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Sunday, December 12, 2010

i hate boys.
really. why do i even put mself out there?
I spent last ngiht with L, slept in his room all night, we kissed, we held hands, we flirted, it was nice. He fell asleep and I started thinking. I started to get curious, and my curiosity led me to get pretty ticked off.

This morning I confronted him about it. Here's how the convo went:

Me: Can I ask you something?
L: yeah, sure. of course.
Me: What are we?
L: *thinks for a few seconds* ....i dont know......what do you want us to be?
Me: I want us to be whatever you want us to be.
L: this isn't fair! (laughingly)
Me: well look, i'm not saying you have to figure it out now, but I'm just curious. I'm not saying you have to make anything official right now, I just need to know if there is a possibility in the future, or if i'm just a friend with benefits to you.
L: wow, friends with benefits? That makes this sound so horrible
Me: well, i just think that I have a right to know.
L: you're right.
Me: ok, well just think about it some, and let me know whenever you decide.
L: ok, i'll do that

*later* I'm sitting on his lap, he has his arms around me, being all flirty, holding my hands, whatnot

L: so back to your difficult question you asked earlier
me: yeah?
L: well, let me just start off by saying that I'm not good at this. I don't really enjoy the whole talking about relationships, it's not really my thing.
Me: ok...
L: well, heres how I see it: If you went and hooked up with another guy, i couldn't be mad about it. Especially if you hook up with someone over Christmas break.
Me: well ok, but that's not really why I asked.
L: then what were you asking for?
Me: because i'm just curious. I just don't know what we are.
L: oh. ok. well, this *points to the ground, to emphasize this EXACT moment* this is where i am right now. I enjoy it here.
Me: *completely confused/slightly embarassed.* Uhh....ok

Thats about where it ended. I'm so confused. And i feel like i've been led on. If this was just hot steamy hook-ups, I guess i would understand more. But it's not. He invites me to come over and watch movies. He holds my hands. He'll just reach over for no reason at all and kiss me on the cheek. He lets me decide when were gonna kiss and/or hook up, and never pressures me to do anything (like he's indifferent to whether he gets anything physically from me or not)

I just feel like i have a right to know a little more. I think i'm gonna talk to him about it again later today, but i'm scared. I just love what we have so much...i'm afriad to mess it up and lose it, or lose him....but it's just not fair to me. I feel like i'm being used in some way....

i hate boys.

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