my apologies, yet again.
drank too many beers last night.
heading 3 hours away for a football game today.
i'll have to tell you all the stories later.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
im wasted as fuck rightn now. but at least i ddint do anythoing stupid. an AGR drove me home, thank god for gentlemen, BUT i ate another granola bat. shit
going to drink a shit ton tomorrow ar the game. hells fucking yeah, I LOVE YOU ALL. ESP LIZ, EMRY AND LILh lee! my loves! i ha e a story to tell you all tomorrow. just say :nick" lmao love you!!
going to drink a shit ton tomorrow ar the game. hells fucking yeah, I LOVE YOU ALL. ESP LIZ, EMRY AND LILh lee! my loves! i ha e a story to tell you all tomorrow. just say :nick" lmao love you!!
Friday, September 10, 2010
yeah, that just happened
today i broke into my own house.
yeah, you heard me right. i'll explain, i promise.
So remember how i told you right before i left for school my mom and i decided to remodel my bedroom at home? well this involved tearing the carpet out so that i could have the hardwoods that were underneath them. Anyway, the hardwoods were in terrible shape and they need to be refinished. That's gonna happen sunday.
The reason that is bad is because when i moved into school, i had all this alcohol i had hidden in my room at home, in the bottom of my closet, and i couldn't take it with me because i couldn't figure out where to pack it in all my things so that i could be positive that my parents wouldn't find it while we were moving in. So I left it, sitting there buried in my closet, and i planned to just come back and get it whenever i came home next. I never thought my mom would be getting our hardwoods refinished so soon.
So can you see why that would be a problem? In the bottom of my closet I had two fifths of vodka, a little bit of crown royal, and a huge painted cup from my ocho de mayo party that was clearly used to get crunk. On sunday a man is coming out to finish all my floors, including the ones in my closet, which would surely have to be cleaned out by my parents.
Plus, I had some other things (notes and a pair of boxers....lame, i know) from my douche bag ex boyfriend hidden in my dresser drawers, which are also going to be cleaned out on sunday so that my furniture can be repainted.
So, to sum up, i need to get home a clean out my room before sunday if i wished to live any longer.
I know what you're thinking...why didn't you just go home this weekend and pack it with your things when you left? Well, that would have been a good idea, but i couldn't cover that up. There is absolutely NO reason for me to be home this weekend
1)i hardly ever come home for anything, so it would be suspicious to come home for no reason during my second week of school
2) there is a huge football game tomorrow which my mom knows im going to. Why would i come home and miss that?
3) i couldn't tell my parents i needed to come home to get some things that I forgot to bring with me to school, because I just saw them at the lake last weekend and had them bring me a list of things I knew I needed...not yet aware that my floors would be redone this weekend.
So anyway, the only logical (ha!) thing that I could do, would be to drive up there while my parents were at work, sneak into my own house without them knowing, and clean everything out. That was my only option, clearly. Yes, this story IS THAT PATHETIC.
So these last couple days ive been trying to figure out when my mom would be coming home from work. I had three options: 2:00 pm, 3:00 pm, or 6:00 pm.
99% of days, my mom is home either at 3 or 6, but oh no, today would be one of the ONLY early days she ever works, where she gets off at 1:30 and would be home by 2 at the latest. Of course.
So to continue, i went out last night with CJ, and got pretty drunk. I drank almost a full bottle of wine and 4-5 beers, all on an empty stomach. L didn't come out with us last night, which i was upset about, but that's another long story that I won't include in this novel of a post.
I got back to my dorm at 2 AM, and I had to get up and go to my french class at 9:10...and i just couldn't skip it. So I got up, went to french incredibly tired and still kinda drunk, then after french I booked it to my car, picked CJ up, and we drove like maniacs the two hours back to my house.
Do the math....
I got out of class and left campus at 10:30.
My house is an hour ahead of my school, so 11:30 their time.
It takes me a good two hours to drive back home, meaning I would get there at 1:30, the exact time that my mom got off work and came home.
I had a window of about 20 minutes to clean out my room and escape without my mom coming home to find me in the house, unannounced, with a purse full of alcohol.
Stress.
Well, I crossed one more thing off my bucket list today...I drove over 100 mph. Not for very long, but i did for about 2 miles, and did around 85-90 most of the way home.
I kept laughing because if I were to get pulled over, I would have to explain to my parents why I had a HUGE ticket, thus raising my insurance, that i got by driving 100 mph in the rain on the way back to my house to preform a heist with last night's alcohol still in my system.
It was pretty risky.
So I made it home by about 1:10, ran inside with CJ, raided my room, and ran back out and left in about 5 minutes. I felt like i should have been wearing all black and had a ski mask over my face.
Didn't get caught. awesome.
So long story short, I succeeded. CJ and I went to get something to eat (she was really hungover and claimed we needed Qdoba. you know how I feel about that place) then drove 2 hours back to campus, where i took 2 Tylenol and fell into bed for about a 3 hour nap.
She wanted me to go get drunk with her again when we got back..but i was just too tired and had too bad of a headache for it.
Intake for the day:
1 muffin (which my roommate brought me and insisted i eat this morning)
1 Qdoba burrito (fuck)
1 granola bar
1 snack cup of mandarin oranges
and i'm about to go drink a shit ton more calories too.
shit.
Well anyway, thats my ridiculous yet pathetic story. I probably could have made it more exciting, but it's just too long and i don't feel like it right now. I'm pretty sure I need to re-examine my life haha
hope you enjoyed.
yeah, you heard me right. i'll explain, i promise.
So remember how i told you right before i left for school my mom and i decided to remodel my bedroom at home? well this involved tearing the carpet out so that i could have the hardwoods that were underneath them. Anyway, the hardwoods were in terrible shape and they need to be refinished. That's gonna happen sunday.
The reason that is bad is because when i moved into school, i had all this alcohol i had hidden in my room at home, in the bottom of my closet, and i couldn't take it with me because i couldn't figure out where to pack it in all my things so that i could be positive that my parents wouldn't find it while we were moving in. So I left it, sitting there buried in my closet, and i planned to just come back and get it whenever i came home next. I never thought my mom would be getting our hardwoods refinished so soon.
So can you see why that would be a problem? In the bottom of my closet I had two fifths of vodka, a little bit of crown royal, and a huge painted cup from my ocho de mayo party that was clearly used to get crunk. On sunday a man is coming out to finish all my floors, including the ones in my closet, which would surely have to be cleaned out by my parents.
Plus, I had some other things (notes and a pair of boxers....lame, i know) from my douche bag ex boyfriend hidden in my dresser drawers, which are also going to be cleaned out on sunday so that my furniture can be repainted.
So, to sum up, i need to get home a clean out my room before sunday if i wished to live any longer.
I know what you're thinking...why didn't you just go home this weekend and pack it with your things when you left? Well, that would have been a good idea, but i couldn't cover that up. There is absolutely NO reason for me to be home this weekend
1)i hardly ever come home for anything, so it would be suspicious to come home for no reason during my second week of school
2) there is a huge football game tomorrow which my mom knows im going to. Why would i come home and miss that?
3) i couldn't tell my parents i needed to come home to get some things that I forgot to bring with me to school, because I just saw them at the lake last weekend and had them bring me a list of things I knew I needed...not yet aware that my floors would be redone this weekend.
So anyway, the only logical (ha!) thing that I could do, would be to drive up there while my parents were at work, sneak into my own house without them knowing, and clean everything out. That was my only option, clearly. Yes, this story IS THAT PATHETIC.
So these last couple days ive been trying to figure out when my mom would be coming home from work. I had three options: 2:00 pm, 3:00 pm, or 6:00 pm.
99% of days, my mom is home either at 3 or 6, but oh no, today would be one of the ONLY early days she ever works, where she gets off at 1:30 and would be home by 2 at the latest. Of course.
So to continue, i went out last night with CJ, and got pretty drunk. I drank almost a full bottle of wine and 4-5 beers, all on an empty stomach. L didn't come out with us last night, which i was upset about, but that's another long story that I won't include in this novel of a post.
I got back to my dorm at 2 AM, and I had to get up and go to my french class at 9:10...and i just couldn't skip it. So I got up, went to french incredibly tired and still kinda drunk, then after french I booked it to my car, picked CJ up, and we drove like maniacs the two hours back to my house.
Do the math....
I got out of class and left campus at 10:30.
My house is an hour ahead of my school, so 11:30 their time.
It takes me a good two hours to drive back home, meaning I would get there at 1:30, the exact time that my mom got off work and came home.
I had a window of about 20 minutes to clean out my room and escape without my mom coming home to find me in the house, unannounced, with a purse full of alcohol.
Stress.
Well, I crossed one more thing off my bucket list today...I drove over 100 mph. Not for very long, but i did for about 2 miles, and did around 85-90 most of the way home.
I kept laughing because if I were to get pulled over, I would have to explain to my parents why I had a HUGE ticket, thus raising my insurance, that i got by driving 100 mph in the rain on the way back to my house to preform a heist with last night's alcohol still in my system.
It was pretty risky.
So I made it home by about 1:10, ran inside with CJ, raided my room, and ran back out and left in about 5 minutes. I felt like i should have been wearing all black and had a ski mask over my face.
Didn't get caught. awesome.
So long story short, I succeeded. CJ and I went to get something to eat (she was really hungover and claimed we needed Qdoba. you know how I feel about that place) then drove 2 hours back to campus, where i took 2 Tylenol and fell into bed for about a 3 hour nap.
She wanted me to go get drunk with her again when we got back..but i was just too tired and had too bad of a headache for it.
Intake for the day:
1 muffin (which my roommate brought me and insisted i eat this morning)
1 Qdoba burrito (fuck)
1 granola bar
1 snack cup of mandarin oranges
and i'm about to go drink a shit ton more calories too.
shit.
Well anyway, thats my ridiculous yet pathetic story. I probably could have made it more exciting, but it's just too long and i don't feel like it right now. I'm pretty sure I need to re-examine my life haha
hope you enjoyed.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
quickly
thanks for all the encouraging posts/advice last night, you really dont know how much it means. I've calmed down now, and gotten things into perspective again, so i'm really not as worried about it now.
I'm going out with CJ and L to a party tonight. Should be pretty awesome.
Tomorrow as soon as my class is done i'm driving two hours back home to break into my house before my parents get off work. I'll explain tomorrow.
today i've eaten:
1 granola bar: 170 cals
1 dole fruit cup: 80 cals
Not bad at all.
I haven't been working out, but i haven't been eating much either, so it's not so bad.
Of course i'm about to go drink who knows how many calories.
But i'm trying to keep most days like today. maybe a little more, maybe a little less, depending.
Of course i have plans to drink every day this weekend, too.
Alcohol on an empty stomach.
Please pray that I don't die.
I'm going out with CJ and L to a party tonight. Should be pretty awesome.
Tomorrow as soon as my class is done i'm driving two hours back home to break into my house before my parents get off work. I'll explain tomorrow.
today i've eaten:
1 granola bar: 170 cals
1 dole fruit cup: 80 cals
Not bad at all.
I haven't been working out, but i haven't been eating much either, so it's not so bad.
Of course i'm about to go drink who knows how many calories.
But i'm trying to keep most days like today. maybe a little more, maybe a little less, depending.
Of course i have plans to drink every day this weekend, too.
Alcohol on an empty stomach.
Please pray that I don't die.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
out of control.
i'm freaking out. I think i'm having a borderline panic attack. My heart is racing, my stomach is all twisted up in knots, and i know it's unreasonable, but i can't stop. I need help.
It all started with talking to CJ today about applying for nursing school. We were just talking about the application, and our chances of getting accepted, and it made me start wondering about how good my chances are. So i go look up the nursing school application. Basically, i have to take a test before i'm accepted, and my score is weighed into my application. It tests me on anatomy/physiology, math, reading, grammar, all the basics. I started to get all stressed out cause i'm bad at math, and i'm afraid that i won't remember enough anatomy/physiology. AND i got a B in one of my science classes, which isn't good cause they weigh you science GPA separately from your overall GPA. I start freaking out because I feel like i'm not gonna get accepted, which is highly likely because my school's nursing program is one of the hardest/most competitive in the state. 150-175 people apply each semester and only 40 or so are accepted. But i do have a 3.79 GPA, and I am an honors student, and I am taking a full course load.
So I try to calm myself down over that. But then I start to look for the possibility of deferring nursing school for a year when I go to France. This has been my plan all along, to just tell them after i'm (hopefully) accepted and then deffer it for a year and start when I return from France. Then I find this statement on the nursing application..
Nursing requires mandatory class and clinical attendance. You will be assigned a failing grade if you miss 20% of the scheduled classes or clinical in a semester FOR ANY REASON. While we try to keep all classes and clinical on M-F between the hours of 6 am and 6 pm, you may be required to attend class anytime between the hours of 5 am to 11pm on any day of the week.
Do you have ANY personal or other situations that would prevent you from being available to attend classes and clinical as assigned during the next two years? ____yes______no
That's when I really start to freak out. What will I check in that box come January when I actually have to fill it out?!
Then I start to think about France.
I'm moving to a foreign country. All alone. With what has thus far turned out to be a minimal knowledge of the language. As soon as I get there, I basically have to be a mom for two small children. I'm responsible for them. I have to plan activities for them and get them to and from school. And oh yeah, I have to teach them english. Did i mention that they are 3 and 5 years old and speak no english whatsoever at this point? And did I already mention that I barely speak french?!
I have no teaching experience. How am I going to teach these two kids an entirely new language when I still haven't mastered one myself?! What can I do for lesson plans? What if they don't understand me AT ALL?! What if the parents think i'm a horrible au pair and send me back? Will I be stuck at home in the US with no job, no school, no hopes of getting into nursing school?
Then I beat myself up for not losing weight, and for eating more than I wanted to today and not getting to work out.
Plus several other things that I just don't have the strength to write about for fear that I will stop breathing. I think I have generalized anxiety disorder. ...and there goes one more thing to worry about.
At this point i'm basically hyperventilating. Like i said, i know it's an overreaction, but i just can't stop. So much stress. So little time to plan. Help me guys! Seriously...especially if you have any ideas on how to teach two kids english...
thank you all so much for all the support. I'm sorry to freak out on you all/worry you. this isn't something that usually gets this out of control.
It all started with talking to CJ today about applying for nursing school. We were just talking about the application, and our chances of getting accepted, and it made me start wondering about how good my chances are. So i go look up the nursing school application. Basically, i have to take a test before i'm accepted, and my score is weighed into my application. It tests me on anatomy/physiology, math, reading, grammar, all the basics. I started to get all stressed out cause i'm bad at math, and i'm afraid that i won't remember enough anatomy/physiology. AND i got a B in one of my science classes, which isn't good cause they weigh you science GPA separately from your overall GPA. I start freaking out because I feel like i'm not gonna get accepted, which is highly likely because my school's nursing program is one of the hardest/most competitive in the state. 150-175 people apply each semester and only 40 or so are accepted. But i do have a 3.79 GPA, and I am an honors student, and I am taking a full course load.
So I try to calm myself down over that. But then I start to look for the possibility of deferring nursing school for a year when I go to France. This has been my plan all along, to just tell them after i'm (hopefully) accepted and then deffer it for a year and start when I return from France. Then I find this statement on the nursing application..
Nursing requires mandatory class and clinical attendance. You will be assigned a failing grade if you miss 20% of the scheduled classes or clinical in a semester FOR ANY REASON. While we try to keep all classes and clinical on M-F between the hours of 6 am and 6 pm, you may be required to attend class anytime between the hours of 5 am to 11pm on any day of the week.
Do you have ANY personal or other situations that would prevent you from being available to attend classes and clinical as assigned during the next two years? ____yes______no
That's when I really start to freak out. What will I check in that box come January when I actually have to fill it out?!
Then I start to think about France.
I'm moving to a foreign country. All alone. With what has thus far turned out to be a minimal knowledge of the language. As soon as I get there, I basically have to be a mom for two small children. I'm responsible for them. I have to plan activities for them and get them to and from school. And oh yeah, I have to teach them english. Did i mention that they are 3 and 5 years old and speak no english whatsoever at this point? And did I already mention that I barely speak french?!
I have no teaching experience. How am I going to teach these two kids an entirely new language when I still haven't mastered one myself?! What can I do for lesson plans? What if they don't understand me AT ALL?! What if the parents think i'm a horrible au pair and send me back? Will I be stuck at home in the US with no job, no school, no hopes of getting into nursing school?
Then I beat myself up for not losing weight, and for eating more than I wanted to today and not getting to work out.
Plus several other things that I just don't have the strength to write about for fear that I will stop breathing. I think I have generalized anxiety disorder. ...and there goes one more thing to worry about.
At this point i'm basically hyperventilating. Like i said, i know it's an overreaction, but i just can't stop. So much stress. So little time to plan. Help me guys! Seriously...especially if you have any ideas on how to teach two kids english...
thank you all so much for all the support. I'm sorry to freak out on you all/worry you. this isn't something that usually gets this out of control.
determination
i've found myself a little picnic table on campus in the shade by a big beautiful fountain where I can waste away a few hours before my next class. On tuesdays, i have a two hour break between classes and I don't want to walk back to my dorm, so I just stay here and relax for a bit. I guess this will also be when I do a bit of blogging.
I usually get lunch right now with some friends, but their work on campus has started so no one is free. This would upset me, but this actually gives me the oppotunity to skip another meal with no one noticing. I had cereal this morning, because i need a little bit of food between 7 and 4:30 when I have classes, but i won't eat lunch today, and i will go work out during dinner time in hopes of possibly skipping that meal too. This year is easier to restrict, and i'm thankful for that...because i need to lose weight. BADLY.
I think tonight i'm hanging out with CJ and L in the other dorm. I hope so, at least. He wrote on my facebook wall that I should come over to hang out with them tonight, so of course i don't want to turn that down.
I'm also thinking about weighing in today. I haven't weighed myself since the first time i went to the gym this year (last sunday, i think?) so it's been over a week, and i've been working out a lot, but i also ate a ton of calories this weekend at the lake. And I don't feel any skinnier.
Today's intake:
1 bowl of special K cereal with skim milk: 170
Work out plan: go to the gym after classes and run a mile, walk 2 miles, then do some abs.
Please pray that it works out for me like this.
Love you all.
I usually get lunch right now with some friends, but their work on campus has started so no one is free. This would upset me, but this actually gives me the oppotunity to skip another meal with no one noticing. I had cereal this morning, because i need a little bit of food between 7 and 4:30 when I have classes, but i won't eat lunch today, and i will go work out during dinner time in hopes of possibly skipping that meal too. This year is easier to restrict, and i'm thankful for that...because i need to lose weight. BADLY.
I think tonight i'm hanging out with CJ and L in the other dorm. I hope so, at least. He wrote on my facebook wall that I should come over to hang out with them tonight, so of course i don't want to turn that down.
I'm also thinking about weighing in today. I haven't weighed myself since the first time i went to the gym this year (last sunday, i think?) so it's been over a week, and i've been working out a lot, but i also ate a ton of calories this weekend at the lake. And I don't feel any skinnier.
Today's intake:
1 bowl of special K cereal with skim milk: 170
Work out plan: go to the gym after classes and run a mile, walk 2 miles, then do some abs.
Please pray that it works out for me like this.
Love you all.
Monday, September 6, 2010
labor day!
School....so much work. I was definitely not ready for all the work to begin again. I miss having nothing to do! My schedule is packed this semester though (19 hours) and I can easily skip breakfast and lunch, which i've done a few times. And, with the whole new dorm thing, people aren't getting big groups together to go out for dinner, so long story short, i've managed to stay around 1 meal or 2 pretty small meals a day. MUCH better than what I was eating last year. I've been resisting the pasta and the desserts and opting for just a sandwich wrap. Not too bad.
WORKING OUT!
I've been working my ass off at the gym lately. I've kicked my butt into gear and i've been dedicated to going to the gym every day. I've been running a mile (HUGE accomplishment for me, i used to not even be able to run for a quarter mile) and then i physically can't go any farther. I'm gonna work myself up into a decent runner this year though. I enjoy it SO much, it's just really hard for me. After I run a mile, i run/walk anohter 2 miles or so, then i go do some abs.
I also tried hot yoga for the first time the other day. If you all are wondering what it's like....it's HARD. My roommate and I went together (and this is the roommate whom I really think has an eating disorder/addiction to working out) and it was brutal, even for her. The room was 115 degrees (that's not an exaggeration...) and I was laying in a pool of my own sweat before we even started doing any exercises. The class was an hour long, did a ton of cruches/yoga/pushups....by the time we left I swore I would never go back again, but as soon as i stepped outside, i felt AMAZING. My clothes looked like I had jumped in a pool...but i felt accomplished afterwards and i wasn't incredibly sore the next day. I've heard it's really good for you, and i have another free session to use, so i think i'm going to go thursday.
Anyway, I weighed myself on the gym scale last sunday, and with my shoes on and everything I was 148. :( I knew our scale at home was terrible. It was upsetting, but at least now I have an accurate weight to go by, and i'm really dedicated to working out now. I've decided to reset my scale at the top of my page, and jsut start over! wish me luck ladies...please call me out on whenever i fuck up, and keep me motivated. PLEASE! i love you all!
WORKING OUT!
I've been working my ass off at the gym lately. I've kicked my butt into gear and i've been dedicated to going to the gym every day. I've been running a mile (HUGE accomplishment for me, i used to not even be able to run for a quarter mile) and then i physically can't go any farther. I'm gonna work myself up into a decent runner this year though. I enjoy it SO much, it's just really hard for me. After I run a mile, i run/walk anohter 2 miles or so, then i go do some abs.
I also tried hot yoga for the first time the other day. If you all are wondering what it's like....it's HARD. My roommate and I went together (and this is the roommate whom I really think has an eating disorder/addiction to working out) and it was brutal, even for her. The room was 115 degrees (that's not an exaggeration...) and I was laying in a pool of my own sweat before we even started doing any exercises. The class was an hour long, did a ton of cruches/yoga/pushups....by the time we left I swore I would never go back again, but as soon as i stepped outside, i felt AMAZING. My clothes looked like I had jumped in a pool...but i felt accomplished afterwards and i wasn't incredibly sore the next day. I've heard it's really good for you, and i have another free session to use, so i think i'm going to go thursday.
Anyway, I weighed myself on the gym scale last sunday, and with my shoes on and everything I was 148. :( I knew our scale at home was terrible. It was upsetting, but at least now I have an accurate weight to go by, and i'm really dedicated to working out now. I've decided to reset my scale at the top of my page, and jsut start over! wish me luck ladies...please call me out on whenever i fuck up, and keep me motivated. PLEASE! i love you all!
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