. I can't let her win. I'm coming home on monday with a bandage on my arm and a "screw you, you can't control me anymore" smile on my face.


That was long, sorry. But the point is, until monday i'm eating like a normal person. I'll let you know how that works out for me. Wish me luck...and go donate blood! haha

i did it.
somehow, even with the horrendous vacation eating and my lack of exercise, i woke up this morning to a lighter me. I stepped ont he scale this morning and saw 139. Ok, ok. So it was early this morning, i hadn't eaten or drank anything, i had jsut gone to the bathroom, i had no clthes on, and it's jsut 1 pound down from the 140 i had been seeing on my shitty scale, BUT it's a number that I (until so recently) had not seen at all. I haven't been down in the 130's in a year, and i am SO excited!

I haven't eaten hardly anyhting lately to get here though. I completely fast every day now for as long as i can (which is only until dinner) but then i eat a small portion of dinner and then nothing else the rest of the night. I'm guessing at most it's 600 cals a day. Whatever, if this is what i have to do to lose weight, i will.

Today i did fuck up a little though, i had some left over bruchetta and a granola bar, so maybe 250 calories already...but i went shopping today and walked a ton and i've done some crunches so i'm hoping i've burned some.

i have 3 1/2 weeks left until i move back in at school. I'm crazy excited to go back to school, i love it there, and all my friends, and i have 24/7 access to an awesome gym, but i know it will be harder to not gain weight. College=tons of free fattening food all the time, and people constantly asking you to go eat...roommates that will notice if you're not eating or if you're exercising to much...and alcohol. oh, the alcohol. i'm going to do my best to not drink so much this semester (tehre's no way i could even get close to my average of 3-4 nights a week my first semester last year) but i know that especially at the beginning, before classes have started or really kicked in and while the weather is still warm, theres going to be a shit ton of parties and i'm going to drink a shit ton of alcohol. i know that's why i gained the freshman 15 this year, and i'm just really dreading it. Plus, it's more stress that makes it harder to burn calories, less time to do whatever i want, and less time to blog. i'm kinda freaked to tell you the truth. I can't wait, but i'm so anxious too. i don't know, i need to stop worrying about it until it gets here. Until then, i'm just going to try to mentally prepare myself to NOT drink at parties, to opt for salad at most meals, to try to make a workout schedule and stick to it, and to just enjoy myself/concentrate more on school. hopefully.

My insomnia returned last night. That unexpected guest really overstay's it's welcome. I slept about an hour last night, and haven't slept today. I'm predicting a rerun of that show tonight too. we'll see.