The scale has been hovering around 130 or the high 120s lately, so as ar as I can guess, I'm probably somewhere around 132-134. Super psyched about it too! As soon as I hit 132 for sure, that will officially mean that I've lost 20 lbs from my highest weight! And then I'll only be 12 lbs from my ultimate goal weight of 120! Ahhh it's getting so close now, it's motivating me every single day!
Well that's not completely true. I went to the lake this weekend and said good riddance to any diet. Huge southern breakfast every morning, dinner at night, snacks on the water....whatever. I'm on my period which is my excuse every month to just have one or two days where I can eat whatever I want without feeling guilty. Plus, this is my first time at the lake in over a year where I actually felt halfway comfortable in a bikini. Gahhh I can't EVEN tell you how good that feels. This time last year, I was wearing a tank top as much as possible on the lake so that I could somewhat hide my fat. This year, my mom told me how good I looked. Oh how far I've come. It took me quite a while, but now that I'm getting things under control, waiting a while and doing it the healthy way doesn't make it any less sweet.
I'm thinking of posting before/after pics soon. Hmmmmm, will I be able to work up the courage?
On a side note, going to get checked for STDs on Thursday. Wooo good times. Even if the chances of me having an STD are basically infinitesimal, still better safe than sorry right? Oh I just can't wait.....
Monday, July 25, 2011
Thursday, July 21, 2011
So, Ummmm.......yeahhhhhhh
I don't even know where to begin. I still can't fathom this whole situation, this is so fucked up.
Ummm.....ignore what I said two posts ago. Well, scratch that, don't ignore any of it.....oh, except for the part where I said that L doesn't have herpes.
Yeah.
Well, I guess that's that then. Nothing I can do about us now. At least I now have a reason for why he didn't talk to me for two weeks.
So what now? I guess he'll just be my best friend forever? Fuck. I love him. He will always be more than that to me.
You know what the most fucked up part of this whole situation is? I still truthfully want to be with him. I still want to say "if you can promise me forever....we can be very smart and careful about this and try to make it work." when did I become that person? When did I let myself get THAT wrapped up in a guy? This is some major bullshit.
Even though he's got a horrible back and could possibly be disabled down the road, even though he has an incurable STD, even though his parents still hate me, even though he can probably never have kids, even though he has a fear of love and we have completely different religious beliefs.......I still want him. I still see 30 times more good in him than bad.
The worst part is, I have no one to talk about this with except you all. I can't talk to any of my friends r family about how the person I love has an STD and I still want to be with him. I can't talk to L about how stupid he was.
God, 1 drunken night with some girl which he immediately regretted has turned both our lives upside down overnight.
Three weeks ago we talked about marriage.
Last night we talked about herpes.
Just....why?
Ummm.....ignore what I said two posts ago. Well, scratch that, don't ignore any of it.....oh, except for the part where I said that L doesn't have herpes.
Yeah.
Well, I guess that's that then. Nothing I can do about us now. At least I now have a reason for why he didn't talk to me for two weeks.
So what now? I guess he'll just be my best friend forever? Fuck. I love him. He will always be more than that to me.
You know what the most fucked up part of this whole situation is? I still truthfully want to be with him. I still want to say "if you can promise me forever....we can be very smart and careful about this and try to make it work." when did I become that person? When did I let myself get THAT wrapped up in a guy? This is some major bullshit.
Even though he's got a horrible back and could possibly be disabled down the road, even though he has an incurable STD, even though his parents still hate me, even though he can probably never have kids, even though he has a fear of love and we have completely different religious beliefs.......I still want him. I still see 30 times more good in him than bad.
The worst part is, I have no one to talk about this with except you all. I can't talk to any of my friends r family about how the person I love has an STD and I still want to be with him. I can't talk to L about how stupid he was.
God, 1 drunken night with some girl which he immediately regretted has turned both our lives upside down overnight.
Three weeks ago we talked about marriage.
Last night we talked about herpes.
Just....why?
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Monday, July 4, 2011
well....
I just don't know what to say about my life at this point. It's just mass chaos. Everything was prefect, and then everything came crashing down again.
Here's whats been going on:
1) I'm not going to France anymore. Bummer.
2) L and I broke up, as if that wasn't completely obvious from the last two depressing posts.
3) I've lost weight. WOOHOO!! but i think i've hit a plateau.
4) I have no job for this summer, and i'm quickly blowing through my money.
5) I'm back to crying a lot now. I'll tell you all about that later.
Ok, so, weight. Well, as I said from my last post or two, when L and I broke up, I sort of spiraled into a depression for a week or so, and didn't really eat. At all. Well, as horrible as that is for me, I did manage to knock off about 5 lbs or so, and that really got the ball rolling and gave me something else to think about besides L. Eventually though, I decided that I wasn't going to starve myself. I was going to lose weight, and do it in the healthiest way possible, and that's exactly what i've been doing for the last month or so. I never let myself go hungry anymore. I don't starve and I don't obsess over every calorie I put into my mouth and I dont exercise for hours to get into negative calories for the day. I eat what I want, when I want, but I watch my portions, and I try to focus on healthy choices. I will say, I dont exercise at all, but eh, i;ve always hated that anyway. I'm much happier this way. I've been losing weight too, slowly but surely. I'm now down to about 135 as best I can figure, and it's still continuing to drop. I just got back from a week of vacation, so it was a littler harder to concentrate on healthy choices there. I still have a ways to go, and I want to be in the 120's so desperately, but i'm confident that I'll be there by the end of this summer, as long as I can stay focused...which has become second nature lately, not really a chore anymore.
The other big story. I need your support ladies. Yeah, you guessed it, of course this is going to be about the boy.
Well it only took about 4 days after L and I officially broke up that he called me at home. We talked for hours, just like nothing had ever happened, and our friendship returned to normal. After that, we've been talking every single day, sometimes even multiple times a day. Weve hung out twice, and things just felt so good. We never mentioned getting back together, which was ok, I was trying to just convince myself that friendship was the only thing we needed at this point, and I was slowly starting to move on.
L called one night, and during one of our 4 hour conversations, he mentioned that he thought maybe he had made a mistake breaking up with me, and might want to get back together at some point. He said he felt horrible for what he did, and that to this day he still doesn't know why he ended things...he only knew how much he regretted it.
We agreed to take things slowly and see where they went, but that only lasted for a few days. Pretty soon we were texting constantly, and our texts were all about dating again. He told me that he thinks he loves me. He told me that I hadn't left his mind for one second, and that he felt so lucky to have me in his life. He called me beautiful, and angel, and basically said that as soon as I got back from vacation, he was going to ask me to be his girlfriend again. Everything was prefect, we were both so happy and I couldn't wait to kiss him again and have everything return to the way it should be. It was the happiest i've been in so long.
Then it happened. Our first fight EVER, in the history of knowing each other for almost a year.
(Now ladies, I hesitate to even tell you all of this story, because you all don't know L personally, and are going to judge him very harshly for this next information, which I don't want you to do. He really is a great guy, and he simply made a mistake, so try to keep an open mind, please?)
Anyway, On my second night of vacation, after about 5 straight days of gooshy, sweet texting, L asked me to call him because he had to tell me something. I got away by myself for a few minutes, and when I called him and asked what was going on, he said "well, i just need to tell you something. Before you decide to date me again, you need to know something.....a couple of weeks ago, I was at a party, and I hooked up with a girl...and I think she may have given me herpes."
Que complete silence from me save the one question "you're joking, right?"
Well he wasnt. Turns out, he hooked up with this girl not once, but twice. They didn't have sex, but he went down on her and she on him twice. Now, I know that L and I weren;t together, and at the time that this happened, we werent even talking about being back together, so it's not like he cheated on me. But still, I felt lied to. I felt that all of the things he had been saying to me for the past several days, especailly how I had never left his mind, he had wanted me back since the day he broke up with me, etc. meant nothing. I didn't know how to react. I mean, not only did I feel lied to and like all my excitement that I had built up for the past several days was over, but if it were true, and he really did have herpes, of course that would be the end of our relationship forever.
I basically hung up on him at that point. After a few minutes of thinking about it and getting more and more angry, I sent him a very nasty text or two. I called him back when he didnt respond, and he was literally besdie himself, crying. His parents were there, and knew everything, trying to comfort him. I thought he was crying because he was scared, but apparently he was crying because he didn't want to lose me. I hung up and sent another fairly mean text later that night.
Two days later, more angry texting on my part. Finally, after several days of thinking about it, I calmed down a little. L doesn't have herpes, and is being tested for every other STD, but right now it looks like he just overreacted and is completely fine. Well, when I came home from vacation, I apologized to him for everything I had said, and asked him to forgive me and to know that I only said the things I did because I was very hurt. I told him that as long as he was STD free, I would still like to talk to him about eventually getting back together, as long as we could take things slowly.
Turns out though that about a week and a half prior to this incident, L's parents had gotten so concerned about his weight (which is very low) and about his unhappiness (which I didn't see) that they convinced him to start talking to a therapist. L said he forgave me for everything I said and was very sorry for everything he did as well, but he felt like he needed to concentrate on himself for a while and get his life back in order before he started thinking about anyone else. As much as I understand where he's coming from and completely agree, I'm also really upset and feel like I've lost him all over again.
And oh yeah, I forgot to mention, after his complete breakdown the other night and the series of very nasty texts I sent to push him over the edge, his parents now hate me. Great.
I don't know how to feel about all this. He was an idiot, and I'm still so hurt to know that he never really did miss me as much as I miss him. We didn't talk at all yesterday, which is so unusual for us. As much as I'll take our friendship, and even though he said maybe one day we can still talk about dating again, I don't know if I can ever be just friends with him. I either need to be with him and be able to love him, or I need to get over him. Unfortunately, I can't do either at this point. I feel like maybe I shouldn't trust him, even though I know he just made a drunken mistake and was just trying to find himself again...
I dont know. All I know is that I'm beginning to think that boys just aren't worth it...
Here's whats been going on:
1) I'm not going to France anymore. Bummer.
2) L and I broke up, as if that wasn't completely obvious from the last two depressing posts.
3) I've lost weight. WOOHOO!! but i think i've hit a plateau.
4) I have no job for this summer, and i'm quickly blowing through my money.
5) I'm back to crying a lot now. I'll tell you all about that later.
Ok, so, weight. Well, as I said from my last post or two, when L and I broke up, I sort of spiraled into a depression for a week or so, and didn't really eat. At all. Well, as horrible as that is for me, I did manage to knock off about 5 lbs or so, and that really got the ball rolling and gave me something else to think about besides L. Eventually though, I decided that I wasn't going to starve myself. I was going to lose weight, and do it in the healthiest way possible, and that's exactly what i've been doing for the last month or so. I never let myself go hungry anymore. I don't starve and I don't obsess over every calorie I put into my mouth and I dont exercise for hours to get into negative calories for the day. I eat what I want, when I want, but I watch my portions, and I try to focus on healthy choices. I will say, I dont exercise at all, but eh, i;ve always hated that anyway. I'm much happier this way. I've been losing weight too, slowly but surely. I'm now down to about 135 as best I can figure, and it's still continuing to drop. I just got back from a week of vacation, so it was a littler harder to concentrate on healthy choices there. I still have a ways to go, and I want to be in the 120's so desperately, but i'm confident that I'll be there by the end of this summer, as long as I can stay focused...which has become second nature lately, not really a chore anymore.
The other big story. I need your support ladies. Yeah, you guessed it, of course this is going to be about the boy.
Well it only took about 4 days after L and I officially broke up that he called me at home. We talked for hours, just like nothing had ever happened, and our friendship returned to normal. After that, we've been talking every single day, sometimes even multiple times a day. Weve hung out twice, and things just felt so good. We never mentioned getting back together, which was ok, I was trying to just convince myself that friendship was the only thing we needed at this point, and I was slowly starting to move on.
L called one night, and during one of our 4 hour conversations, he mentioned that he thought maybe he had made a mistake breaking up with me, and might want to get back together at some point. He said he felt horrible for what he did, and that to this day he still doesn't know why he ended things...he only knew how much he regretted it.
We agreed to take things slowly and see where they went, but that only lasted for a few days. Pretty soon we were texting constantly, and our texts were all about dating again. He told me that he thinks he loves me. He told me that I hadn't left his mind for one second, and that he felt so lucky to have me in his life. He called me beautiful, and angel, and basically said that as soon as I got back from vacation, he was going to ask me to be his girlfriend again. Everything was prefect, we were both so happy and I couldn't wait to kiss him again and have everything return to the way it should be. It was the happiest i've been in so long.
Then it happened. Our first fight EVER, in the history of knowing each other for almost a year.
(Now ladies, I hesitate to even tell you all of this story, because you all don't know L personally, and are going to judge him very harshly for this next information, which I don't want you to do. He really is a great guy, and he simply made a mistake, so try to keep an open mind, please?)
Anyway, On my second night of vacation, after about 5 straight days of gooshy, sweet texting, L asked me to call him because he had to tell me something. I got away by myself for a few minutes, and when I called him and asked what was going on, he said "well, i just need to tell you something. Before you decide to date me again, you need to know something.....a couple of weeks ago, I was at a party, and I hooked up with a girl...and I think she may have given me herpes."
Que complete silence from me save the one question "you're joking, right?"
Well he wasnt. Turns out, he hooked up with this girl not once, but twice. They didn't have sex, but he went down on her and she on him twice. Now, I know that L and I weren;t together, and at the time that this happened, we werent even talking about being back together, so it's not like he cheated on me. But still, I felt lied to. I felt that all of the things he had been saying to me for the past several days, especailly how I had never left his mind, he had wanted me back since the day he broke up with me, etc. meant nothing. I didn't know how to react. I mean, not only did I feel lied to and like all my excitement that I had built up for the past several days was over, but if it were true, and he really did have herpes, of course that would be the end of our relationship forever.
I basically hung up on him at that point. After a few minutes of thinking about it and getting more and more angry, I sent him a very nasty text or two. I called him back when he didnt respond, and he was literally besdie himself, crying. His parents were there, and knew everything, trying to comfort him. I thought he was crying because he was scared, but apparently he was crying because he didn't want to lose me. I hung up and sent another fairly mean text later that night.
Two days later, more angry texting on my part. Finally, after several days of thinking about it, I calmed down a little. L doesn't have herpes, and is being tested for every other STD, but right now it looks like he just overreacted and is completely fine. Well, when I came home from vacation, I apologized to him for everything I had said, and asked him to forgive me and to know that I only said the things I did because I was very hurt. I told him that as long as he was STD free, I would still like to talk to him about eventually getting back together, as long as we could take things slowly.
Turns out though that about a week and a half prior to this incident, L's parents had gotten so concerned about his weight (which is very low) and about his unhappiness (which I didn't see) that they convinced him to start talking to a therapist. L said he forgave me for everything I said and was very sorry for everything he did as well, but he felt like he needed to concentrate on himself for a while and get his life back in order before he started thinking about anyone else. As much as I understand where he's coming from and completely agree, I'm also really upset and feel like I've lost him all over again.
And oh yeah, I forgot to mention, after his complete breakdown the other night and the series of very nasty texts I sent to push him over the edge, his parents now hate me. Great.
I don't know how to feel about all this. He was an idiot, and I'm still so hurt to know that he never really did miss me as much as I miss him. We didn't talk at all yesterday, which is so unusual for us. As much as I'll take our friendship, and even though he said maybe one day we can still talk about dating again, I don't know if I can ever be just friends with him. I either need to be with him and be able to love him, or I need to get over him. Unfortunately, I can't do either at this point. I feel like maybe I shouldn't trust him, even though I know he just made a drunken mistake and was just trying to find himself again...
I dont know. All I know is that I'm beginning to think that boys just aren't worth it...
Friday, May 13, 2011
He left. For good.
The reason changed from "I'm not happy and I don't want to burden anyone with my unhappiness" to "I just lost those feelings for you. I just see you as a friend" to "I wasn't ready to have a serious girlfriend. We spent every moment together. It wasn't just me anymore, it was me and you. I was scared of that seriousness."
I dont know the real reason. All I know is that I feel like half of me has physically been ripped away from my body, leaving me bleeding, suffering, and emotionally dead.
I've cried every day for the last week. My eyes are red and swollen every morning when I wake up. I dream about him everynight, and in my dreams everything is good again, adn I'm happy. Then I wake up and realize that it isn't true, and I cry some more.
I miss him. I miss him so much. I want him back and it's almost harder basically knowing that the reason he broke up with me is because his feelings for me were too strong (Despite the other reasons he gave, the fact that he was scared of falling for me made the most sense and seemed to be the most truthful....i'm not just saying that because i'm bitter.)
I have this hope still, and I don't know if I want it to be there or not. There is nothing I would love more than the prospect of being with him again one day down the road. But he lives an hour away from me. I will hardly see him, if at all, this summer. If things work out well, we may talk every other week or so, i dont know. His feelings could easily change. He really could lose any interest in me, and I don;t want to hurt like this again.
I just miss him. I just want him to miss me too.
The reason changed from "I'm not happy and I don't want to burden anyone with my unhappiness" to "I just lost those feelings for you. I just see you as a friend" to "I wasn't ready to have a serious girlfriend. We spent every moment together. It wasn't just me anymore, it was me and you. I was scared of that seriousness."
I dont know the real reason. All I know is that I feel like half of me has physically been ripped away from my body, leaving me bleeding, suffering, and emotionally dead.
I've cried every day for the last week. My eyes are red and swollen every morning when I wake up. I dream about him everynight, and in my dreams everything is good again, adn I'm happy. Then I wake up and realize that it isn't true, and I cry some more.
I miss him. I miss him so much. I want him back and it's almost harder basically knowing that the reason he broke up with me is because his feelings for me were too strong (Despite the other reasons he gave, the fact that he was scared of falling for me made the most sense and seemed to be the most truthful....i'm not just saying that because i'm bitter.)
I have this hope still, and I don't know if I want it to be there or not. There is nothing I would love more than the prospect of being with him again one day down the road. But he lives an hour away from me. I will hardly see him, if at all, this summer. If things work out well, we may talk every other week or so, i dont know. His feelings could easily change. He really could lose any interest in me, and I don;t want to hurt like this again.
I just miss him. I just want him to miss me too.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
empty.
He left. Or rather, I pushed him out. Kind of, I guess...
I don't even know anymore. He told me he wasn't happy in his life in general right now. He said he didn't know whether I was the reason behind that or not. He said I liked him more than he liked me.
I cried and cried and cried. I told him i'd give him his space until he figured things out. He could text me and call me and talk to me first.
We haven't talked in several days. There hasn't been a single day in the past 7 months when I haven't talked to him.
And so I'm waiting. Waiting once again until he decides he wants me as much as I want him. I've been here too many times before.
I've been useless. I go out and put on a happy face, but i'm empty inside. When I'm alone I just sleep. I haven't eaten since my one meal on friday.
I just want him back.
I don't even know anymore. He told me he wasn't happy in his life in general right now. He said he didn't know whether I was the reason behind that or not. He said I liked him more than he liked me.
I cried and cried and cried. I told him i'd give him his space until he figured things out. He could text me and call me and talk to me first.
We haven't talked in several days. There hasn't been a single day in the past 7 months when I haven't talked to him.
And so I'm waiting. Waiting once again until he decides he wants me as much as I want him. I've been here too many times before.
I've been useless. I go out and put on a happy face, but i'm empty inside. When I'm alone I just sleep. I haven't eaten since my one meal on friday.
I just want him back.
Friday, April 22, 2011
blah.
Ah shit. I've returned.
I was stupid to think I could ever just walk away from this blog and therefore my issues. Clearly this is bigger than that.
Well, I've been gone quite a while, haven't I? I suppose you all are just aching for an update on my life.
Maybe not, but you're going to get one anyway.
Well....hmmmm, where to start? The boy? The weight? The school? Eh....this IS a weight blog after all, I might as well start there.
You know how I was sick with those stupid throat problems last semester and I had to have my tonsils removed and everything? Well....I don't wish that upon me again, it was fucking miserable, but I do wish I could starve the way I was starving then. I couldn't eat AT ALL during that time....I would drink one juicebox and it would last me 3 hours. Needless to say, I dropped weight like it was my job, without even trying. The best part was, I didn't even WANT to eat. I had no hunger. I starved and starved and starved and it was never an inconvenience in the slightest. I believe my blog says I dropped down to 135 or so? I can't really remember. Regardless, I was determined that I was going to keep that weight off. How hard could it be?
Apparently really freaking hard. Ever since then, it's like my body has been trying to make up for the months of food it didn't consume. If I told you how much I've been eating, you all would puke. It's that disgusting. Anyway, my weight is up to 145 again. FML. However, I have started to work out again. I'm determined to lose at least 6-8 pounds before school is out (in 3 weeks) and thats totally possible. I've been eating a little healthier, and in a few hours, this will make day 3 that I've gone to the gym and done cardio for at least an hour.
What else?
Boy. Of course, always the boy.
L and I are still together. Thank goodness, because I don't know what I would do without him in my life. We spend absolutely every free moment together, and it's just bliss. We haven;t said the big "L word" yet, and I'm really scared to do so...but I think I might actually..."______" him. I don't want to even type it right now. I know I typed it in my last post, but that was more of a joke...more of a "wow, i'm so lucky" kind of thing.
He's hurt though. Bad. He has a pinched nerve in his back that he's been dealing with basically for the past 3 months, and he's in excrutiating pain. He can hardly walk. I feel so bad for him. He's absolutely miserable, too, because he can't work out. He's been swimming every day, and 3 days a week with me, but now it's to the point where he can't even really do that. He's going back to the doctor today though. I'm crossing my fingers that he gets some decent news.
I want to work out for him. I want to look good for him. Every single day he looks at me and says "gosh, you're so pretty." Or he tells me i'm beautiful and he calls me sexy and he tells me that he loves my body. Well that's all good and dandy, but I know he isn't 100% telling the truth. This is not what he prefers. His past girlfriends had 6 packs and spent their lives exercising just as much as he does. He hates when I talk about not liking to exercise, or saying that I "can't" do something. That's about the only thing I can possibly say to make him mad, telling him that I "can't" run two miles, or that I "can't" lose weight on my own.
I bought a super sexy (and pretty super tiny) Victoria's Secret bikini for this summer. I know I'll be at the lake a lot with L and his friends, and I don't want to look disgusting and fat like I do now. That's my motivation. I put it on from time to time, and just stand in front of the mirror, envisioning what it will look like when I'm a lot skinnier.
Moving on....
School/life=Big changes.
I'm not going to Paris anymore. :(
Yeah, actually I'm not that upset about it. I mean it would have been an awesome opportunity, but it was uber scary. Plus, it would have cost me about $40,000 after I lost scholarships and paid for school and blah blah blah.
I did get into nursing school though. WOOHOOO!! In case I haven't told you, that's a super difficult and prestigious program to get into at my school. I'm pretty excited to start that in the fall.
Well, I know I have mroe to say, but it's taken me a while to write this and I really have to go work out before I pack my things and go home for Easter this weekend. Help me stay strong ladies. I know you all have stayed beautiful :) xo
I was stupid to think I could ever just walk away from this blog and therefore my issues. Clearly this is bigger than that.
Well, I've been gone quite a while, haven't I? I suppose you all are just aching for an update on my life.
Maybe not, but you're going to get one anyway.
Well....hmmmm, where to start? The boy? The weight? The school? Eh....this IS a weight blog after all, I might as well start there.
You know how I was sick with those stupid throat problems last semester and I had to have my tonsils removed and everything? Well....I don't wish that upon me again, it was fucking miserable, but I do wish I could starve the way I was starving then. I couldn't eat AT ALL during that time....I would drink one juicebox and it would last me 3 hours. Needless to say, I dropped weight like it was my job, without even trying. The best part was, I didn't even WANT to eat. I had no hunger. I starved and starved and starved and it was never an inconvenience in the slightest. I believe my blog says I dropped down to 135 or so? I can't really remember. Regardless, I was determined that I was going to keep that weight off. How hard could it be?
Apparently really freaking hard. Ever since then, it's like my body has been trying to make up for the months of food it didn't consume. If I told you how much I've been eating, you all would puke. It's that disgusting. Anyway, my weight is up to 145 again. FML. However, I have started to work out again. I'm determined to lose at least 6-8 pounds before school is out (in 3 weeks) and thats totally possible. I've been eating a little healthier, and in a few hours, this will make day 3 that I've gone to the gym and done cardio for at least an hour.
What else?
Boy. Of course, always the boy.
L and I are still together. Thank goodness, because I don't know what I would do without him in my life. We spend absolutely every free moment together, and it's just bliss. We haven;t said the big "L word" yet, and I'm really scared to do so...but I think I might actually..."______" him. I don't want to even type it right now. I know I typed it in my last post, but that was more of a joke...more of a "wow, i'm so lucky" kind of thing.
He's hurt though. Bad. He has a pinched nerve in his back that he's been dealing with basically for the past 3 months, and he's in excrutiating pain. He can hardly walk. I feel so bad for him. He's absolutely miserable, too, because he can't work out. He's been swimming every day, and 3 days a week with me, but now it's to the point where he can't even really do that. He's going back to the doctor today though. I'm crossing my fingers that he gets some decent news.
I want to work out for him. I want to look good for him. Every single day he looks at me and says "gosh, you're so pretty." Or he tells me i'm beautiful and he calls me sexy and he tells me that he loves my body. Well that's all good and dandy, but I know he isn't 100% telling the truth. This is not what he prefers. His past girlfriends had 6 packs and spent their lives exercising just as much as he does. He hates when I talk about not liking to exercise, or saying that I "can't" do something. That's about the only thing I can possibly say to make him mad, telling him that I "can't" run two miles, or that I "can't" lose weight on my own.
I bought a super sexy (and pretty super tiny) Victoria's Secret bikini for this summer. I know I'll be at the lake a lot with L and his friends, and I don't want to look disgusting and fat like I do now. That's my motivation. I put it on from time to time, and just stand in front of the mirror, envisioning what it will look like when I'm a lot skinnier.
Moving on....
School/life=Big changes.
I'm not going to Paris anymore. :(
Yeah, actually I'm not that upset about it. I mean it would have been an awesome opportunity, but it was uber scary. Plus, it would have cost me about $40,000 after I lost scholarships and paid for school and blah blah blah.
I did get into nursing school though. WOOHOOO!! In case I haven't told you, that's a super difficult and prestigious program to get into at my school. I'm pretty excited to start that in the fall.
Well, I know I have mroe to say, but it's taken me a while to write this and I really have to go work out before I pack my things and go home for Easter this weekend. Help me stay strong ladies. I know you all have stayed beautiful :) xo
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