Ok so I promised to tell you all about my visit to CJ's last weekend. It was so great to see CJ again...i miss her more than words could probably say. I have to say though, it was less eventful than I thought it would be, but still, Drunken Mistake--who I will now deem DM since the name seems to be more fitting everyday--made sure to fill it with as much of his annoying drama as he he could. Before I even left my house, DM was already texting me, wanting to know exactly what time I was gonna get there and see him, etc. Annoying as shit. When I first got to CJ's, we went out to a party, where DM was. Like i've said before, DM thinks that we're soulmates or some pathetic shit. Absolutely false. Anyway, I wanted this weekend to make it clear to him that he was way off, and that there was absolutely NOTHING between us, so that he would stop annoying me by texting me every 5 seconds. When we get there, CJ starts laughing and points to DM sitting with some nasty girl, hooking up in front of everyone. Good, my excuse would be easier than I thought, right? CJ is introducing me to all of her friends, and when we get over to where he is, DM shakes my hand and says "nice to meet you"....as if he doesn't want his new skank to find out he knows me? Lame. So then I'm going around talking to all of CJ's friends, and he comes over and starts talking to me. I act pretty uninterested, I have to admit, but I wanted him to get the point.

I should know...boys never get the point.

He picks up that I don't really want to be around him, and this apparently really bothers him, but THEN he does the lamest, most pathetic thing I think I have ever witnessed a grown man do. He starts texting me. WHILE IM 5 FEET AWAY!! Really?! really. Save yourself some pity and just come talk to me. His texts basically say how he's worried that he's pissed me off because he was with another girl and blah blah blah blah. I respond with a series of texts that basically say "do you really think I care who you hook up with? I barely know you. It's not big deal, really."


We go back to his house later for an afterparty and start drinking like crazy...At this point i think the night is going pretty well because we're laughing, all having a good time, and he can see that i'm not pissed at him, i'm just not interested. Well when we all go to sleep, I insist on sleeping in the couch (because if i didn't, that would force me to sleep with DM in his bed, which is clearly not gonna happen) DM is wasted off his ass at this point and texts me something along the lines of "are you awake? come in my room and sleep with me." yeah right. I throw my phone on the ground and go to sleep. The next morning I wake up, we all go out to eat, hang out a little bit more, then I drive home. by the time I get home, I already have texts from him apologizing for everything and wondering if i'm pissed at him because he hooked up with that other girl and on and on and on and on and on. HE IS SO FUCKING ANNOYING. After about 30 some odd texts assuring him that I don't give a damn and that if he thought i was quiet that night or whatever, it wasn't because of him...I give up and just stop responding.

So that was my weekend at CJ's in a nutshell. Drama. boy drama. I'LL SAY IT AGAIN: PATHETIC. I hate dealing with boys...so not worth the time.


On another note, i'm going on vacation this weekend with my family. Should be pretty boring, so nothing good to write about, but it will be very relaxing. really looking forward to that. I'm still on my "dinner only" diet, which is working great..i've lost 2 pounds so far! But i know this weekend is gonna screw that all up because when I go on vacation with my family, we eat a HUGE meal 3 times a day, together. My grandma fixes a huge country breakfast every morning, and if I skip even a single meal, it would be very noticeable. These are the very very few times when I wish I could purge in some way...but i've just never been able to do that and don't want to get stuck in that lifestyle....more to hide. Anyway, should be a lot of fun, but I wont have internet again until tuesday...I wish all you guys the best of luck, and I want to say hello and thanks to the new followers! I hope you enjoy my uneventful life! stay strong!

mom knows best....right?

so i've been angry lately. Irate, actually. Although i never tell anyone except you all how bad my obsession with food is, it's no secret to most of those close to me that I want to lose weight...and i'm so HUGE right now that no one thinks that is weird. However, my mom....ughhhh my mom! My mom and I have never really gotten along. We tolerate each other, but we never truely see eye to eye, and it's like every minute we're together, it seems like we're both just waiting for the next comment that's gonna send us spiraling down into another huge fight. I'm telling you, i'm not an angry person, but pretty frequently I have dreams where I am just livid to the point of seeing red...screaming, uncontrolable cursing, everything else that I never feel normally...and my mom is always the one in those dreams making me that angry.

So maybe that's why her comments lately have upset me so much. She also wants to lose weight, and so when I came home from school, we had this conversation that hurt me so bad....heres just a little sample of how it went
mom: "can we start working out together everyday?"
me: "of course! I want a memebership to the gym so bad!"
mom" well we dont have to join a gym, we can just work out at home"
me: "at home? on that piece of crap treadmill we have that's older than me? we have no place to run at home or do anything worthy of a good workout and just crunches isnt going to do enough."
mom: "well, what we probably really need to start doing is cutting calories."
me: "i do cut calories...."
mom: "oh no you do not! I've watched you eat, you dont cut at all, or at least you can stand to cut a lot more!"


now keep in mind that at this point i was already down to one meal a day. I don't eat AT ALL the entire day, but I always make sure to eat dinner with my parents at night, so that they don't suspect anything. Plus, even at dinner, I've cut my portion sizes down alot. It just made me so mad and self conscious and now I feel like I can't eat dinner at all around them. Then, yesterday, before I went to visit CJ, I hadn't eaten all day and I didn't want to drive on a completely empty stomach so I went and I took out one cookie to eat. My mom saw me and said "Frenzy! Put. the cookie. DOWN. you don't need it!" I was irate. I wanted to scream "MOM, HOW CAN YOU BE SO BLIND?!" I wanted to tell her how much i really did probably need to cookie, for my health-mentally and physically. But I couldn't. I guess i'll just have to use it as more motivation

I know I promised to tell you about my trip to CJ's, but I just needed to get this off my chest first. More about CJ and the obsessive and utterly annoying drunken mistake later, I promise.

people let me tell you bout my besttt friend....

CJ TONIGHT, I GET TO SEE CJ TONIGHT!

ahh, i love my best friend. It's so sad that she lives so freakin far away...BUT I GET TO SEE HER TONIGHT AND IM HELLA EXCITED! were gonna party and drink like crazy...she's my double trouble, and if you all out there don't have one of those, i highly suggest you get one!

ok well besides that, i'm actually also dreading this little road trip a bit too. i'm in an awkward situation of sorts...last time i went to visit CJ, the drunken slut in me (see last post) came out to play and I ended up making out with a guy, no big deal...ok so heres the bad part, he apparently read WAYY more into it than i did (....i'm digressing but isn't it supposed to be the other way around....the random hookup that leaves the girl wanting more and the guy brushing it off as just a night of fun?) anyway drunken me is also stupid, blind, bad-decision making me, and i gave him my number. MISTAKE. ladies, take this advice, next time you've been drinking and a guy wants your number, try to remember to ask yourself this...

1) "do i at this moment have to hold on to the ground to keep the world around me from spinning like a top?
2) Have I basically lost my sense of vision, taste, and smell?
3) Am I at this point not even capable of understanding the definition of 'blue'?"

If the answer to any of these questions is "yes"....then your probably fucked and a half and should NOT, under any circumstances be handing out your number to anyone unless you have somehow prepared yourself for the annoying texts that will follow in the months afterwards.

yeah, so that brings me back to the story, this guy wont stop texting me, thinks we're soulmates, and on top of things, is one of those guys who doesn't even get the hint. good lord this is why i choose not deal with boys...they're idiots. well i tried to tell CJ about all his texting, but she took it as a funny, sweet thing, and actually thinks that I want him to be there everytime i visit her from now on! KJNJNF lesson #2...drunk or not, don't hook up with friends of your best friend. just. dont. do it.

So he texts me two days ago and says "hey when are you coming back to visit CJ this summer? I want to make sure im off work." Now at this point, I know im visiting CJ in less than 3 days, but i definitely don't want him to know that, so I say "I don't know, it may be a while." i then text CJ and tell her about it, she takes it as I want to surprise him, but then can't contain her excitement and spills the beans to him this morning, so now he's sure to be there. JOY. and I'm sure to be shitfaced, again. DOUBLE JOY. the worst part is, he's extremely unattractive. Call me shallow, but sorry, if i'm doing this whole casual hookup no commitment thing, they should at least be attractive. he's not. in fact, now that i've seen him sober, his face serves as one more reminder that i should REALLY quit drinking.

This should be fun....i'll recount the entire adventure for you guys later this week...should be interesting!

not really in the mood for another glass of water

ok so i'm having a really hard time today...do you ever have one of those days where you just NEED to eat? and not because you're hungry? no, im sure the hunger pains are something we're all used to overcoming, but because you just need the taste? i mean, you just want the taste of something solid and flavorful in your mouth instead of just another big bland glass of tasteless water? That's exactly where i'm at today...im not hungry, truely im not, but i just needed food in my mouth, and so i had some bourbon chicken and peanut butter crackers. *sigh* also, i get so upset with myself because i'm always failing. i always read all the wodnerful posts of my fellow bloggers, and after i'm done catching up i always find myself thinking
"why can't i be like them?"
they're so strong. they never fail, and if they do, they get right back on track.
Look at all the weight they've lost...and I haven't....
then that overwhelming feeling of "why the hell not?" sweeps over me and I go eat something small...because I feel like it doesn't mater anyway, i'm already a failure.
Do anyone else ever have this problem?

Anyway...so my best friend, who i will call CJ has invited me up to her house this weekend for a party. Im so freakin excited! I miss her so much, and I can't wait to see her again, and the alcoholic in me is very anxious to show her sloppy face yet again, i mean it's been over 2 weeks since the last time i got shitfaced plastered....right? haha i'm such a little drunk.

haha ok well if the alcoholic in me is coming out, im just hoping the slut in me doesn't decide to show up for the party too. I have a nasty habit of drunken hookups (no sex, mind you) but i like to have my fun with boys...i can't say i really regret anything i've done, i've had a pretty good time, but i suppose i could have made some better choices....we'll see. My drunken sexcapades could do nothing more than give me a good story to blog about right? I'll keep you updated, promise.

Oh, and the France possiblity is still going strong! I don't have many details yet, but believe me, if I am truely blessed enough for this to come through for me, you will surely hear about it! AHHHHH I'M SO FUCKING EXCITED!

Oh hey Donny and Kate, I hate you.

you know what annoys me to no extent? Donny freakin Osmond. KSJBFIOUBWF this is completely random, i know, but I just have to vent my undying annoyance for this man to someone! I'm sure he's a great man and everyhting, but he just epitomizes the character of "washed-up desperate has been celebrity"
OK ok, i'll explain. Im a little bit of a fan of the show Dancing with the Stars. Not that I watch it religiously or anything, but if it's on, why not? Plus, it's great thinspiration. Anyway, if you watch the show like me, you know that last season, Donny Osmond was a contestant on the show. Ok, this man had already used up my limited amounts of patience through his incredibly annoying interviews that aired before the show, and I had already gotten MORE THAN ENOUGH of my dose of Osmond crap when his sister Marie portrayed her rechid convulsions termed "dancing" on the show, but NO, this man doesn't think thats quite enough. He is passionate about his quest in life to irritate me to death, so he goes on the show too. He's like that guy at the party that thinks he's really funny, but he's not, and everyone just stares at him with this utterly disgusted look oozing of "PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP BEFORE I KILL YOU".... but he never gets the hint. You know that guy? I think we all know that guy. Well big sur-fucking-prise, he wins the damn show. Not only is it one boost to his ego that he didn't need, but it forces me-and the rest of america- to sit through his absurdity for the entire duration of the season. Unbearable. Now, he's in the audience every week for this season, almost giddy with the feeling that he's "made his comeback" or something like that. UGHHHH

While I'm on this whole thing of tv personalities and contestants on DWTS that I can't stand, please allow me to waste three more minutes of your life to tell you about my hatred for Kate Goselin. I'll admit, i was utterly, passionately IN LOVE with the show Jon and Kate plus Eight, but after the divorce and her transformation into an utterly mid-life crisis stricken attention whore, I can't stand to even look upon her face for fear that I'll kill a puppy or something. That is how much i hate her. Ok, so you got a divorce and went on about a billion public interviews to trash the man you were once so in love with. Ok, so you got your platinum blonde hair extensions so that you can try to convince everyone that you're a MILF, ok so you decided to milk your pathetic attempt at fame for all it was worth and become a contestant on DWTS, but must you keep acting like you are such a celebrity, who deserves all of this attention, and abandon your kids? You always said it was your job to provide for them, and I respect that. but oh, hey kate, you have a job already, its called BEING A MOM!!! I fear for the therapy your children are going to have to go through when they get older. What a shame.

Ok, now that that is out of my system, let's talk life. I'm back home for summer vacation, and thoroughly depressed to leave all of my college friends, but it's taken a real great affect on my whole weight loss plan. It's so much easier to not eat when I'm at home... i'm almost always home alone so no one is checking. Also, i'm not invited out to get completely and utterly wasted at some party three nights a week, which is really saving me a whole hell of a lot in the calorie department. Its too soon to tell if i've had any weight loss yet, but i'm back down to one meal a day and frequent exercise, so it's looking good.

Ok, so now with all of that out of my system, I hope that you all are having a wonderful life and are acheiving your goals...stay strong!! Much love!