so i've been angry lately. Irate, actually. Although i never tell anyone except you all how bad my obsession with food is, it's no secret to most of those close to me that I want to lose weight...and i'm so HUGE right now that no one thinks that is weird. However, my mom....ughhhh my mom! My mom and I have never really gotten along. We tolerate each other, but we never truely see eye to eye, and it's like every minute we're together, it seems like we're both just waiting for the next comment that's gonna send us spiraling down into another huge fight. I'm telling you, i'm not an angry person, but pretty frequently I have dreams where I am just livid to the point of seeing red...screaming, uncontrolable cursing, everything else that I never feel normally...and my mom is always the one in those dreams making me that angry.
So maybe that's why her comments lately have upset me so much. She also wants to lose weight, and so when I came home from school, we had this conversation that hurt me so bad....heres just a little sample of how it went
mom: "can we start working out together everyday?"
me: "of course! I want a memebership to the gym so bad!"
mom" well we dont have to join a gym, we can just work out at home"
me: "at home? on that piece of crap treadmill we have that's older than me? we have no place to run at home or do anything worthy of a good workout and just crunches isnt going to do enough."
mom: "well, what we probably really need to start doing is cutting calories."
me: "i do cut calories...."
mom: "oh no you do not! I've watched you eat, you dont cut at all, or at least you can stand to cut a lot more!"
now keep in mind that at this point i was already down to one meal a day. I don't eat AT ALL the entire day, but I always make sure to eat dinner with my parents at night, so that they don't suspect anything. Plus, even at dinner, I've cut my portion sizes down alot. It just made me so mad and self conscious and now I feel like I can't eat dinner at all around them. Then, yesterday, before I went to visit CJ, I hadn't eaten all day and I didn't want to drive on a completely empty stomach so I went and I took out one cookie to eat. My mom saw me and said "Frenzy! Put. the cookie. DOWN. you don't need it!" I was irate. I wanted to scream "MOM, HOW CAN YOU BE SO BLIND?!" I wanted to tell her how much i really did probably need to cookie, for my health-mentally and physically. But I couldn't. I guess i'll just have to use it as more motivation
I know I promised to tell you about my trip to CJ's, but I just needed to get this off my chest first. More about CJ and the obsessive and utterly annoying drunken mistake later, I promise.