just kidding.

just kidding from the last post guys. i know i said that i would fast today but well....
i kinda forgot that i had already made dinner plans tonight, and i don't want to cancel these. so today i just vowed to keep my calories low. i had a small bowl of cereal this morning, and now i'm not eating until dinner. plus, i'll keep dinner small also.

i also got my lazy self out of this room and took a much needed study break at the gym. i was only there for half an hour, but i ran a mile and a half and i did abs for a few minutes. today i'm supposedly at -78 calories. not amazing, i could be at about -250 or so for the day, but hey, negative is negative.

ok, i'm REALLY procrastinating now. i need to study some more. tomorrow is the big day. the day from hell. my two presentations are due and i have my microbiology exam. i've been worrying so much about it that i've gotten my stomach all messed up. i had to take some medicine last night to keep myself from getting too sick...because as much as i wouldnt have minded emptying my stomach, i just cant afford any time to be laying on the bathroom floor haha

ok, i'm off to cram in a good 10 or so more hours of studying. oh college....

utterly gross

if you all are looking for a little bit of thinspo, or just looking to avoid gainined 5,000 lbs like me over halloween, then go check this out. I mean, i already tried to count the calories in some of the candy ive been eating, but this jsut really puts it into perspective and just how far one little piece of candy can go. It also gives some good advice on how to avoid the little fuckers of pure sugar and fat.

http://health.yahoo.net/experts/eatthis/5-worst-halloween-candies-and-10-best-survival-tips


let's try not to make halloween a complete shit show ok? i mean....unless youre drinkign those calories ;)

haha ok, love you all.

and to update, i ate another bowl of cereal for dinner. not shabby for the day though. still 500 cals under what my app on my ipod says i need to be under to lose two lbs a week. i'm SOOO ready to get all this FAT off of me! i leave for my cruise december 28th. That gives me 2 1/2 months to look good! i know i could lose a ton before then! i have to do this!

fasting tomorrow.

gdsofsiehof i'm so impatient!!
i wish i could just wake up one morning and i would be skinny
or AT LEAST be able to tell a difference in the way i look.
but no, no matter how hard i think i'm trying or how little i eat, i never seem to lose anything.

today i've eaten:
one bowl of special K with skim milk

looked in the mirror....i'm just as gross as ever. There is fat hanging everywhere. i look disgusting.
welp...there goes my plans for dinner....

i'm. going. to die.

ok well the food situation is back under control. i haven't eaten today, and probably wont eat until dinner tonight. Went to the gym and burned about 400 calories. yay!
Also, the scale at the gym said 147.0 today, which is good...a pound off. but i don't know how accurate it is right now considering the bloating...we shall wait and see.

i'm going to die this week. i'm under so much stress its incredible. I have 3 huge things due on thursday.

heres my to do list for this week:

study four chapter of microbiology for exam on thursday
finish huge nursing presentation due on thursday
start and finish huge french presentation due on thursday
finish two chapters of stats homework due on wednesday
do all my french homework, due each day
write a music paper, due tomorrow
schedule my classes for next semester

take micro exam
present french project
present nursing presentation

prepare for french final next tuesday


not to mention, sometime soon i have to:

meet with my advisor
start HUGE nursing paper
contact the local hospital to ask about volunteering
schedule my nursing entrance exam
get recertified in CPR
fill out nursing school application
try to find a job
look into getting my CNA license for this summer
work out.


i'm about to have a breakdown just thinking about all of this. i think i'm going to give myself an ulcer.

i just need to keep breathing. If I can make it past thursday, then things will get so much easier.

goodbye sleep....see you thursday night.

does this really need a title?

god i hate pms. seriously, heres how i see the life of a woman...

you're born, you get a few good years during childhood, then all the sudden you wake up, and your boobs are a little bigger, and they hurt like hell for about 4 years. During this time of awful boob pain, fat also starts to grow....on top of the muscle mind you, because boys are the fortunate ones that get muscle OVER fat therefore constantly looking halfway in shape, and you get bigger...and bigger...and bigger, and you're never satisfied with how you look because you and every guy you're around is constantly comparing you to other girls. Then you wake up one morning only to discover that you re bleeding everywhere. joy. the pain is incredible, it makes you look fatter, it makes your boobs hurt more, its messy, you break out, your emotions go haywire, headaches are a constant, you crave EVERYTHING, amongst other lovely things....and you realize that you will have to experience this for a week straight every month for the next forty or so years. what is your reward for all this? after searching your whole life and finding a decent guy worth starting a family with, you get pregnant, put up worth nine months of getting even fatter, going through even more pain, having even more cravings and more emotional outbursts, then on your lucky day, you get to scream your head off as you push a human out of you. Said human breaks your tailbone, rips your vagina, and causes you to shit in front of everyone. You may do this a few more times until you finally decide to stop, but you get stuck with screaming, messy, hungry kids every day, until finally, when they get old enough to take care of themselves, you start menopause, feel even crappier, then you die. During this entire cycle, the men sit back and have the audacity to talk about how crazy women are, and treat them like shit. HOW IS THIS FAIR?!

lol ok, my little rant is finished. it just think this is a little ridiculous. why dont guys have to deal with any of this?!?! okay, well anyway, as you can guess, i'm pmsing, been eating like CRAZY, which sucks since the week before i did SO amazing, but now i look like a weigh 5,000 pounds.


Oh, and my ex boyfriend nick texted me last night....he has a hard time during this time of year due to some personal issues, and i think he was looking for me to comfort him. i was pretty nice to him, as much as i still hate to think about how much he hurt me, but i think i said something to make him mad (although i wasn't trying to) and he stopped texting, and he didn't text me back at all today.i dont know. honestly i dont really care though.... i may go into more detail with this story later, i know it probably sounds pretty confusing at this point, but im just too tired and cant think straight

i'm not feeling right. i can't think straight right now. i'm kinda dizzy and a feel like im going to pass out...its that drunk feeling again like im not really here...see former posts. it's scary...

sorry guys...

im back bitchessss!!!

^^^that's some hot thinspo! :)

thats right, ive returned.
no really,

i. have. returned.

i only emphasize that because i didn't just get my computer back, but also because i've gotten most of my self control back. I've been doing damn good.

i got an iphone, and i downloaded this app that helps you keep track of how many calories you eat a day, how many you burn, and how quickly you want to lose weight. It told me that to lose 2 pounds a week, i should limit myself to 1,077 calories a day. welllllll, so far this week, i've been averaging around 700-800 calories a day, AND i've been going to the gym every single day and running a mile a half. thats right, i've made it past my limit of simply a mile, and i've worked myself up to a mile and a half. i know that sounds like nothing, but for me, running that far is inredible. last year, i could barely even finish .2 of a mile. yeah, i'm serious. not only that, but after i run a mile and a half and walk about another mile, i go do abs for a while, then i go swim for about another half hour. i'm burning around 500 cals, therefore putting me at a total of around 350 calories a day. HELL FUCKING YES!

yesterday i ate a little bit more than normal, so today i decided to really cut back. all i ate today was a reese cup, then for dinner i had some oatmeal and beer. lmao, i was just really raving a beer. unfortunately, i didn't get to work out today, so my calories are about the same...around 300 or so. but i'll take that.

anyway, i still feel huge. i haven't weighed in this week at all, but hopefully if i an find enough time to get to the gym tomorrow, i'll weigh myself then.

i don't know why i'm doing this, but tonight (since my roommate is gone) i decided to take some pictures to show you all what i look like (my stomach i mean.) overall, i think i've made some progress since i started, but i still think i have a ton to lose. obviously.

sorry for hurting your alls eyes with these.



sorry guys but i don't like to keep pictures up for very long, had to take these down! but thank you for the lovely comments :)




ok so, priorities:
back fat. obviously.
hips. does anyone know any good oblique exercises? or how to loose those love handles? its like whenever i lose my waist gets a little smaller but my side fat stays huge. wtf.

like i said, sorry for making you all sick. don't worry, soon you will see GOOD PICTURES.


i missed you all!

I spoke too soon

well my computer is sick. Not from the virus though. Hardware problem with my screen. Go figure. I'm typing with my iPod which is not so easy. My computer will probably be gone for a while so I won't post until I get it back. I'll miss you ladies!!!