Ok, I'm gonna give you all a brief summary of my story. It's still pretty long and slightly depressing, but I know there are so many people on here who don't think life is worth living, and I was one of them. Thankfully though, I found out I was wrong, an I think (hopefully) my story might be able to help. Please never hesitate to talk to me if you need help. I'm here for ALL of you at any time.
My first year of high school, everything was great. I loved my school, I was super skinny, super popular, and I was making a ton of friends. I was happy with myself, and I didn't feel like I needed to change myself for anyone in any way. That's when I met nick, a really cute guy who treated me differently from everyone else. He actually looked in my eyes when he spoke to me, instead of staring at my boobs (which were HUGE) or doing that staring off into space while you're talking thing
Sophomore year, nick and I finally started dating, and for a while it was great, but then, something changed. Nick had all kinds of anger/jealousy/control issues and ever so little by little, they had their effect on me. Like you said, he had absolutely no regard for my feelings. He controlled me, intentionally hurt me because he thought it was funny, degraded me, forced me to do things I wasn't comfortable with, and worst of all, he managed to isolate me from everything I loved. He talked bad about my family, my religion, my swimming, and especially my friends until I literally had nothing but him
That's when the suicidal thoughts started. I wanted it all to end. I thought about cutting, taking pills, or just having a car crash, but I just couldn't bring myself to do anything. It seemed like every day ended with me just sobbing uncontrollably, praying to god (whom I didn't even really believe in anymore) that he would just take my life that night. I just didn't want to wake up in the morning.
I knew nick was the reason behind this, but I was too afraid to leave. When you only have one thing in your life, despite how horrible that thing us, how can you leave it and have nothing left? I didn't know what I woukd do. Who would I eat lunch with? Who would I park next to in the morning? Who would I go out with on weekends? I had no true friends anymore. I was alone.
Then one day, I think god kinda stepped in. I was out with a "girlfriend" whom I wasnt even that close to, feeling as empty as ever, when out of nowhere, we were hit by a drunk driver. As the car was spinning through the intersection, throwing me shaker the side of the car and my friend was screaming, my first thought was "well, the inside of this car will be the last thing I ever see in my life." that's when I got terrified. I literally thought of how much I wanted to tell my parents and my sister how much I lived them, and I thought of how wasteful I had been with my life, so for the first time, I was literally begging god to let me live. And thankfully I did. After that I kinda just had a new outlook on life. I wasn't exactly out of my depression, but I was brave enough to finally kick nick out of my life for good. It was scary, it was hard, bur it was the best decision I ever made.
Once I went to college, life changed completely. I had all this freedom to do what actually made me happy, I somehow made a bunch of true friends, which is something I never had in life, and now, I've found this guy L, who treats me so good and makes me so happy that I almost feel guilty. It took some time, but my life turned around and I am SOOOO thankful that I didn't give into my suicidal thoughts. I had NO idea what awesome things my future held, and I wouldn't have believed anyone if they told me how happy I would be.
Sorry, I know that was so long, but my point is: I've been there. I've also gotten through it and I can speak from experience as to what the right decision was. You may not know what it is now, but you do have SOMETHING to live for. Please just give it a chance. I'm here for you as is everyone else reading your blog, and I just want you to be ok. PLEASE tell me if you would like my Facebook, email, or cell number and I'll get it to you. I know I don't know you, but I love you and I want you to be happy. Hang in there.